Killinaskuly and Bally

... the 1966 Under 12 Final between Killinaskuly and Bally. A few overage players swayed the day! From Episode 2 of Season 2...

The Croker Phrasebook

The Croker Phrasebook

> The guide to help new visitors fit in at Croke Park
. Fair play to Marty Morrissey and the lads for throwing open the doors. Surely the least we can do in return is make some effort not to sully the sacred sod with our Ole Ole-ing, our Mexican waving, our booing and our sundry other Tan habits. This is an arena, we must remember, where the most complex spectator anthem thus far sung comprises the unforgettable lyrics, "Tipp! Tipp! Tipp! Tipp!"

And while there may be limited opportunities to roar "pull hard, he's no relation", we can make some effort to purge our matchday lingo of Anglo Saxon staples like "play the channels", "woahhh you're shitttttt ahhhhhh" and "who are ya, who are ya". Instead, in an attempt to extend a hand of friendship to our new hosts, let's do our best to speak their language while availing of their hospitality.

Here are some helpful hints to get you started:

Greeting an enterprising debut:"Jaysus, young McGeady is a good yoke. Is this his first year out of Minor?"

On learning bad news of domestic form: "I heard that useless hoor Carr was cleaned out last Sunday above in Cardiff. The lad of the van Nistelrooys took him for two goals from play."

Handling the suspense of simultaneous internationals: "Have you the wireless Mattie? I hear Switzerland were batin' Cyprus out the gate at half time."

What to do when a blow-in lines out: "I can't place him. Is he a nephew of TJ Morrison of Gort? He has the go of him alright. They say TJ was the first man up to the top of Keeper Hill eight years running."

Looking on the bright side: "The long fella of the Dohertys is a bit of a mullocker but sure he's a good man to put in to bust up the play."

Noting a lack of zest from a participant: "Mother of Holy Saint Patrick, don't be standing back from it Holland. You're at nottin' in there."

Dispensing advice during a goalmouth scramble: "Pull, pull agin! Pull agin! Pull agin!"

Greeting Keano's customary early reducer: "Stop the lights! That'll soften the bollox's cough for him."

The hurler on the ditch: "What in the name a jaysus is Kilbane at? He wouldn't kick spuds to chickens."

Talking tactics: "The thing is Mossy, and tis only my opingun, but if you put Duff out wing forward, you're still short of scoring forwards inside."

Reminiscing on fallen heroes: "The bollox was fond of bacon but at the same time Harte is a big loss from placed balls."

Revisiting dietary patterns: "A drop of Dutch Gold? No, you're grand Anto. Sure I have a bottle of tea for the sangwiches."

Players clubbing together to make up a team

Players clubbing together to make up a team

AGAINST THE BREEZE By Paddy Heaney

Remember the cloth caps, crazy women and club mascots. These characters were presented in the results of a survey examining the personality of club supporters. A number of readers have since queried if similar research has been conducted with regard to club footballers. By a great coincidence, the findings of a detailed analysis of our club footballers has just been completed, and some of the results are published in this week's column.

- Physio's Friend: Four words can sum up the playing career of a typical physio's friend and they are: 'lame for every game'. Pulled hamstrings, severed ligaments, sore groins, you name it, and he has had it. - Physiotherapists dream about getting one of these players on their client list. He is the ideal customer. Once a physio's friend has signed up, all financial worries can be forgotten. With a guaranteed two trips a week, for injuries, either real or imagined, the sick one will pay bills, mortgages and put children through university.

- The Male Model: It's easy to spot the male model at training sessions. He's the player wearing the Cork jersey on Monday, Meath on Wednesday and Dublin on Friday. Not only will he have the jersey, he'll also have the accompanying shorts and socks. Male Models normally sport a healthy tan for about six months of the year. He is the one player in the changing room guaranteed to bring hair gel, shampoo and deodorant. After his liberal application of deodorant, he can be difficult to see as he will be enveloped in a cloud of sweet smelling mist. The Male Model despises the fact that he must share his toiletries every week with some spongers. However, he realises it is a necessary evil if he is to leave the changing room looking and smelling his very best. -

County Star (Club Hero): He is the heartbeat of the team. This man sends himself to sleep at night by counting O'Neill's footballs floating over a crossbar. Despite huge commitments to the county panel, he will be a regular attender at club training sessions. The Club Hero is highly valued, primarily for his talent, but also for the example he provides other players. Club heroes watch what they eat, go easy on the drink and refrain from cigarettes. If they have one weakness, it's women. For some misguided reason they are under the illusion that women are not detrimental to your health.

- County Star (The Invisible Man): This other type of county footballer enjoys a love/hate, though mostly hate, relationship with his club's supporters. They love him when he turns up for matches because he can be the difference between winning and losing a match. They hate him because they think he is a big headed poser, who seeks only personal glory through his county team, while abandoning the very club that taught him how to play the game.

- Hard Ground Specialist: Just as there are race horses that cannot cope with soft ground, so there are footballers who feel ill-suited toearlyseason training. Hard ground specialists consider the dedicated winter trainers to be mere point-to-pointers, whereas they are the genuine flat-race thoroughbred. With the recent good weather, they will havestarted to appear at training sessions throughout the country in their droves

- The Schoolboy: The schoolboy has only one thing in his head: football. Carrying absolutely no weight, the schoolboy runs just for the fun of it. Older players in the team are jealous of schoolboys as they represent their lost youth. Junior football is the traditional sacrificial ground where balding corner-backs regularly obliterate frisky teenagers for no apparent reason. Schoolboys are best advised to stay clear of these ageing veterans if they wish to stay clear of serious injury.

- The Student: The transformation from schoolboy to student is as pronounced as that of the caterpillar to butterfly. Where once he was a schoolboy whose only ambition was to get on the senior team; the student discovers the pleasures of wine, woman and song. Football is put way down the agenda. For the first six months of his fresher year the student will have a silly looking smile permanently attached to his face. A pot belly will start to develop in his midriff. He will give the excuse of either assignments or exams for his continued absence at training, yet there will be repeated sightings of him in Paykos, Club FX, The Western Star, The Wash, The Courthouse, Havana Browns, Mangans; you get the picture. The club hero will try to lecture the student about the error of his ways, but it is hopeless, he will be a lost soul for the next four years. Due to space constraints these are all the players that can be described today.

Other players which could not be included were: Team Talker, Psycho, Mr Excuses, and the Nearly Man. others would include the one more year man .... brought on with ten minutes to go to rapturous roars from the crowd., never won a medal, jersey clinging to the belly, socks up around the bandaged knee. Subject to rushes of blood to the head which guarantee a ball to be ballooned into the stands after a headless thirty yard run driven on by the crowd. the Horse ....... who has no football whatsoever, but is there on pure brute strength alone, and would spend a full training session lining up for a crack at either the Model, the Schoolboy, the Student or the County Star.

GIFT GRUB...WATERFORD V CORK

GIFT GRUB...WATERFORD V CORK
Press Play Below -
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=RUNJA6RD



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Limerick, your my Lady

Taken from http://www.limerickblogger.org/blog/

The comedic trio that is The Shams! came to notoriety when they first aired their sketches on Radio Limerick One.

Now the station which made them famous is offering the sketches, which were gathered together for their most recent CD “The Attack of Helen Kennedy” on the RLO website.

You can “wrawk” the zip file containing the files which can be downloaded here.

Being sketches on Radio Limerick One, alot of them will have RLO themes to them, however, some are sketches on Limerick itself.

We have been authorised to give a few samplers of what is in store.

Frank Sinatra will be spinning in his grave when he hears this.

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This one will probably get us into trouble, but f**k it

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It’s funny because it’s (more-or-less) true

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Meath feckers ......

Various Multimedia

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I upload a few bits and bobs. They are not exactly GAA related but are Irish through and through and are damn funny.

Just RIGHT CLICK and then "Save Link as ...... " Save them to your hard drive. All virus checked.

Limerick Bord Failte - Irish Tourist Board advertisement . Its all about the gangs, the Gardai etc in fair old Limerick.

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GMC - Not tonight A real Cork Rap song.. Lyrics include "Gang of us got to the door last night and the bouncers saw RUNNERS and said 'NOT TONIGHT' so we waited outside for a while.... " Very funny.

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Dutch Gold Kid by Dan Excellnt in the tune of Dido/Emimen




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Maastricht GAA Profile
Their website



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Decent Gaelic Football Comp

Whats New

August 2006

Added two new videos to the funny Pics section and added a video to the Down Section

Video added to the Kerry , Laois and Dublin Sections.

June 2006

I added a youtube video of some some Meath fans wearing the jersey with pide.

I added a video of Maurice Fitz from Kerry in action.

I added an adverrt for the All-Stars in the multimedia section.

I added a video from a Armagh V Tyrone fight

April 2006

I added a Babs Keating Quote to the Tipp county Jokes section.

March 2006
On Monday, March 06, 2006 I added three sound files. A Limerick Bord failte Ad (fake, of course). Secondly, there is Dutch Gold Kid, an ode to Roy Keane (Dido/Emimen style) and thirdly a Rap song from GMC - a cork rap outfit about bouncers.

Trouble flares as Dubs beat Tyrone (5th Feb 2006)

National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

5th of febraury 2006

Tempers flared at Healy Park in Omagh during the National League game between Tyrone and Dublin




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

GAA Emotion

Tempers flared at Healy Park and four players were sent-off




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

GAA Emotion

Referee Paddy Russell struggles to control the National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

Tyrone player Collie Holmes is sent-off




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

GAA Emotion


Referee Paddy Russell shows a red card to Tyrone player Collie Holmes during the National League clash with Dublin.




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

GAA Emotion

Dublin's Alan Brogan clashes with Michael McGee. Dublin's Alan Brogan clashes with Michael McGee of Tyrone (left) after being sent-off




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

GAA Emotion

Dublin's David Henry and Nial O Se go head-to-head with Tyrone's Kevin Hughes and Stephen O'Neill




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

GAA Emotion


2005 footballer of the year Tyrone's Stephen O'Neill receives his marching orders from referee Paddy Russell.




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

GAA Emotion

Tyrone goalkeeper Pascal McConnell gets to grips with Dublin player Derek Murray.




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

05/02/2006


Referee Paddy Russell is escorted from the Healy Park pitch after stormy league game between Tyrone and Dublin




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Sports Pictures of 2005

All Ireland SFC final, Tyrone V Kerry, Croke park

GAA Emotion

Brendan Moran (sportsfile, Dublin) took this picture. He says "generally at the final whistle one picture you want is the manager celebrating or reacting. What happened this year, with the crowd running on, the gardai and stewards making a cordon, and that makes it quite physical around that area.

I came up the sideline - we're allowed up a certain distance along the line - and Mickey Harte was 20 feet away. I was quite near him but there were cameras and other photographers around - there ws jostling, but it was good natured.

Mickey did a TV interview, his daughter came over, but then Brian Dooher came out of nowhere. Hate put his head on Dooher's shoulder. In Doohers speech he mentioned Cormac McAnallen."




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Cork's Gemma O'Connor celebrates with team mates

Winning the All-Ireland senior Camogie final at Croke park on September 18th, 2005.

Dan Linehan (Irish Examiner) says "I've covered camogie finals for the last nine or ten years and without fail, it presents some of the best picture opportunities. Camogie players ... are more expressive than their male counterparts. As a result you get incredible pictures, not just of joy and celebration, but of sorrow and dejection. This picture ws takena fter the final whistle - it was almost as if they presented themselves to the camera. I was just drawn to take the picture."




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Kilbrittan National School Team

With captain Pauric Deasy, celebrate their Sciath na Scoil final victory at Pairc Ui rinn, Cork, on May 31st, 2005

Des barry (Irish Examiner) says "It is my favourite sporting event of the year. i have been covering the Sciath na Scoil finals for over 10 years and it offers more picture opportunities than All-Ireland Finals. What makes it so specia? There are no inhibitions with the kids, there is a wonderful innoncence in everything they do, whether it is playing, celebrating or dealing with defeat. Regarding the action shots - theya re fantastic - they jump into the air or they jump right into the lens!."




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Limerick's Garryspillane's Donie Ryan celebrates victory

Garryspillane beat Kilmallock in the Limerick SHC Final at the Gaelic Grounds on October 16th 2005.

Dan Linehan (Irish Examiner) says "Final wins like this are always special. Garryspillane have never won the county senior title so this was a bit of history in the making. As I ran onto the field after the match, i noticed this guy falling o the grround. In all the mellee you are rtying to keep an eye on four or five possible shots at any time and I decidd to go after this guy. I took four or five shots and ten had to wait until he got off the ground before I could identity him by the number on his back."




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Cork's Corona Boots

All Ireland SHC quarter-final, Cork V Waterford, Ceoke Park

Brendan Moran (Sportsfile, Dublin) says "I got a tip-off. one of our lads noticed something yellow on the boos as the team parade was heading in my direction. He texted me so I used my longest lens to zoom in and I just started taking pictures. We do this pre-match stuff as a matter of course but never send it out.

The match started and I took this picture of Niall McCarthy and the logo on the boot came up in that as well. To be honest, I forgot about it until the next day. All the papers were doing their follow-ups on the Sunday matches and that usually focuses on a sending-off or a controversey. So we decided to send out the boot picture as something different.We could not have imagined the response. Within minutes the phones were hopping. Despite the publicity, we wee not in collusion the the PR company who arranged the deal with the Cork Players. We got negative publicity, so be it. We are always trying to pick up on something different, likie fellows wearing Lance Armstrong bands, or the Paddy Power logos on the hurleys two years ago. We are not out to get players into trouble. There was no conspiracy. "




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Hurling Championship launch

Giants Causeway, County Antrim

Ray McManus (Sportsfile, Dublin) says "Its a little different to covering a game, it's a planned, set up shot. Th order in which the players line up (Cork's Sean Og O hAilpin, Wexford's Michael Jacob, Kilkenny's James McGarry, Waterford's Eoin Kelly) is dicated by height, but even as I see the shot again I see I might have done it differently. "




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The real on the pitch

NHL, Galway v Tipperary, Pearse Stadium

Ray McManus (Sportsfile, Dublin) says "It was just an ordianry league game, Galway against Tipperary, and I'd asked for permission to go into the umpires dressing room before the game. I wanted a photograph of them putting on their white coats before the amtch started, but that wasn't working. Eventually they came out, and while they were waiting for the referee they just formed a line. i didnt set it up, i think most times you'd know thay's ben done. One of them was looking at me and I asked him to keep talking "




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Gaaa Match

Taken during 1976

Taken by Josef Koudelka in Ireland during 1976. You can see more of his Pictures here







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Tags: GAA, Jokes, GAA Jokes, Cork, NHL, Pearse Stadium, Hurling Championship, Hurling, Gaelic, , All-Ireland, Camogie, Croke Park, Sean Kelly, Ted Walsh, George Hamilton, Colm O' Rourke, Sean cavanagh, Peter Canavan, Sean Og O hAilpin, GAA, Irish, Irish Guy, Jokes,

2005 Quotes

2005 Quotes


"It was prehaps the most generous, the most liberal decision ever taken by any sporting or business body because we have out of the generosity of our harts put our finest asset at the disposal of our keenest rivals."
Sean Kelly - after Rule 42 was scrapped in march 2005

"We're one of the great sporting nations and we'd really only be opening it up for our own patrons. I remember American football being played in Croke Park and I can guarantee you it hasn't caught on in Wexford. If a neightbours' house wenton fire and you'd a spare room you wouldn't leave him out in the cold."
Wexford's Sean Quirke argues the case for the dropping of rule 42.

"Nicky Leeson, you banker, you banker."
The welcome given to Nick Leeson, of Barings bank fame, by the crowd at Terryland poark when he was introduced asGalway United's new commercial director.

"All Sports are been anlysed far too much by Bolloxes like us."
Ted Walsh, sitting around a table with George Hook, pat Spillane and Eamon Dunphy

"If you're down around the new Dundrum town centre right now you can pop out your breasts with pride because here is the champion of Europe, David Gillick, the local lad made good!."
RTE's George Hamilton gets a touch carried away after Gillick's gold at the European indoor Championships.

"I'd been ill and hadn't trained for a week and I'd been out of the team for three weeks before that, so i wasn't sharp. i got cramp before half-time as well. But i'm not one to make excuses."
Clinton Morrison. No excuses, then.

"Somebody should check his birth cert because Idon't think he was born, I think he's a creation of god."
Colm O' Rourke on the divinity that is Kerry's Colm "Gooch" Cooper.

"It used to be a good old Ulster fry before amtches, but we've changed that now to Muesili - which tastes a wee bit like what you'd find at the bottom of a budgie's cage."
Former armagh goalkeeper Benny tierney on the county's all-new pre-match breakfast menu.

"The defender was so laid back there he was almost vertical."
TV3 pundit Frank Stapleton.

"I just went up to him and said please Peter, please take it. I knew he was the only man for the job. I know he's already a legend in tyrone, but that's going to make hime something crazy alltogether."
Tyrone's Sean cavanagh after Peter Canavan's last minute free beat Armagh in the all-Ireland semi-final.

"waht a way to win an All-Ireland Final. Ten amtches, beating the Ulster champions, the Leinster champions, the Munster champions, and also the current All-Ireland winners. So maybe those people that critised our style of football will think otherwise now and give the county a bit of respect."
Peter Canavan after Tyrone's marathon championship ended with visctory over Kerry in the final.


"babs Keating said to me one night the difference between a pat on the back and a kick in the arse is a foot and a half."
Brian Kerr, under pressure.

"There might ahve been one or two Irishmen tap-dancing on some of my players' feet and that might have got them a bit angry."
Australian coach Kevin Sheedy tries to find a reason for some of his plaers losing the plot in the International Rules Series.

"i was sitting next to rog (Ronan O'Gara) after the game and just looked at him and suggested that someone dig a hole and put us in it."
Anthony horgan after Ireland lost 45-7 to new Zealand at Lansdowne Road.


"I was very, very hurt. i had worked for nine years in lots of roles for the association, for the one employer and as a full-time employee. So to be dispatched, cut off, more or less overnight was quite hurtful andd disappointing. but that was their entitlement and that was the decision of the wise men of the association."
Brian Kerr, reflecting on the decision of the FAI not to renew his contract as Republic of Ireland manager.

"next weekend is going to be a tough one, whatever happened against New zealand, Australia are a different bag of hammers."
Irish coach Eddie O'Sullivan looking forward to the game against Australia, In which Ireland also got hammered.


"Looking at our games near the end of the campaign ... against Cyprus away we were like a pub team. After that game people were having a pop at Brian (Kerr), but you can't blame hime for one been able to make a 10-yard pass. we supposed to be the cream of Irish footballers and we were just all over the shop."
Damien Duff's on the Irish team's World Cup qualifying campaign.

"Ever since I started off in Na Piarsaigh, and going to the North Monastery, i was told croke Park, the steps of the Hogan stand, that's what you inspire to. I bought into that growing up on the norh side of Cork, and I waned to live that dream. And today it came true."
- Sean Og O hAilpin after captaining Cork to the all-Ireland hurling title in September.

GAA - Ireland's own Column"

Heart column of 'Ireland's Own', a monthly magazine which prides itself on being very quirky! Well its readers are certainly quirky and/or possessed of a good sense of humour!


a.. Grossly overweight Louth Senior County Full forward, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks nimble sex-pot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and
humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.

a.. Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, hurling fan, seeks replacement mammy. Must like finches orange, making sandwiches in tinfoil for the big matches and answer to the name Minnie. Thurles area.
a.. Galway man, 50, in desperate need of a ride.
Anything considered.

a.. Bitter, disillusioned Kerry man lately domianted and rejected by
longtime 6 county palying partner seeks decent, honest, beatable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced northern b****es.

a.. Ginger-haired Limerick senior hurler and troublemaker, gets
slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops every night after training, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.


a.. Artistic Clare man, 53, former Senior County Hurling Manager - petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along
like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach
essential.


a.. Dublin Chartered accountant, rugby man, 42, seeks female for
marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office
social functions. References required. No timewasters.

a.. Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a
damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde
lady with chest.

a.. Meath Devil-worshiper, navan area, seeks like-minded
lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and stomping and spitting on GAA player from the restt of the country.


a.. Attractive brunette, Macroom area, winner of Miss
Wrangler competition, who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort
drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!

a.. Cork man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the Sunday on the 2nd weekend of September betwen 2.00 pm and 11.30 pm.

GAA better than soccer (2)

1) The GAA player who played in front of 80,000 at
the weekend will be teaching your children, selling you meat or fixing
your drains on Monday morning. The soccer player who plays in front of
80,000 will be moaning about playing too many games and will be trying to
sell you his personalised brand of leisure wear

2) GAA nicknames are better. Soccer players just add a Y to their surnames

3) Dublin vs Meath is a real derby. What does Utd. Vs City mean to Ronaldo or Sibierski

4) How many soccer players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer
eleven. One to stick it in and ten to surround and kiss him after he does it

5) Soccer players go to the papers after a game. GAA
players go to the pub

6) John Terry would run a mile if he came up against Francie Bellew

7) GAA teams are numbered 1-15. A soccer team reads like the lottery results

8) All soccer players wear shin pads. Some hurlers wear helmets

9) Television runs soccer. Schoolteachers run the GAA

10) The GAA is about where you're from. Soccer is about who you like

11) No segregation at GAA games

12) No soccer team has a nickname quite as lovely as the Fighting Cocks of Carlow

13) Bubble perms never made it to Croke Park

14) A scoreless draw in the GAA would be quite a novelty

15) Roman Abramovich can buy the League. You can't buy Sam!!

Bits and Bobs....

GAA Uranus

GAA and Progressive Rock

Its a bit silly but I ahve no idea between GAA and Progressive Rock..






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Get your Kit Off

Spar Supermarket Spain and erotic GAA

Is this subliminal advertising... Everytime I see it... on turns to "off" and I get a bit shaken. Is it a waning to GAA fans not to take off their shirts during a hot day on the Hill?




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Feckin Animal - but which one?

Taken from the front page of the Irish Times the Monday after the Cork V Kerry Championship Semi-Final

Ouch. Seamus Moynihan bites while Brendan Jer O' Sullivan Gouges

Female fans as 'prize heifers'

I don't view female fans as 'prize heifers' says under-fire GAA chief

No koke this, but sounds like one. It taken from the Irish Independent of Thursday September 1st 2005.

GAA president Sean Kelly last night said he was surprised to have been accused of regarding female fans as 'prize heifers'.

He was responding for the first time to a furore caused by his assertion that well-dressed ladies should be paraded on the Croke Park pitch before big games.

His views, in programme notes for last Saturday's All-Ireland football quarter-final replay against Tyrone, sparked accusations that he viewed female fans as "prize heifers".

Ladies' Gaelic Football Association head Helen O'Rourke accused Mr Kelly of treating women like animals at a country fair.

Mr Kelly, chairman of the integration committee charged with bringing the women's and men's associations together said female GAA supporters were a "wonderful sight for sore eyes"."The thought struck me that we should have a 'Queen of Fashion' at big days in Croker," he said in his notes.

"Select the best dressed of the ladies, march them around the field after the band and then present the winner with her prize - a day at the races, or a day in the bog, two tickets for the All-Ireland, etc."

But the top female Gaelic organisation described his remarks as "condescending" and an "insult".

Mr Kelly wrote: "At the drawn game, I took a good look at the women. They are now coming to matches in their droves, more power to them. They go to great trouble to dress up for the day in their county colours - all matching from head to toe. Some of the women build around the official jersey in a most imaginative and, may I say, attractive way. Others design their own concoctions. Wonderful sights for sore eyes."

Helen O'Rourke responded that women were more interested in playing football in Croke Park than being paraded in a fashion contest.

"He sounds like he's talking about putting a county parade rosette on a prize heifer. It's antiquated and I thought those days were long over.

"It is obvious that women who play football and come to matches are there because they love and are interested in the game. We have 100,000 members and every one of those aspires to play at Croke Park, not to be paraded around at a fashion show.

"It's in very poor taste. I couldn't believe it. I was very disappointed when I read the programme and I think he must have been watching too much of the Rose of Tralee. It sounds like a country fair."

Speaking to the Irish Independent last night, Mr Kelly insisted his remarks were "a harmless bit of fun and should be taken in the context and spirit in which they were written".

He was surprised any offence could be taken and defended his record on promoting the affairs of women in the GAA.

"Nothing I said was derogatory towards ladies. In fact it was quite the opposite. I think it is wonderful to see so many ladies now attending GAA games in their county colours. I was merely complimenting that."

He added: "There is never a problem or a big deal made about best dressed ladies at race meetings. It's part and parcel of any festival. I was complimenting the standard of fashion at GAA games now and suggesting how it could be acknowledged in a light hearted way. I didn't think offence would be taken four days after the game."

Ms O'Rourke said she felt his comments set back equal opportunity moves to integrate men's and women's sporting organisations.

"Fashion is not the reason women come to Croke Park . . . We had to wait up to 10 days before the GAA agreed to our match last weekend and this article has undermined the interest women have in the sport.

"All we want to do is play football. I found it quite insulting because we have to struggle so hard for our sport."

She conceded: "He might have been joking, but there is too much of those kind of sentiments around that are seriously meant."

Colm Keys and Helen Bruce

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This is not taken from an episode of Fr Ted it is a direct quote from Sean Kelly's programme notes..

The Top 10 GAA cock-ups

The Top 10 GAA cock-ups

1. Kerry's "goal" against Tipp (1999 Munster football
   c'ship) : After just eight minutes Kerry corner-forward Gerry Murphy kicked the ball wide but it came back into play off a stanchion and the Rathmore player finished the rebound to the net. Kerry won by 6 points and Tipp were not awarded a replay.

   
   



2. The "point" that never was (1995 Leinster football
   tie) : Laois' Mick Turley kicked the  ball over his head with 42 seconds remaining and the ball was deemed to have gone over the Carlow bar. But video evidence showed that it had gone wide. Laois won by a point. Laois later offered Carlow a replay and won in the re-fixture.

   
   
   



3. Six sent off (1999 Leinster tie) : With the introduction of new rules, ref Niall Barrett of Cork dished out 14 yellow cards and sent off six players, four from Carlow. Westmeath won by four points.

   
   



4. GPA "Player of the Year" (2001) : After
   initially awarding and informing Padraig Joyce both verbally and in writing that he had won their award, on the night of the presentation he is playing for Connacht in the Railway Cup in Killarney and cannot attend. But at the ceremony it is announced that Declan Meehan won the award.

   
   



5. Jimmy Cooney's "lost minutes" (1998 All-Ireland
   hurling semi-final) : With Clare hanging on to a three point lead against Offaly, Galway ref Jimmy Cooney blows for full-time with over two minutes of play remaining. By the time he realised his mistake, stewards were leading him from the field. Hundreds of Offaly fans sat in protest on the field. The Kerry U-21 hurlers were due to play Kildare after but couldn't proceed. The Senior game  went to a replay, which Offaly won.

   
   
   



6. Cork minor's two yellows (2000 minor semi) : Midfielder
   Kieran Murphy received two yellow cards from Roscommon ref Gerry Kinneavy but wasn't ordered off. Cork held on by a point and Derry's appeal for a rematch was turned down.

   
   



7. Alcohol Sponsorship :  In pre-Guinness hurling championship times the Central Council voted against accepting financial backing from the drinks Industry at a behind closed doors meeting. It subsequently emerged that the vote was tied and it was former and the then GAA President Peter Quinn which decided the issue.

   
   



8. Wrong team won (Connacht minor final 1989) : In the dying seconds of the game, Roscommon who are trailing Galway by a point, are awarder a penalty. Shane Curran sprints forward and drives the kick to the net. The whistle blows and Roscommon assume they have won and are presented with the cup. But it subsequently emerges that the ref disallowed the goal from the penalty and Galway are declared the official winners. Galway agree to a replay but lose.

   
   
   



9. Get off Charlie Redmond (1995 All-Ireland final) : Ref Paddy Russel sent Charlie off in the game against Tyrone, but Charlie stayed on the field. It was only a few minutes later when the ref sees Charlie that he leaves the field. Dublin win by a point but Tyrone do not appeal.

   
   



10. No show for extra-time (1987 NFL QF) : Dublin and Cork finish level at the end of normal time. Cork retire to their dressing room and fail to re-appear for the E T. The match was restarted with Dublin facing no opposition. While the Cork players are on their bus, Barney Rock scores the easiest game of his career to put Dublin through. Cork's protests are turned down and Dublin go on to win the League.

    
    
    
    Taken from Its a Funny Old Game

You know it's Championship time with......

You know it's Championship time with......

Taken from It's a Funny Old Game

1-10
* Flags outside houses near championship time.
* the noise in Croke Park when the teams come out.
* the few pints in the Big Tree before the game
* the anticipation in the days coming up to a big game
* the banter between supporters.
* the stories about players from a bygone age.
* Every player, no matter how good, always has a younger brother that would have been better but for the booze/women/emigration/job/incarceration etc. (Delete as appropriate)
* On any one summer sunday more people would attend club and county fixtures across the country than would attend soccer and rugby combined all year long.

* Old blokes with transistor radios who are always more interested in the radio telling you about U-21 hurling down in Limerick than the game they're watching in Irvinestown.
* Ringing up people you haven't spoke to in 12 months telling them to keep you in mind for a ticket, then getting a complete shock when they come up with the goods. Then telling everyone that asks you for a ticket to 'feck off - do you not know how hard it is to get tickets'.

11-20
* The craic in the pub after a big win and not caring that you're going to miss the bus, because you know someone will give you a lift.
* The OOOOOOO of the crowd when there is a bone crunching shoulder.
* Those days when you're playing out of your skin and you can do no wrong, you just know before the keeper kicks the ball out, your going to catch it clean.
* Championship football on a warm summers evening, the hard sod, quick ball and the roar of the crowd.
* Pints in the town after winning a club championship game.
* John 3:7
* Beaches in July when all the fathers are inside their cars listening to the news from Clones or Thurles.
* Interviews with the players and you hear the real accents of the places they come from.
* Bringing the cup around to schools in the months after the all-Ireland

* Pubs with Allstar posters on the walls

21-30
* "Johno's" car or van filled to the roof with under 12's on the way to a match.
Then, on the way home he stops at a shop and buys them all ice-cream,all from his own pocket.
* The one line comment from some wit in the crowd that gets both sets of supporters
laughing and cheering.
* The last bars of amhran na bhFiann lost in the mighty roar
* Cars parked in every gap in the hedge and every farmyard at local championship matches.
* Not caring about the splatters of cowshite caked on the ankle of your trousers because of the day thats in it.
* Young wans playing their own championship behind the goals at the county final
* "Anyone buyin or sellin a ticket ?"
* The anticipation of the first club challenge match of the year
* Wee Mickey on the School team being the first player from the club to get a provincial medal - boys but he's going to be some footballer.
* The same wee Mickey getting caught by his da taking a pint after he scores 1-6 on his championship debut at 15 - bought for him by the club captain - who's da caught him in a similar situation 15 years earlier

31-40
* You shake hands with the guy you're marking before the match, then proceed to kick seven sorts of s**t out of him and abuse his mother for 60 minutes,and shake hands with him again after.
* Being lifted over the turnstiles by your Da when you were a kid.
* Having something to talk to your Da about
* gives you sense of identity of where you come from, something you will have til the day you die

* when you're a young lad after coming home from Croker, you and cousins and neighbours play out the match again until the sunday game (you're Mikey Sheehy and your cousin is Jack O'Shea)
* The pure Heart and love for the game that makes a lad want to die going for the ball as opposed to the pros in soccer that show no emotion.
* The local newspaper supplements in the week of a big match.
* Straw hats (why are they confined almost exclusively to Galway and Mayo supporters?)
* The conveyor line of stout, so they just top one off when you order

* The combination of professionalism and naivety - Larry Tompkins, one of the best prepared and most professional footballers ever, missed a Munster final because he got sunburned on his feet!

41-50
* The most professional sports organisation in the country runs one of the few truly amateur sports left and sends out Danny Lynch to deal with the world's media!
* The consolation that no matter how bad things go ..there's always next year (not anymore in Kilmoyley)
* Wearing your county jersey because you love it, not because it is a fashion item
* Hearing people in the crowd going on about will so-and-so start? I heard he's on the beer, I heard he's too busy chasing skirt to be bothered his arse training etc. giving out about him for the whole game and then he ends up being the hero by scoring the last minute winner and they turn around and say I knew he'd do it, what did I tell ye?

The State of Tipperary Hurling

Tipperary Hurlers

Taken during training for the Munster Final 2005

The Tipp Boys are well known for their fondness for the auld sauce and this picture of Eoin Kelly during training says it all.






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A Pissing (GAA) Match 1976

Gaaa Match

Taken during 1976

Taken by Josef Koudelka in Ireland during 1976. You can see more of his Pictures here







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If Soccer is this Gay, More GAA Please

Is soccer gay?

And theya re thinking of letting Soccer into croke Park. You must be joking. Damien Duffers me arse.

From http://www.linksdaily.com/?sida=tengill&id=106042

Truth is Stranger than Fiction

A tale of Men

Mini Riot

NINE GAA club members were each given suspended jail sentences yesterday when they pleaded guilty to charges arising from what was described by gardai as a "mini-riot" two-and-a-half years ago.

The charges followed an incident involving members of Scotstown Gaelic Football Club which developed during a disco at The Glencarn Hotel in Castleblayney, Co Monaghan, on July 15, 2002, during which a number of hotel stewards were attacked and injured.

Garda Sergeant Paul Carroll, Castleblayney, told an earlier hearing the "mini-riot" developed after the group had been drinking heavily earlier in the day following a GAA match before attending a disco at the hotel. The trouble erupted when one of the accused men brought a bar-stool out on the dance floor for a lady who appeared to become weak. When told by a steward that such seating was not permitted on the dance floor, the fracas developed in which several of the accused became involved and a number of stewards were punched and kicked.

"It was a particularly harrowing experience for the nightclub staff on the occasion," the garda said. "What took place on the occasion was totally out of character - they have regretted it very much since and are prepared to accept responsibility," she said.



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The Dogs

Truth is Stranger than Fiction

Reservoir Dogs has an unconventional structure, cleverly shuffling back and forth in time to reveal details about the characters, experienced criminals who know next to nothing about each other. Joe (Lawrence Tierney) has assembled them to pull off a simple heist, and has gruffly assigned them colour-coded aliases (Mr Orange, Mr Pink, Mr White) to conceal their identities even from each other. But something has gone wrong, and the plan has blown up in their faces. One by one, the surviving robbers find their way back to their prearranged warehouse hideout. There, they try to piece together the chronology of this bloody fiasco--and to identify the traitor among them who tipped off the police. Pressure mounts, blood flows, accusations and bullets fly. In the combustible atmosphere these men are forced to confront life-and-death questions of trust, loyalty, professionalism, deception and betrayal.

As many critics have observed, it is a movie about "honor among thieves" (just as Pulp Fiction is about redemption, and Jackie Brown is about survival). Along with everything else, the movie provides a showcase for a terrific ensemble of actors: Harvey Keitel, Tim Roth, Steve Buscemi, Michael Madsen, Christopher Penn and Tarantino himself, offering a fervent dissection of Madonna's "Like a Virgin" over breakfast. Reservoir Dogs is violent (though the violence is implied rather than explicit), clever, gabby, harrowing, funny, suspenseful and even--in the end--unexpectedly moving.


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January 2005 Funny GAA Pics

The Grassy Knoll

Ken McGrath Assassination

Ken McGrath was assassinated by a lone Kerry lunatic during the Munster Final 2004 against Cork. For millions of Waterford people, this event was a long-remembered sorrowful experience.

Fr. Horan (of the Silverstone and Olympics fame), arrested in a movie theater at 1:50 pm was charged at 7:00 pm for killing a Tippperary Ban Garda by "murder with malice", and also charged at 11:30 pm for the murder of Ken McGrath. Five days after McGrath was killed, Prime Minister Bertie Ahern created the Thurles Commission, chaired by Chief Justice Wiggan, to investigate the assassination.

Many people dispute the claim that Horanwas an assassin, or, the sole assassin. Investigations, scientific testing, and recreations into the circumstances have not, in the Waterfor public's view, settled the question of who plotted to kill him. A 2003 "RTE tv news" poll showed that 32 percent of them who expressed a view believe that McGrath was killed by 3 Corkmen.



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What are they looking at

It is a well known fact that no one, I mean no one read Pat Spillane's 2004 GAA Joke Book. Why, because in it was plagurised from the Internet. Pat discovered Google or was told by his Kerry (remedial) students about it. What Joke could be sharing with Eamonn. Check out the Pat Spillane Quotes on this site.


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Give me that feckin burger!

Taken after the Senior Leinster Fottball final Replay in 2004 against Laois, it takes half a dozen Westmeath boys to hold back Paidi hungerin for a batter burger. Or is it burgers hes after. It may well be the photographer's valubale camera. Would amke a fine Christmas present for his missus.


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________

Funny Piss Take of Marty

Holidays in the Sun

Holidays in the Sun

Its holiday time again for GAA teams. December and January are the most popular months for GAA teams around the country to take leave of these shores.


Westmeath
Leinster Champions Westmeath are off to South Africa with Paidi. Kerry and Kilkenny have been there previously.

Wateford
Waterford will also set off for South Africa in January.

Wexford
Wexford will hit Phuket, Thailand in January 2005.

Derry
Derry are going to the Gran Canaria on Saint Stephens Day.

Kerry
The Kerry footballers are been treated to a break in Cancun, Mexico as well a few days in Las Vegas. That's an expensive trip. I wonder where there hurlers are going. Ballybunnion, I suppose.

Mayo and Fermanagh
They have decided not to go any where. Fermanagh have also decided to postpone any trip fort the time being.

Cork
Cork hurlers were in Vietnam last year. This year they are heading to New Zealand.

Corkmen on Tour

Jesus, they are going to foreign fields this year. I don't know if the locals will understand the lingo .. feens, beors, Cove,- its like, eh, boy - grand.


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GAA Banners

Some GAA Banners


Kerry for President, Mayo for the All Ireland
Kerry go heavy on the Mayo

A SAM with no Mayo
is Maughan WE CAN TAKE !

1998 Offaly v KK
"We'll tickle your Pussy"

1985 Dublin v Kerry
"Brian Mullins lays on more balls than Joanne Hayes" (referring to Kerry Babies scandal)

1980 Roscommon Banner
"After sex, Roscommon we love you the best!"

1975 Dublin v Kerry
"Brian and Barney will beat them back to Killarney!"

Effin Eddie's Sound Clips

Effin Eddie is Comedy GAA Commentary. If you want to buy the Comedy video with the clips as heard beloe and more, please don't contact me but the good people at effineddie@o2.ie. He has a website.

Download a few clips from a GAA match -
this is some of the above clips combined (560 kb)

Download all the clips in one zip file (apart from GAA match) - 1.5 mb

Update: July 2006: Up the Deise has done a cool soundboard with all Eddie's clips.

Westmeath County Jokes

Boylan, you've won nothing since drug testing came in! - Westmeath fan in 2003

Louth County Jokes

Sorry, One of only two counties, I have to find jokes for. If you have one, email me at michael(at)gaa.irish-guy.com

Down County Jokes

Profile of Down GAA

Referees

Referees by John B. Keane

There is a daring breed of men whose exploits have never made the front pages of newspapers, whose heroics forever remain unsung, whose visages will never be seen on our television screens and about whom no songs are made. Be that as it may, what matters is that this breed of man is common to every generation and no matter what abuses or tortures the breed suffered in a previous generation it will always bob to the surface in this present one. It will show itself to be unsullied and untainted by previous wrongs and it will carry on with the job regardless.

I refer, of course, as if you didn't know, to that dauntless band of gentlemen, none other than those heroes who referee junior football matches. Now don't get me wrong. There are few of us who loved the game who did not at one time or another find ourselves with a whistle in the hand when the appointed referee failed to turn up. This is all very well but, while we may have acted the part once, nothing on this earth could induce us to do so again. We did it and we wrote it down to experience. -We were grateful to escape without injury and those who suffered physically were even more resolved never to be caught again with a whistle in the hand.

The hero to whom I refer is he who comes out Sunday after Sunday to do the needful in the matter of refereeing. Often his task is easy and pleasant but only where one team is so much better than another that a referee is not needed at all.
His life is in danger however when there is nothing between the teams. Then in the eyes of the partisans his every decision is riddled with prejudice and no matter what way he points the finger he is greeted with a storm of catcalls and booing. To these he is impervious and he takes them for granted.

It is when he makes the genuine mistake that he is in serious trouble. Nothing will convince the injured party but that it was deliberate. First the ball is flung at the referee. Then he is abused with a wide range of choice epithets.
At this stage experienced referees go to where the ball is, sit on it and wait till the whole thing blows over. The worst he is likely to suffer if he chooses this course is a belt of a cadhrawn or a scraw. However, if he attempts to hand the whistle to one of his tormentors it is felt by one and all that he is stepping outside the part and is no longer, as it were, in sanctuary.

Acts like this are regarded as impertinence. Once he ignores his enemies he is more or less ignored himself but once he takes them seriously he is asking for trouble. After the game is over is the worst time. There is no police protection and it is quite true to add that the game may have been contested in a village where there never were police. His best bet here is to pick out the biggest man in the vicinity and to open a conversation with him. Those who are out for his blood can never be sure but 'tis his brother or maybe his uncle he is talking to.

A referee who togs out in white is taken far more seriously than a referee who does not tog out at all. Like a singer who appears on stage wearing a dress suit, he has a headstart over those who treat the occasion lightly. The referee who merely stuffs his trousers inside his socks and hands his coat to his girlfriend is asking for trouble.

Whatever way one looks at it, it is a hazardous occupation. Referees for the most part are even-tempered men who do not court trouble. This, however, is no protection and the good referee must know a few tricks if he is to survive. Before I close I would like to recall one of these tricks as I saw it.

The match was a junior semi-final. All went well and our friend staggered around without falling. What saved him was the fact that he did not blow the whistle. Then following a long bout of booing he blew, and having blown could not remember why. The pitch was invaded but, completely in command, our friend raised his hand and announced that he had blown the whistle in order that two minutes might be observed. Nobody asked who was dead. It wouldn't do to exhibit such ignorance.

GAA Sponsorship Deals

GAA Sponsorship Deals

Following hot on the heels of the announcement of a free boots deal between Dublin and Adidas, comes news of another GAA sponsorship. The newly revived Newbridge Cutlery firm has agreed a 5-year arrangement with Limerick County board that will see each Limerick player, in both codes, from juvenile level upwards, equipped with a top of the range knife. Players will be able to select a knife of their own choosing from the wide Newbridge range. A straw poll amongst the hurling and football panels last night showed a strong preference emerging among the footballers for the 8" fish filleter, though some of the backs favoured the cleaver. Among the hurlers, the strap-on bayonet was a clear favourite, most seeing its potential for improving the effectiveness of butt-end rib jabbing.

GAA top brass have hinted that this is just the start of an expected avalanche of sponsorship deals with the advent of the liberalising presidency of Kerryman Sean Kelly. Already there are whispers of talks between officials in Kelly's own county and Fota Wildlife Park that will see the Kerry menagerie spend their non-playing weekends behind cage bars at Munster's biggest zoo. Fota chiefs are said to be quietly confident of closing the deal and securing the biggest animal attraction in the country. Other deals rumoured to be in the offing are tutus and ballet pumps for the Kildare squad (though there are suggestions that Martin Lynch is negotiating a solo deal with a scuba gear company and a reported arrangement between Armagh and Portaloo.

Talks are said to be at an advanced stage between Galway and Vanity Pocket Mirrors Ltd. of Cappataggle, while Mayo are being courted by the Wide-Angle Lenses division of Kodak ("get the picture, no matter how wide the shot" is their famous slogan).

Observers of the sports sponsorship market have been indulging in speculation over other obvious possible arrangements, such as Wicklow and Ifor Williams Trailers (for bulk referee transport) and Donegal and Budget Travel ("let your best players take a break between matches"). Meanwhile, Meath County Board have strenuously denied rumours of approaches by various companies, including Muggers-R-Us (Everything for the committed robber"), Sports Music Publishers Ltd. (who made their name with the massive 'hit' - pardon the reference - "Take me Out of the Ball Game") and the National Lottery ("We have draws every week").

Hurling Explained

Hurling Explained!!

"Coming from Meath, I don't know much about any sport other than football. I've seen handball once. I've heard tell there's a game called 'rounders'and I'm even told that there's a women's version of gaelic football, where they're allowed to pick the ball off the ground and a point is worth three goals. But all I knew, until recently, about the other sport administered by the GAA was that it involves the use of weapons and that only Kilkenny, Tipperary and Cork are allowed to play it. (For the information of football people, Kilkenny, apparently, is a county in Leinster).

I've never met people from Kilkenny or Tipperary because those places are very far in off the main roads, so the only hurling fans I've ever met were from Cork. (I can understand why Cork people follow hurling, because I've seen their football teams). Anyway, these people told me (without being asked) that hurling is "de fastest field game in de world (boy)" and "de most skilful sport of 'em all (like)". So I decided that I should plug this gap in my education and rented a few tapes of big matches to try and figure out how hurling works. I was immediately surprised to find out that, unlike most field games, hurling doesn't involve the use of a ball. Look as closely as you like at any game of hurling and you'll see no ball. At first, I thought the ball must be too small and travelling at too great a speed to be visible to the naked, non-Corkonian, Kilkennian or Tipperarian eye. But I quickly realised that hurling is, in fact, a stick-breaking competition, in which the object of the game is to break your weapon, a thick ash stick, either against your opponent's stick (like the reverse of the principle of conkers) or, failing that, against his limbs, torso, head etc. While the weapon remains unbroken, it is used to weaken the opponent's resistance and thus make it easier to chase him down and improve your chances of a successful break.

The stick is called a hurley and there are three parts to it - the warhead, which is the heavy end of the weapon, usually reinforced with steel bands. It is used for cudgelling, bludgeoning and inflicting contusions, concussion and localised damage to the head and body of the opponent;- the blade this is the sharpened, curved part of the device, just above the warhead area, which is effective in slicing through fleshy tissue and in routine amputation applications;- the butt, which is the stabbing end of the apparatus, used for tenderising the opponent's rib cartilage. The only protective equipment used is the helmet. Helmets come in a variety of styles.

Many players wear knee-pads tied to the tops of their heads, some stick their heads up through the bottom of a canary-cage and one lad from Cork wears a deep-fat fryer. The headgear also comes in various colours because, apparently, no two players on any team are allowed to wear the same colour. The game starts with two players from each side standing, fully armed, in the middle of the field. On a signal from the referee, they start to beat each other about the ankles with their sticks until the referee blows a whistle. When he blows it again, other sets of combatants lay into each other, trying to break their sticks, either overhead against their opponent's weapon in a sort of aerial fencing (known as "the clash of the ash") or on the opponent himself (the gash of the ash).

When a player succeeds in breaking his stick - a smash of the ash - a huge roar goes up from the crowd, the player waves his broken stick above his head in triumph and immediately he is thrown a replacement weapon from a store that is kept on the sideline (the stash of the ash). The crowd roars at other random occasions also, in what appears to be a side competition between the two sets of supporters, because when they roar, a man in a white coat holds up a white flag, in the manner of an umpire in football.

If the roar is really loud, he waves a green flag. If a player manages to strike his opponent on the hand or in the stomach area, this is known as a "dirty pull" and is one of the principal skills of the game. The only form of violence not permitted is pushing an opponent in the back and referees deal mercilessly with offenders against this rule. On the other hand, crippling, mangling, maiming and disembowelling and all other forms of lash with the ash are quite in order. The contest continues until there are no spare sticks left and the referee declares a winner, presumably based on a combination of broken stick count and number of casualties which, considering the weaponry deployed and the ferocity of the conflict is usually remarkably few.

As a result of this preliminary research, I came to a few obvious conclusions: Kilkenny must be disarmed - by force if necessary; weapons inspectors must be given access to Cork and Tipperary and there is finally an explanation for the fact that the Romans never came to Ireland.

I discovered also that only teachers, students and policemen play the game. This makes sense, everybody else has work to go to. One final mystery remains: where are the Gardai when all this is going on?

When will the blue lights flash on the clash of the ash?"

The Bold and not so Beautiful

John Brogan

He was aa superstar of te 80's up with Spillane. But this picture does him no justics. Its the haircut, the T-shirt, the vest beneath the T-shirt, the classes. In fact, everything.


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Eugene Hughes

Lets call hime "Fun Boy" for now. I'd say the pranks this fellow got upo to. Mad stuff, Im sure. A former All-Star and a good an, he just had aman hair day.


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Seanie Leary and Ger Loughnane

There is something not right about this picture. Ger, Seanie and the Ref. Still important figures in Public Life, Seanie was in all fairness a great player but always chubby. Ger looks quite pissed off. All that stress in later life shed his golden locks.


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Pat Hartigan

Great Limerick Player from the 70's/80's. Still Gaa men should stick to GAA. He looks like hes is going to burst a blood vessel.Maybe his shorts were too tight.


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Johnnie Flaherty

Offaly Hurler Johnnie Flaherty tries to market a new style of protective helemt. ... but finds take up low.


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Linnane from Galway

I would not mess with this man on any given Sunday.


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Mike Sheehy

Played Minor, under 21 and Senior for Kerry. Regular player for Kerry since 1974. But Jesus, a great player but the haircut was cat. I can imagine him in bellbottom flares and a loud shirt.


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Pat "Arnt I great, lads" Spillane

Thepride of Kerry. Superstar and RTE commentator ... goes his "Bosco" impression.


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Who Else??

Who else. Who should be in the top ten. Who should not be. Email me
michael(at)gaa.irish-guy.com


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The Bold and the Beautiful

Christy Ring

Any man who can inflame passions in men as equally as in Women deserves a place in the top Ten. Here, we see Nick O'Donnell give Christy Ring a wet one on the li[s after Cork Defeated Wexford in the 1956 All-Ireland Final. While the Caption says embrace, its more like sexual assault the way he has his hands around him. Christy didnt have much say in the matter. The lad looking on the Dali Lama hat seemes fairly shocked by the carry on.An emotional moment indeed.


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Thomas Mulcahy

Its not a Cork love it but with with Tom's movie Star good looks and his skill in hurling, he should have been the Jason mcAteer of the 90's, selling shampoo in ads and making lots of dosh.


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Eoin "Bomber" Liston

Another Munster Man and the Big Man of Kerry Football in the 80's. A man whose beard actually suited him.


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Micko O' Dwyer

The man that goes on and on. Can you call him an old man now... not to his face. At his best style wise in the late 70's


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Noel Ryan and Ger Cunningham

A lovers tiff. Not the best looking men in the Top ten but a jilted love from a clare Cad deserves some sympathy. Touching!


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Jimmy Dennihan

What is it with munster Men. Another man still in the News. The early 80's were Jimmy's style years with a brazen John Travolta look.


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Jimmy Barry Murphy

Sublime dual player, the first Skinhead GAA player, great Manager... 6 foot two, eyes of blue, JMB, Cork still loves you.. Need I say more. Still, he needs a haircut these days.


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John Connolly

John Connolly. Star and pride of Galway. The "Judge Dredd" jawline and lots of crusty bread led to this fine cut of a man.


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Who Else??

Who else. Who should be in the top ten. Who should not be. Email me
michael(at)gaa.irish-guy.com


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The GAA and Funny Pictures

Muhammad Ali Plays Hurling

Taken on the 19th of July 1972

He doesnt look too bad with the hurl. Muhammad Ali, the greatest and certaintly the most volorful boxer of all time fought Al "Blue" Lewis at Croke park on July 19th, 1972. Ali won when the fight was stopped in the 11th round. This pictures features Ali and Eddie Keher of Kilkenny. Still, If Ali was eligible like theO'Halpin's Down in Cork, I doubt he would play for the cats!


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It takes Balls to Play GAA

Pretty self Explanatory.


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RTE Stayes Ahead of the pack

Jesus, these are some rabid fans. They are really to devour this 10 inch Black and White TV. Ger Canning has probably just made one of usual feck-ups. If you think you know what county they are from email me or leave a comment at the bottom of the page.


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Down Win a Game

Before Robbie Jeane and his celebrations, was Pat Donnan of County Down.


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Down Up for the Cup

Mayo captain Martin Carney didnt have pocession for the cup (as usual) for very long after the Connacht Final.


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Christy Ring

A hnad injury to Christy Ring forced hime to retire early in the 1957 Munster Semi-Final played at Limerick. Here he receives a word of advice (send your captions to me) from umpire Mick Mackey! A famous picture.


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Smithwicks is bad for you

Smithwicks is waiting for you at the pitch. I never heard of Croke park having it. Maybe Smithwicks drinkers. I dont know. I wish they have Smithwicks Hurling Championships instead of Guinness.


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Funny Video
Wost Free Taker Ever!!!!



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Piss Take of Marty M

Monaghan County Jokes

That Feckin’ Eejagh!
Many moons ago when The Sunday Game decided to do a feature on the GAA careers of famous Irish people Mick Hand told a story about a visit to Inniskeen he made at the behest of RTE. Hand was instructed to assess the locals memories of the poet Patrick Kavanagh. A couple of local ould lads soon opened his eyes. They remembered Kavanagh not for his poetry but for his ineptitude in the goal. They described Patrick as a ‘f****n eegah’ and described the scene of a crucial game which occurred on a particularly hot day. With play at the opposite end Kavanagh spotted an ice cream vendor and trotted over to indulge himself, in the mean time however the opposition raced up the field to score the winning goal. Kavanagh’s name was synonymous with infamy in Monaghan thereafter.

Carlow County Jokes

You’re Off!
Changes in GAA refereeing legislation always ensure pandemonium. 1999 saw the introduction of the modern red card/yellow card ‘cautioning’ system. The interpretation of Cork ref Niall Barrett left a lot to be desired in a Leinster championship tie between Carlow and Westmeath. Barrett dished out fourteen yellow cards and gave six the line, four from Carlow.

It could only happen to a junior footballer.

It could only happen to a junior footballer.


From AnFearRua.com

In the modern world of the GAA much space and media coverage is devoted to the kings of our sport, those god-like possessors of mental and physical strength, skill and endurance, who grace the green sod of Croke Park with their majestic and decisive presence as summer warms around us…

There’s Fitzgerald, Carey, Giles, Leahy, Tohill, Whelehan, Canavan, Cloonan and Donnellan. Sporting Gods who fill the headlines on the back pages with their latest attempt at deity; an on, (or off) field indiscretion or photos that reveal our heroes cutting through the air ball in hand, their Spartan bodies a testament to years of physical conditioning and denial.

They are household names, faces recognizable almost anywhere in the thirty two counties. They are the heroes to whom our children look for inspiration, the elite of our wonderful games.

Yet they all began on roughly the same level as the rest of us. Into the back of the Master’s Datsun estate on a Saturday morning for coaching down at the park. Endless hand-passing drills, tedious practice of picking the ball up properly and your first attempt at a solo run, more an exercise in ‘catch and kick’ than anything else, as the ball rose high above your head before the loving cradle on the chest. Patiently following the Master’s instructions, awaiting the hallowed call of ‘Right lads, pick two teams!

And then those training games which seemed to last forever, amidst shouts of ‘Pull on it!’, ‘On your chest!’ or ‘Use your toe!’ No video to capture your finest hour, but sure who needed it when you could replay that winning score in your head or against the gable wall for the rest of the week. Great days and great memories. Maurice did it, DJ did it and Trevor did it, just as surely as you or I. And just as surely as the entire cast of our Junior C football squad at home.

Did you ever wonder how it happened? DJ probably got the exact same opportunities at nine years of age as the rest of the lads down in Gowran, yet for every DJ, there’s someone ploughing a lonely furrow at corner back on a Junior C team. These boys will never grace Croke Park, they won’t even get a mention in the Club notes in the local paper, let alone the back page of the Star. Yet they are the heartbeat of the GAA. They are the ones who play it for the sheer hell of it, for the craic, for the beer, for the slagging and often, just so they won’t let the parish down.

A few years ago An tImreoir received an injury before the start of the county football championship. He didn’t play for six months and by the time the new season kicked off, he discovered (to his horror I might add) that he was in fact eligible for the Junior C team for that year’s league. Did we have a Junior C team? Damned if I knew. Anyway, thus it was that on a typically wet and blustery Saturday evening in March your scribe found himself joining the underbelly of the GAA world as he sampled first hand the life of a junior C footballer.

Now there are many types of junior C footballer. At the high end of the scale, there are the young bucks who have just graduated from the U-16 team and are hopeful of promotion to at least the Junior A ranks, while some harbour dreams of a place on the Senior Panel itself. They usually keep to their own corner of the dressing room, tog out in the sponsored togs and socks from the local secondary school, and chat loudly among themselves on topics as varied as Robbie Williams, Friends or who Spots Flanagan is asking to The Debs. They usually play in the forward line, are annoyingly keen and possess a NIKE kitbag which boasts of hair gel, deodorant, flip flops and a freshly washed towel.

At the middle end of the age scale, there are three distinct groups. Group one still live in the area and are not particularly well possessed of the finer footballing skills. Opportunities for enhancement were severely curtailed by their decision to make the farm first love and football second. Quiet but amiable, they are mechanically minded, can drink for Ireland (Guinness only), and will walk out of the pub after twelve pints as erect and dignified as when they first entered. Restricted to corner or occasionally wing back, they won’t let you down and possess the mental strength more usually found at the higher end of the footballing scale. In sharp contrast to the U-16 graduates, they do not possess a kit bag per se, but arrive with boots in a Mace plastic bag and the same damp towel that served at last week’s game.

Group number two are the Boozers. These boys anecdotally have talent to burn and all have scored six goals in an U-14 game against someone or other in the distant past. They live their lives to the tune of “if only”, are always at full or corner forward and can easily score three or four points a game One of their number will be the free taker, and after a good performance, they can frequently be heard in the pub threatening a comeback to training on Tuesday night.

However. this never happens and the Boozers chances of being the next DJ or Micheal Donnellan ended the day God created women and put screw off caps on bottles of vodka. Despite both reputation and name, the Boozer could never drink as much as the Farmer in his wildest dreams, but he talks a good game and dressing room banter will inevitably focus on how “scuttered” said individual was at the previous night’s disco.

The final group of the twenty somethings no longer lives in the area. They sampled the bright lights of Dublin/London/New York many moons ago and are now only occasional visitors to the area. These may have been promising players as minors, and misfortune at losing their services will regularly be cursed in the local. They are not possessed of a kit bag at all and are only at the game because Bernie Micheal met them in the pub last night and asked them if they’d fancy a game.

Whilst togging out they will speak fondly of the old days and reminisce with the Boozers and the Farmers about “the time we played this crowd that yer man got sent off and the game was abandoned”. May be deployed literally anywhere on the field. Will impress for twenty minutes before pulling a muscle and signaling wildly to the line that they need replacing. Afterwards will regale the Farmers with wonderful tales of the night life in Dublin/London/New York and the money that can be made if they ever fancy a start.

Finally there are the Boys of the Old Brigade. These lads first pulled on the club colours sometime in the 60’s and there are team photos of long haired youngsters in the pub to prove it. They do not take part in the pre-match banter and every game is treated in the same no nonsense manner, as though they were taking the field in Croke Park itself. They are all selectors on the team and speak only to each other, and occasionally in grunts to their fellow team mates. If they don’t have a son among the U-16 graduates it’s only a matter of time until they do.

Their drinking habits most closely resemble those of the Farmer, and they resent the boastings of the Boozers, occasionally commenting that they “often spilt more on me tie than they’d drink in a night”. Are easily identified on the playing pitch due to their lack of hair, unmatched socks and a unique style of leg bandaging which requires the dressing to gradually peel away from the leg as the game wears on, giving them an even more fierce some look, as if that were required. Their best days are behind them and they usually retire at least half a dozen times before the decision takes effect.

Thus it was as I took the field for the Junior C’s, and thus I’m, sure it is for Junior B and C teams all over the country. They really are the heartbeat of the association. Unwittingly they combine the dual aims of social and sporting enjoyment that make Gaelic culture so special. Unwittingly they manage to reflect the whole male cross section of an area.

Who knows, had Maurice broken the pledge he might have joined the Boozers, had he preferred the land he might have been one of the Farmers. Maybe it was natural talent, maybe it was luck. But somewhere down in Cahirciveen there’s a long forgotten Junior player who can boast something the rest of us cannot. He can say he played with Maurice Fitzgerald, that he was there when it all began. And sure, isn’t it as fine a boast as any???

A poem of a great team

A poem of a great team.


We've often heard the legends of warriors fierce and drall,
Of great deeds done in history, of men that dare not fall,
But we have our unsung hero's, whose valour never known,
From the village of Glengooley, who hurled with stick and ball.

Who fought through all divisions of the Senior county ranks,
From the people of this Parish, to the men now we say, "thanks",
Since the Parish club was founded in the year of 1899,
By the single greatest man in Ireland Father Canon. Cormac Ryan.

If he had been alive that day, to see his dream come true,
On the fiftieth anniversary, what this little club could do,
So many years of waiting, had finally come to pass,

When the team and their selectors assembled for first mass,
The congregation gathered there, heads bowed on bended knee,
"God bless you Father Slattery for your blessed plea",
"Oh God go with ye Gooley Boys as ye march into the fray,
and may a Junior County title be with ye on this day...Amen".

The day,..oh the day, the day it was a dirty one, the rain and sleet came down,
But it didn't stop the exodus from our little town,
Traps and bikes thronged the road, all along the way
Them around, that had a few pound, they hired a hackney for the day.

The team arrived to tog out, above at Mossy Walsh's Bar,
Doctor Keane checked the lads out, and stood them all a jar,
A few pints on, in single file, they marched up to the pitch,
Half way there, when nature called, they had to go inside the ditch!

The atmosphere was electric, t'was more than some could stand,
Mike Dan Power got a weakness as the team paraded with the band,
The referee threw up a shillin', no one made a sound,
The Gooley boys had won the toss, they'de play with fall of ground.

The players took up positions, Glengooley versus Bally,
When a thunderous roar came from the crowd, "C'mon boys give 'em sally!"
The ball is in, the game is on, there's no more we can do,
Than to leave it to those fifteen men, who wear the green and blue.

Mike Pat Slattery, and his brother Joe, known affectionately as 'Snail'
Was first to get the ball, stick, hit and pass the ball to Reale,
But, Reale he couldn't hould the ball, no! he had to give the ball away,
And the Bally boys they siezed their chance and made the boys from Gooley pay,

Now, all was not in jeopardy, the game had just begun,
But the Gooley boys would want to tighten and put Bally on the run,
No sooner was the ball pucked out, than here they come again,
And before we had time to blink an eye, they stuck another one in !

"Well, fuck ye bunch of useless whores, will ye mark ye're fucken men,
Who the fuck put Reale on?, take him off and put on Big Dan!",
Young Ryan pucked out the ball, a lovely long ball at that,
t'was collected by his brother Mickey known as 'The Rat'

'The Rat' he darted from his man like a greyhound from the trap,
and percision, pace and accuracy put one straight over the lat,
Now that's ye're stuff Glengooley, ye've the beatens of them yet,
get in around the house now boys and stick one more in the net.
As play resumed, the ball dropped on the 45,
the 'Snail' was first to greet it, and send a bullet down the line,
Mike Pat Slattery and his brother Joe, whose father came from Youghal,
left the corner-back a mile behind and crossed an almighty ball,

"Now that's yer stuff Glengooley", as the roar came from the crowd,
"Saint Jude of Hopeless Cases, Lawrence Kiely's on the ground!"
"Did Anyone See What Happened...T'was that Long Pup Number 9,
C'mon now Ref get out your Book and Show that Pup the line!",

As Kiely was attended to, the Parish said a Prayer,
Were their dreams of County glory to end in just despair?
But Kiely, he arose again like Lazarus from the dead,
With a blood stained number 14 on, and a bandage around his head.

This put fire in their bellies now, the Gooley Boys saw red,
the challenge lay before them and the road was straight ahead.
Young Ger Ryan pucked out the ball, a lovely long ball at that,
T'was collected by his brother Mikey, again, known as 'The Rat'

Young Ger Hogan, whose father came from Youghal,
left the corner back another mile behind and crossed another mighty ball,
And the crowd they gasped in disbelief as that ball soared through the air,

Would it land between the uprights or descend into the square?
The roars and shout they faded out, and a deadly silence fell,
And the only sound that was heard around was the toning of a bell,
The seconds seemed like hours as that ball soared through the air,
And the fifteen men from Glengooley assembled in the square,

When suddenly the clouds were broke, with a blinding flash of light,
and that ball returned back down again with ferocious speed and might,
The Bally Boys just stood there perplexed by what they'de seen,
Could this be really happening or was it all a dream?

When suddenly the silence broke with "C'mon we can't be beat!"
And fifteen men from Glengooley, put the one ball in the net!

*In Memory of the great Bullock Doody who lost a leg in the final,
but played through the pain with a stump and a half!

The GAA Bizarro World

The GAA Bizarro World.

For all the seriousness involved in the sporting world the odd dose of the unusual is a welcome one.

Here’s My Top Twenty Bizarre GAA-Related Moments!

1.
The Day The GAA Woz Robbed.
Shortly after half time on the day of the Munster Hurling Final between Cork and Clare (1977) three men armed with revolvers opened the unlocked door of the counting room in Semple Stadium, Thurles; one of the men held three officials and a nine year old boy at bay while the others helped themselves to the cash and made off with £24,000 approximately. One scallywag later remarked that had the armed men asked the officials to empty their pockets they have made off with a lot more. Theories concerning the brains behind the operation abound to this day.

2.
Where’s My Hurl?
As the 2001 All-Ireland Club Hurling Final raced to its conclusion the boys from Graigue-Ballycallan began to wobble and Athenry sensed it. Athenry would eventually win the day in extra time but in a grandstand finish in normal time Eugene Cloonan scored the equalizing goal. Only moments later, and with the benefit of the action replay, did everyone realize that in the struggle to secure the three points Cloonan had wrestled the hurl of the opposing full back away for him to deliver this killer blow.

3.
When Cork Shagged Off To The Train Station!
A Dublin v Cork Football League Semi-Final (1987) which ended in a draw. Over the PA it had been announced that extra time would be played. Cork however headed for the train station insisting that they had their tickets bought. Dublin lined out for the extra period, the ball was thrown in and Dublin sauntered down the field was the easiest goal Barney Rock ever scored. For once Frank Murphy failed to get his way in the smoky committee rooms.

4.
Kerry & Bendix.
A week before the 1985 All-Ireland final the Kerry panel stripped off, wrapped themselves in towels and posed around a Bendix washing machine in a Tralee dressing room. The following Sunday, several newspapers carried a full-page advertisement of the scene with the accompanying slogan: ‘only Bendix could whitewash this lot.’ It was intended to mark the beginning of a three-year campaign with Bendix which would generate funding to improve the GAA grounds in Kerry. The deal caused absolute ructions.

5.
Jimmy Cooney’s Lost Minutes.
The 1998 All-Ireland Hurling Semi-Final between Clare and Offaly. As the Clare men clung to a three point lead, Galway referee Jimmy Cooney blew the game with two minutes of normal time remaining. By the time he realized his mistake he had been ushered from the field. The Offaly fans staged a sit-in and won the replay in Thurles.

6.
When Tipperary Invented The Media Ban.
The now defunct Irish Press ran a photograph on the front page which recorded a dust-up in the league final between Tipp and Kilkenny in 1968. The headline underneath asked: ‘is this sport?’ Later in the year as Tipp prepared for their All-Ireland final against Wexford, certain journalists were banned from Tipp training sessions. In response the NUJ instructed its members not to refer to the Tipp players by name in reports.

7.
The Three Stripes Affair.
Before the Munster Football Final (1976) Cork were generously offered a set of Adidas jerseys. The sight of the logo sent county board officials into convulsions and with a mere twenty minutes before the throw-in tape was being attached to the cloth while officials pleaded unsuccessfully with the players to wear the traditional blood and bandage.

8.
You’re Off!
Changes in GAA refereeing legislation always ensure pandemonium. 1999 saw the introduction of the modern red card/yellow card ‘cautioning’ system. The interpretation of Cork ref Niall Barrett left a lot to be desired in a Leinster championship tie between Carlow and Westmeath. Barrett dished out fourteen yellow cards and gave six the line, four from Carlow.

9.
Two Yellows You’re Off!
All-Ireland Minor Football Semi-Final (2000) Cork v Derry. Cork midfielder Kieran Murphy received two yellows but Roscommon referee Gerry Kinneavy neglected to send him off. Quick to notice the mistake the Cork bench substituted Murphy and proceeded to win the game. The miss was of course highlighted to the referee in the aftermath, Frank Murphy however arrived into the Cork dressing room and instructed them not to worry about anything and to prepare for the final as best they could, and he would ‘sort it out.’ The Cork minors went on the win the All-Ireland.

10.
The Maverick.
The Roscommon keeper Shane Curran has built himself quite a reputation. As legend has it while on trial with Manchester United the Connacht man assured Alec Ferguson that if the Scot thought he had trouble with Paul McGrath he was now in for something entirely different. Curran’s most enduring claim to fame however comes from the Connacht Minor Final (1989). As the game against Galway drew to its conclusion Roscommon trailed by a point, crucially they were awarded a penalty. Curran, lining out at wing forward, was more than enthusiastic about taking it. After a brief conversation between those interested another player lined up to take it while Curran hovered nearby. At the very last moment however Curran sprinted past and blasted his shot home. Reputably Curran had a comment to make as sprinted to the placed ball: ‘I told you I was f*****g taking it.’ The ref involved blew the whistle immediately, Roscommon assumed they had won and headed off to collect the cup. The Galway boys agreed to a replay, which Roscommon won.

11.
Get Off For God’s Sake!
The All-Ireland Football Final 1995. Dublin’s Charlie Redmond was sent off by Tipp’s Paddy Russell against Tyrone. Obstinate to the last Charlie stayed on the field for the next few minutes before Russell spotted him and corrected the oversight. Tyrone lost by a point and to their eternal credit made no official complaint.

12.
The Kerry Family Jewels.
The Munster Football Final between Cork and Kerry and centre back Conor Counihan takes it upon himself to feel up Jack O’Sé’s privates, Vinny Jones style, and on live TV too. A near riot ensued with the Bomber Liston distinguishing himself with the haymakers he delivered in the ensuing melée.

13.
The Day Enon Gavin Brought The House Down.
The Connacht Football Final (1992) between Mayo and Roscommon. In the excitement Enon took it upon himself to swing out of a crossbar only for it to give way and come crashing down. Apparently Enon still gets the traditional ribbing about the whole affair to this day.

14.
The Battle Of Aughrim.
Laois v Wicklow (1986). Laois to their delight had just won the National League and considered their first round clash with Wicklow a minor detail. Carthage Buckley from Offaly was the unfortunate referee. Wicklow didn’t stand back to admire the ambitions of the Laois men. The Laois players got a little frustrated with the whole affair and three of same got the line. The Laois fans chased the referee from the field at the final whistle which of course greeted a famous Wicklow win.

15.
That Feckin’ Eejagh!
Many moons ago when The Sunday Game decided to do a feature on the GAA careers of famous Irish people Mick Hand told a story about a visit to Inniskeen he made at the behest of RTE. Hand was instructed to assess the locals memories of the poet Patrick Kavanagh. A couple of local ould lads soon opened his eyes. They remembered Kavanagh not for his poetry but for his ineptitude in the goal. They described Patrick as a ‘f****n eegah’ and described the scene of a crucial game which occurred on a particularly hot day. With play at the opposite end Kavanagh spotted an ice cream vendor and trotted over to indulge himself, in the mean time however the opposition raced up the field to score the winning goal. Kavanagh’s name was synonymous with infamy in Monaghan thereafter.

16.
The Meath Calamity?
Meath v Kerry All-Ireland Semi-Final 1986. Brian Stafford is dispossessed out the field. Ogie Moran drills a hopeful ball forward. Mick Lyons, Joe Cassells and Mickey McQuillan all decide to go for the one ball. Roguishly Lyons tries to push Ger Power (Kerry) out of the way, but collides with the advancing McQuillan while Cassells is tripped by Lyons outstretched leg. The ball bounces helpfully into Power’s path and the resultant goal decides the course of the encounter.

17.
Why Paddy Cullen Has Such A Good Sense Of Humour!
Dublin leads Kerry (1978). Cullen advances off his line to deal with an easy clearance. He collects and fists to Robbie Kelleher but brushes off Kerry’s Ger Power on his way back to the house. Kildare ref Seamus Aldridge blows for a free. The gentleman he is Kelleher hands the ball to Mikey Sheehy while Cullen argues with Aldridge. A realization hits Cullen. The Dublin publican later described that he could ‘see in his face what he was going to do.’ But perhaps Con Houlihan made a better description: ‘Cullen raced back to the goal not unlike a woman who could smell something burning in her oven.’ Kerry went on to win by seventeen points.

18.
Ken Hogan’s Boob.
The 1993 All-Ireland Semi-Final, Tipp v Galway. Although only trailing by two points the Connacht men were making little headway and as Michael McGrath lobbed a hopeful ball forward, which would drop short, Ger Canning was already bored. The current Tipp manager Ken Hogan must have taken pity on the tribesmen. The weak looping effort bounced in front of the Lorrha man and instead of coming off his chest and down to his hurl as intended it struck him on the shoulder and trickled home. Galway won.

19.
Anyone Seen Sam?
In 1959 Kerry won their 19th All-Ireland, and the great Mick O’Connell must have been bored with the whole affair. After hammering Galway that September day O’Connell as captain was responsible for Sam Maguire but left it in the dressing room. O’Connell had been married the previous day and perhaps there was something else on his mind. Sam rested among the kit bags for a few hours before someone asked about its whereabouts.

20.
Get Me To The Match On Time!
The Longford footballers had their patience well and truly tested in 2001. Forty minutes before their big day out against Dublin in Croke Park there was no sign of the team bus. Luckily they thumbed a lift off the Na Fianna Camogie team. When they arrived at Croker, kit on shoulders, security asked them some harsh questions. Bizarrely a mere six days later in the qualifier series against Wicklow they were again stranded. At the team hotel the panel waited out front while the bus waited out back. Again they lost.

Notable absentees would include the Effin Eddie phenomenon, Paul Donnelly throwing James McCartan’s boot into the crowd during an Ulster Championship clash, and a referee finding himself in the boot of a car after a contentious Wicklow club football match.

Longford County Jokes

Letter from a Longford kid to Mum and Dad.

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the
Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army
quick before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed
until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make
your bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no
calves to feed, no feed to stack---nothing.

Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to
see what ya doing. Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no
fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that
time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march',
just like walking to the well in the meadow.

This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter. I keep getting medals for
shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody bull's head and it
doesn't move and its not firing back at you like the Murphys did when our
bull got their cow pregnant before the Granard show. All you gotta do
is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't
even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and you don't have to
steady yourself against the rollbar of the tractor when you reload.

Then you gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz
they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the
other local fellas all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from Dublin - he's 6
foot 8 and 120 kilos and I'm 5 foot six and 65 kilos, but I fought to the
end. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word
gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Christine.

-----
Get Me To The Match On Time!The Longford footballers had their patience well and truly tested in 2001. Forty minutes before their big day out against Dublin in Croke Park there was no sign of the team bus. Luckily they thumbed a lift off the Na Fianna Camogie team. When they arrived at Croker, kit on shoulders, security asked them some harsh questions. Bizarrely a mere six days later in the qualifier series against Wicklow they were again stranded. At the team hotel the panel waited out front while the bus waited out back. Again they lost.

Lonely Planets description of Hurling!

This is the Lonely Planets description of Hurling!


Hurling, Ireland
Hurling isn't what the Irish do when they've had too much Guinness (well, not always). It's actually a mad kind of aerial hockey invented to make the English feel embarrassed about tiggy-touchwood soccer. If you haven't had the twisted pleasure of seeing this example of man's inhumanity to man, head to the Emerald Isle - but keep your head down. This 15-century-old activity pulls no punches.

A hurling match is perhaps the fastest spectator sport in the world (with only ice hockey matching it for up-close frenzy). From a distance it resembles a roaming pack-fight between men with thin pale legs and names like Liam and Sean. At ground level it's much more frightening, a kind of 15-a-side escape from the asylum. Hurling is rapid, breakneck and rambunctious. The game moves too fast for the novice to understand anything but the most basic rules, but you can start by imagining an egg-and-spoon race with a pack of enormous angry stick-wielding roosters charging the leader. The aim is to hurtle a pellet-hard ball called a sliotar into goals using a stick with a paddle at its end (hurley). The players balance the sliotar on their hurley and then run, hit or bounce it forward, sometimes with all limbs attached.

It's when the ball falls loose into a pack that the bravery (or
stupidity) of the combatants becomes clear. The running game becomes like a stationery game of no-rules hockey as players run in swinging their hurleys in the manner of a lumberjack on speed. Whacks to the shins are common, as is the occasional broken hand as some poor soul actually tries to pick the sliotar up out of this chaos.

The best place to see hurling is the atmospheric Croke Park in Dublin.
It's the home of the GAA - hurling's governing body - and the Scene of high-attendance finals matches. For those with an interest in the game's long history, Croke Park also hosts a high-tech museum. Of course, with the Irish being such great travelers, there's probably a game going on near you this weekend too.

Golf V Hurling

When I see lads swinging sideline cuts over the bar I always think of millionaire professional golfers wigglin and jigglin and holdin their heads still and addressing the ball and all that malarkey while some lad holds up a big sign sayin "Silence" in case anybody would talk and put him off and how many times do they hook it into a river or something?

A man like Adrian Fenlon can just take a race at it with a lump of an ash plant and thousands of mad ho*rs screamin at him and he lamps it between the posts well over 50 yards away, no bother and he's not holdin out his hand for a big cheque for it.

That reminds me of the story about the big golf tournament that was on the telly when Tiger or someone had a 30 foot putt to win the thing. He sank it and the place went wild. Some fella turned to the GAA fan beside him to say 'wasn't that amazing' and the response came - 'tis aisy enough when dere's no wan markin' yew'."

Where else would you get it?

Wexford County Jokes

"We've won one All-Ireland in a row" -- Wexford Fan in 1996.

Cavan County Jokes

(Cavan people will have heard this before)
It was a Cavan league game a few years ago. Cathal Collins was making his debut for the Blues. A well-known Cavan supporter when asked his opinion on the debutant was heard to say on the way out the gate, "Bejaysus, they shot the wrong fuckin Collins"
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'They have a forward line that couldn't punch holes in a paper bag' -- Pat Spillane on the Cavan football team

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I shot a Cavan Cow

I do not know what the hell they are doing up in Cavan.. but mistaking a cow for a fox or rabbit is unforgivable. Its not as if they were city folk (as they dont even ahve downs in Cavan) so its must have been a druken mistake. Anyway its a laugh.


Click on the picture to see it in its original size

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A Monaghan Footballer (no not a woman!), a meath Footballer and a Cavan Footballer (obviously played in the 50's!) were out fishing on Lough Sheelin one day when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in their boat.

The boys were gob-smacked! "Jaysus" was all they could say in dumb harmony!

The monaghan man said humbly (Yeah right!) "Jesus, me back's been at me ever since I played U16 football against Meath many moons ago. Can you do anything for me? Jesus touched his back and he was relieved of the pain for the first time in 44 years.

The Meath man, sporting a pair of thick black rimmed glases with milk-bottle-end lens, "I haven't seen the stout in front of me since I got a hit in the 1965 under-21 championship match against Dublin. What can you do for me." Jesus gently removed the antique glasses and flung them into the lake and immediately the Meath man could see as far as the Tower of Lloyd in Kells.

Jesus then turned to the Cavan man who leapt to the back of the boat and cried "Don't put a finger on me - I'm on a disability pension!"

Laois County Jokes

I mentioned this a year ago or so about a barrell of a man who was very much involved in Laois GAA and at a junior football match in Abbeyleix one noight he went on just to make up numbers, remember seeing the jersey pulled on and playing with the socks around the trousers and someone elses boots? Anyway he was running around but the low stature was telling and one of the lads shouted at him, "For Fcuks sake Sabu (his nick name) will you go up for the ball to which the reply was "sure I'm not a fcuking eejit, won't it come down to me"

Another one was when a player at a hurling match went to handpass the ball out to one of his half-backs and the opposing forward nipped in and stuck it in the net. The shout from the line went "For Jaysus sake, why don't you try and pass it to one of your own?" to which the player responded "Oh, we have a fucking comedian in the crowd" only to be told "We don't need a comedian in the crowd there are fifteen you ye out there!

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Laois Minors getting very hot and bothered

Offaly County Jokes

Eugene McGee: Well, what happened
Offaly player late for training: Oh, the wheel fell off my mobile home.
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Some of ye may know the announcer in Tullamore a few years ago (Not sure if he's there now) but at the County final a few years ago just after the band played the National song and all that they were heading off the pitch. So the tension is begining to rise witht he crowd getting a bit vocal and the announcer comes on the speaker, all ready yo get into action, and says "For God sake will the band ever get off the pitch the games about to start".

Same lad another day during a National league game at a similar time but this time not as into the game comes on and says "Ref, Ref hold the game there for a second, the ladies toilets are down here on the right etc". Priceless when yer there and that lad comes on.
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Sheep in a heap' -- Babs Keating description of Offaly in 1998

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'We're taking this match awful seriously. We're training three times a week now, and some of the boys are off the beer since Tuesday' - Offaly hurler quote in the week before a Leinster hurling final vs. Kilkenny

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Lovely enigma that is Offaly.
By Tom Humphries

This is a funny business. In theory, there is no cheering in the press box, but things colour your prose some colour other than purple. Some teams you detest. Some teams you respect. Some teams you develop such a big soft spot for that it makes your keyboard go mushy if you aren't careful.

Every journalist I know likes the Offaly hurlers. If you've a romantic bone in your body you'd have to. Take yesterday. Fed up to the gills with Babs Keating pulling across their shins with his accusation that they have nothing filling their jerseys number eight to 15, they go out and make an ape of Babs by demonstrating they'd nothing from numbers one to eight. Only Offaly would have the sense of humour to do it.

It was an Offaly hurler, indeed, who told me in response to a question once that, yes indeed, he had come from a GAA-orientated family: he had an uncle who played for Galway. And what was his name, I asked. Pen poised. Uncle Frank he said.

I think it's because things in Offaly are so dishevelled that we like them. We've had All-Ireland press nights down there where the players have wandered out onto the field like 15 black sheep, taken a look around and ambled back in again. There's never a press ban or a shortage of good talkers; it's just a question of finding the lads in the right mood.

In the era when the fitness Nazis run hurling, Offaly is the only county where an exasperated player will grab you by the lapel and say, listen, we've been training two nights a week for this and some of the lads are off the drink since Tuesday.

It was a strange experience watching them be dismantled by a Kilkenny team which seemed to grow an inch taller with every ball that hit the net yesterday. Offaly are a team with no medium setting. They either run full throttle or they don't run at all. Yesterday they didn't really run at all, but their crowd in the sun-kissed stand were hoping till well into the second half that somebody somewhere would flick a switch.

Nobody did, and in the last five minutes the Offaly people got the message and decided to make the best of it and leave early to beat the traffic. The old hatreds that consume other teams wash over this Offaly side. Most teams are at their best when it's payback time. Offaly are at their best when they feel like it.

Yesterday's second half had little spells of listlessness which allowed the mind to wander. Looking across at Hill 16 it scarcely seemed 19 years since I stood there with my best friend watching Offaly win their first Leinster title in a mostly empty stadium.

We had just done the Leaving Cert and were waiting for the results to detonate our lives. My mate had captained the school hurling team to a Dublin championship not many weeks previously, and I remember him looking across as Offaly got the cup and wondering what it must be like to end a famine like that.

That was the end of schooldays and pretty much the end of going to matches together. The hurling world changed pretty much as drastically as our own after that. I can remember myself and same mate blagging our way into the Cork dressingroom after the 1977 All-Ireland and executing a pincer movement on Jimmy Barry-Murphy in order to beg, steal or borrow one of his hurls from him.

I'm not sure how much dumb gall it took to climb through the barbed wire which fenced off the terraces and get into the Cork dressing-room, but on my part at least the charm offensive on JBM was slightly hypocritical. He was a superstar whose eminence raised him above the business of county affiliations, which was lucky because I had come to Croke Park as an ardent Wexford fan that day. If JBM had just yielded his hurl or his jersey I would have gone home happy in the knowledge that I had the souvenir of an icon and that Wexford would be back.

It was that sort of perspicacity which cut me out for my present profession.

After Offaly shook the world three years later – or the 9,500 or so of its population who bothered to turn up – my mate and I went home like satisfied young men who had seen something freaky at the circus and never expected to see such a thing again. But Offaly never stopped coming back, and the eight Leinster championships they have filched since that day put an end to the notion of there being a big two in Leinster.

You could have taken us for a fair few shillings that afternoon if you told us that Offaly and Kilkenny would be meeting in the last Leinster final of the millennium, as All-Ireland champions playing Leinster champions, and we wouldn't see Wexford win another Leinster title until 1996.

By then I'd come to respect the unlikely sophistication of Offaly civilisation. I lived two years in Ranelagh in a flat below three Offaly men, and I remember the night of the 1985 All-Ireland final as being full of brutal reminders about how highly evolved society was in Offaly and how Neanderthal we Dubs were. The point was amplified by the means of a drunken puc about on the middle of Beechwood Avenue. Great men.

It seems fitting – if baffling for Darwinians – that out of the hard-working, mullocking team of the 1980s that Offaly should have bred the lithe wonders who populate the present team. On the days when they feel like playing there is no team in the country like them. Picking those days is like winning money against a three-card trickster.

Last summer I found myself in Johnny Pilkington's office just outside Birr listening to him yarning on about hurling and its Offaly hinterland. Pilkington should have his own radio programme; he's one of those characters you could listen to all day.

Anyway, I had it in my head to explore the issue of the Offaly team's cordial relationship with the demon drink. In the era of fitness fanaticism, Offaly have a nuanced standpoint on this business. Johnny has thoughts on this matter which should give dieticians bad hangovers. In short, he feels that he plays an amateur game and there are some things he'll sacrifice for that and sometimes a couple of pints might be one of those things and sometimes not.

Ain't nobody's business but Johnny's, of course, but that doesn't make good copy, so I pressed him until eventually he asked, not unreasonably, if the piece was going to be more about my attitude to drink than his. And I apologised and said sure the theme on fitness etc had gone off the rails and Johnny sat back, waved his hand and said no, not at all, don't worry. And with a little grin he lit up a fag in the afternoon sun.

Yesterday was a little jolt for Offaly, but the dressing room was open for callers as usual and the chit chat was about what was further down the road.

Maybe they'd ride their luck and get Antrim in the quarter-final. And lo, it came to pass.

Jaysus, you'd have to like the hoors.


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Offfaly Hurlers

Taken during 2006

Notice the ibred similarity .........




Click on the picture to see it in its original size

Sligo County Jokes

Paddy McCormack (digging a hole along the ground with his boot): You're young Kearins, from Sligo. I presume you expect to go back to Sligo this evening. Mickey Kearins: Hopefully.
McCormack: Well, if you don't pass the mark, you have a fair chance of getting back.

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He wouldn't see a foul in a henhouse. Frustrated Sligo fan's judgement of the ref after the 2002 Connacht final.

There are two things in Ireland that would drive you to drink. GAA referees would drive you to drink and the price of drink would drive you to drink. Another Sligo fan at the same match.

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At a Roscommon-Sligo FBD game a couple of years ago the ref was about to throw in. Realising there was no football in the middle of the pitch he shouted over to the Sligo dugout 'Sligo..Sligo..a football' to which came the roar 'Ara ref..sure everyone knows there's no football in Sligo'


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Micheal O Muircheartaigh Masterpieces

"I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner street this morning and the omens seem to be good for them, the priest was wearing the same colours as the Sligo jersey! 40 yards out on the Hogan stand side of the field Ciaran Whelan goes on a rampage, its a goal. So much for religion."

Tyrone County Jokes

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Red card mayhem sparks GAA probe
ADVERTISEMENT

Martin

Breheny

GAA chiefs woke up with another violent headache today.

Dublin and All-Ireland champs Tyrone are likely to face a major disciplinary probe after the serious outbreaks of violence that marred the National Football League tie in Omagh against Dublin on the 5th of february 2006.

Four players - two from each side - were sent off while nine others were booked in a game that spun out of control. Tyrone midfielder Colin Holmes was dismissed but referee Paddy Russell later sent off Tyrone's Stephen O'Neill and Dublin's Denis Bastic. The ugly atmosphere prevailed all the way to the finish of a match Dublin won by 1-9 to 1-6.

"God Almighty couldn't have refereed that game," said Tyrone manager Mickey Harte

Pictures from that match here

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I warned the boys they couldn't go through the league unbeaten, and, unfortunately, they appear to have listened to me! - Tyrone's Art McRory after losing a league match.

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My Dad told me you were the man that lost the All-Ireland for Tyrone! -Young fan to Iggy Jones.

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Tyrone need to link Sam to proud past.
By Keith Duggan
September 27th 2003


It was a Co Tyrone man, William Gentles, a private stationed at Fort Robinson in Nebraska, who was officially listed as having slain the most revered of all the Native Americans, Crazy Horse.

This was in 1877, when the US army had all but succeeded in fencing off swathes of the prairie lands from the Plains Indians so that even the most independent of chiefs, like Crazy Horse, had brokenly agreed to live out their days on the army-controlled agencies.

The Oglala Sioux leader was coaxed into Fort Robinson on the promise of holding a meeting with the general in charge there, Luther Bradley, but once inside, he was escorted to a guard house, his first and only time in a confined room.

Pandemonium followed; the Indian panicked and tried to slash his way out with a knife he had secreted under his blanket, hundreds of Agency Indians had gathered outside the jail, a Captain Kennington screamed orders to strike the prisoner down and Crazy Horse was bayoneted, falling backwards with the words, "He has killed me now."

It was hardly Gentles's fault. The presence of Crazy Horse, even in life a mythical figure who routed Custer's Seventh Cavalry at the Battle of the Little Bighorn a summer earlier, meant that what would have been a routine escort became a highly-charged incident.

Today, a simple plaque marks the point where the Sioux legend fell. Fort Robinson is a state park now and in winter is bleak and sparse country. A couple of years ago I stood at the plaque on a midweek afternoon and it was impossible to have ever imagined such commotion having taken place against a landscape where nothing seemed to move.

Even in this cyber age that corner of Nebraska feels achingly lonely. So how utterly removed from home, from his memory of Tyrone, it must have been for William Gentles, whose name would have gone unrecorded by history but for his posting that day.

A year after Crazy Horse fell, Gentles died of asthma at the age of 48 and possibly because of that, he was conveniently identified as the key man in the messy circumstances. Yet he must have had a spirit of adventure close to that of Crazy Horse, this William Gentles, to have made the crossing from his village in Tyrone to end his days during an American frontier period so loud and colourful and often terrible that it simply cannot be exaggerated.

Of course, Tyrone folk were no strangers to making imaginative and physical leaps across the big pond. Thomas Mellon left the county to make his fortune in the US and his son Andrew was one of the key figures behind the Golden Gate Bridge. Ulysses S Grant, leader of the Union army in the Civil War and the 18th president of the USA, visited the ancestral home of his grandfather John Simpson in Ballygawley in 1878. The homestead still stands outside Omagh.

Woodrow Wilson, president of the US during the first World War was also acutely aware of his Tyrone lineage; his grandfather had been a printer in Strabane. And it was a Tyrone man, John Dunlap, who officially printed the first draft of the Declaration of Independence.

Not that we have to point in far-flung directions in order to stumble on auspicious Tyrone men; this newspaper's title has become synonymous with the Myles Na Gopaleen column that first appeared in the 1940s, which were of course the work of Strabane's Flann O'Brien.

There are countless more examples of Tyrone spirit and bravery and industry. And yet has there ever existed such a sense of self in the county as prevails this weekend? Has Tyrone ever felt so special, so alive? For all its famous and charismatic forefathers, nothing will complete Tyrone's sense of self as much as an All-Ireland senior football title.

That mad and beautiful fact is a reflection on the championship as much as the county. In the past five years, the All-Ireland football championship has become a beast, an epic, congested sporting contest spanning five months and consistently drawing crowds matching anything in Europe.

What makes it so wonderful is that it has no sense of its own scale, no respect for boundaries or population. It simply should not be enticing the numbers it does week in, week out.

I think there is a great symmetry in the fact that the bigger and bolder it gets, the more parochial it becomes. Armagh against Tyrone is as local as a row over a girl outside a chipper.

The initial scepticism about a pairing that was openly labelled the "Final from Hell" earlier this summer has ebbed and the country at large has slowly become intrigued when neighbouring counties famed for their squabbles in the hothouse of Clones get the big stage all to themselves.

This will be the third time in as many decades that Tyrone will attempt to solder a link between itself and the Sam Maguire. Although 1995 will be remembered for the doomed virtuoso attempts of Peter Canavan, it is Tyrone's 1986 final against Kerry that captured the imagination.

That game and Tyrone's presence in it mattered to all of the Ulster counties and, one imagines to virtually all of Connacht as well. Daring to take on Kerry back then was like walking a tightrope without a safety net. Reality seemed suspended during that first half when Tyrone - a team that was lean and, given the drizzle that fell continuously over Ireland from 1981-87, inexplicably tanned - ran at a great, if aged, Kerry team with a pure and cavalier spirit. (Incidentally, Crazy Horse was perhaps the only great Native American never photographed, as he believed the camera flash imprisoned the soul. He believed the spirit was incarnate and that he would return in other guises. It seems abundantly clear now that the dude ultimately came back as Plunkett Donaghy).

Such was the steep Southern tilt of the All-Ireland football championship then - it was as if a magnetic force prevented the cup from venturing any further north than Dublin - that Tyrone's valiant push challenged the accepted order.

And, of course, the accepted order prevailed and Tyrone's disintegration during the second half made the possibility of an Ulster breakthrough more remote than ever.

Now, of course, Ulster has busted out for good. Ulster will fight and Ulster will be right. The particulars of tomorrow's final could not be more loaded or potentially sweet for Tyrone. A victory means that not only do they at last pass through the gates of GAA heaven, they get to deny their neighbours on the way through.

Smiling through gritted teeth as Armagh enjoyed the unsurpassable elation of a first All-Ireland was one thing. Having to share the same field and ground on the day they may capture their second would be a new low entirely. So the scene is set for a county with many famous sons to take its place among football's elite.

Lore has it that after the Battle of the Little Bighorn, one of the Sioux observed that the fight lasted "about as long as it takes a hungry man to eat his dinner".

Tomorrow, it may take a little longer.


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Peter The Great



Click on the picture to see it in its original size

Derry County Jokes

We're taking you off but we're not bothering to put on a sub. Just having you off will improve our situation. - Manager to a club player in Derry.

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Hurry up and make a decision, ref. I have to go home to bale the hay! The late Michael Young during a club game in Derry as the ref dithered about whether to award a penalty.

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When Joe Brolly is winning, he's objectionable. When he's blowing kisses, he's highly objectionable. - Cavan fan


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A Day in the life of a Kerry pundit on RTE

Another Monday, another cheque in the back pocket from RTE thanks to my witty, outrageous and controversial 'Monday Feedback' corner on the Monday Game. The moneys good but it would want to be - dragging me up to this shitheap everyweek away from my beautiful Kingdom. On the upside though, I was backstage in 'makeup' this evening, when who should walk in but Sharon Ni Bheoilan,the chick from the News. I wouldn't mind goingup for a 50/50 ball with her-if you catch my meaning. I think I'll give her a signed copy of my excellent autobiography -that usually has the babes begging for some Kingdom-Love. I don't know why I have to go into makeup anyway,they usually sit me beside those gobshites O'Rourke and Lyster in the studio - sure no makeup could clean those two cunts up -especially O'Rourke, the fuckwit looks like some horrible genetic experiment gone wrong.I read through my emails, phonecalls and letters - you know I don't like Clare fuckers but that psycho Loughnane made one good point in his life - its only nutters that bother ringing into these programs -they should get a life - in fact I think I'll bring that into my rant this evening. Joe Brolly is the other guest tonight, the nordy cunt. Thinks he's as outspoken as me, what the fuck would he know - with only one All-Ireland tohis name. Lyster, that smarmy bollix seems to like him though -I don't trust that fucker. Apparently Brolly is a barrister, what kind of nordy Catholic is a barrister? an orange one, I'd say. He'll take some watching.

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At at Reserve game in county Derry one team who had only the bars fifteen trotted off at the break getting pretty badly beaten and Johnny at full forward was having a nighmare...here is part of the have time talk.

Manager - Johnny, your coming off

Johnny - but we only have the bare 15.

[short pause]

Manager - come on off anyway

Armagh County Jokes

That's the first time I've seen anybody limping off with a sore finger! Armagh's Gene Morgan to 'injured' teammate Pat Campbell.

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I cant find any Armagh GAA Jokes
An old man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes. So he wrote to his son about his predicament. The son sent the reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried the guns!!!!!" At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what he should do now? The son sent the reply: "NOW plant the potatoes!"

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New casino opening in Crossmaglen called Oisins Eleven.

Fermanagh County Jokes

Fermanagh has such a small playing base. Half the county is made up of water and half of the remaining half are Protestants. - Fermanagh fan bemoans the paucity of talent.

Clare County Jokes

THE LEGEND Matthew McMahon, Clare FM MATTHEW McMAHON began the cult. It was McMahon's verbal antics during Clare's All-Ireland winning year of 1995 which propelled him and his profession into the limelight. Nine years on and some of the phrases still call neck hairs to attention. "It's all over ... Clare are ... Jeeeesus!!" - the Mills man exploded after the Munster final win.

Better was to come for both the county and the commentator on All-Ireland final day at Croke Park. "The cigarettes are being lit here in the commentary box. The lads are getting anxious. It's a line ball down there to Clare and who is to take it? ... Will ye put 'em out lads! Ye'll choke me." The voice is still kept busy - working weekends with Clare FM while selling cattle through the week for marts across the Banner county.

"Oh yeah, people still remember me covering the '95 campaign," he laughs. "I am told it will be on my headstone!"

McMahon had been spotted five years earlier during his day job by Marty Morrissey, who was then working for Clare FM. His first game was, ironically, a county football final and his fondest early memories of the job are all related to the big ball.

"I went to Croke Park for a ladies' All-Ireland final in the early 1990s and it was like going to Mars. It was just such a strange experience to be commentating on a Clare team winning an All-Ireland final in this huge stadium. Then, of course, there was 1992 and the Munster final win over Kerry. In Clare, we had always hoped that the hurlers would come good but there was never such hope for the footballers.

"But to win and to be Kerry doing so ... and they came very, very close to winning that semi-final."

But it was hurling, not football, where McMahon felt most at home. A lifelong supporter, he brought all such emotional baggage to listeners around the world. That was crucial.

"Nothing would equal winning the Munster final for the first time in 1995. I had followed Clare since 1967. I was going to all those Munster championship games as a Clare hurling supporter and I remember the pain and the hurt and the disappointment.

"I love the game and those who play the game. Then I found myself lucky enough to have a microphone in front of me. So I think I was voicing the emotions of each and every Clare supporter who had endured all those years of hardship."

But he is not without his critics. Water off a duck's back to McMahon.

"I have been criticised for saying 'I call it as I see it' - but that is what I am doing. You cannot please all of the people all of the time and if you try to, you are sunk. If they weren't giving out about me, they would be giving about someone else. The biggest criticism I get is for not giving the score often enough. Funnily enough, I had someone complain about that after the Munster club hurling game between Kilmaley and Mount Sion, which the Waterford champions won well. "But then he said: 'I knew by the sound of you that it wasn't good.'" And maybe that is the mark of a great commentator.
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"I'm not giving away any secrets like that to Tipperary. If I had my way, I wouldn't even tell them the time of the throw-in" -- Ger Loughnane.

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'Ger Loughnane was fair, he treated us all the same during training-like dogs' - anonymous Clare hurler

'Any chance of an autograph? Its for the wife...she really hates you' - Tipp fan to Ger Loughnane

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'And as for you. You're not even good enough to play for this shower of useless no-hopers' --Former Clare mentor to one of his subs after a heavy defeat

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The Banner Files - a case for Mulder and Scully?
You think it all started last year when they couldn't beat us in hurling -
priests, councils, Presidents, media and 31 counties all against us? Just the
tip of the iceberg. This has been going on for centuries. Ever since Brian Boru,
took on the Vikings at Clontarf. Yes Brian, the first legend of the Dalcassians, fought
valiantly and bravely for his beloved country.

Mysteriously, but not if you're from Clare, he was allowed to be killed
just as the battle was been won. The first attempt by a vast conspiracy to
get Clare and its people. This vast anti Clare conspiracy has been going on for
ages. Throughout the struggle for Irish freedom, there were great rebellions stretching
from Tir Chonaill to Wexford and Kinsale to Dublin.

No-one ever bothered to ask Clare. We had our own and we did fine, winning
an historic election in 1917, in East Clare,(you know who's country - GL).
De Valera came along (elected in Clare), and did great, but again this anti-Clare
conspiracy saw fit to blame him for this and that.

And so the years passed by and the hurlers of Clare came to bear the brunt
of this conspiracy. Everything was done to beat us. They made us play the great
powers every year. If we beat Cork then we had to play Tipperary. They often
shared players, to try and beat us. And when we beat both like in '55, the
conspirators made it rain and upset our game plan, against Limerick.

What did Mackey say to Ring in that famous photo - "Anti-Clare conspiracy
meeting in Thurles tonight". And then we produced that wonderful team in the
seventies. About to beat Cork and the conspirators went and sent off our full back
for nothing. And again, the year after when they conspired to move the goal
posts every time our forwards tried to score.

A total set up. The 1980s saw someone make a big hole in the ground, just
as one of our forwards was about to score a winning goal. (You had to be there).
And when finally our footballers reached the promised land in 1992, the anti Clare
conspiracy contrived to have a perfect goal disallowed.

And why did Nicky laugh in '93? Because he knew about the anti-Clare
conspiracy, when none of us did. But we beat them all in '95 and '97,
the conspiracy got Ollie in '96 in order to open up the middle of the
Gaelic Grounds for Ciaran to run through.

And then '98. A new conspiracy committee was established. And you see what
they did? Everything.

-Only video evidence to be used against Clare.
-If they're winning near the end, stop the game.
(Did you know that certain fans had a secret drill on a Thursday about invading a pitch).
-Ban their best players for doing nothing.
-Make them so tired that they can't play.
-Stop their managers from talking to the players.

Well roll on '99. Don't be surprised if you see a NATO plane bomb Shannon
(by complete accident) just as the Clare team are about to embark on another
glorious voyage. Yes, they're in it too, as are the UN, the Iraqi's (won't buy our
beef) and even the Russians............this is only the tip of the iceberg
regarding the anti-Clare conspiracy.

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The Day I Met Ger Loughnane.
I have to say that I was surprised when I actually met the man yesterday at my local petrol station. I really thought he would be as obnoxious as I have always expected him to be. But he wasn't. I have to say that I found him most charming, erudite and well-spoken, almost modest in his ways, I would suggest.

We talked hurling for about half an hour as he filled his car with petrol. He said he was looking forward to the replay on Monday and that he felt Offaly and Clare would once again be fighting it out for the McCarthy cup. I asked him what he thought of Kilkenny’s challenge and he said they might struggle with a poor backline.

But how did he feel about last years controversial championship? I really wanted to know.

"I'm really really proud of this Clare hurling team," he said in that thick Clare accent of his. "It's was all the fault of those 3 priests, Waterford and the Munster Council."

So did he think Colin Lynch and co. were a little over the top at times?

"Are you looking at my wife?" he asked, suddenly fired with anger.

No, I told him, wanting to talk hurling.

Then he started swinging his fists and falling over. "Yah bbb-b- bastard!" he screamed. "Come on! I'll f-f-f-fucking kill the f-ff- fucking lot of yee, yez basssturdz. Lookin at my wife, ye dirty f-f- fucking basturd."

I suggested that perhaps he had had a little too much to drink at lunchtime.

"Drink?! Drink, is it? I will tell you this, boy. Yer f-ffucking bollix. F-f-f-ffuck offf!!"

I grabbed hold of him and tried to stop him driving away as he was clearly incapable. "You're not safe to be behind the wheel," I suggested.

"F-f-ffuck you, you f-f-ffucker! I drive b-b-better when I've hic! hic! when I've had stout. Nah f-ffuck off b-b-before I deck ya."

Then he threw up all over a patio set in front of the garage.

"Bleeeuurrgghhh! Get out and walk, ye bastard!" he cried. "F-f-ffucking chips and curry. Where am I? Ugghhh! I've pissed in me pants again."

And as the police came and ushered him into his car, sending him on his way home without even breathalysing him, I thought to myself: What a nice man.

I did hear later that he ploughed into a bus stop full of kids on their way home from a school trip, and that the survivors are being prosecuted for damaging the front wing of the great man’s car.

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Time to Stop

There was a time when Clare were getting a bit arrogrant and de Paper in cork (examiner) got letters in to say Clare were no great shakes. This is one of them.


Click on the picture to see it in its original size

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Diseased Dog...
A fanatical Clare supporter was walking his scabby little mangy diseased dog on the Monday after the defeat by Waterford. As he strolled along the beach full of despondancy, he saw a bottle which was quite unusual lying on the strand. He poked the bottle with his toe and low and behold out pops a genie.
'Your wish is my command,' said the Genie.
Startled, the Clare fan said, 'I wish this scabby little mangy diseased dog of mine be turned into a greyhound that would win The Laurels and The Derby.'
The genie took one look at the mangy little mongrel that was on its last legs and shakes his head, saying, 'That would be very difficult. Is there any other wish you have?'
The Clare supporter thought and his eyes lit up for an instant... 'I wish that Clare will win another 'All-Ireland' in the near future!!!'
The genie looked a bit taken aback for an instant. He then rubbed his beard and said...
'Would you ever give me a second look at that dog?'