Killinaskuly and Bally

... the 1966 Under 12 Final between Killinaskuly and Bally. A few overage players swayed the day! From Episode 2 of Season 2...

GAA and Heaven

Two 90 year old men, Pat and Tom, have been friends all of their
lives. When it`s clear that Pat is dying, Tom visits him every
day. One day Pat says, "Tom, we both loved Hurling all our
lives, and we played through all the ranks, right up from U-12
together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you
get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there`s Hurling
played up there." Pat looks up at Tom from his death bed, "Tom,
you`ve been my best friend for many years. If it`s at all
possible, I`ll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Pat passes on. At midnight a couple of
nights later, Tom is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding
flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Tom__Tom."
"Who is it?" asks Tom sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Tom__it`s me, Pat." "You`re not Pat. Pat just died." "I`m
telling you, it`s me, Pat," insists the voice. "Pat! Where are
you?" "In heaven", replies Pat. "I have some really good news
and a little bad news. "Tell me the good news first," says Tom.
"The good news," Pat says, "Is that there`s Hurling in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here,
too. Better than that, we`re all young again. Better still,
it`s always spring time and it never rains or snows, so there`s
no need for a defunct fixtures committee to mess things up. And
best of all, we can play Hurling all we want, and we never get
tired..." "That`s fantastic," says Tom. "It`s beyond my wildest
dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You`re
starting corner-forward on Tuesday evening."

Players clubbing together to make up a team

Players clubbing together to make up a team

AGAINST THE BREEZE By Paddy Heaney

Remember the cloth caps, crazy women and club mascots. These characters were presented in the results of a survey examining the personality of club supporters. A number of readers have since queried if similar research has been conducted with regard to club footballers. By a great coincidence, the findings of a detailed analysis of our club footballers has just been completed, and some of the results are published in this week's column.

- Physio's Friend: Four words can sum up the playing career of a typical physio's friend and they are: 'lame for every game'. Pulled hamstrings, severed ligaments, sore groins, you name it, and he has had it. - Physiotherapists dream about getting one of these players on their client list. He is the ideal customer. Once a physio's friend has signed up, all financial worries can be forgotten. With a guaranteed two trips a week, for injuries, either real or imagined, the sick one will pay bills, mortgages and put children through university.

- The Male Model: It's easy to spot the male model at training sessions. He's the player wearing the Cork jersey on Monday, Meath on Wednesday and Dublin on Friday. Not only will he have the jersey, he'll also have the accompanying shorts and socks. Male Models normally sport a healthy tan for about six months of the year. He is the one player in the changing room guaranteed to bring hair gel, shampoo and deodorant. After his liberal application of deodorant, he can be difficult to see as he will be enveloped in a cloud of sweet smelling mist. The Male Model despises the fact that he must share his toiletries every week with some spongers. However, he realises it is a necessary evil if he is to leave the changing room looking and smelling his very best. -

County Star (Club Hero): He is the heartbeat of the team. This man sends himself to sleep at night by counting O'Neill's footballs floating over a crossbar. Despite huge commitments to the county panel, he will be a regular attender at club training sessions. The Club Hero is highly valued, primarily for his talent, but also for the example he provides other players. Club heroes watch what they eat, go easy on the drink and refrain from cigarettes. If they have one weakness, it's women. For some misguided reason they are under the illusion that women are not detrimental to your health.

- County Star (The Invisible Man): This other type of county footballer enjoys a love/hate, though mostly hate, relationship with his club's supporters. They love him when he turns up for matches because he can be the difference between winning and losing a match. They hate him because they think he is a big headed poser, who seeks only personal glory through his county team, while abandoning the very club that taught him how to play the game.

- Hard Ground Specialist: Just as there are race horses that cannot cope with soft ground, so there are footballers who feel ill-suited toearlyseason training. Hard ground specialists consider the dedicated winter trainers to be mere point-to-pointers, whereas they are the genuine flat-race thoroughbred. With the recent good weather, they will havestarted to appear at training sessions throughout the country in their droves

- The Schoolboy: The schoolboy has only one thing in his head: football. Carrying absolutely no weight, the schoolboy runs just for the fun of it. Older players in the team are jealous of schoolboys as they represent their lost youth. Junior football is the traditional sacrificial ground where balding corner-backs regularly obliterate frisky teenagers for no apparent reason. Schoolboys are best advised to stay clear of these ageing veterans if they wish to stay clear of serious injury.

- The Student: The transformation from schoolboy to student is as pronounced as that of the caterpillar to butterfly. Where once he was a schoolboy whose only ambition was to get on the senior team; the student discovers the pleasures of wine, woman and song. Football is put way down the agenda. For the first six months of his fresher year the student will have a silly looking smile permanently attached to his face. A pot belly will start to develop in his midriff. He will give the excuse of either assignments or exams for his continued absence at training, yet there will be repeated sightings of him in Paykos, Club FX, The Western Star, The Wash, The Courthouse, Havana Browns, Mangans; you get the picture. The club hero will try to lecture the student about the error of his ways, but it is hopeless, he will be a lost soul for the next four years. Due to space constraints these are all the players that can be described today.

Other players which could not be included were: Team Talker, Psycho, Mr Excuses, and the Nearly Man. others would include the one more year man .... brought on with ten minutes to go to rapturous roars from the crowd., never won a medal, jersey clinging to the belly, socks up around the bandaged knee. Subject to rushes of blood to the head which guarantee a ball to be ballooned into the stands after a headless thirty yard run driven on by the crowd. the Horse ....... who has no football whatsoever, but is there on pure brute strength alone, and would spend a full training session lining up for a crack at either the Model, the Schoolboy, the Student or the County Star.

Limerick V Kilkenny

All Ireland Hurling Final, Limerick V Kilkenny, Croke Park

Kill-Kenny (double click picture to increase size)

If anyone has any pictures or jokes, send them onto michael (at) gaa.irish-guy.com or leave a comment at the bottom of the page







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All Ireland Hurling Final, Limerick V Kilkenny, Croke Park

Kill-Kenny (double click picture to increase size)

If anyone has any pictures or jokes, send them onto michael (at) gaa.irish-guy.com or leave a comment at the bottom of the page







Click on the picture to see it in its original size

All Ireland Hurling Final, Limerick V Kilkenny, Croke Park

Kill-Kenny (double click picture to increase size)

If anyone has any pictures or jokes, send them onto michael (at) gaa.irish-guy.com or leave a comment at the bottom of the page







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GIFT GRUB...WATERFORD V CORK

GIFT GRUB...WATERFORD V CORK
Press Play Below -
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=RUNJA6RD



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Limerick, your my Lady

Taken from http://www.limerickblogger.org/blog/

The comedic trio that is The Shams! came to notoriety when they first aired their sketches on Radio Limerick One.

Now the station which made them famous is offering the sketches, which were gathered together for their most recent CD “The Attack of Helen Kennedy” on the RLO website.

You can “wrawk” the zip file containing the files which can be downloaded here.

Being sketches on Radio Limerick One, alot of them will have RLO themes to them, however, some are sketches on Limerick itself.

We have been authorised to give a few samplers of what is in store.

Frank Sinatra will be spinning in his grave when he hears this.

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This one will probably get us into trouble, but f**k it

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It’s funny because it’s (more-or-less) true

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Meath feckers ......

Various Multimedia

-------------------------

I upload a few bits and bobs. They are not exactly GAA related but are Irish through and through and are damn funny.

Just RIGHT CLICK and then "Save Link as ...... " Save them to your hard drive. All virus checked.

Limerick Bord Failte - Irish Tourist Board advertisement . Its all about the gangs, the Gardai etc in fair old Limerick.

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GMC - Not tonight A real Cork Rap song.. Lyrics include "Gang of us got to the door last night and the bouncers saw RUNNERS and said 'NOT TONIGHT' so we waited outside for a while.... " Very funny.

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Dutch Gold Kid by Dan Excellnt in the tune of Dido/Emimen




_____
Maastricht GAA Profile
Their website



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Decent Gaelic Football Comp

Whats New

August 2006

Added two new videos to the funny Pics section and added a video to the Down Section

Video added to the Kerry , Laois and Dublin Sections.

June 2006

I added a youtube video of some some Meath fans wearing the jersey with pide.

I added a video of Maurice Fitz from Kerry in action.

I added an adverrt for the All-Stars in the multimedia section.

I added a video from a Armagh V Tyrone fight

April 2006

I added a Babs Keating Quote to the Tipp county Jokes section.

March 2006
On Monday, March 06, 2006 I added three sound files. A Limerick Bord failte Ad (fake, of course). Secondly, there is Dutch Gold Kid, an ode to Roy Keane (Dido/Emimen style) and thirdly a Rap song from GMC - a cork rap outfit about bouncers.

Trouble flares as Dubs beat Tyrone (5th Feb 2006)

National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

5th of febraury 2006

Tempers flared at Healy Park in Omagh during the National League game between Tyrone and Dublin




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

GAA Emotion

Tempers flared at Healy Park and four players were sent-off




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

GAA Emotion

Referee Paddy Russell struggles to control the National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

Tyrone player Collie Holmes is sent-off




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

GAA Emotion


Referee Paddy Russell shows a red card to Tyrone player Collie Holmes during the National League clash with Dublin.




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

GAA Emotion

Dublin's Alan Brogan clashes with Michael McGee. Dublin's Alan Brogan clashes with Michael McGee of Tyrone (left) after being sent-off




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

GAA Emotion

Dublin's David Henry and Nial O Se go head-to-head with Tyrone's Kevin Hughes and Stephen O'Neill




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

GAA Emotion


2005 footballer of the year Tyrone's Stephen O'Neill receives his marching orders from referee Paddy Russell.




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

GAA Emotion

Tyrone goalkeeper Pascal McConnell gets to grips with Dublin player Derek Murray.




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National League match between Tyrone and Dublin

05/02/2006


Referee Paddy Russell is escorted from the Healy Park pitch after stormy league game between Tyrone and Dublin




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Sports Pictures of 2005

All Ireland SFC final, Tyrone V Kerry, Croke park

GAA Emotion

Brendan Moran (sportsfile, Dublin) took this picture. He says "generally at the final whistle one picture you want is the manager celebrating or reacting. What happened this year, with the crowd running on, the gardai and stewards making a cordon, and that makes it quite physical around that area.

I came up the sideline - we're allowed up a certain distance along the line - and Mickey Harte was 20 feet away. I was quite near him but there were cameras and other photographers around - there ws jostling, but it was good natured.

Mickey did a TV interview, his daughter came over, but then Brian Dooher came out of nowhere. Hate put his head on Dooher's shoulder. In Doohers speech he mentioned Cormac McAnallen."




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Cork's Gemma O'Connor celebrates with team mates

Winning the All-Ireland senior Camogie final at Croke park on September 18th, 2005.

Dan Linehan (Irish Examiner) says "I've covered camogie finals for the last nine or ten years and without fail, it presents some of the best picture opportunities. Camogie players ... are more expressive than their male counterparts. As a result you get incredible pictures, not just of joy and celebration, but of sorrow and dejection. This picture ws takena fter the final whistle - it was almost as if they presented themselves to the camera. I was just drawn to take the picture."




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Kilbrittan National School Team

With captain Pauric Deasy, celebrate their Sciath na Scoil final victory at Pairc Ui rinn, Cork, on May 31st, 2005

Des barry (Irish Examiner) says "It is my favourite sporting event of the year. i have been covering the Sciath na Scoil finals for over 10 years and it offers more picture opportunities than All-Ireland Finals. What makes it so specia? There are no inhibitions with the kids, there is a wonderful innoncence in everything they do, whether it is playing, celebrating or dealing with defeat. Regarding the action shots - theya re fantastic - they jump into the air or they jump right into the lens!."




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Limerick's Garryspillane's Donie Ryan celebrates victory

Garryspillane beat Kilmallock in the Limerick SHC Final at the Gaelic Grounds on October 16th 2005.

Dan Linehan (Irish Examiner) says "Final wins like this are always special. Garryspillane have never won the county senior title so this was a bit of history in the making. As I ran onto the field after the match, i noticed this guy falling o the grround. In all the mellee you are rtying to keep an eye on four or five possible shots at any time and I decidd to go after this guy. I took four or five shots and ten had to wait until he got off the ground before I could identity him by the number on his back."




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Cork's Corona Boots

All Ireland SHC quarter-final, Cork V Waterford, Ceoke Park

Brendan Moran (Sportsfile, Dublin) says "I got a tip-off. one of our lads noticed something yellow on the boos as the team parade was heading in my direction. He texted me so I used my longest lens to zoom in and I just started taking pictures. We do this pre-match stuff as a matter of course but never send it out.

The match started and I took this picture of Niall McCarthy and the logo on the boot came up in that as well. To be honest, I forgot about it until the next day. All the papers were doing their follow-ups on the Sunday matches and that usually focuses on a sending-off or a controversey. So we decided to send out the boot picture as something different.We could not have imagined the response. Within minutes the phones were hopping. Despite the publicity, we wee not in collusion the the PR company who arranged the deal with the Cork Players. We got negative publicity, so be it. We are always trying to pick up on something different, likie fellows wearing Lance Armstrong bands, or the Paddy Power logos on the hurleys two years ago. We are not out to get players into trouble. There was no conspiracy. "




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Hurling Championship launch

Giants Causeway, County Antrim

Ray McManus (Sportsfile, Dublin) says "Its a little different to covering a game, it's a planned, set up shot. Th order in which the players line up (Cork's Sean Og O hAilpin, Wexford's Michael Jacob, Kilkenny's James McGarry, Waterford's Eoin Kelly) is dicated by height, but even as I see the shot again I see I might have done it differently. "




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The real on the pitch

NHL, Galway v Tipperary, Pearse Stadium

Ray McManus (Sportsfile, Dublin) says "It was just an ordianry league game, Galway against Tipperary, and I'd asked for permission to go into the umpires dressing room before the game. I wanted a photograph of them putting on their white coats before the amtch started, but that wasn't working. Eventually they came out, and while they were waiting for the referee they just formed a line. i didnt set it up, i think most times you'd know thay's ben done. One of them was looking at me and I asked him to keep talking "




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Gaaa Match

Taken during 1976

Taken by Josef Koudelka in Ireland during 1976. You can see more of his Pictures here







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Tags: GAA, Jokes, GAA Jokes, Cork, NHL, Pearse Stadium, Hurling Championship, Hurling, Gaelic, , All-Ireland, Camogie, Croke Park, Sean Kelly, Ted Walsh, George Hamilton, Colm O' Rourke, Sean cavanagh, Peter Canavan, Sean Og O hAilpin, GAA, Irish, Irish Guy, Jokes,

2005 Quotes

2005 Quotes


"It was prehaps the most generous, the most liberal decision ever taken by any sporting or business body because we have out of the generosity of our harts put our finest asset at the disposal of our keenest rivals."
Sean Kelly - after Rule 42 was scrapped in march 2005

"We're one of the great sporting nations and we'd really only be opening it up for our own patrons. I remember American football being played in Croke Park and I can guarantee you it hasn't caught on in Wexford. If a neightbours' house wenton fire and you'd a spare room you wouldn't leave him out in the cold."
Wexford's Sean Quirke argues the case for the dropping of rule 42.

"Nicky Leeson, you banker, you banker."
The welcome given to Nick Leeson, of Barings bank fame, by the crowd at Terryland poark when he was introduced asGalway United's new commercial director.

"All Sports are been anlysed far too much by Bolloxes like us."
Ted Walsh, sitting around a table with George Hook, pat Spillane and Eamon Dunphy

"If you're down around the new Dundrum town centre right now you can pop out your breasts with pride because here is the champion of Europe, David Gillick, the local lad made good!."
RTE's George Hamilton gets a touch carried away after Gillick's gold at the European indoor Championships.

"I'd been ill and hadn't trained for a week and I'd been out of the team for three weeks before that, so i wasn't sharp. i got cramp before half-time as well. But i'm not one to make excuses."
Clinton Morrison. No excuses, then.

"Somebody should check his birth cert because Idon't think he was born, I think he's a creation of god."
Colm O' Rourke on the divinity that is Kerry's Colm "Gooch" Cooper.

"It used to be a good old Ulster fry before amtches, but we've changed that now to Muesili - which tastes a wee bit like what you'd find at the bottom of a budgie's cage."
Former armagh goalkeeper Benny tierney on the county's all-new pre-match breakfast menu.

"The defender was so laid back there he was almost vertical."
TV3 pundit Frank Stapleton.

"I just went up to him and said please Peter, please take it. I knew he was the only man for the job. I know he's already a legend in tyrone, but that's going to make hime something crazy alltogether."
Tyrone's Sean cavanagh after Peter Canavan's last minute free beat Armagh in the all-Ireland semi-final.

"waht a way to win an All-Ireland Final. Ten amtches, beating the Ulster champions, the Leinster champions, the Munster champions, and also the current All-Ireland winners. So maybe those people that critised our style of football will think otherwise now and give the county a bit of respect."
Peter Canavan after Tyrone's marathon championship ended with visctory over Kerry in the final.


"babs Keating said to me one night the difference between a pat on the back and a kick in the arse is a foot and a half."
Brian Kerr, under pressure.

"There might ahve been one or two Irishmen tap-dancing on some of my players' feet and that might have got them a bit angry."
Australian coach Kevin Sheedy tries to find a reason for some of his plaers losing the plot in the International Rules Series.

"i was sitting next to rog (Ronan O'Gara) after the game and just looked at him and suggested that someone dig a hole and put us in it."
Anthony horgan after Ireland lost 45-7 to new Zealand at Lansdowne Road.


"I was very, very hurt. i had worked for nine years in lots of roles for the association, for the one employer and as a full-time employee. So to be dispatched, cut off, more or less overnight was quite hurtful andd disappointing. but that was their entitlement and that was the decision of the wise men of the association."
Brian Kerr, reflecting on the decision of the FAI not to renew his contract as Republic of Ireland manager.

"next weekend is going to be a tough one, whatever happened against New zealand, Australia are a different bag of hammers."
Irish coach Eddie O'Sullivan looking forward to the game against Australia, In which Ireland also got hammered.


"Looking at our games near the end of the campaign ... against Cyprus away we were like a pub team. After that game people were having a pop at Brian (Kerr), but you can't blame hime for one been able to make a 10-yard pass. we supposed to be the cream of Irish footballers and we were just all over the shop."
Damien Duff's on the Irish team's World Cup qualifying campaign.

"Ever since I started off in Na Piarsaigh, and going to the North Monastery, i was told croke Park, the steps of the Hogan stand, that's what you inspire to. I bought into that growing up on the norh side of Cork, and I waned to live that dream. And today it came true."
- Sean Og O hAilpin after captaining Cork to the all-Ireland hurling title in September.

GAA - Ireland's own Column"

Heart column of 'Ireland's Own', a monthly magazine which prides itself on being very quirky! Well its readers are certainly quirky and/or possessed of a good sense of humour!


a.. Grossly overweight Louth Senior County Full forward, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks nimble sex-pot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and
humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.

a.. Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, hurling fan, seeks replacement mammy. Must like finches orange, making sandwiches in tinfoil for the big matches and answer to the name Minnie. Thurles area.
a.. Galway man, 50, in desperate need of a ride.
Anything considered.

a.. Bitter, disillusioned Kerry man lately domianted and rejected by
longtime 6 county palying partner seeks decent, honest, beatable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced northern b****es.

a.. Ginger-haired Limerick senior hurler and troublemaker, gets
slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops every night after training, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.


a.. Artistic Clare man, 53, former Senior County Hurling Manager - petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along
like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach
essential.


a.. Dublin Chartered accountant, rugby man, 42, seeks female for
marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office
social functions. References required. No timewasters.

a.. Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a
damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde
lady with chest.

a.. Meath Devil-worshiper, navan area, seeks like-minded
lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and stomping and spitting on GAA player from the restt of the country.


a.. Attractive brunette, Macroom area, winner of Miss
Wrangler competition, who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort
drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!

a.. Cork man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the Sunday on the 2nd weekend of September betwen 2.00 pm and 11.30 pm.

GAA better than soccer (2)

1) The GAA player who played in front of 80,000 at
the weekend will be teaching your children, selling you meat or fixing
your drains on Monday morning. The soccer player who plays in front of
80,000 will be moaning about playing too many games and will be trying to
sell you his personalised brand of leisure wear

2) GAA nicknames are better. Soccer players just add a Y to their surnames

3) Dublin vs Meath is a real derby. What does Utd. Vs City mean to Ronaldo or Sibierski

4) How many soccer players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer
eleven. One to stick it in and ten to surround and kiss him after he does it

5) Soccer players go to the papers after a game. GAA
players go to the pub

6) John Terry would run a mile if he came up against Francie Bellew

7) GAA teams are numbered 1-15. A soccer team reads like the lottery results

8) All soccer players wear shin pads. Some hurlers wear helmets

9) Television runs soccer. Schoolteachers run the GAA

10) The GAA is about where you're from. Soccer is about who you like

11) No segregation at GAA games

12) No soccer team has a nickname quite as lovely as the Fighting Cocks of Carlow

13) Bubble perms never made it to Croke Park

14) A scoreless draw in the GAA would be quite a novelty

15) Roman Abramovich can buy the League. You can't buy Sam!!

Bits and Bobs....

GAA Uranus

GAA and Progressive Rock

Its a bit silly but I ahve no idea between GAA and Progressive Rock..






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Get your Kit Off

Spar Supermarket Spain and erotic GAA

Is this subliminal advertising... Everytime I see it... on turns to "off" and I get a bit shaken. Is it a waning to GAA fans not to take off their shirts during a hot day on the Hill?




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Feckin Animal - but which one?

Taken from the front page of the Irish Times the Monday after the Cork V Kerry Championship Semi-Final

Ouch. Seamus Moynihan bites while Brendan Jer O' Sullivan Gouges

Female fans as 'prize heifers'

I don't view female fans as 'prize heifers' says under-fire GAA chief

No koke this, but sounds like one. It taken from the Irish Independent of Thursday September 1st 2005.

GAA president Sean Kelly last night said he was surprised to have been accused of regarding female fans as 'prize heifers'.

He was responding for the first time to a furore caused by his assertion that well-dressed ladies should be paraded on the Croke Park pitch before big games.

His views, in programme notes for last Saturday's All-Ireland football quarter-final replay against Tyrone, sparked accusations that he viewed female fans as "prize heifers".

Ladies' Gaelic Football Association head Helen O'Rourke accused Mr Kelly of treating women like animals at a country fair.

Mr Kelly, chairman of the integration committee charged with bringing the women's and men's associations together said female GAA supporters were a "wonderful sight for sore eyes"."The thought struck me that we should have a 'Queen of Fashion' at big days in Croker," he said in his notes.

"Select the best dressed of the ladies, march them around the field after the band and then present the winner with her prize - a day at the races, or a day in the bog, two tickets for the All-Ireland, etc."

But the top female Gaelic organisation described his remarks as "condescending" and an "insult".

Mr Kelly wrote: "At the drawn game, I took a good look at the women. They are now coming to matches in their droves, more power to them. They go to great trouble to dress up for the day in their county colours - all matching from head to toe. Some of the women build around the official jersey in a most imaginative and, may I say, attractive way. Others design their own concoctions. Wonderful sights for sore eyes."

Helen O'Rourke responded that women were more interested in playing football in Croke Park than being paraded in a fashion contest.

"He sounds like he's talking about putting a county parade rosette on a prize heifer. It's antiquated and I thought those days were long over.

"It is obvious that women who play football and come to matches are there because they love and are interested in the game. We have 100,000 members and every one of those aspires to play at Croke Park, not to be paraded around at a fashion show.

"It's in very poor taste. I couldn't believe it. I was very disappointed when I read the programme and I think he must have been watching too much of the Rose of Tralee. It sounds like a country fair."

Speaking to the Irish Independent last night, Mr Kelly insisted his remarks were "a harmless bit of fun and should be taken in the context and spirit in which they were written".

He was surprised any offence could be taken and defended his record on promoting the affairs of women in the GAA.

"Nothing I said was derogatory towards ladies. In fact it was quite the opposite. I think it is wonderful to see so many ladies now attending GAA games in their county colours. I was merely complimenting that."

He added: "There is never a problem or a big deal made about best dressed ladies at race meetings. It's part and parcel of any festival. I was complimenting the standard of fashion at GAA games now and suggesting how it could be acknowledged in a light hearted way. I didn't think offence would be taken four days after the game."

Ms O'Rourke said she felt his comments set back equal opportunity moves to integrate men's and women's sporting organisations.

"Fashion is not the reason women come to Croke Park . . . We had to wait up to 10 days before the GAA agreed to our match last weekend and this article has undermined the interest women have in the sport.

"All we want to do is play football. I found it quite insulting because we have to struggle so hard for our sport."

She conceded: "He might have been joking, but there is too much of those kind of sentiments around that are seriously meant."

Colm Keys and Helen Bruce

----------------


This is not taken from an episode of Fr Ted it is a direct quote from Sean Kelly's programme notes..

The Top 10 GAA cock-ups

The Top 10 GAA cock-ups

1. Kerry's "goal" against Tipp (1999 Munster football
   c'ship) : After just eight minutes Kerry corner-forward Gerry Murphy kicked the ball wide but it came back into play off a stanchion and the Rathmore player finished the rebound to the net. Kerry won by 6 points and Tipp were not awarded a replay.

   
   



2. The "point" that never was (1995 Leinster football
   tie) : Laois' Mick Turley kicked the  ball over his head with 42 seconds remaining and the ball was deemed to have gone over the Carlow bar. But video evidence showed that it had gone wide. Laois won by a point. Laois later offered Carlow a replay and won in the re-fixture.

   
   
   



3. Six sent off (1999 Leinster tie) : With the introduction of new rules, ref Niall Barrett of Cork dished out 14 yellow cards and sent off six players, four from Carlow. Westmeath won by four points.

   
   



4. GPA "Player of the Year" (2001) : After
   initially awarding and informing Padraig Joyce both verbally and in writing that he had won their award, on the night of the presentation he is playing for Connacht in the Railway Cup in Killarney and cannot attend. But at the ceremony it is announced that Declan Meehan won the award.

   
   



5. Jimmy Cooney's "lost minutes" (1998 All-Ireland
   hurling semi-final) : With Clare hanging on to a three point lead against Offaly, Galway ref Jimmy Cooney blows for full-time with over two minutes of play remaining. By the time he realised his mistake, stewards were leading him from the field. Hundreds of Offaly fans sat in protest on the field. The Kerry U-21 hurlers were due to play Kildare after but couldn't proceed. The Senior game  went to a replay, which Offaly won.

   
   
   



6. Cork minor's two yellows (2000 minor semi) : Midfielder
   Kieran Murphy received two yellow cards from Roscommon ref Gerry Kinneavy but wasn't ordered off. Cork held on by a point and Derry's appeal for a rematch was turned down.

   
   



7. Alcohol Sponsorship :  In pre-Guinness hurling championship times the Central Council voted against accepting financial backing from the drinks Industry at a behind closed doors meeting. It subsequently emerged that the vote was tied and it was former and the then GAA President Peter Quinn which decided the issue.

   
   



8. Wrong team won (Connacht minor final 1989) : In the dying seconds of the game, Roscommon who are trailing Galway by a point, are awarder a penalty. Shane Curran sprints forward and drives the kick to the net. The whistle blows and Roscommon assume they have won and are presented with the cup. But it subsequently emerges that the ref disallowed the goal from the penalty and Galway are declared the official winners. Galway agree to a replay but lose.

   
   
   



9. Get off Charlie Redmond (1995 All-Ireland final) : Ref Paddy Russel sent Charlie off in the game against Tyrone, but Charlie stayed on the field. It was only a few minutes later when the ref sees Charlie that he leaves the field. Dublin win by a point but Tyrone do not appeal.

   
   



10. No show for extra-time (1987 NFL QF) : Dublin and Cork finish level at the end of normal time. Cork retire to their dressing room and fail to re-appear for the E T. The match was restarted with Dublin facing no opposition. While the Cork players are on their bus, Barney Rock scores the easiest game of his career to put Dublin through. Cork's protests are turned down and Dublin go on to win the League.

    
    
    
    Taken from Its a Funny Old Game

You know it's Championship time with......

You know it's Championship time with......

Taken from It's a Funny Old Game

1-10
* Flags outside houses near championship time.
* the noise in Croke Park when the teams come out.
* the few pints in the Big Tree before the game
* the anticipation in the days coming up to a big game
* the banter between supporters.
* the stories about players from a bygone age.
* Every player, no matter how good, always has a younger brother that would have been better but for the booze/women/emigration/job/incarceration etc. (Delete as appropriate)
* On any one summer sunday more people would attend club and county fixtures across the country than would attend soccer and rugby combined all year long.

* Old blokes with transistor radios who are always more interested in the radio telling you about U-21 hurling down in Limerick than the game they're watching in Irvinestown.
* Ringing up people you haven't spoke to in 12 months telling them to keep you in mind for a ticket, then getting a complete shock when they come up with the goods. Then telling everyone that asks you for a ticket to 'feck off - do you not know how hard it is to get tickets'.

11-20
* The craic in the pub after a big win and not caring that you're going to miss the bus, because you know someone will give you a lift.
* The OOOOOOO of the crowd when there is a bone crunching shoulder.
* Those days when you're playing out of your skin and you can do no wrong, you just know before the keeper kicks the ball out, your going to catch it clean.
* Championship football on a warm summers evening, the hard sod, quick ball and the roar of the crowd.
* Pints in the town after winning a club championship game.
* John 3:7
* Beaches in July when all the fathers are inside their cars listening to the news from Clones or Thurles.
* Interviews with the players and you hear the real accents of the places they come from.
* Bringing the cup around to schools in the months after the all-Ireland

* Pubs with Allstar posters on the walls

21-30
* "Johno's" car or van filled to the roof with under 12's on the way to a match.
Then, on the way home he stops at a shop and buys them all ice-cream,all from his own pocket.
* The one line comment from some wit in the crowd that gets both sets of supporters
laughing and cheering.
* The last bars of amhran na bhFiann lost in the mighty roar
* Cars parked in every gap in the hedge and every farmyard at local championship matches.
* Not caring about the splatters of cowshite caked on the ankle of your trousers because of the day thats in it.
* Young wans playing their own championship behind the goals at the county final
* "Anyone buyin or sellin a ticket ?"
* The anticipation of the first club challenge match of the year
* Wee Mickey on the School team being the first player from the club to get a provincial medal - boys but he's going to be some footballer.
* The same wee Mickey getting caught by his da taking a pint after he scores 1-6 on his championship debut at 15 - bought for him by the club captain - who's da caught him in a similar situation 15 years earlier

31-40
* You shake hands with the guy you're marking before the match, then proceed to kick seven sorts of s**t out of him and abuse his mother for 60 minutes,and shake hands with him again after.
* Being lifted over the turnstiles by your Da when you were a kid.
* Having something to talk to your Da about
* gives you sense of identity of where you come from, something you will have til the day you die

* when you're a young lad after coming home from Croker, you and cousins and neighbours play out the match again until the sunday game (you're Mikey Sheehy and your cousin is Jack O'Shea)
* The pure Heart and love for the game that makes a lad want to die going for the ball as opposed to the pros in soccer that show no emotion.
* The local newspaper supplements in the week of a big match.
* Straw hats (why are they confined almost exclusively to Galway and Mayo supporters?)
* The conveyor line of stout, so they just top one off when you order

* The combination of professionalism and naivety - Larry Tompkins, one of the best prepared and most professional footballers ever, missed a Munster final because he got sunburned on his feet!

41-50
* The most professional sports organisation in the country runs one of the few truly amateur sports left and sends out Danny Lynch to deal with the world's media!
* The consolation that no matter how bad things go ..there's always next year (not anymore in Kilmoyley)
* Wearing your county jersey because you love it, not because it is a fashion item
* Hearing people in the crowd going on about will so-and-so start? I heard he's on the beer, I heard he's too busy chasing skirt to be bothered his arse training etc. giving out about him for the whole game and then he ends up being the hero by scoring the last minute winner and they turn around and say I knew he'd do it, what did I tell ye?

The State of Tipperary Hurling

Tipperary Hurlers

Taken during training for the Munster Final 2005

The Tipp Boys are well known for their fondness for the auld sauce and this picture of Eoin Kelly during training says it all.






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A Pissing (GAA) Match 1976

Gaaa Match

Taken during 1976

Taken by Josef Koudelka in Ireland during 1976. You can see more of his Pictures here







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If Soccer is this Gay, More GAA Please

Is soccer gay?

And theya re thinking of letting Soccer into croke Park. You must be joking. Damien Duffers me arse.

From http://www.linksdaily.com/?sida=tengill&id=106042

Truth is Stranger than Fiction

A tale of Men

Mini Riot

NINE GAA club members were each given suspended jail sentences yesterday when they pleaded guilty to charges arising from what was described by gardai as a "mini-riot" two-and-a-half years ago.

The charges followed an incident involving members of Scotstown Gaelic Football Club which developed during a disco at The Glencarn Hotel in Castleblayney, Co Monaghan, on July 15, 2002, during which a number of hotel stewards were attacked and injured.

Garda Sergeant Paul Carroll, Castleblayney, told an earlier hearing the "mini-riot" developed after the group had been drinking heavily earlier in the day following a GAA match before attending a disco at the hotel. The trouble erupted when one of the accused men brought a bar-stool out on the dance floor for a lady who appeared to become weak. When told by a steward that such seating was not permitted on the dance floor, the fracas developed in which several of the accused became involved and a number of stewards were punched and kicked.

"It was a particularly harrowing experience for the nightclub staff on the occasion," the garda said. "What took place on the occasion was totally out of character - they have regretted it very much since and are prepared to accept responsibility," she said.



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The Dogs

Truth is Stranger than Fiction

Reservoir Dogs has an unconventional structure, cleverly shuffling back and forth in time to reveal details about the characters, experienced criminals who know next to nothing about each other. Joe (Lawrence Tierney) has assembled them to pull off a simple heist, and has gruffly assigned them colour-coded aliases (Mr Orange, Mr Pink, Mr White) to conceal their identities even from each other. But something has gone wrong, and the plan has blown up in their faces. One by one, the surviving robbers find their way back to their prearranged warehouse hideout. There, they try to piece together the chronology of this bloody fiasco--and to identify the traitor among them who tipped off the police. Pressure mounts, blood flows, accusations and bullets fly. In the combustible atmosphere these men are forced to confront life-and-death questions of trust, loyalty, professionalism, deception and betrayal.

As many critics have observed, it is a movie about "honor among thieves" (just as Pulp Fiction is about redemption, and Jackie Brown is about survival). Along with everything else, the movie provides a showcase for a terrific ensemble of actors: Harvey Keitel, Tim Roth, Steve Buscemi, Michael Madsen, Christopher Penn and Tarantino himself, offering a fervent dissection of Madonna's "Like a Virgin" over breakfast. Reservoir Dogs is violent (though the violence is implied rather than explicit), clever, gabby, harrowing, funny, suspenseful and even--in the end--unexpectedly moving.


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January 2005 Funny GAA Pics

The Grassy Knoll

Ken McGrath Assassination

Ken McGrath was assassinated by a lone Kerry lunatic during the Munster Final 2004 against Cork. For millions of Waterford people, this event was a long-remembered sorrowful experience.

Fr. Horan (of the Silverstone and Olympics fame), arrested in a movie theater at 1:50 pm was charged at 7:00 pm for killing a Tippperary Ban Garda by "murder with malice", and also charged at 11:30 pm for the murder of Ken McGrath. Five days after McGrath was killed, Prime Minister Bertie Ahern created the Thurles Commission, chaired by Chief Justice Wiggan, to investigate the assassination.

Many people dispute the claim that Horanwas an assassin, or, the sole assassin. Investigations, scientific testing, and recreations into the circumstances have not, in the Waterfor public's view, settled the question of who plotted to kill him. A 2003 "RTE tv news" poll showed that 32 percent of them who expressed a view believe that McGrath was killed by 3 Corkmen.



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What are they looking at

It is a well known fact that no one, I mean no one read Pat Spillane's 2004 GAA Joke Book. Why, because in it was plagurised from the Internet. Pat discovered Google or was told by his Kerry (remedial) students about it. What Joke could be sharing with Eamonn. Check out the Pat Spillane Quotes on this site.


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Give me that feckin burger!

Taken after the Senior Leinster Fottball final Replay in 2004 against Laois, it takes half a dozen Westmeath boys to hold back Paidi hungerin for a batter burger. Or is it burgers hes after. It may well be the photographer's valubale camera. Would amke a fine Christmas present for his missus.


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________

Funny Piss Take of Marty

Holidays in the Sun

Holidays in the Sun

Its holiday time again for GAA teams. December and January are the most popular months for GAA teams around the country to take leave of these shores.


Westmeath
Leinster Champions Westmeath are off to South Africa with Paidi. Kerry and Kilkenny have been there previously.

Wateford
Waterford will also set off for South Africa in January.

Wexford
Wexford will hit Phuket, Thailand in January 2005.

Derry
Derry are going to the Gran Canaria on Saint Stephens Day.

Kerry
The Kerry footballers are been treated to a break in Cancun, Mexico as well a few days in Las Vegas. That's an expensive trip. I wonder where there hurlers are going. Ballybunnion, I suppose.

Mayo and Fermanagh
They have decided not to go any where. Fermanagh have also decided to postpone any trip fort the time being.

Cork
Cork hurlers were in Vietnam last year. This year they are heading to New Zealand.

Corkmen on Tour

Jesus, they are going to foreign fields this year. I don't know if the locals will understand the lingo .. feens, beors, Cove,- its like, eh, boy - grand.


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GAA Banners

Some GAA Banners


Kerry for President, Mayo for the All Ireland
Kerry go heavy on the Mayo

A SAM with no Mayo
is Maughan WE CAN TAKE !

1998 Offaly v KK
"We'll tickle your Pussy"

1985 Dublin v Kerry
"Brian Mullins lays on more balls than Joanne Hayes" (referring to Kerry Babies scandal)

1980 Roscommon Banner
"After sex, Roscommon we love you the best!"

1975 Dublin v Kerry
"Brian and Barney will beat them back to Killarney!"

Effin Eddie's Sound Clips

Effin Eddie is Comedy GAA Commentary. If you want to buy the Comedy video with the clips as heard beloe and more, please don't contact me but the good people at effineddie@o2.ie. He has a website.

Download a few clips from a GAA match -
this is some of the above clips combined (560 kb)

Download all the clips in one zip file (apart from GAA match) - 1.5 mb

Update: July 2006: Up the Deise has done a cool soundboard with all Eddie's clips.

Westmeath County Jokes

Boylan, you've won nothing since drug testing came in! - Westmeath fan in 2003

Louth County Jokes

Sorry, One of only two counties, I have to find jokes for. If you have one, email me at michael(at)gaa.irish-guy.com

Down County Jokes

Profile of Down GAA

Referees

Referees by John B. Keane

There is a daring breed of men whose exploits have never made the front pages of newspapers, whose heroics forever remain unsung, whose visages will never be seen on our television screens and about whom no songs are made. Be that as it may, what matters is that this breed of man is common to every generation and no matter what abuses or tortures the breed suffered in a previous generation it will always bob to the surface in this present one. It will show itself to be unsullied and untainted by previous wrongs and it will carry on with the job regardless.

I refer, of course, as if you didn't know, to that dauntless band of gentlemen, none other than those heroes who referee junior football matches. Now don't get me wrong. There are few of us who loved the game who did not at one time or another find ourselves with a whistle in the hand when the appointed referee failed to turn up. This is all very well but, while we may have acted the part once, nothing on this earth could induce us to do so again. We did it and we wrote it down to experience. -We were grateful to escape without injury and those who suffered physically were even more resolved never to be caught again with a whistle in the hand.

The hero to whom I refer is he who comes out Sunday after Sunday to do the needful in the matter of refereeing. Often his task is easy and pleasant but only where one team is so much better than another that a referee is not needed at all.
His life is in danger however when there is nothing between the teams. Then in the eyes of the partisans his every decision is riddled with prejudice and no matter what way he points the finger he is greeted with a storm of catcalls and booing. To these he is impervious and he takes them for granted.

It is when he makes the genuine mistake that he is in serious trouble. Nothing will convince the injured party but that it was deliberate. First the ball is flung at the referee. Then he is abused with a wide range of choice epithets.
At this stage experienced referees go to where the ball is, sit on it and wait till the whole thing blows over. The worst he is likely to suffer if he chooses this course is a belt of a cadhrawn or a scraw. However, if he attempts to hand the whistle to one of his tormentors it is felt by one and all that he is stepping outside the part and is no longer, as it were, in sanctuary.

Acts like this are regarded as impertinence. Once he ignores his enemies he is more or less ignored himself but once he takes them seriously he is asking for trouble. After the game is over is the worst time. There is no police protection and it is quite true to add that the game may have been contested in a village where there never were police. His best bet here is to pick out the biggest man in the vicinity and to open a conversation with him. Those who are out for his blood can never be sure but 'tis his brother or maybe his uncle he is talking to.

A referee who togs out in white is taken far more seriously than a referee who does not tog out at all. Like a singer who appears on stage wearing a dress suit, he has a headstart over those who treat the occasion lightly. The referee who merely stuffs his trousers inside his socks and hands his coat to his girlfriend is asking for trouble.

Whatever way one looks at it, it is a hazardous occupation. Referees for the most part are even-tempered men who do not court trouble. This, however, is no protection and the good referee must know a few tricks if he is to survive. Before I close I would like to recall one of these tricks as I saw it.

The match was a junior semi-final. All went well and our friend staggered around without falling. What saved him was the fact that he did not blow the whistle. Then following a long bout of booing he blew, and having blown could not remember why. The pitch was invaded but, completely in command, our friend raised his hand and announced that he had blown the whistle in order that two minutes might be observed. Nobody asked who was dead. It wouldn't do to exhibit such ignorance.

GAA Sponsorship Deals

GAA Sponsorship Deals

Following hot on the heels of the announcement of a free boots deal between Dublin and Adidas, comes news of another GAA sponsorship. The newly revived Newbridge Cutlery firm has agreed a 5-year arrangement with Limerick County board that will see each Limerick player, in both codes, from juvenile level upwards, equipped with a top of the range knife. Players will be able to select a knife of their own choosing from the wide Newbridge range. A straw poll amongst the hurling and football panels last night showed a strong preference emerging among the footballers for the 8" fish filleter, though some of the backs favoured the cleaver. Among the hurlers, the strap-on bayonet was a clear favourite, most seeing its potential for improving the effectiveness of butt-end rib jabbing.

GAA top brass have hinted that this is just the start of an expected avalanche of sponsorship deals with the advent of the liberalising presidency of Kerryman Sean Kelly. Already there are whispers of talks between officials in Kelly's own county and Fota Wildlife Park that will see the Kerry menagerie spend their non-playing weekends behind cage bars at Munster's biggest zoo. Fota chiefs are said to be quietly confident of closing the deal and securing the biggest animal attraction in the country. Other deals rumoured to be in the offing are tutus and ballet pumps for the Kildare squad (though there are suggestions that Martin Lynch is negotiating a solo deal with a scuba gear company and a reported arrangement between Armagh and Portaloo.

Talks are said to be at an advanced stage between Galway and Vanity Pocket Mirrors Ltd. of Cappataggle, while Mayo are being courted by the Wide-Angle Lenses division of Kodak ("get the picture, no matter how wide the shot" is their famous slogan).

Observers of the sports sponsorship market have been indulging in speculation over other obvious possible arrangements, such as Wicklow and Ifor Williams Trailers (for bulk referee transport) and Donegal and Budget Travel ("let your best players take a break between matches"). Meanwhile, Meath County Board have strenuously denied rumours of approaches by various companies, including Muggers-R-Us (Everything for the committed robber"), Sports Music Publishers Ltd. (who made their name with the massive 'hit' - pardon the reference - "Take me Out of the Ball Game") and the National Lottery ("We have draws every week").

Hurling Explained

Hurling Explained!!

"Coming from Meath, I don't know much about any sport other than football. I've seen handball once. I've heard tell there's a game called 'rounders'and I'm even told that there's a women's version of gaelic football, where they're allowed to pick the ball off the ground and a point is worth three goals. But all I knew, until recently, about the other sport administered by the GAA was that it involves the use of weapons and that only Kilkenny, Tipperary and Cork are allowed to play it. (For the information of football people, Kilkenny, apparently, is a county in Leinster).

I've never met people from Kilkenny or Tipperary because those places are very far in off the main roads, so the only hurling fans I've ever met were from Cork. (I can understand why Cork people follow hurling, because I've seen their football teams). Anyway, these people told me (without being asked) that hurling is "de fastest field game in de world (boy)" and "de most skilful sport of 'em all (like)". So I decided that I should plug this gap in my education and rented a few tapes of big matches to try and figure out how hurling works. I was immediately surprised to find out that, unlike most field games, hurling doesn't involve the use of a ball. Look as closely as you like at any game of hurling and you'll see no ball. At first, I thought the ball must be too small and travelling at too great a speed to be visible to the naked, non-Corkonian, Kilkennian or Tipperarian eye. But I quickly realised that hurling is, in fact, a stick-breaking competition, in which the object of the game is to break your weapon, a thick ash stick, either against your opponent's stick (like the reverse of the principle of conkers) or, failing that, against his limbs, torso, head etc. While the weapon remains unbroken, it is used to weaken the opponent's resistance and thus make it easier to chase him down and improve your chances of a successful break.

The stick is called a hurley and there are three parts to it - the warhead, which is the heavy end of the weapon, usually reinforced with steel bands. It is used for cudgelling, bludgeoning and inflicting contusions, concussion and localised damage to the head and body of the opponent;- the blade this is the sharpened, curved part of the device, just above the warhead area, which is effective in slicing through fleshy tissue and in routine amputation applications;- the butt, which is the stabbing end of the apparatus, used for tenderising the opponent's rib cartilage. The only protective equipment used is the helmet. Helmets come in a variety of styles.

Many players wear knee-pads tied to the tops of their heads, some stick their heads up through the bottom of a canary-cage and one lad from Cork wears a deep-fat fryer. The headgear also comes in various colours because, apparently, no two players on any team are allowed to wear the same colour. The game starts with two players from each side standing, fully armed, in the middle of the field. On a signal from the referee, they start to beat each other about the ankles with their sticks until the referee blows a whistle. When he blows it again, other sets of combatants lay into each other, trying to break their sticks, either overhead against their opponent's weapon in a sort of aerial fencing (known as "the clash of the ash") or on the opponent himself (the gash of the ash).

When a player succeeds in breaking his stick - a smash of the ash - a huge roar goes up from the crowd, the player waves his broken stick above his head in triumph and immediately he is thrown a replacement weapon from a store that is kept on the sideline (the stash of the ash). The crowd roars at other random occasions also, in what appears to be a side competition between the two sets of supporters, because when they roar, a man in a white coat holds up a white flag, in the manner of an umpire in football.

If the roar is really loud, he waves a green flag. If a player manages to strike his opponent on the hand or in the stomach area, this is known as a "dirty pull" and is one of the principal skills of the game. The only form of violence not permitted is pushing an opponent in the back and referees deal mercilessly with offenders against this rule. On the other hand, crippling, mangling, maiming and disembowelling and all other forms of lash with the ash are quite in order. The contest continues until there are no spare sticks left and the referee declares a winner, presumably based on a combination of broken stick count and number of casualties which, considering the weaponry deployed and the ferocity of the conflict is usually remarkably few.

As a result of this preliminary research, I came to a few obvious conclusions: Kilkenny must be disarmed - by force if necessary; weapons inspectors must be given access to Cork and Tipperary and there is finally an explanation for the fact that the Romans never came to Ireland.

I discovered also that only teachers, students and policemen play the game. This makes sense, everybody else has work to go to. One final mystery remains: where are the Gardai when all this is going on?

When will the blue lights flash on the clash of the ash?"

The Bold and not so Beautiful

John Brogan

He was aa superstar of te 80's up with Spillane. But this picture does him no justics. Its the haircut, the T-shirt, the vest beneath the T-shirt, the classes. In fact, everything.


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Eugene Hughes

Lets call hime "Fun Boy" for now. I'd say the pranks this fellow got upo to. Mad stuff, Im sure. A former All-Star and a good an, he just had aman hair day.


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Seanie Leary and Ger Loughnane

There is something not right about this picture. Ger, Seanie and the Ref. Still important figures in Public Life, Seanie was in all fairness a great player but always chubby. Ger looks quite pissed off. All that stress in later life shed his golden locks.


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Pat Hartigan

Great Limerick Player from the 70's/80's. Still Gaa men should stick to GAA. He looks like hes is going to burst a blood vessel.Maybe his shorts were too tight.


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Johnnie Flaherty

Offaly Hurler Johnnie Flaherty tries to market a new style of protective helemt. ... but finds take up low.


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Linnane from Galway

I would not mess with this man on any given Sunday.


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Mike Sheehy

Played Minor, under 21 and Senior for Kerry. Regular player for Kerry since 1974. But Jesus, a great player but the haircut was cat. I can imagine him in bellbottom flares and a loud shirt.


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Pat "Arnt I great, lads" Spillane

Thepride of Kerry. Superstar and RTE commentator ... goes his "Bosco" impression.


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Who Else??

Who else. Who should be in the top ten. Who should not be. Email me
michael(at)gaa.irish-guy.com


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The Bold and the Beautiful

Christy Ring

Any man who can inflame passions in men as equally as in Women deserves a place in the top Ten. Here, we see Nick O'Donnell give Christy Ring a wet one on the li[s after Cork Defeated Wexford in the 1956 All-Ireland Final. While the Caption says embrace, its more like sexual assault the way he has his hands around him. Christy didnt have much say in the matter. The lad looking on the Dali Lama hat seemes fairly shocked by the carry on.An emotional moment indeed.


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Thomas Mulcahy

Its not a Cork love it but with with Tom's movie Star good looks and his skill in hurling, he should have been the Jason mcAteer of the 90's, selling shampoo in ads and making lots of dosh.


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Eoin "Bomber" Liston

Another Munster Man and the Big Man of Kerry Football in the 80's. A man whose beard actually suited him.


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Micko O' Dwyer

The man that goes on and on. Can you call him an old man now... not to his face. At his best style wise in the late 70's


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Noel Ryan and Ger Cunningham

A lovers tiff. Not the best looking men in the Top ten but a jilted love from a clare Cad deserves some sympathy. Touching!


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Jimmy Dennihan

What is it with munster Men. Another man still in the News. The early 80's were Jimmy's style years with a brazen John Travolta look.


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Jimmy Barry Murphy

Sublime dual player, the first Skinhead GAA player, great Manager... 6 foot two, eyes of blue, JMB, Cork still loves you.. Need I say more. Still, he needs a haircut these days.


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John Connolly

John Connolly. Star and pride of Galway. The "Judge Dredd" jawline and lots of crusty bread led to this fine cut of a man.


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Who Else??

Who else. Who should be in the top ten. Who should not be. Email me
michael(at)gaa.irish-guy.com


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The GAA and Funny Pictures

Muhammad Ali Plays Hurling

Taken on the 19th of July 1972

He doesnt look too bad with the hurl. Muhammad Ali, the greatest and certaintly the most volorful boxer of all time fought Al "Blue" Lewis at Croke park on July 19th, 1972. Ali won when the fight was stopped in the 11th round. This pictures features Ali and Eddie Keher of Kilkenny. Still, If Ali was eligible like theO'Halpin's Down in Cork, I doubt he would play for the cats!


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It takes Balls to Play GAA

Pretty self Explanatory.


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RTE Stayes Ahead of the pack

Jesus, these are some rabid fans. They are really to devour this 10 inch Black and White TV. Ger Canning has probably just made one of usual feck-ups. If you think you know what county they are from email me or leave a comment at the bottom of the page.


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Down Win a Game

Before Robbie Jeane and his celebrations, was Pat Donnan of County Down.


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Down Up for the Cup

Mayo captain Martin Carney didnt have pocession for the cup (as usual) for very long after the Connacht Final.


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Christy Ring

A hnad injury to Christy Ring forced hime to retire early in the 1957 Munster Semi-Final played at Limerick. Here he receives a word of advice (send your captions to me) from umpire Mick Mackey! A famous picture.


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Smithwicks is bad for you

Smithwicks is waiting for you at the pitch. I never heard of Croke park having it. Maybe Smithwicks drinkers. I dont know. I wish they have Smithwicks Hurling Championships instead of Guinness.


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Funny Video
Wost Free Taker Ever!!!!



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Piss Take of Marty M

Monaghan County Jokes

That Feckin’ Eejagh!
Many moons ago when The Sunday Game decided to do a feature on the GAA careers of famous Irish people Mick Hand told a story about a visit to Inniskeen he made at the behest of RTE. Hand was instructed to assess the locals memories of the poet Patrick Kavanagh. A couple of local ould lads soon opened his eyes. They remembered Kavanagh not for his poetry but for his ineptitude in the goal. They described Patrick as a ‘f****n eegah’ and described the scene of a crucial game which occurred on a particularly hot day. With play at the opposite end Kavanagh spotted an ice cream vendor and trotted over to indulge himself, in the mean time however the opposition raced up the field to score the winning goal. Kavanagh’s name was synonymous with infamy in Monaghan thereafter.

Carlow County Jokes

You’re Off!
Changes in GAA refereeing legislation always ensure pandemonium. 1999 saw the introduction of the modern red card/yellow card ‘cautioning’ system. The interpretation of Cork ref Niall Barrett left a lot to be desired in a Leinster championship tie between Carlow and Westmeath. Barrett dished out fourteen yellow cards and gave six the line, four from Carlow.

It could only happen to a junior footballer.

It could only happen to a junior footballer.


From AnFearRua.com

In the modern world of the GAA much space and media coverage is devoted to the kings of our sport, those god-like possessors of mental and physical strength, skill and endurance, who grace the green sod of Croke Park with their majestic and decisive presence as summer warms around us…

There’s Fitzgerald, Carey, Giles, Leahy, Tohill, Whelehan, Canavan, Cloonan and Donnellan. Sporting Gods who fill the headlines on the back pages with their latest attempt at deity; an on, (or off) field indiscretion or photos that reveal our heroes cutting through the air ball in hand, their Spartan bodies a testament to years of physical conditioning and denial.

They are household names, faces recognizable almost anywhere in the thirty two counties. They are the heroes to whom our children look for inspiration, the elite of our wonderful games.

Yet they all began on roughly the same level as the rest of us. Into the back of the Master’s Datsun estate on a Saturday morning for coaching down at the park. Endless hand-passing drills, tedious practice of picking the ball up properly and your first attempt at a solo run, more an exercise in ‘catch and kick’ than anything else, as the ball rose high above your head before the loving cradle on the chest. Patiently following the Master’s instructions, awaiting the hallowed call of ‘Right lads, pick two teams!

And then those training games which seemed to last forever, amidst shouts of ‘Pull on it!’, ‘On your chest!’ or ‘Use your toe!’ No video to capture your finest hour, but sure who needed it when you could replay that winning score in your head or against the gable wall for the rest of the week. Great days and great memories. Maurice did it, DJ did it and Trevor did it, just as surely as you or I. And just as surely as the entire cast of our Junior C football squad at home.

Did you ever wonder how it happened? DJ probably got the exact same opportunities at nine years of age as the rest of the lads down in Gowran, yet for every DJ, there’s someone ploughing a lonely furrow at corner back on a Junior C team. These boys will never grace Croke Park, they won’t even get a mention in the Club notes in the local paper, let alone the back page of the Star. Yet they are the heartbeat of the GAA. They are the ones who play it for the sheer hell of it, for the craic, for the beer, for the slagging and often, just so they won’t let the parish down.

A few years ago An tImreoir received an injury before the start of the county football championship. He didn’t play for six months and by the time the new season kicked off, he discovered (to his horror I might add) that he was in fact eligible for the Junior C team for that year’s league. Did we have a Junior C team? Damned if I knew. Anyway, thus it was that on a typically wet and blustery Saturday evening in March your scribe found himself joining the underbelly of the GAA world as he sampled first hand the life of a junior C footballer.

Now there are many types of junior C footballer. At the high end of the scale, there are the young bucks who have just graduated from the U-16 team and are hopeful of promotion to at least the Junior A ranks, while some harbour dreams of a place on the Senior Panel itself. They usually keep to their own corner of the dressing room, tog out in the sponsored togs and socks from the local secondary school, and chat loudly among themselves on topics as varied as Robbie Williams, Friends or who Spots Flanagan is asking to The Debs. They usually play in the forward line, are annoyingly keen and possess a NIKE kitbag which boasts of hair gel, deodorant, flip flops and a freshly washed towel.

At the middle end of the age scale, there are three distinct groups. Group one still live in the area and are not particularly well possessed of the finer footballing skills. Opportunities for enhancement were severely curtailed by their decision to make the farm first love and football second. Quiet but amiable, they are mechanically minded, can drink for Ireland (Guinness only), and will walk out of the pub after twelve pints as erect and dignified as when they first entered. Restricted to corner or occasionally wing back, they won’t let you down and possess the mental strength more usually found at the higher end of the footballing scale. In sharp contrast to the U-16 graduates, they do not possess a kit bag per se, but arrive with boots in a Mace plastic bag and the same damp towel that served at last week’s game.

Group number two are the Boozers. These boys anecdotally have talent to burn and all have scored six goals in an U-14 game against someone or other in the distant past. They live their lives to the tune of “if only”, are always at full or corner forward and can easily score three or four points a game One of their number will be the free taker, and after a good performance, they can frequently be heard in the pub threatening a comeback to training on Tuesday night.

However. this never happens and the Boozers chances of being the next DJ or Micheal Donnellan ended the day God created women and put screw off caps on bottles of vodka. Despite both reputation and name, the Boozer could never drink as much as the Farmer in his wildest dreams, but he talks a good game and dressing room banter will inevitably focus on how “scuttered” said individual was at the previous night’s disco.

The final group of the twenty somethings no longer lives in the area. They sampled the bright lights of Dublin/London/New York many moons ago and are now only occasional visitors to the area. These may have been promising players as minors, and misfortune at losing their services will regularly be cursed in the local. They are not possessed of a kit bag at all and are only at the game because Bernie Micheal met them in the pub last night and asked them if they’d fancy a game.

Whilst togging out they will speak fondly of the old days and reminisce with the Boozers and the Farmers about “the time we played this crowd that yer man got sent off and the game was abandoned”. May be deployed literally anywhere on the field. Will impress for twenty minutes before pulling a muscle and signaling wildly to the line that they need replacing. Afterwards will regale the Farmers with wonderful tales of the night life in Dublin/London/New York and the money that can be made if they ever fancy a start.

Finally there are the Boys of the Old Brigade. These lads first pulled on the club colours sometime in the 60’s and there are team photos of long haired youngsters in the pub to prove it. They do not take part in the pre-match banter and every game is treated in the same no nonsense manner, as though they were taking the field in Croke Park itself. They are all selectors on the team and speak only to each other, and occasionally in grunts to their fellow team mates. If they don’t have a son among the U-16 graduates it’s only a matter of time until they do.

Their drinking habits most closely resemble those of the Farmer, and they resent the boastings of the Boozers, occasionally commenting that they “often spilt more on me tie than they’d drink in a night”. Are easily identified on the playing pitch due to their lack of hair, unmatched socks and a unique style of leg bandaging which requires the dressing to gradually peel away from the leg as the game wears on, giving them an even more fierce some look, as if that were required. Their best days are behind them and they usually retire at least half a dozen times before the decision takes effect.

Thus it was as I took the field for the Junior C’s, and thus I’m, sure it is for Junior B and C teams all over the country. They really are the heartbeat of the association. Unwittingly they combine the dual aims of social and sporting enjoyment that make Gaelic culture so special. Unwittingly they manage to reflect the whole male cross section of an area.

Who knows, had Maurice broken the pledge he might have joined the Boozers, had he preferred the land he might have been one of the Farmers. Maybe it was natural talent, maybe it was luck. But somewhere down in Cahirciveen there’s a long forgotten Junior player who can boast something the rest of us cannot. He can say he played with Maurice Fitzgerald, that he was there when it all began. And sure, isn’t it as fine a boast as any???

A poem of a great team

A poem of a great team.


We've often heard the legends of warriors fierce and drall,
Of great deeds done in history, of men that dare not fall,
But we have our unsung hero's, whose valour never known,
From the village of Glengooley, who hurled with stick and ball.

Who fought through all divisions of the Senior county ranks,
From the people of this Parish, to the men now we say, "thanks",
Since the Parish club was founded in the year of 1899,
By the single greatest man in Ireland Father Canon. Cormac Ryan.

If he had been alive that day, to see his dream come true,
On the fiftieth anniversary, what this little club could do,
So many years of waiting, had finally come to pass,

When the team and their selectors assembled for first mass,
The congregation gathered there, heads bowed on bended knee,
"God bless you Father Slattery for your blessed plea",
"Oh God go with ye Gooley Boys as ye march into the fray,
and may a Junior County title be with ye on this day...Amen".

The day,..oh the day, the day it was a dirty one, the rain and sleet came down,
But it didn't stop the exodus from our little town,
Traps and bikes thronged the road, all along the way
Them around, that had a few pound, they hired a hackney for the day.

The team arrived to tog out, above at Mossy Walsh's Bar,
Doctor Keane checked the lads out, and stood them all a jar,
A few pints on, in single file, they marched up to the pitch,
Half way there, when nature called, they had to go inside the ditch!

The atmosphere was electric, t'was more than some could stand,
Mike Dan Power got a weakness as the team paraded with the band,
The referee threw up a shillin', no one made a sound,
The Gooley boys had won the toss, they'de play with fall of ground.

The players took up positions, Glengooley versus Bally,
When a thunderous roar came from the crowd, "C'mon boys give 'em sally!"
The ball is in, the game is on, there's no more we can do,
Than to leave it to those fifteen men, who wear the green and blue.

Mike Pat Slattery, and his brother Joe, known affectionately as 'Snail'
Was first to get the ball, stick, hit and pass the ball to Reale,
But, Reale he couldn't hould the ball, no! he had to give the ball away,
And the Bally boys they siezed their chance and made the boys from Gooley pay,

Now, all was not in jeopardy, the game had just begun,
But the Gooley boys would want to tighten and put Bally on the run,
No sooner was the ball pucked out, than here they come again,
And before we had time to blink an eye, they stuck another one in !

"Well, fuck ye bunch of useless whores, will ye mark ye're fucken men,
Who the fuck put Reale on?, take him off and put on Big Dan!",
Young Ryan pucked out the ball, a lovely long ball at that,
t'was collected by his brother Mickey known as 'The Rat'

'The Rat' he darted from his man like a greyhound from the trap,
and percision, pace and accuracy put one straight over the lat,
Now that's ye're stuff Glengooley, ye've the beatens of them yet,
get in around the house now boys and stick one more in the net.
As play resumed, the ball dropped on the 45,
the 'Snail' was first to greet it, and send a bullet down the line,
Mike Pat Slattery and his brother Joe, whose father came from Youghal,
left the corner-back a mile behind and crossed an almighty ball,

"Now that's yer stuff Glengooley", as the roar came from the crowd,
"Saint Jude of Hopeless Cases, Lawrence Kiely's on the ground!"
"Did Anyone See What Happened...T'was that Long Pup Number 9,
C'mon now Ref get out your Book and Show that Pup the line!",

As Kiely was attended to, the Parish said a Prayer,
Were their dreams of County glory to end in just despair?
But Kiely, he arose again like Lazarus from the dead,
With a blood stained number 14 on, and a bandage around his head.

This put fire in their bellies now, the Gooley Boys saw red,
the challenge lay before them and the road was straight ahead.
Young Ger Ryan pucked out the ball, a lovely long ball at that,
T'was collected by his brother Mikey, again, known as 'The Rat'

Young Ger Hogan, whose father came from Youghal,
left the corner back another mile behind and crossed another mighty ball,
And the crowd they gasped in disbelief as that ball soared through the air,

Would it land between the uprights or descend into the square?
The roars and shout they faded out, and a deadly silence fell,
And the only sound that was heard around was the toning of a bell,
The seconds seemed like hours as that ball soared through the air,
And the fifteen men from Glengooley assembled in the square,

When suddenly the clouds were broke, with a blinding flash of light,
and that ball returned back down again with ferocious speed and might,
The Bally Boys just stood there perplexed by what they'de seen,
Could this be really happening or was it all a dream?

When suddenly the silence broke with "C'mon we can't be beat!"
And fifteen men from Glengooley, put the one ball in the net!

*In Memory of the great Bullock Doody who lost a leg in the final,
but played through the pain with a stump and a half!

The GAA Bizarro World

The GAA Bizarro World.

For all the seriousness involved in the sporting world the odd dose of the unusual is a welcome one.

Here’s My Top Twenty Bizarre GAA-Related Moments!

1.
The Day The GAA Woz Robbed.
Shortly after half time on the day of the Munster Hurling Final between Cork and Clare (1977) three men armed with revolvers opened the unlocked door of the counting room in Semple Stadium, Thurles; one of the men held three officials and a nine year old boy at bay while the others helped themselves to the cash and made off with £24,000 approximately. One scallywag later remarked that had the armed men asked the officials to empty their pockets they have made off with a lot more. Theories concerning the brains behind the operation abound to this day.

2.
Where’s My Hurl?
As the 2001 All-Ireland Club Hurling Final raced to its conclusion the boys from Graigue-Ballycallan began to wobble and Athenry sensed it. Athenry would eventually win the day in extra time but in a grandstand finish in normal time Eugene Cloonan scored the equalizing goal. Only moments later, and with the benefit of the action replay, did everyone realize that in the struggle to secure the three points Cloonan had wrestled the hurl of the opposing full back away for him to deliver this killer blow.

3.
When Cork Shagged Off To The Train Station!
A Dublin v Cork Football League Semi-Final (1987) which ended in a draw. Over the PA it had been announced that extra time would be played. Cork however headed for the train station insisting that they had their tickets bought. Dublin lined out for the extra period, the ball was thrown in and Dublin sauntered down the field was the easiest goal Barney Rock ever scored. For once Frank Murphy failed to get his way in the smoky committee rooms.

4.
Kerry & Bendix.
A week before the 1985 All-Ireland final the Kerry panel stripped off, wrapped themselves in towels and posed around a Bendix washing machine in a Tralee dressing room. The following Sunday, several newspapers carried a full-page advertisement of the scene with the accompanying slogan: ‘only Bendix could whitewash this lot.’ It was intended to mark the beginning of a three-year campaign with Bendix which would generate funding to improve the GAA grounds in Kerry. The deal caused absolute ructions.

5.
Jimmy Cooney’s Lost Minutes.
The 1998 All-Ireland Hurling Semi-Final between Clare and Offaly. As the Clare men clung to a three point lead, Galway referee Jimmy Cooney blew the game with two minutes of normal time remaining. By the time he realized his mistake he had been ushered from the field. The Offaly fans staged a sit-in and won the replay in Thurles.

6.
When Tipperary Invented The Media Ban.
The now defunct Irish Press ran a photograph on the front page which recorded a dust-up in the league final between Tipp and Kilkenny in 1968. The headline underneath asked: ‘is this sport?’ Later in the year as Tipp prepared for their All-Ireland final against Wexford, certain journalists were banned from Tipp training sessions. In response the NUJ instructed its members not to refer to the Tipp players by name in reports.

7.
The Three Stripes Affair.
Before the Munster Football Final (1976) Cork were generously offered a set of Adidas jerseys. The sight of the logo sent county board officials into convulsions and with a mere twenty minutes before the throw-in tape was being attached to the cloth while officials pleaded unsuccessfully with the players to wear the traditional blood and bandage.

8.
You’re Off!
Changes in GAA refereeing legislation always ensure pandemonium. 1999 saw the introduction of the modern red card/yellow card ‘cautioning’ system. The interpretation of Cork ref Niall Barrett left a lot to be desired in a Leinster championship tie between Carlow and Westmeath. Barrett dished out fourteen yellow cards and gave six the line, four from Carlow.

9.
Two Yellows You’re Off!
All-Ireland Minor Football Semi-Final (2000) Cork v Derry. Cork midfielder Kieran Murphy received two yellows but Roscommon referee Gerry Kinneavy neglected to send him off. Quick to notice the mistake the Cork bench substituted Murphy and proceeded to win the game. The miss was of course highlighted to the referee in the aftermath, Frank Murphy however arrived into the Cork dressing room and instructed them not to worry about anything and to prepare for the final as best they could, and he would ‘sort it out.’ The Cork minors went on the win the All-Ireland.

10.
The Maverick.
The Roscommon keeper Shane Curran has built himself quite a reputation. As legend has it while on trial with Manchester United the Connacht man assured Alec Ferguson that if the Scot thought he had trouble with Paul McGrath he was now in for something entirely different. Curran’s most enduring claim to fame however comes from the Connacht Minor Final (1989). As the game against Galway drew to its conclusion Roscommon trailed by a point, crucially they were awarded a penalty. Curran, lining out at wing forward, was more than enthusiastic about taking it. After a brief conversation between those interested another player lined up to take it while Curran hovered nearby. At the very last moment however Curran sprinted past and blasted his shot home. Reputably Curran had a comment to make as sprinted to the placed ball: ‘I told you I was f*****g taking it.’ The ref involved blew the whistle immediately, Roscommon assumed they had won and headed off to collect the cup. The Galway boys agreed to a replay, which Roscommon won.

11.
Get Off For God’s Sake!
The All-Ireland Football Final 1995. Dublin’s Charlie Redmond was sent off by Tipp’s Paddy Russell against Tyrone. Obstinate to the last Charlie stayed on the field for the next few minutes before Russell spotted him and corrected the oversight. Tyrone lost by a point and to their eternal credit made no official complaint.

12.
The Kerry Family Jewels.
The Munster Football Final between Cork and Kerry and centre back Conor Counihan takes it upon himself to feel up Jack O’Sé’s privates, Vinny Jones style, and on live TV too. A near riot ensued with the Bomber Liston distinguishing himself with the haymakers he delivered in the ensuing melée.

13.
The Day Enon Gavin Brought The House Down.
The Connacht Football Final (1992) between Mayo and Roscommon. In the excitement Enon took it upon himself to swing out of a crossbar only for it to give way and come crashing down. Apparently Enon still gets the traditional ribbing about the whole affair to this day.

14.
The Battle Of Aughrim.
Laois v Wicklow (1986). Laois to their delight had just won the National League and considered their first round clash with Wicklow a minor detail. Carthage Buckley from Offaly was the unfortunate referee. Wicklow didn’t stand back to admire the ambitions of the Laois men. The Laois players got a little frustrated with the whole affair and three of same got the line. The Laois fans chased the referee from the field at the final whistle which of course greeted a famous Wicklow win.

15.
That Feckin’ Eejagh!
Many moons ago when The Sunday Game decided to do a feature on the GAA careers of famous Irish people Mick Hand told a story about a visit to Inniskeen he made at the behest of RTE. Hand was instructed to assess the locals memories of the poet Patrick Kavanagh. A couple of local ould lads soon opened his eyes. They remembered Kavanagh not for his poetry but for his ineptitude in the goal. They described Patrick as a ‘f****n eegah’ and described the scene of a crucial game which occurred on a particularly hot day. With play at the opposite end Kavanagh spotted an ice cream vendor and trotted over to indulge himself, in the mean time however the opposition raced up the field to score the winning goal. Kavanagh’s name was synonymous with infamy in Monaghan thereafter.

16.
The Meath Calamity?
Meath v Kerry All-Ireland Semi-Final 1986. Brian Stafford is dispossessed out the field. Ogie Moran drills a hopeful ball forward. Mick Lyons, Joe Cassells and Mickey McQuillan all decide to go for the one ball. Roguishly Lyons tries to push Ger Power (Kerry) out of the way, but collides with the advancing McQuillan while Cassells is tripped by Lyons outstretched leg. The ball bounces helpfully into Power’s path and the resultant goal decides the course of the encounter.

17.
Why Paddy Cullen Has Such A Good Sense Of Humour!
Dublin leads Kerry (1978). Cullen advances off his line to deal with an easy clearance. He collects and fists to Robbie Kelleher but brushes off Kerry’s Ger Power on his way back to the house. Kildare ref Seamus Aldridge blows for a free. The gentleman he is Kelleher hands the ball to Mikey Sheehy while Cullen argues with Aldridge. A realization hits Cullen. The Dublin publican later described that he could ‘see in his face what he was going to do.’ But perhaps Con Houlihan made a better description: ‘Cullen raced back to the goal not unlike a woman who could smell something burning in her oven.’ Kerry went on to win by seventeen points.

18.
Ken Hogan’s Boob.
The 1993 All-Ireland Semi-Final, Tipp v Galway. Although only trailing by two points the Connacht men were making little headway and as Michael McGrath lobbed a hopeful ball forward, which would drop short, Ger Canning was already bored. The current Tipp manager Ken Hogan must have taken pity on the tribesmen. The weak looping effort bounced in front of the Lorrha man and instead of coming off his chest and down to his hurl as intended it struck him on the shoulder and trickled home. Galway won.

19.
Anyone Seen Sam?
In 1959 Kerry won their 19th All-Ireland, and the great Mick O’Connell must have been bored with the whole affair. After hammering Galway that September day O’Connell as captain was responsible for Sam Maguire but left it in the dressing room. O’Connell had been married the previous day and perhaps there was something else on his mind. Sam rested among the kit bags for a few hours before someone asked about its whereabouts.

20.
Get Me To The Match On Time!
The Longford footballers had their patience well and truly tested in 2001. Forty minutes before their big day out against Dublin in Croke Park there was no sign of the team bus. Luckily they thumbed a lift off the Na Fianna Camogie team. When they arrived at Croker, kit on shoulders, security asked them some harsh questions. Bizarrely a mere six days later in the qualifier series against Wicklow they were again stranded. At the team hotel the panel waited out front while the bus waited out back. Again they lost.

Notable absentees would include the Effin Eddie phenomenon, Paul Donnelly throwing James McCartan’s boot into the crowd during an Ulster Championship clash, and a referee finding himself in the boot of a car after a contentious Wicklow club football match.

Longford County Jokes

Letter from a Longford kid to Mum and Dad.

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the
Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army
quick before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed
until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make
your bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no
calves to feed, no feed to stack---nothing.

Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to
see what ya doing. Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no
fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that
time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march',
just like walking to the well in the meadow.

This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter. I keep getting medals for
shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody bull's head and it
doesn't move and its not firing back at you like the Murphys did when our
bull got their cow pregnant before the Granard show. All you gotta do
is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't
even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and you don't have to
steady yourself against the rollbar of the tractor when you reload.

Then you gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz
they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the
other local fellas all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from Dublin - he's 6
foot 8 and 120 kilos and I'm 5 foot six and 65 kilos, but I fought to the
end. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word
gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Christine.

-----
Get Me To The Match On Time!The Longford footballers had their patience well and truly tested in 2001. Forty minutes before their big day out against Dublin in Croke Park there was no sign of the team bus. Luckily they thumbed a lift off the Na Fianna Camogie team. When they arrived at Croker, kit on shoulders, security asked them some harsh questions. Bizarrely a mere six days later in the qualifier series against Wicklow they were again stranded. At the team hotel the panel waited out front while the bus waited out back. Again they lost.

Lonely Planets description of Hurling!

This is the Lonely Planets description of Hurling!


Hurling, Ireland
Hurling isn't what the Irish do when they've had too much Guinness (well, not always). It's actually a mad kind of aerial hockey invented to make the English feel embarrassed about tiggy-touchwood soccer. If you haven't had the twisted pleasure of seeing this example of man's inhumanity to man, head to the Emerald Isle - but keep your head down. This 15-century-old activity pulls no punches.

A hurling match is perhaps the fastest spectator sport in the world (with only ice hockey matching it for up-close frenzy). From a distance it resembles a roaming pack-fight between men with thin pale legs and names like Liam and Sean. At ground level it's much more frightening, a kind of 15-a-side escape from the asylum. Hurling is rapid, breakneck and rambunctious. The game moves too fast for the novice to understand anything but the most basic rules, but you can start by imagining an egg-and-spoon race with a pack of enormous angry stick-wielding roosters charging the leader. The aim is to hurtle a pellet-hard ball called a sliotar into goals using a stick with a paddle at its end (hurley). The players balance the sliotar on their hurley and then run, hit or bounce it forward, sometimes with all limbs attached.

It's when the ball falls loose into a pack that the bravery (or
stupidity) of the combatants becomes clear. The running game becomes like a stationery game of no-rules hockey as players run in swinging their hurleys in the manner of a lumberjack on speed. Whacks to the shins are common, as is the occasional broken hand as some poor soul actually tries to pick the sliotar up out of this chaos.

The best place to see hurling is the atmospheric Croke Park in Dublin.
It's the home of the GAA - hurling's governing body - and the Scene of high-attendance finals matches. For those with an interest in the game's long history, Croke Park also hosts a high-tech museum. Of course, with the Irish being such great travelers, there's probably a game going on near you this weekend too.

Golf V Hurling

When I see lads swinging sideline cuts over the bar I always think of millionaire professional golfers wigglin and jigglin and holdin their heads still and addressing the ball and all that malarkey while some lad holds up a big sign sayin "Silence" in case anybody would talk and put him off and how many times do they hook it into a river or something?

A man like Adrian Fenlon can just take a race at it with a lump of an ash plant and thousands of mad ho*rs screamin at him and he lamps it between the posts well over 50 yards away, no bother and he's not holdin out his hand for a big cheque for it.

That reminds me of the story about the big golf tournament that was on the telly when Tiger or someone had a 30 foot putt to win the thing. He sank it and the place went wild. Some fella turned to the GAA fan beside him to say 'wasn't that amazing' and the response came - 'tis aisy enough when dere's no wan markin' yew'."

Where else would you get it?

Wexford County Jokes

"We've won one All-Ireland in a row" -- Wexford Fan in 1996.

Cavan County Jokes

(Cavan people will have heard this before)
It was a Cavan league game a few years ago. Cathal Collins was making his debut for the Blues. A well-known Cavan supporter when asked his opinion on the debutant was heard to say on the way out the gate, "Bejaysus, they shot the wrong fuckin Collins"
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'They have a forward line that couldn't punch holes in a paper bag' -- Pat Spillane on the Cavan football team

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I shot a Cavan Cow

I do not know what the hell they are doing up in Cavan.. but mistaking a cow for a fox or rabbit is unforgivable. Its not as if they were city folk (as they dont even ahve downs in Cavan) so its must have been a druken mistake. Anyway its a laugh.


Click on the picture to see it in its original size

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A Monaghan Footballer (no not a woman!), a meath Footballer and a Cavan Footballer (obviously played in the 50's!) were out fishing on Lough Sheelin one day when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in their boat.

The boys were gob-smacked! "Jaysus" was all they could say in dumb harmony!

The monaghan man said humbly (Yeah right!) "Jesus, me back's been at me ever since I played U16 football against Meath many moons ago. Can you do anything for me? Jesus touched his back and he was relieved of the pain for the first time in 44 years.

The Meath man, sporting a pair of thick black rimmed glases with milk-bottle-end lens, "I haven't seen the stout in front of me since I got a hit in the 1965 under-21 championship match against Dublin. What can you do for me." Jesus gently removed the antique glasses and flung them into the lake and immediately the Meath man could see as far as the Tower of Lloyd in Kells.

Jesus then turned to the Cavan man who leapt to the back of the boat and cried "Don't put a finger on me - I'm on a disability pension!"

Laois County Jokes

I mentioned this a year ago or so about a barrell of a man who was very much involved in Laois GAA and at a junior football match in Abbeyleix one noight he went on just to make up numbers, remember seeing the jersey pulled on and playing with the socks around the trousers and someone elses boots? Anyway he was running around but the low stature was telling and one of the lads shouted at him, "For Fcuks sake Sabu (his nick name) will you go up for the ball to which the reply was "sure I'm not a fcuking eejit, won't it come down to me"

Another one was when a player at a hurling match went to handpass the ball out to one of his half-backs and the opposing forward nipped in and stuck it in the net. The shout from the line went "For Jaysus sake, why don't you try and pass it to one of your own?" to which the player responded "Oh, we have a fucking comedian in the crowd" only to be told "We don't need a comedian in the crowd there are fifteen you ye out there!

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Laois Minors getting very hot and bothered

Offaly County Jokes

Eugene McGee: Well, what happened
Offaly player late for training: Oh, the wheel fell off my mobile home.
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Some of ye may know the announcer in Tullamore a few years ago (Not sure if he's there now) but at the County final a few years ago just after the band played the National song and all that they were heading off the pitch. So the tension is begining to rise witht he crowd getting a bit vocal and the announcer comes on the speaker, all ready yo get into action, and says "For God sake will the band ever get off the pitch the games about to start".

Same lad another day during a National league game at a similar time but this time not as into the game comes on and says "Ref, Ref hold the game there for a second, the ladies toilets are down here on the right etc". Priceless when yer there and that lad comes on.
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Sheep in a heap' -- Babs Keating description of Offaly in 1998

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'We're taking this match awful seriously. We're training three times a week now, and some of the boys are off the beer since Tuesday' - Offaly hurler quote in the week before a Leinster hurling final vs. Kilkenny

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Lovely enigma that is Offaly.
By Tom Humphries

This is a funny business. In theory, there is no cheering in the press box, but things colour your prose some colour other than purple. Some teams you detest. Some teams you respect. Some teams you develop such a big soft spot for that it makes your keyboard go mushy if you aren't careful.

Every journalist I know likes the Offaly hurlers. If you've a romantic bone in your body you'd have to. Take yesterday. Fed up to the gills with Babs Keating pulling across their shins with his accusation that they have nothing filling their jerseys number eight to 15, they go out and make an ape of Babs by demonstrating they'd nothing from numbers one to eight. Only Offaly would have the sense of humour to do it.

It was an Offaly hurler, indeed, who told me in response to a question once that, yes indeed, he had come from a GAA-orientated family: he had an uncle who played for Galway. And what was his name, I asked. Pen poised. Uncle Frank he said.

I think it's because things in Offaly are so dishevelled that we like them. We've had All-Ireland press nights down there where the players have wandered out onto the field like 15 black sheep, taken a look around and ambled back in again. There's never a press ban or a shortage of good talkers; it's just a question of finding the lads in the right mood.

In the era when the fitness Nazis run hurling, Offaly is the only county where an exasperated player will grab you by the lapel and say, listen, we've been training two nights a week for this and some of the lads are off the drink since Tuesday.

It was a strange experience watching them be dismantled by a Kilkenny team which seemed to grow an inch taller with every ball that hit the net yesterday. Offaly are a team with no medium setting. They either run full throttle or they don't run at all. Yesterday they didn't really run at all, but their crowd in the sun-kissed stand were hoping till well into the second half that somebody somewhere would flick a switch.

Nobody did, and in the last five minutes the Offaly people got the message and decided to make the best of it and leave early to beat the traffic. The old hatreds that consume other teams wash over this Offaly side. Most teams are at their best when it's payback time. Offaly are at their best when they feel like it.

Yesterday's second half had little spells of listlessness which allowed the mind to wander. Looking across at Hill 16 it scarcely seemed 19 years since I stood there with my best friend watching Offaly win their first Leinster title in a mostly empty stadium.

We had just done the Leaving Cert and were waiting for the results to detonate our lives. My mate had captained the school hurling team to a Dublin championship not many weeks previously, and I remember him looking across as Offaly got the cup and wondering what it must be like to end a famine like that.

That was the end of schooldays and pretty much the end of going to matches together. The hurling world changed pretty much as drastically as our own after that. I can remember myself and same mate blagging our way into the Cork dressingroom after the 1977 All-Ireland and executing a pincer movement on Jimmy Barry-Murphy in order to beg, steal or borrow one of his hurls from him.

I'm not sure how much dumb gall it took to climb through the barbed wire which fenced off the terraces and get into the Cork dressing-room, but on my part at least the charm offensive on JBM was slightly hypocritical. He was a superstar whose eminence raised him above the business of county affiliations, which was lucky because I had come to Croke Park as an ardent Wexford fan that day. If JBM had just yielded his hurl or his jersey I would have gone home happy in the knowledge that I had the souvenir of an icon and that Wexford would be back.

It was that sort of perspicacity which cut me out for my present profession.

After Offaly shook the world three years later – or the 9,500 or so of its population who bothered to turn up – my mate and I went home like satisfied young men who had seen something freaky at the circus and never expected to see such a thing again. But Offaly never stopped coming back, and the eight Leinster championships they have filched since that day put an end to the notion of there being a big two in Leinster.

You could have taken us for a fair few shillings that afternoon if you told us that Offaly and Kilkenny would be meeting in the last Leinster final of the millennium, as All-Ireland champions playing Leinster champions, and we wouldn't see Wexford win another Leinster title until 1996.

By then I'd come to respect the unlikely sophistication of Offaly civilisation. I lived two years in Ranelagh in a flat below three Offaly men, and I remember the night of the 1985 All-Ireland final as being full of brutal reminders about how highly evolved society was in Offaly and how Neanderthal we Dubs were. The point was amplified by the means of a drunken puc about on the middle of Beechwood Avenue. Great men.

It seems fitting – if baffling for Darwinians – that out of the hard-working, mullocking team of the 1980s that Offaly should have bred the lithe wonders who populate the present team. On the days when they feel like playing there is no team in the country like them. Picking those days is like winning money against a three-card trickster.

Last summer I found myself in Johnny Pilkington's office just outside Birr listening to him yarning on about hurling and its Offaly hinterland. Pilkington should have his own radio programme; he's one of those characters you could listen to all day.

Anyway, I had it in my head to explore the issue of the Offaly team's cordial relationship with the demon drink. In the era of fitness fanaticism, Offaly have a nuanced standpoint on this business. Johnny has thoughts on this matter which should give dieticians bad hangovers. In short, he feels that he plays an amateur game and there are some things he'll sacrifice for that and sometimes a couple of pints might be one of those things and sometimes not.

Ain't nobody's business but Johnny's, of course, but that doesn't make good copy, so I pressed him until eventually he asked, not unreasonably, if the piece was going to be more about my attitude to drink than his. And I apologised and said sure the theme on fitness etc had gone off the rails and Johnny sat back, waved his hand and said no, not at all, don't worry. And with a little grin he lit up a fag in the afternoon sun.

Yesterday was a little jolt for Offaly, but the dressing room was open for callers as usual and the chit chat was about what was further down the road.

Maybe they'd ride their luck and get Antrim in the quarter-final. And lo, it came to pass.

Jaysus, you'd have to like the hoors.


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Offfaly Hurlers

Taken during 2006

Notice the ibred similarity .........




Click on the picture to see it in its original size

Sligo County Jokes

Paddy McCormack (digging a hole along the ground with his boot): You're young Kearins, from Sligo. I presume you expect to go back to Sligo this evening. Mickey Kearins: Hopefully.
McCormack: Well, if you don't pass the mark, you have a fair chance of getting back.

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He wouldn't see a foul in a henhouse. Frustrated Sligo fan's judgement of the ref after the 2002 Connacht final.

There are two things in Ireland that would drive you to drink. GAA referees would drive you to drink and the price of drink would drive you to drink. Another Sligo fan at the same match.

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At a Roscommon-Sligo FBD game a couple of years ago the ref was about to throw in. Realising there was no football in the middle of the pitch he shouted over to the Sligo dugout 'Sligo..Sligo..a football' to which came the roar 'Ara ref..sure everyone knows there's no football in Sligo'


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Micheal O Muircheartaigh Masterpieces

"I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner street this morning and the omens seem to be good for them, the priest was wearing the same colours as the Sligo jersey! 40 yards out on the Hogan stand side of the field Ciaran Whelan goes on a rampage, its a goal. So much for religion."

Tyrone County Jokes

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Red card mayhem sparks GAA probe
ADVERTISEMENT

Martin

Breheny

GAA chiefs woke up with another violent headache today.

Dublin and All-Ireland champs Tyrone are likely to face a major disciplinary probe after the serious outbreaks of violence that marred the National Football League tie in Omagh against Dublin on the 5th of february 2006.

Four players - two from each side - were sent off while nine others were booked in a game that spun out of control. Tyrone midfielder Colin Holmes was dismissed but referee Paddy Russell later sent off Tyrone's Stephen O'Neill and Dublin's Denis Bastic. The ugly atmosphere prevailed all the way to the finish of a match Dublin won by 1-9 to 1-6.

"God Almighty couldn't have refereed that game," said Tyrone manager Mickey Harte

Pictures from that match here

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I warned the boys they couldn't go through the league unbeaten, and, unfortunately, they appear to have listened to me! - Tyrone's Art McRory after losing a league match.

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My Dad told me you were the man that lost the All-Ireland for Tyrone! -Young fan to Iggy Jones.

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Tyrone need to link Sam to proud past.
By Keith Duggan
September 27th 2003


It was a Co Tyrone man, William Gentles, a private stationed at Fort Robinson in Nebraska, who was officially listed as having slain the most revered of all the Native Americans, Crazy Horse.

This was in 1877, when the US army had all but succeeded in fencing off swathes of the prairie lands from the Plains Indians so that even the most independent of chiefs, like Crazy Horse, had brokenly agreed to live out their days on the army-controlled agencies.

The Oglala Sioux leader was coaxed into Fort Robinson on the promise of holding a meeting with the general in charge there, Luther Bradley, but once inside, he was escorted to a guard house, his first and only time in a confined room.

Pandemonium followed; the Indian panicked and tried to slash his way out with a knife he had secreted under his blanket, hundreds of Agency Indians had gathered outside the jail, a Captain Kennington screamed orders to strike the prisoner down and Crazy Horse was bayoneted, falling backwards with the words, "He has killed me now."

It was hardly Gentles's fault. The presence of Crazy Horse, even in life a mythical figure who routed Custer's Seventh Cavalry at the Battle of the Little Bighorn a summer earlier, meant that what would have been a routine escort became a highly-charged incident.

Today, a simple plaque marks the point where the Sioux legend fell. Fort Robinson is a state park now and in winter is bleak and sparse country. A couple of years ago I stood at the plaque on a midweek afternoon and it was impossible to have ever imagined such commotion having taken place against a landscape where nothing seemed to move.

Even in this cyber age that corner of Nebraska feels achingly lonely. So how utterly removed from home, from his memory of Tyrone, it must have been for William Gentles, whose name would have gone unrecorded by history but for his posting that day.

A year after Crazy Horse fell, Gentles died of asthma at the age of 48 and possibly because of that, he was conveniently identified as the key man in the messy circumstances. Yet he must have had a spirit of adventure close to that of Crazy Horse, this William Gentles, to have made the crossing from his village in Tyrone to end his days during an American frontier period so loud and colourful and often terrible that it simply cannot be exaggerated.

Of course, Tyrone folk were no strangers to making imaginative and physical leaps across the big pond. Thomas Mellon left the county to make his fortune in the US and his son Andrew was one of the key figures behind the Golden Gate Bridge. Ulysses S Grant, leader of the Union army in the Civil War and the 18th president of the USA, visited the ancestral home of his grandfather John Simpson in Ballygawley in 1878. The homestead still stands outside Omagh.

Woodrow Wilson, president of the US during the first World War was also acutely aware of his Tyrone lineage; his grandfather had been a printer in Strabane. And it was a Tyrone man, John Dunlap, who officially printed the first draft of the Declaration of Independence.

Not that we have to point in far-flung directions in order to stumble on auspicious Tyrone men; this newspaper's title has become synonymous with the Myles Na Gopaleen column that first appeared in the 1940s, which were of course the work of Strabane's Flann O'Brien.

There are countless more examples of Tyrone spirit and bravery and industry. And yet has there ever existed such a sense of self in the county as prevails this weekend? Has Tyrone ever felt so special, so alive? For all its famous and charismatic forefathers, nothing will complete Tyrone's sense of self as much as an All-Ireland senior football title.

That mad and beautiful fact is a reflection on the championship as much as the county. In the past five years, the All-Ireland football championship has become a beast, an epic, congested sporting contest spanning five months and consistently drawing crowds matching anything in Europe.

What makes it so wonderful is that it has no sense of its own scale, no respect for boundaries or population. It simply should not be enticing the numbers it does week in, week out.

I think there is a great symmetry in the fact that the bigger and bolder it gets, the more parochial it becomes. Armagh against Tyrone is as local as a row over a girl outside a chipper.

The initial scepticism about a pairing that was openly labelled the "Final from Hell" earlier this summer has ebbed and the country at large has slowly become intrigued when neighbouring counties famed for their squabbles in the hothouse of Clones get the big stage all to themselves.

This will be the third time in as many decades that Tyrone will attempt to solder a link between itself and the Sam Maguire. Although 1995 will be remembered for the doomed virtuoso attempts of Peter Canavan, it is Tyrone's 1986 final against Kerry that captured the imagination.

That game and Tyrone's presence in it mattered to all of the Ulster counties and, one imagines to virtually all of Connacht as well. Daring to take on Kerry back then was like walking a tightrope without a safety net. Reality seemed suspended during that first half when Tyrone - a team that was lean and, given the drizzle that fell continuously over Ireland from 1981-87, inexplicably tanned - ran at a great, if aged, Kerry team with a pure and cavalier spirit. (Incidentally, Crazy Horse was perhaps the only great Native American never photographed, as he believed the camera flash imprisoned the soul. He believed the spirit was incarnate and that he would return in other guises. It seems abundantly clear now that the dude ultimately came back as Plunkett Donaghy).

Such was the steep Southern tilt of the All-Ireland football championship then - it was as if a magnetic force prevented the cup from venturing any further north than Dublin - that Tyrone's valiant push challenged the accepted order.

And, of course, the accepted order prevailed and Tyrone's disintegration during the second half made the possibility of an Ulster breakthrough more remote than ever.

Now, of course, Ulster has busted out for good. Ulster will fight and Ulster will be right. The particulars of tomorrow's final could not be more loaded or potentially sweet for Tyrone. A victory means that not only do they at last pass through the gates of GAA heaven, they get to deny their neighbours on the way through.

Smiling through gritted teeth as Armagh enjoyed the unsurpassable elation of a first All-Ireland was one thing. Having to share the same field and ground on the day they may capture their second would be a new low entirely. So the scene is set for a county with many famous sons to take its place among football's elite.

Lore has it that after the Battle of the Little Bighorn, one of the Sioux observed that the fight lasted "about as long as it takes a hungry man to eat his dinner".

Tomorrow, it may take a little longer.


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Peter The Great



Click on the picture to see it in its original size

Derry County Jokes

We're taking you off but we're not bothering to put on a sub. Just having you off will improve our situation. - Manager to a club player in Derry.

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Hurry up and make a decision, ref. I have to go home to bale the hay! The late Michael Young during a club game in Derry as the ref dithered about whether to award a penalty.

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When Joe Brolly is winning, he's objectionable. When he's blowing kisses, he's highly objectionable. - Cavan fan


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A Day in the life of a Kerry pundit on RTE

Another Monday, another cheque in the back pocket from RTE thanks to my witty, outrageous and controversial 'Monday Feedback' corner on the Monday Game. The moneys good but it would want to be - dragging me up to this shitheap everyweek away from my beautiful Kingdom. On the upside though, I was backstage in 'makeup' this evening, when who should walk in but Sharon Ni Bheoilan,the chick from the News. I wouldn't mind goingup for a 50/50 ball with her-if you catch my meaning. I think I'll give her a signed copy of my excellent autobiography -that usually has the babes begging for some Kingdom-Love. I don't know why I have to go into makeup anyway,they usually sit me beside those gobshites O'Rourke and Lyster in the studio - sure no makeup could clean those two cunts up -especially O'Rourke, the fuckwit looks like some horrible genetic experiment gone wrong.I read through my emails, phonecalls and letters - you know I don't like Clare fuckers but that psycho Loughnane made one good point in his life - its only nutters that bother ringing into these programs -they should get a life - in fact I think I'll bring that into my rant this evening. Joe Brolly is the other guest tonight, the nordy cunt. Thinks he's as outspoken as me, what the fuck would he know - with only one All-Ireland tohis name. Lyster, that smarmy bollix seems to like him though -I don't trust that fucker. Apparently Brolly is a barrister, what kind of nordy Catholic is a barrister? an orange one, I'd say. He'll take some watching.

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At at Reserve game in county Derry one team who had only the bars fifteen trotted off at the break getting pretty badly beaten and Johnny at full forward was having a nighmare...here is part of the have time talk.

Manager - Johnny, your coming off

Johnny - but we only have the bare 15.

[short pause]

Manager - come on off anyway

Armagh County Jokes

That's the first time I've seen anybody limping off with a sore finger! Armagh's Gene Morgan to 'injured' teammate Pat Campbell.

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I cant find any Armagh GAA Jokes
An old man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes. So he wrote to his son about his predicament. The son sent the reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried the guns!!!!!" At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what he should do now? The son sent the reply: "NOW plant the potatoes!"

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New casino opening in Crossmaglen called Oisins Eleven.

Fermanagh County Jokes

Fermanagh has such a small playing base. Half the county is made up of water and half of the remaining half are Protestants. - Fermanagh fan bemoans the paucity of talent.

Clare County Jokes

THE LEGEND Matthew McMahon, Clare FM MATTHEW McMAHON began the cult. It was McMahon's verbal antics during Clare's All-Ireland winning year of 1995 which propelled him and his profession into the limelight. Nine years on and some of the phrases still call neck hairs to attention. "It's all over ... Clare are ... Jeeeesus!!" - the Mills man exploded after the Munster final win.

Better was to come for both the county and the commentator on All-Ireland final day at Croke Park. "The cigarettes are being lit here in the commentary box. The lads are getting anxious. It's a line ball down there to Clare and who is to take it? ... Will ye put 'em out lads! Ye'll choke me." The voice is still kept busy - working weekends with Clare FM while selling cattle through the week for marts across the Banner county.

"Oh yeah, people still remember me covering the '95 campaign," he laughs. "I am told it will be on my headstone!"

McMahon had been spotted five years earlier during his day job by Marty Morrissey, who was then working for Clare FM. His first game was, ironically, a county football final and his fondest early memories of the job are all related to the big ball.

"I went to Croke Park for a ladies' All-Ireland final in the early 1990s and it was like going to Mars. It was just such a strange experience to be commentating on a Clare team winning an All-Ireland final in this huge stadium. Then, of course, there was 1992 and the Munster final win over Kerry. In Clare, we had always hoped that the hurlers would come good but there was never such hope for the footballers.

"But to win and to be Kerry doing so ... and they came very, very close to winning that semi-final."

But it was hurling, not football, where McMahon felt most at home. A lifelong supporter, he brought all such emotional baggage to listeners around the world. That was crucial.

"Nothing would equal winning the Munster final for the first time in 1995. I had followed Clare since 1967. I was going to all those Munster championship games as a Clare hurling supporter and I remember the pain and the hurt and the disappointment.

"I love the game and those who play the game. Then I found myself lucky enough to have a microphone in front of me. So I think I was voicing the emotions of each and every Clare supporter who had endured all those years of hardship."

But he is not without his critics. Water off a duck's back to McMahon.

"I have been criticised for saying 'I call it as I see it' - but that is what I am doing. You cannot please all of the people all of the time and if you try to, you are sunk. If they weren't giving out about me, they would be giving about someone else. The biggest criticism I get is for not giving the score often enough. Funnily enough, I had someone complain about that after the Munster club hurling game between Kilmaley and Mount Sion, which the Waterford champions won well. "But then he said: 'I knew by the sound of you that it wasn't good.'" And maybe that is the mark of a great commentator.
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"I'm not giving away any secrets like that to Tipperary. If I had my way, I wouldn't even tell them the time of the throw-in" -- Ger Loughnane.

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'Ger Loughnane was fair, he treated us all the same during training-like dogs' - anonymous Clare hurler

'Any chance of an autograph? Its for the wife...she really hates you' - Tipp fan to Ger Loughnane

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'And as for you. You're not even good enough to play for this shower of useless no-hopers' --Former Clare mentor to one of his subs after a heavy defeat

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The Banner Files - a case for Mulder and Scully?
You think it all started last year when they couldn't beat us in hurling -
priests, councils, Presidents, media and 31 counties all against us? Just the
tip of the iceberg. This has been going on for centuries. Ever since Brian Boru,
took on the Vikings at Clontarf. Yes Brian, the first legend of the Dalcassians, fought
valiantly and bravely for his beloved country.

Mysteriously, but not if you're from Clare, he was allowed to be killed
just as the battle was been won. The first attempt by a vast conspiracy to
get Clare and its people. This vast anti Clare conspiracy has been going on for
ages. Throughout the struggle for Irish freedom, there were great rebellions stretching
from Tir Chonaill to Wexford and Kinsale to Dublin.

No-one ever bothered to ask Clare. We had our own and we did fine, winning
an historic election in 1917, in East Clare,(you know who's country - GL).
De Valera came along (elected in Clare), and did great, but again this anti-Clare
conspiracy saw fit to blame him for this and that.

And so the years passed by and the hurlers of Clare came to bear the brunt
of this conspiracy. Everything was done to beat us. They made us play the great
powers every year. If we beat Cork then we had to play Tipperary. They often
shared players, to try and beat us. And when we beat both like in '55, the
conspirators made it rain and upset our game plan, against Limerick.

What did Mackey say to Ring in that famous photo - "Anti-Clare conspiracy
meeting in Thurles tonight". And then we produced that wonderful team in the
seventies. About to beat Cork and the conspirators went and sent off our full back
for nothing. And again, the year after when they conspired to move the goal
posts every time our forwards tried to score.

A total set up. The 1980s saw someone make a big hole in the ground, just
as one of our forwards was about to score a winning goal. (You had to be there).
And when finally our footballers reached the promised land in 1992, the anti Clare
conspiracy contrived to have a perfect goal disallowed.

And why did Nicky laugh in '93? Because he knew about the anti-Clare
conspiracy, when none of us did. But we beat them all in '95 and '97,
the conspiracy got Ollie in '96 in order to open up the middle of the
Gaelic Grounds for Ciaran to run through.

And then '98. A new conspiracy committee was established. And you see what
they did? Everything.

-Only video evidence to be used against Clare.
-If they're winning near the end, stop the game.
(Did you know that certain fans had a secret drill on a Thursday about invading a pitch).
-Ban their best players for doing nothing.
-Make them so tired that they can't play.
-Stop their managers from talking to the players.

Well roll on '99. Don't be surprised if you see a NATO plane bomb Shannon
(by complete accident) just as the Clare team are about to embark on another
glorious voyage. Yes, they're in it too, as are the UN, the Iraqi's (won't buy our
beef) and even the Russians............this is only the tip of the iceberg
regarding the anti-Clare conspiracy.

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The Day I Met Ger Loughnane.
I have to say that I was surprised when I actually met the man yesterday at my local petrol station. I really thought he would be as obnoxious as I have always expected him to be. But he wasn't. I have to say that I found him most charming, erudite and well-spoken, almost modest in his ways, I would suggest.

We talked hurling for about half an hour as he filled his car with petrol. He said he was looking forward to the replay on Monday and that he felt Offaly and Clare would once again be fighting it out for the McCarthy cup. I asked him what he thought of Kilkenny’s challenge and he said they might struggle with a poor backline.

But how did he feel about last years controversial championship? I really wanted to know.

"I'm really really proud of this Clare hurling team," he said in that thick Clare accent of his. "It's was all the fault of those 3 priests, Waterford and the Munster Council."

So did he think Colin Lynch and co. were a little over the top at times?

"Are you looking at my wife?" he asked, suddenly fired with anger.

No, I told him, wanting to talk hurling.

Then he started swinging his fists and falling over. "Yah bbb-b- bastard!" he screamed. "Come on! I'll f-f-f-fucking kill the f-ff- fucking lot of yee, yez basssturdz. Lookin at my wife, ye dirty f-f- fucking basturd."

I suggested that perhaps he had had a little too much to drink at lunchtime.

"Drink?! Drink, is it? I will tell you this, boy. Yer f-ffucking bollix. F-f-f-ffuck offf!!"

I grabbed hold of him and tried to stop him driving away as he was clearly incapable. "You're not safe to be behind the wheel," I suggested.

"F-f-ffuck you, you f-f-ffucker! I drive b-b-better when I've hic! hic! when I've had stout. Nah f-ffuck off b-b-before I deck ya."

Then he threw up all over a patio set in front of the garage.

"Bleeeuurrgghhh! Get out and walk, ye bastard!" he cried. "F-f-ffucking chips and curry. Where am I? Ugghhh! I've pissed in me pants again."

And as the police came and ushered him into his car, sending him on his way home without even breathalysing him, I thought to myself: What a nice man.

I did hear later that he ploughed into a bus stop full of kids on their way home from a school trip, and that the survivors are being prosecuted for damaging the front wing of the great man’s car.

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Time to Stop

There was a time when Clare were getting a bit arrogrant and de Paper in cork (examiner) got letters in to say Clare were no great shakes. This is one of them.


Click on the picture to see it in its original size

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Diseased Dog...
A fanatical Clare supporter was walking his scabby little mangy diseased dog on the Monday after the defeat by Waterford. As he strolled along the beach full of despondancy, he saw a bottle which was quite unusual lying on the strand. He poked the bottle with his toe and low and behold out pops a genie.
'Your wish is my command,' said the Genie.
Startled, the Clare fan said, 'I wish this scabby little mangy diseased dog of mine be turned into a greyhound that would win The Laurels and The Derby.'
The genie took one look at the mangy little mongrel that was on its last legs and shakes his head, saying, 'That would be very difficult. Is there any other wish you have?'
The Clare supporter thought and his eyes lit up for an instant... 'I wish that Clare will win another 'All-Ireland' in the near future!!!'
The genie looked a bit taken aback for an instant. He then rubbed his beard and said...
'Would you ever give me a second look at that dog?'

Manager of the Millenium

Manager of the Millenium

This is the time of year where magazines, newspapers and other forms of mass media draw up polls of the winners and losers of the year just gone by. This year has special significance as not only is it the end of the 90's, it also marks the end of the century and more important still - the end of the Milleniun (like, not shit Sherlock!). Anyway to mark this special time, we at Anyone But The Banner Boyz have decided to compile a list of the greatest managers the GAA world has known. After drawing up our shortlist we came up with the usual suspects - Mick O etc yawn, yawn, yawn. So as this was predictably boring it was then decided to delve back into the history books the draw up a list of the famous managers in times long gone by :

Brian Boru - Him praying and the match not even finished. He got a jostle from a Dane and that was the end of it. There's no point in winning the match if tou don't live to see the homecoming

Diarmaid Mac Morragh - the fellas from outside the parish he brought in to strengthen the team took over and wouldn't go home for 700 years and some of them are still hanging around.

Aodh Rua O'Neill - nice 9-year unbeaten run but it ended in a rout when the spanish substitutes refused to hurl. At that level you can't depend on an Armada to save you.

Cathal Buí mac Giolla Gunna - chan díobhal bí ach easpa dí a d'fhág é ina luí ar chúl a chinn - surely to god he could have got in some Lucozade Sport for the big match- very poor leadership.

Fr Murphy- found his thrill on Vinegar Hill but should have thought about those hoors from the Cork militia. Ger Loughanane would have.

Robert Emmett - nice try Rob but the tactics were wrong. You need to play ground hurling with those yeomen.

Joseph Mary Plunkett - You won't get any respect from the boys with a name like Mary.

Padraig Pearse - he only had one good side as a player and as a manager his big flaw was expecting the Dubs to come out and support the team.

Charles J Haughey - a great motivator but there always seemed to be fewer sliotars at the end of the training session.

Unsung heroes of the GAA World

Unsung heroes of the GAA World

A section to honour the people and institutions that make the GAA match experience a unique event.

No 1 : The Commentators
Yes, for inane ramblings and useless statistics look no further than the commentary box during any intercounty GAA match. If you like your GAA served up to you in smooth, refined tones or perhaps a slightly more excitable, higher pitch then tune into RTE on match day for the clash of the titans - Ger Canning V Marty Morrissey. On a more local level Tipperary man Eddie Moroney has been making a name for himself with his unique style. Rumours that he is engaged in talks with RTE to cover this years All-Ireland football final are unconfirmed at this point. However,if he does come on board expect a hike in your TV License fee - talent comes at a price.

No 2 : The Umpires
There are few jobs less demanding on the GAA circuit than that of the umpire. They say a referee needs eyes on the back of his head (especially if Meath and Dublin are playing), an umpire just needs the more conventional two 'just above the nose' variety. Despite the low requirements needed it never ceases to amaze the ordinary fan how wrong umpires can be at times. We've all seen square-balls, wides signalled as points, points signalled as wides, wides not signalled at all, blatant pick-ups and various off-the-ball incidents (some involving flick-knives and broken sherry bottles - Meath and Dublin again) which the men in the white coats as a rule seem to ignore. Much to the dismay of the hardcore GAA traditionalists, sponsorship has raised its ugly head again. The GAA are currently considering a proposal from Specsavers to sponsor the match officials. They have already put forward some subtle changes in design for the famous white coats.

No 3: The Pundits
The true professionals of Gaelic Games - the former and sometimes current players who write their ghosted columns analyzing and deeply probing all aspects of the GAA world. The pundit king in GAA circles at the moment has to be Pat Spillane. The former Kerry supremo can be found haunting the back pages of the Sunday World - along side the 'Bored Housewife' ads - and also on 'The Game on Monday' - RTE's cleverly titled Monday alternative to the Sunday Game. These GAA columns always seem to lack a certain 'bite' or 'substance' - in fact they're nearly always singing from the same hymn book. It generally goes along the lines of : "We really respect Offaly\Kilkenny\Clare\Tipp (delete as appropiate). Their record over the last couple of years speaks for itself. But we're reasonably confident and we've brought in a few of the U-21's who had such a good season last year." - sound familiar?? The rectify this, we can exclusively publish extracts from the Pat Spillane diary - an account of the inner workings of a GAA pundit.

No 4: The Fights
What weekend would be in the GAA calendar would be complete without some talk of a 'schamoozle'. While the GAA tries to play them down as isolated incidents and the meeja tries to hype them up, most GAA fans sit down and wonder what all the fuss was about. Still, it brings a smile to the face when one reminices of the times that things got 'a little out of hand'. Remember the recent classics - Wexford manager JJ Barrett giving the ref a bunch of fives in a league match this year, Clare V Waterford 1998, Meath V Mayo 1996, Dublin V Offaly Leinster U-21 final 1997, Galway V Tipperary 1989 etc, etc. Anyway, to honour such occasions, here is our shrine to 'Unfortunate Incidents'.

No 5: Boggus Gaaga - the lowly club official. This was posted on the GAA discussion board and is well worthy of a place in this Hall of Fame.

No 6: Up to Dublin for the Big Day
Up on the Saturday, make the way out to the friends in Rathmines (engineers in UCD). Down to the Portobello for the beer, the crack, the beer, the women, the beer, the Sunday morning hangover, the beer, the "oh shite what did i do with me ticket" midday panic, the beer for 3 hours before the match, the "oh will i sell me ticket and stay on the beer" problem, the match, the "oh shite i wish i didn't drink so much beer so as i wouldn't have gone to the jacks and missed that goal", the post match beer, the sing-song, the beer, the take the piss out of the losers, the beer, the 11pm drunk decision to go to Coppers, the beer, the shite where are the taxis, the beer, the pick up a slapper nurse, the beer, the Monday morning hangover and then back to fecking work on Monday afternoon and have to face into another 90 hours over the next 7 days. Posted by Speed Bump on the GAA discussion board - with a few minor alterations

No 7: Boyo Redneckus - the arctypal GAA supporter. While not as prevelant nowadays, in these crazy times of Celtic Tigers, breakfast TV and foreign holidays, we feel it is only fitting that this giant of the GAA circuit be rightly recognised for his contribution to the wonderful association. So, Boyo Redneckus, This Is Your Life!. This was posted on the GAA discussion board by Irish Wildlife.

No 8: Gombeenus Ruralis - the local mover and shaker. Expects your Num. 1 on polling day. Met Charlie Haughey once in the mid 70's and doesn't believe all the shite thats been spouted about him. Get the full low down on Gombeenus Ruralis here. This was posted on the GAA discussion board by Irish Wildlife.

No 9: Attending League games on a Winter Sunday: You know the scene, standing freezing on a dark November Sunday,looking forward to the journey home in the car,with the heater on full blast,laughing heartily at Sligo beating Dublin,as the results start to filter through,and the highlight of the day,the big bowl of soup,at home in front of the fire,before anticipating an exciting evening of entertainment courtesy of Ballykissangel and Glenroe? Winter Sundays will never be the same. Yes, theres nothing like a howling gale blowing round your head, driving sleet into yer face, up to your ankles in mud and only five scores in the whole game and three of them from frees. The only comfort, and the reason you have a smirk on your rosy red face is because of the hip flask with the Jameson in it.

Unfortunatly, this will soon be a thing of the past, with the new changes to the football championship format etc - Yes, Winter Sundays will now spent buying Man Utd jerseys from the Liffey Valley shopping centre, then going home to a shoebox in Kildare and bemoaning the traffic in Dublin while reading VIP magazine and drinking a glass of chilled chardonnay and planning your winter holiday in the Alps. And they call this progress.

No 10:Pairc : the GAA fans Subbeteo. It was a GAA board game doing the rounds in the mid eighties. Basically you had a board divided into a grid that represented the pitch, each player had 15 cardboard and plastic men (the players I would suggest). There were mini goals, hoardings around the pitch etc. There were 2 dices the player in possesion would throw one dice and get to move so many squares depending on the outcome of his throw and then the other player would throw his dice and try and move one of his players close enought to challenge the figure in possesion. You had to walk the ball into the goal and you could either settle for your point or pick up a chance card and risk going for the goal.

I remember on "Anything Goes" Pat Delaney and a Galway hurler (John Connolly I'm almost sure) played a demonstration game. The Galway fella was winning by a goal and a point to nil when the credits rolled, I firmly believe that that was a defining moment in Galway hurling in the '80's, it gave them the belief that they could go up to Dublin and mix it with the big boys. Ignoring the fact that the match lasted only a couple minutes (so did the All-Ireland semi-final they allegedly won in 1980) it was an occasion that they didn't get a chance to crack in the last couple of minutes. Cyril Farrell took most of the credit for this victory, Phelim Murphy also happily accepted the plaudits. If Galway could manage another similar feat nowadays I believe they could return as a hurling power.

Wicklow County Jokes

Wicklow Knacker

Wicklow knacker walks into a Sports Shop. He says 'Howya, boss. Any jobs going, boss. lovely day, boss'.

The shop owner says, 'Listen don't call me boss. Don't call anyone boss. They will know that you're a knacker. Go home, clean yourself up and come back to me.'

Wicklow knacker goes home, gets a haircut and a suit, has a shower and comes back to the shop. 'Good afternoon sir, I was wondering would there be any vacancies in your shop at the moment' Shop owner replies, 'As it happens I do. You look very familiar'. Wicklow knacker says, 'I was in last week sir, you told me to come back'.

Shop owner: 'God, you look great! Well done! Let's do a trial run. The next customer that comes in, I will serve them and show you how it's done. Then you can have a go and we'll see how you get on'

A customer walks in. 'Hi, I was looking for a tennis racket'. Shop Owner replies, 'Is that for grass or hard surface? There is a big difference in the type of racket you need'. Customer: 'I didn't know that. Thanks a million. It's for a grass court'. Shop Owner: 'Ok then, sir. Over there on the high shelf are all the grass court rackets. Have a look and help yourself'. The customer chooses the one he likes, pays for it, thanks the shop owner and leaves the shop.

Shop Owner to the Wicklow knacker, 'Now you see how it's done. Here comes another customer. You have a go'.

Wicklow Knacker: 'Good afternoon sir. How are you today? Welcome to our shop and how can I help?'

Customer: 'Good afternoon to you too. I am looking for a baseball bat'.

Wicklow Knacker: 'No problem sir, we have a large supply. Would that be for a Wicklow Club Hurling or a Football match?'

Mayo County Jokes

Dublin Fans (and one Mayo Fan), Hill 16 Croke Park

Would make a great caption competition!!!(double click picture to increase size)

If anyone has any pictures or jokes, send them onto michael (at) gaa.irish-guy.com or leave a comment at the bottom of the page







Click on the picture to see it in its original size

Two Mayo Men
Two Mayo men are walking along Shop Street in
Galway when they see a sign which reads as follows:

Suits 15.00 euro each, shirts 2.00 euro each, trousers
2.50 euro per pair

Willie Joe says to TJ, "Look at that. We could buy a
load of that gear and when we get back to Castlebar,
we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the
shop, don't say anything. Just let me do all the talking
'cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us,
so i'll speak in my best Galway accent."

They go in and Willie Joe orders 50 suits at 15.00 each,
100 shirts at 2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50
each.

The owner of the shop says, "You're from Mayo, aren't
you?"

"Oh, . . yes, how the f*ck did you know that?" asks Willie
Joe

The owner says, "Because this is a f**king dry-cleaners . !"
---


Mid West Radio

MIKE FINNERTY

Most likely to say: "The modh Direach."

Least likely to say: "Any yet another All-Ireland title for Mayo footballers."
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John O'Mahony has given up football. He's just become Mayo manager. -Sarcastic Galway fan.

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Newsflash from Mayo Co. Board 1999
In a media release by the Mayo County Board which has both shocked and pleasantly surprised the Catholic Church, PJ McGrath, the Mayo County Chairman has confirmed that the county board are to send the Mayo ladies football team and the minors on holiday to Lanzarote next December. "We feel that both teams, after a tireless winters training and a successful summer of football, deserve the holiday regardless of the results of their respective finals." Fair enough said all at the press conference, but McGrath continued however: "In the light of the our continual annual disappointing trips to Croke Park, we have decided to try a Hitler type regime of breeding a superior race, in this case a superior footballer, a form of artificial natural selection if you like. Both teams will be sharing the same hotel and on each night we will be providing a free bar with the hope that they share more than just the hotel. In our efforts to accelerate the process of creating the perfect footballer, we will be taking it on ourselves to remove all condom machines from the toilets of the hotel. Durex have threatened to bring us to court over this but we will pay whatever the fine as we have bagfuls of money now that Maughan is no longer in charge of the mens team. While we are confident our experiment will succeed, we all have to be patient. We expect that as a result of this holiday, we will be winning senior All-Irelands by the year 2020. Potential investors in Mayo PLC note this. However, with the luck we've had on the football field recently, we will probably start an era of winning 10 womens All-irelands in a row from 2020. However, we live in hope." With that, McGrath was shot dead by a member of womens lib.

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Mayo have their good points

Now after the feck up in 2004 with Kerry and all their previous big match shakes.. its worth noting the good things that Mayo have done for Ireland. The best is given the Meath lads a good kickin in 1998. The Country was proud of ye lads. Ye did us all a service and something we have all dreamt of.


Click on the picture to see it in its original size

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Muhammad Ali Plays Hurling

Taken on All Ireland Day 2004

Where else could this lad have been born and raised.... although with the amount of freckles he had it could redioation poisoning in Belarus. He doesnt look too disappointed ... maybe he doesn't choke on the big days.


Click on the picture to see it in its original size

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Examination to become a Mayoman

Honours

PART I (Written)
Instructions to Candidates

(a) Do not attempt more than one question at a time.
(b) Do not attempt to write on both sides of the paper at the same time.
(c) On no account attempt question 3.
(d) Slide rules O.K.

N.B. Candidates caught cheating will be given extra marks for initiative.
All Candidates are requested to use separate answer books.


Time allowed: Six weeks

1. Who won the Second world war? Who came second?

2. Explain in one sentence Einstein's theory of relativity

OR

Write your name in block capitals.

3. What is the number of this question?

4. Name the odd man out: The chief Rabbi, The Pope, Jack the Ripper, The Archbishop of Canterbury.

5. At the Irish Sheepdog trials of 1972, how many sheepdogs were found guilty?

6. At what time is the nine o'clock news broadcast?

7. Spell each of the following words: DOG, CAT, PIG.

8. Write a tongue twister three times, quickly.

9. There have been six Kings of England called George. The latest was George the sixth - name the other five.

10. Quote four lines from any poem written in the English language or from any other poem written in the English language.

11. How many hairs were in Willy Joe Paddens moustache?

12. Explain the meaning of stupid ,in less than 10 words,without making reference to Galway once.

13. Write an essay on one of the following titles:- (a) Mayo is so great (b) I hate galwegians (c) Why I fear Croke Park (d) Sheep shagging, fact or fiction? (e) Do Mayo play Gaelic football or basketball?, Discus.

13. If three All Ireland final apperances = zero, why does Mayo footbal think it's so great?



PART II (Practical)
Leave the examination hall and persuade the first passer - by you meet to accompany you through life, using irony where necessary.


N.B. This is the Honours paper -- there is a special Pass version for Leitrim people...


-----
Kieron McDonald calls up John Maughan and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how
to get it started." Maughan asks, "What is it supposed to be
when it's finished?" McDonald says, "According to the picture on
the box, it's a tiger."

Maughan decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
He lets him in and shows him where he has the puzzle spread all
over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
box, then turns to him and says: - "First of all, no matter
what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces
into anything resembling a tiger." He holds McDonald by the shoulders and says,


Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and
then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box

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Mayo Prayer 2004
"Our Kieran who art in the hairdressers, hallowed be thy socks. Thy Mayo come, thou match be won, in Croker as it is in McHale. Give us this day our share of tickets and forgive us your doubters as we forget those who doubt against us. And lead us not into alcholism, but deliver us Sam this year. Amen".

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In the early nineties John Maughan had an interesting way of training
the Mayo football team. He made them push cars up hills and all manner of
quare goin's on.

One drill they did in training involved running around in a circle
doing a hand passing drill...without the ball!

One day Anthony Finnerty walks off towards the dressing room when this
drill begins.
'Pleb' Maughan: "Where are ya off ta Finnerty?"
'Dandy' Finnerty: "I'm off to get me gloves...the ball's wet."

Waterford County Jokes

You can get many of these jokes and many more at UptheDeise.com

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Don't Stop Belayvin

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What's Blue & White and goes beep beep beep?

The Waterford open top bus reversing back into the garage.

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Why are Waterford called the Deise?

Coz dey shud have won dis, dey shud have won dat.

(Works better when spoken.)
------------------------------------

During the 2007 Munster Hurling Final a Dog ran onto the field,

Some of the players made attempts to catch the dog but failed.

Eventually John Mullane approaches the Dog, The Dog lies down quietly and Mullane picks him up and make his way to the sideline and gives the dog to one of the stewards.

A fan a few rows behind me Blurts out "Isn't nature great all the same, the way that every dog knows their own"

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Typical Waterford Fan

The first Citizen of Waterford CD - heads off to the Eurovision in turkey

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Poor Kid...
Two boys are playing hurling in the people's park, when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hurl, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A local newspaper reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Waterford Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Waterford fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Waterford, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again.
"Little Wexford Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Wexford fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed you were a Wexford fan given your friend is wearing a Wexford Jersey, What team do you support?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Kilkenny fan." the child said smiling.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Little Kilkenny Rogue Kills Beloved Family Pet."


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Local Radio Broadcast Spraoi 2003...
Last August weekend Spraoi opened on Friday night despite heavy rain. On Saturday morning the sun shone clear from the heavens. The sproai organiser, asked on WLR if he was anxious about the weather, said: "Ah no. I've had a message from God. Last night's rain was a mistake. He got the date wrong. It was actually the Kilkenny Arts Festival he wanted to p*#s on."

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Letter to the Irish times...
Thu, 08 July 2004 13:11

Madam,

I was visiting your beautiful country when my country, Greece, fought its way into the European cup final by bravely defeating the favoured Czech Republic. On the following day, Friday, July 2nd, I travelled from Cork to Rosslare.

Imagine my surprise and delight to find that almost the entire route especially between the towns of Youghal and New Ross - was gloriously festooned with the blue and white colours of Greece!

Such overwhelming support of one small country for another brought tears of joy to my eyes. I wish to express my heartfelt gratitude to the Irish people for making this Greek feel so at home at such an important time for his country. - Yours, etc.,

MANOLIS ANDROPOULOS, Athens, Greece.

(Waterford were playing in the Munster final that weekend!)


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Dan Shanahan does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Dan Shanahan is pain.
Dan Shanahan counted to infinity - twice.
Dan Shanahan can slam revolving doors.
Superman owns a pair of Dan Shanahan pyjamas.
Dan Shanahan is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
Dan Shanahan can divide by zero.
If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Dan Shanahan.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Dan Shanahan says its beef, then it's beef.
Dan Shanahan has only one hand: the upper hand.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Dan.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Dan Shanahan during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
Water boils faster when Dan Shanahan watches it.
Dan Shanahan doesn't have hair on his balls, because hair does not grow on steel...!!!

Leitrim County Jokes

Leitrim Hooker

Kerry County Jokes

the Bold Maurice Fitz in action




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Taken from the front page of the Irish Times the Monday after the Cork V Kerry Championship Semi-Final

Ouch. Seamus Moynihan bites while Brendan Jer O' Sullivan Gouges

Kerry Paramedics

Kerry Skyscraper

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Q. What do Kerry footballers use for contraception?
A. Their personalities. - Cork fan.

---

THE ANALYST Weeshie Fogarty, Radio Kerry IN a sense Weeshie Fogarty is the prototypical Kerry man. The man walked the walk with county teams and now talks the talk on one of the most successful independent stations in the country.

Fogarty, who played and refereed at inter-county level, began his broadcasting career sharing the commentary booth with Liam Higgins, analysing and dissecting games for some of the most knowledgeable football fans in Gaeldom.

But you always had the feeling that the trickle of words was about to become a raging torrent. It duly did with the creation of Terrace Talk - a weekly programme devoted firstly to all things GAA, even if the agenda is broader these days.

Though the programme has a string of national awards, it has not lost its local feel, with Fogarty's easy-going Killarney tones directing operations.

"I feel that I am after filling a niche in local radio," he admits. "I deviate from the way in which GAA is traditionally dealt with. I come at if from a different perspective as I bring in GAA personalities and talk about their lives and their careers not just the games they played in.

"To hear people like Mick O'Connell or Mick O'Dwyer talking to their own people is an amazing thing. I let them tell their stories and it is wonderful.

"I wouldn't be sensational or courting controversy. These guys are only amateurs. If they were professionals, it would be a different thing."

But Fogarty is not afraid to say the controversial thing in his role as co-commentator. He has seen many incredible days including three All-Ireland SFC final wins. But there is one trip to Croke Park which still causes him pain.

"The Kerry-Meath semi-final in 2001, when they were hammered, was one of the worst defeats I ever had to commentate on. The team were simply stuck to the ground. It was incredible. I thought they were tired looking and embarrassing. All I could do was to keep saying that. When we are analysing games from high up, you see moves that be should be made but aren't and you grow frustrated and disheartened."

But for all the criticisms and complaints directed towards local radio, Fogarty makes the following final call: "Can you imagine if all the local radio stations closed tomorrow morning - there would be bedlam. Doing a match, you are talking about history in front of your eyes and you are in the position to record that for so many people. It has revolutionised football in Kerry and, indeed, nationwide."

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The Kerry Family Jewels.
The Munster Football Final between Cork and Kerry and centre back Conor Counihan takes it upon himself to feel up Jack O’Sé’s privates, Vinny Jones style, and on live TV too. A near riot ensued with the Bomber Liston distinguishing himself with the haymakers he delivered in the ensuing melée.

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The Meath Calamity?
Meath v Kerry All-Ireland Semi-Final 1986. Brian Stafford is dispossessed out the field. Ogie Moran drills a hopeful ball forward. Mick Lyons, Joe Cassells and Mickey McQuillan all decide to go for the one ball. Roguishly Lyons tries to push Ger Power (Kerry) out of the way, but collides with the advancing McQuillan while Cassells is tripped by Lyons outstretched leg. The ball bounces helpfully into Power’s path and the resultant goal decides the course of the encounter.
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Why Paddy Cullen Has Such A Good Sense Of Humour!
Dublin leads Kerry (1978). Cullen advances off his line to deal with an easy clearance. He collects and fists to Robbie Kelleher but brushes off Kerry’s Ger Power on his way back to the house. Kildare ref Seamus Aldridge blows for a free. The gentleman he is Kelleher hands the ball to Mikey Sheehy while Cullen argues with Aldridge. A realization hits Cullen. The Dublin publican later described that he could ‘see in his face what he was going to do.’ But perhaps Con Houlihan made a better description: ‘Cullen raced back to the goal not unlike a woman who could smell something burning in her oven.’ Kerry went on to win by seventeen points.

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Anyone Seen Sam?
In 1959 Kerry won their 19th All-Ireland, and the great Mick O’Connell must have been bored with the whole affair. After hammering Galway that September day O’Connell as captain was responsible for Sam Maguire but left it in the dressing room. O’Connell had been married the previous day and perhaps there was something else on his mind. Sam rested among the kit bags for a few hours before someone asked about its whereabouts.

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Kerry's Core Fans

Taken on All-Ireland Day 2004

Jesus, he lookes institutionalised looking through those bars. Let out for the day. I suppose the train, seeing cars fir the first time and the bloddy Luas. Otherwise he has Colm Cooper's Teddy bear and hes minding it for him.


Click on the picture to see it in its original size

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Kerry Fans

A Primary School teacher in Tralee explains to her class that she was a big
fan of Colm Cooper. She asks her students to raise their hands if they,too,
think Colm Cooper is only georgeous and the best Kerry Player oof 2004.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary,why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a a Colm Cooper fan. I think hes a Kerry knacker," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked asked, "Well, if you are not a Cooper fan,then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Cork supporter by God's grace, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Cork fan?" .

"Because my mum is from Mallow and supports Cork, and my dad is from Blackrock and is a Cork Suppoter fan so
I'm a Cork football supporter too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a
fan of Cork Football. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.

What if your mum was a arsehole and your dad was a arsehole too, what would you be then?"

"Then", Mary smiled, "We'd be Kerry fans."

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Paidi's South African Diary Part 1:

Day 1 -
Leave behind that miserable country Ireland, its people and it weather for a few days. Bad f*ckin hangover this morning , f*ckin porter is only brutal out here and what kind of crap were they feeding us on the flight over, jaysus in Micko's day it was first class all the way , You wouldn't get this back in my place in Ard an Bothair. You would imagine they would know a thing or two about a Black out here, but I'm not a racist type unless you are talking about those knackers in Tralee and Killarney.

Was I speaking to a journalist last night? I hope he does not print some of the stuff I told him, sure it was only a windup and I was pissed. Typical Jackeen to take the bait.

Afternoon Day 1 -
Well as I have now served 4 months "hard John O'Keeffe-style training" since I was appointed to Bord Failte and it’s a new year so I suppose its about time I did a bit of work for the handy money they are paying me to promote Ireland, we can't all be swanning around the world like my good friend and GAA confidant Brian Cowan even though I write this from the comfort of the lovely 5 Star hotel where my Kingdom is camped for the next 2 weeks.

Anyway today I start the campaign to get more Irish people to travel to South Africa , lovely place pity about all the blacks loping around. I know Bord Failte wants to get more people to visit Ireland , but f*ck that , who would want to live there , full of filthy animal types all speaking with the Queens tongue , tractors congesting the pot holed filled roads and corrupt polititians , but not I might add in my beloved Fianna Fail. Jaysus I used to be a big fan of Jimmy Deenihan until he defected to the Fine Girleens. Did you hear the cowardly hoor on TV before Christmas saying when Pat O'Neill broke his big nose in New York in 1978 , the punch was actually meant for me !! Feck it I never touched Pat O'Neill in my life, 'twas that prat David Hickey I struck.

Off to play golf now with Darragh, Tomas, Marc, Dara and Aodain. Wouldn't trust the rest of those Kerry hoors. Stick to your own crowd I say.

Aodain wins the kitty today at the golf.

Day 2 -
Wake at 2pm, new hangover there feeling rough, did not get any Bord Failte work done yesterday as we went on the beer after the golf, maybe today. Meet Gooch at lunch saying he has sunburn on his skinny little legs and arms, "F*ck off I tell him , its not Larry Tompkins you are , when you have won what I have won come back to me".

Johno had the lads up at 6 this morning doing laps , the West Kerry Lads like myself stayed in the cot as we did a few laps last night of this dancing place Tomas found , none of that carry on I'd say in Ard an Bothair.

T'is a f*ckin holiday and not a training camp we have here, I keep trying to tell him. Pony is complaining about all the hard work, I tell him to discuss it with O'Keeffe , what am I supposed to do for him . F*ck sake you would swear I was the manager or something and me trying to do my bit for promoting Ireland.

Visited a shanty town near Durban today, reminded me of Listowel, a right shit hole of a place. When I asked the locals if they had ever heard of Ireland, they started chanting something like Keanoooo or some thing, I said "f*ck off , I'm Paidi O Se , 8 times All Ireland Champion as a player and twice a Manager and the hardest man in GAA to boot" but they carried on with their Keanooo, my lovely blonde translator Kitty finally got the translation from Swahili or whatever they speak into Irish to which my reply was "yerra will you go away with your Roy Keane, sure my Darragh is twice the man he is , I'd have nothing to do with those Cork c*nts anyway". Did you hear the one about the striking GAA players in Cork, it wouldn't happen in my Kingdom. You would want to really upset my players to get them on strike.

Marc wins the golf today and Kitty is delighted, though he was cheating a bit on the back nine, but as I say myself a bit of cheating never hurt anyone , the fecking county board though owes me 10 grand for that little red card incident of Darragh's last year. A ram never forgets!

Day 2 evening -
Have dinner with the lads.......from west Kerry. The rest of the Kerry boys are in bed. Johno has them swimming in the morning. We are going out fishing when we wake up in the afternoon. Must have a word with the county board , maybe if I let them drop the 10 grand , they might allow Fergal O'Se into the squad. Jaysus he is very lonely at home on his own , he'd be much better off training in Tralee or Killarney. Also I want Paidi Óg as the official mascot for the 2003 season. It won't do him any harm to be involved and will be good practise when he follows in my footsteps, which he surely will. Good breeding there I tell you , they don't call me the Ram for nothing !!

Day 3 Afternoon -
Well if the shit didn't hit the fan today. John O’Keeffe has a face on him like a boiled shite. Pony rambles by without saying his usual sarcastic "Morning Mr O'Se hope you had a good sleep" its an old joke now between us but its the way he tells them, Gooch looks like a roasted tomato and even my comrade from the West Dara O'Cinneide has a look on his face as if I farted , which I just did , its the feckin porter out here I tell you.

How was training I say at our daily meeting, no response. Johno finally says "the facilities here are just crap Paidi, we have to train on an excellent all weather soccer field. The lads just wont do it anymore, there was supposed to be a muck laden field prepared for us and where is Banna Strand and Mount Brandon you promised us for the winter training here. How am I supposed to have them in peak condition if they are prancing around like Jason McAteer's "? , "Jason Who" I throw in casually but it does not lift the gloom. "Where is the stuff for the sunburn , poor Gooch and the other Redheads cant take it no more , "yerra let them eat cake the red in-breds" I retort . Liam Hassett is fuming at the cheeks, though with the ears on him you would think he would be able to cool himself down like an Elephant. "And whats with this fancy Adidas gear says O'Keeffe, we are supposed to only have standard O'Neills heavy balls and jerseys" . "I'll give you heavy balls in a moment" I reply . He then called me a West kerry c*nt and stormed out.

Well I looked around and asked if anyone else wanted to follow him and they did , except for Darragh , Tomas , Marc , Aodain and Dara O'Cinneide , they know what side their butter is jammed on I tell you.

The lads let me win the golf to put a smile back on the auld Ram

Day 4 late morning –
The hotel is full of reporters looking for a quote , I have a savage hangover again , and just say "f*ck off will ye those Kerry lads are a shower of Feckin animals" and when asked if they can print that, I say you can stick it up your black arse for all I care.

Play golf , Dara O Cinneide wins with no cheating , Kitty looks pleased.

Anyway down to work. I have agreed with Kerry Group and Bord Failte to re-shoot the Kerry Gold butter ad , you know the one where Cinneide says "....and Kerry is the Kingdom" . Away with such Leprechaunish drivel. People want to know what the Real Kerry is about. The last line will now be read by me pulling a pint in Tigh Paidi and Will read "....and Kerry is my Kingdom so dont f*ck with me" . That should please the Tralee crowd in Austin Stacks and John Mitchels !! The f*ckin animal lovers in Kerry will get their way because we will remove all images of dogs and dolphins as man so called best friend and replace them with pictures of the O'Se clan in action, The Puck Fair goat will be replaced by a Mount Brandon Ram , symbol of all that is good about West Kerry and me. Also following the kind words of wisdom of Brian Cowan , who would know about these things from his worldly travels, the village of "Inch" will be renamed "Twenty Five Point Four Millimeters" to further enhanse our area in the eyes of the Europeans who will be flocking here to my pub in the years ahead looking for they ancestors. Any resemblense to my good self will obviously be purely coincedental. Brian has also given me government approval to charge 10 Euro per pint for my troubles. Did you know that Brian is one of the foremost knowledgeable GAA friends I have , but more of that later. Play golf again , Darragh O'Se wins , Kitty storms off in a huff.

Day 5 - Afternoon.
Well if the last few days were bad, "you ainst seen nothing yet" ,as Big Tom used to say. Was woken at 1.30 in the feckin afternoon by the sound of Marc crying, jaysus the poor garsun needs his Liga every morning and some hoor had Swiped it last night when we were out. I blame Donal Daly who is only a quarter the player of my Darragh and is dead jealous of all of us O'Se's and our medals. I called an EGM with the players to find out what was going on but found out they were training again with O'Keeffe. Feckin training will be the ruin of them. Be much more in their line to be enjoying the free holiday, we don’t get much from those mean hoors in the County Board, so enjoy it. Its fine for them to be flying around the place in first class while I am stuck sitting in the back with my players, with my knees wedged into the arse of the hoor in front of me. Not in Micko's time I tell you.

Just on the way out for the afternoon now and there are a group of players carrying out some kind of protest in the lobby of the hotel. Kerry players chanting "We only get Marieta , the O'Se's have Liga , We want the Bomber, Paidi Out" . The Bomber was nothing before we taught him how to drink way back in 1978. What has he done since, win one county championship and with a feckin Tralee team from Strand Road, not even with his own crowd. I would not piss in Strand road for they would have the steam bottled before you got a chance to shake it. What ever bit of respect we had for him is gone now, the lanky beardy hoor and me with another hangover. I tell Johnno to sort It out I have better things to be worrying about, like who stole Marc's Liga. And I told the players spokeman Liam Hassett they could all feck off. I will manage the team and will pick it based on merit. Therefore Kerry will be represented by the Gaeltacht senior team in 2003, with Darragh O'Se as Captain and yours truly as player manager probably at full back. So there.

Johnno calls a team meeting while I go fishing with my boys.

Finally while on the bus to the fishing we see the missing Ligas and we deduced that the black hoor of a bus driver Today Mulapoo took the packet saying he was hungry which was never a good excuse in my book , which I will remind you was called "I'm Paidi , dont f*ck with me" , (TM), and was better than that tripe produced by the Mouth Spillane., but all is well again, Marc wins the golf and has to pay for the beer for tonight as a prize. The moral of the afternoon is if "Today takes the f*ckin biscuit......catch the hoor and break his f*ckin fingers before he can do it again !!"

My Friend Brian Cowan rings on my lovely new Bord Failte sponsored mobile. He says there is uproar in Kerry over my comments, that I am being portrayed as some kind of racist or bigot whatever that is. What f*ckin comments I want to know the f*ckin animals there will be looking for my head again I suppose, nothing new there, good job I have thick skin as well as a thick head. F*ckin Kerry hoors are never happy , pure animals the lot of them. Something about what I said to that failed cyclist jackeen fellow Kimmage. Can he not treat a friendly chat over a few pints as a bit of craic and not be looking for a scoop all the time. Good job he didn't mention the time I gave him a bag of those auld anabollix steroids I was using on a few bullocks at home. They never seemed to work for us. Didn't do Kimmage much use on the rothar either, the useless bollix, my mother on her High-Nelly would be faster than him.

Brian in his Biffdom recomends playing the trump card, Maurice Fitz, to get us out of the shit. Jaysus I dont want him back at all. What with his tanned legs , we will have to splash out a fortune on the Gooch and MFR for fake tans to match them up with that hoor from Cahirciveen. What has he done for me lately, scoring a few points when we bring him off the bench but taking all the limelight away from my Darragh who is 3 times the man and twice the footballer. Feck it I would score half those points myself if I was sober.

Spillane also rings saying to bring back Fitz, I tell him to go f*ck himself , what in the name of Christ would he know about football, another Klingon from the glory years , you never saw me limping around the place with hamstrings and bandages. Jimmy Deenihan rings too but I don’t take the call. Martin Ferris rings to say I will be missing a kneecap if I don't issue an apology, yes Martin you a brave hoor now that you are a TD, just like Spring and Deenihan, I'm shitting.

Lifelong Friend of Fianna Fail and thus my best friend Jackie Healy Rae also rings, but even Kitty with all her 14 languages cannot figure out what the f*ck he is trying to say. I agree with him anyway to keep the party line happy. Wouldn't want to be seen pissing in Bertie's Bowl now would you, not with an election only 4 years away. Paidi O'Se, Publican, Kerry Manager, TD , Minister and King of An Gaeltacht will have a nice ring to it or should I use Padraig. Will I have to give up the Bord Failte gig for that one, must check it out with Brian.

Day 6 Morning -
Slept well, dreaming of the Dail Bar and government junkets, woke up dehydrated. Raid mini bar again. Ahhhh thats better.

Day 6 Afternoon -
Wake up refreshed with a slight hangover but at least the bags under my eyes are grand which is always a good sign of a man, that and a big arse I always say. Time to bite the bullet so I have 9 pints at thebar while I hatch my plan.

Send fax to Radio Kerry saying Fitz has signed for An Gaeltacht and will tog out for Kerry in 2003 without doing any training. 30 mins later send another fax retracting my original statement. 1 Hour later send original fax again with the foot note that Pony (Seamus Moynihan) will also join. Ring Fitz but he is on the sun bed and has poor mobile coverage. Meet Pony in the Sauna but says he will not play for Gaeltacht as long as there is an O'Se on the team so I have to send second fax again with the new footnoot that Pony will not join us and is to go off with his ex Glenflesk colleague Johnny Cash to Cork. They are welcome to him too, Pony is overrated totally in my book, "I'm Paidi, don’t f*ck with me" (TM). He was never a full back in the mould of the Great Paddy Bawn Brosnan or myself even though I played in the corner, but sure I spent half the time covering the mistakes of that langer John O'Keeffe while still holding my direct opponents to 1 point in 10 All ireland finals, a horse of a f*ckin man is what I was and I'm still covering for O'Keeffe. But that’s what happens when we have 5 selectors in Kerry who know shit about picking a team, playing a fellow at full back just because he's a good footballer. Jaysus the Bawn is spinning in the grave.

Day 6 Evening -
Mobile coverage in Kerry crashes as people ring everyone with my utter confusion, send final fax saying I had nothing to with any of the previous faxes, can't beat a cute hoor like myself for a bit of confusion by throwing the cat among the rolling stones. Maurice returns my call and I ask him would he like to be involved with us next year, he would be delighted to give it one more lash, so I tell him he will be a big asset to us carrying the water bottles at the games for the O'Se family but he will have to do some training, we can’t have the water carrier panting and collapsing after a short burst accross the pitch to give a drop of water to Tomas or Darragh. For the craic I send another fax on County board paper signed by Sean Walsh saying I have been replaced by Micko with Fungi as his assistant. That should stir it up a bit for tomorrow !!

Golf cancelled as Kitty has ran away with the Bus driver and we have no one left to pull our trolleys. Maybe we should kidnap the Gooch and force him to do it.

Day 7 Afternoon –
An easy day so stay in the cot, worn out from the pressure of my high profile job in Bord Failte.

Day 7 Evening -
The Bike Kimmage has flown out for another exclusive, agree and get him to buy an expensive dinner and drinks for the night for us in this nice fancy restaurant, then I give him a kick up the hole and tell him to pick a story out of that , the useless bollix !!

More Later....

Paidi

-----------
Extracts from a GAA Pundits Diary

This is an entirely fictional character and any similarities with any individual, living or dead, are completely coincidental

Day 1:
Another Monday, another cheque in the back pocket from RTE thanks to my witty, outrageous and controversial 'Monday Feedback' corner on the Monday Game. The moneys good but it would want to be - dragging me up to this shitheap every week away from my beautiful Kingdom. On the upside though, I was backstage in 'makeup' this evening, when who should walk in but Sharon Ni Bheoilan, the chick from the News I wouldn't mind going up for a 50/50ball with her-if you catch my meaning. I think I'll give her a signed copy of my excellent autobiography that usually has the babes begging for some Kingdom-Love.

I don't know why I have to go into makeup anyway-they usually sit me beside those gobshites O'Rourke and Lyster in the studio - sure no makeup could clean those two cunts up -especially O'Rourke, the f*€kwit looks like some horrible genetic experiment gone wrong. I read through my emails, phone calls and letters - you know I don't like Clare f*€kers but that psycho Loughnane made one good point in his life - its only nutters that bother ringing into these programs they should get a life - in fact I think I'll bring that into my rant this evening.

Joe Brolly is the other guest tonight, the nordy cunt. Thinks he's as outspoken as me, what the f*€k would he know - with only one All-Ireland to his name Lyster that smarmy bollix seems to like him though I don't trust that f*€ker Apparently Brolly is a barrister. What kind of nordy Catholic is a barrister? an orange one I'd say. He'll take some watching

Day 2: - a few days later:
Its great being a GAA pundit - spout some shite a couple of times a week and laugh all the way to the bank. Take today for instance, I was sitting in the jacks having a nice dump when all of a sudden I remember 'shit I have to have my Sunday Worst column submitted by this evening'. Its f*€king demeaning to have to write for that rag, what do they know about the beautiful sport of Gaelic Football anyway the shower of jackeen b@$£@*ds?

Anyway, back to the column - I write a splendid piece of prose about how great the Munster Final is when its Cork and Kerry competing and those inbreds in Clare and Tipp are knocked out. I suppose I'll be getting death threats from the Clare cunts again - they're so f*€king touchy. They know they have no right to be even on the same pitch as the mighty, majestic is provoke, to analyse, to spout shit - and I do it so well.

Day Number 3:
Back on the Monday Game for the 'Feedback' slot. No sign of Sharon in makeup, pity. Brolly comes into the studio - he's becoming a bit of a fixture around here. I start whistling 'The Sash' - I think it throws him off his stride a bit. Lyster brought up the subject of Offaly football. Offaly -those cheating b@$£@*ds - I'll never forgive them for '82, scum - that's all they are.

I tell the nation what I feel - shoot from the hip. Brolly tries to cut across me, tell him to shut up, he hasn't got enough All-Ireland medals to interrupt me. After the show, he won't talk to me - what would you expect from an Orange b@$£@*d?


Day 4:
I met Micko the other day. Kildare are out (not f*€king surprising really, the shower of cripples) and he's contemplating his future. All the papers were saying he was the greatest football manager of all time. In fairness its easy to be a good manager when you have the greatest player ever to grace a sports pitch of any description on your side.

I told him so as well - I said 'Mick, I'm the reason we won so much, not your f*€king training routines and diets - what good did they do Kildare? You had to bring that useless garsoon offspring of yours up there with you and he was their best player'. We parted company - I love meeting Micko, we have great chats.

---

Non-GAA Kerry Joke
Two Kerrymen in a jungle come upon a sleeping lion.One of the men, with a fondness for messing, picks up a stone and throws it at the lion, and begins to run away.His comrade stands perfectly still, and does'nt seem the least bit worried that this lion is running towards him and is twenty feet away.His friend turns around and shouts "Why aren't you running?",to which his comrade replys "Shur I didn't throw nottin at him.""

--------------

Taken from the front page of the Irish Times the Monday after the Cork V Kerry Championship Semi-Final

Ouch. Seamus Moynihan bites while Brendan Jer O' Sullivan Gouges

--------------

Best of Kerry comp


-------
Best of Kerry (2)

Donegal County Jokes

Heard at a recent GAA match between Dublin & Donegal
(to the tune of Country House by Blur):

He lives in a house, a very big house, he's a culchie
Puts cabbage on his bread, has a big mutton head, he's from culchie.
He doesn't pay tax, he wears dirty kaks, he's from culchie.
He doesn't have a shed, he has a barn instead, He's a culchie

To which the Donegal fans responded ...........

She lives in a flat, a very small flat, She's a jackeen,
Takes all manner of pills, nicks cash from tills, she's a jackeen.
She doesn't do a thing, she wears a sovereign ring, she's a jackeen.
Her sister is worse, she keeps spare knickers in her purse, she's a jackeen."

The Gaa In World Terms.....

THE GAA IN WORLD TERMS.....
For those of you who follow the GAA...
Knowing that the situation in Afghanistan can be a
little confusing, here is the quick guide to the main
GAA players in more global terms.

USA = Kerry - Utterly Arrogant and motivated by greed.
If they suffer the slightest injustice the whole world
hears about it. Leader sees himself as bit of a visionary,
most see him as bit of a tyrant.

Al Qaeda = Meath - Thugs who like to take out opponents
behind the play. Capable of upsetting just about anyone.
Leader is a paranoid nutter.

United Kingdom = Galway - Only now moving forward having
been stuck in the past for decades.
Have a leader who loves the sound of his own voice,
full of rhetoric whilst ducking the important issues.

France = Sligo - Perennial bridesmaids.
Have a huge armoury but heavily
criticised in the past for misfiring.
More likely to bore you to death than to be a real threat to
anyone.

Pakistan = Kildare - Trying hard to be one of the big boys,
but has upset a large percentage of it's supporter base
through its over involvement with foreigners.
Could soon experience a revolt within its own ranks.

India = Down - A sleeping giant, not a contender at
the moment but with a huge supporter base.
Likes to think it's opinion is worth plenty, yet is
largely ignored by non-fans. Local derbies can be a bit fiery.

The Northern Alliance = Laois - An undisciplined rabble
in need of sponsorship dollars.

Israel = Dublin - Rabid supporters tucked away everywhere
and usually only become vocal when they start winning.
See themselves as the chosen but in reality suffer
from an over inflated sense of self. Local transport
can be a bit dodgy.

Palestine = Westmeath - A team currently going places,
had been on the periphery for many years before the late 90s.
Not regarded as a big contender but has a strong and
explosive youth policy.

Japan = Roscommon - No attack, last campaign of any note 1942.
Big player in the 1970s and 1980s,
however struggling a bit these days.

Iraq = Limerick - Serious hardarses and strongminded
who could be on the way back.
Opponents refer to see them out of the Championship.
Most of their neighbours hate them, they know it,
and they don't care.

Russia = Cavan - Once a great superpower,
recently in decay. Have chosen some real muppets as leaders.

Uzbekistan = Derry - Stuck in the middle.
Has a bit of an ars*h*le as manager but light on ammunition.

Germany = Offaly - Tendency to self destruct.
A strong history but off the scene of late.
Unfortunate uniforms.

Australia = Leitrim - Completely harmless.
Not a contender. Just in it to make up the numbers.
Supporters are loyal but regularly embarrassed.

Egypt = Mayo - Had a crack at dominance and though
the remnants are still there they hark back to the glory days.
A bit over defensive and vulnerable up the middle.

Please note that no country can be associated with Louth.
The closest thing was Lebanon but apparently even certain
parts of war torn Beirut are bordering on pleasant.

Great Irish Quotes

Bosco is a Bollox! Bosco is a Bollox!'
What Zig and Zag were caught shouting (with Ian Dempsey laughing in
background) when the cameras returned prematurely from a commercial break
during 'Dempsey's Den'. Zag was tossing the Bosco puppet around.

'When I said they'd scored two goals, of course I meant they'd scored one.'RTE Commentator George Hamilton

'That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually.'Chief Executive of An Post, John Hines.

'The referendum went as most people hoped it would'Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic
Process.

'Clap your feet!'Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.

'He's pulling him off. The Spanish manager is pulling his Captain off!'George Hamilton as Butreguanio comes off against Ireland.


'The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to
feed them?'
Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by putting
gondolas on Blessington Lake.


'We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds'. Rev. Ian Paisley.


'If you're a fifty pence piece in a pile of ten pence pieces,you have to
shine so much brighter in order to be noticed.'
Bono.

'What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the
consumer.'
Aer Lingus spokesman.

'Deep down I'm a very shallow person.'Charles Haughey.

'I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough.'Keith Duffy of Boyzone.

Larry Gogan: 'With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?'
Contestant: 'Hamlet'.


Larry Gogan: 'Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator? .... I'll give you a
hint. It's something you suck....'
Contestant: 'Oh, Dickie Davies'

Larry Gogan: 'What was Jeeve's occupation?Contestant: 'He was a carpenter'.


Larry Gogan: (after a caller got none of 18 questions right on the Just a
Minute Quiz) - 'Ah, sure the questions didn't really suit you did they?'
Caller: 'Ah go **** off Larry you're only an old bollox'.


Gerry Ryan: (during a discussion on whether people would like to be buried
or cremated when they die) - 'Would you like to be
buried or cremated?'
Caller: 'Oh, buried Gerry'.
Gerry Ryan: 'And where would you like to be buried?'
Caller: 'Up to me balls in Bibi Baskin!'


'Stephen Roche, the only British or Irish cyclist to win the Tour de France'.ITV commentator.

'I'm always suspicious of games where you're the only ones that play it'.Jack Charlton on hurling.

'Outside HIV in Grafton Street'Gay Byrne plugging Hot House Flowers appearance.


VIOLENCE DELAYS PEACE - LENIHAN Irish Times

MRS REAGAN BETTER AFTER FALL Irish Times

DOG SHOOTS MAN Evening Press

TEENAGE MUTANT BINGE AT THURLES Feile '92

RAPIST: I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY WIFE Star
MAN KEPT ARMS UNDER BED AFTER RELATIVE'S DEATH
Irish Times
DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH Irish Times.

'Mrs Windsor can come and go as she wants'.Gerry Adams on a visit by the Queen to Northern Ireland.

'I think the Irish woman was freed from slavery by bingo....
They can go out now, dressed up, with their
handbags and have a drink and play bingo. And
they deserve it'
John B. Keane.

Jim Mitchell TD: You're always mixing me up with someone else.
Ceann Comhairle, Joe Brennan: Yes, I'm always confusing you with that fella
Mitchell.

'Get married again'.Charles Haughey to women asking for an increase in the Widows Pension.

After the cops raided a massage parlor in Rathmines,this is the arresting
Garda's testimony:
"When we entered the premises the defendant was naked and in an aroused
state. When asked the reason for his presence at the establishment, he said
he was being treated for a GAA injury."

Larry Gogan: 'Complete the saying As happy as ?'
Contestant:'um'
Larry Gogan: 'Think of me'
Contestant: 'A pig in ****'


"The referendum went as most people hoped it would."
Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic
Process.

"That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually."
Chief Executive of An Post, John Hines.

"Clap your feet!"
Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.

"British Army bomb disposal squads who attempt to defuse car bombs early and
before areas are properly evacuated will be responsible for endangering
civilian lives."
IRA statement 1988.

The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to feed
them?"
Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by putting
gondolas on Blessington Lake.

"We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds."
Rev. Ian Paisley.

"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the
consumer."
Aer Lingus spokesman.

"Deep down I'm a very shallow person."
Charles Haughey.

"Outside HIV in Grafton Street."
Gay Byrne plugging Hot House Flowers appearance.

THOSE DISGRACEFUL MADONNA PICTURES - FOUR PAGE SPECIAL INSIDE
The Sun

VIOLENCE DELAYS PEACE - LENIHAN
Irish Times

CONCERNED RAPIST WORE A CONDOM
Evening Herald

MRS REAGAN BETTER AFTER FALL
Irish Times

SHARING THE BURDEN OF SCHIZOPHRENIA
Irish Times

DOG SHOOTS MAN
Evening Press

TEENAGE MUTANT BINGE AT THURLES
Feile '92

RAPIST: I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY WIFE
Star

MAN KEPT ARMS UNDER BED AFTER RELATIVE'S DEATH
Irish Times

DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH
Irish Times.

"A top level Garda internal inquiry is being held in Connemara into an
allegation that a local garda shot a cow.... There has been no statement
from the cow."
Irish press.

"Mrs. Windsor can come and go as she wants."
Gerry Adams on a visit by the Queen to Northern Ireland.

"I think the Irish woman was freed from slavery by bingo ....They can go out
now, dressed up, with their handbags and have a drink and play bingo. And
they deserve it."
John B. Keane.

Interviewer: Is it not dangerous to sell people knives called Rambo Knives?
Shopkeeper: I wouldn't say so, a lot of them can't spell.


"I was called out to a non-existent phone call. When I returned I lifted my
glass, smelled and said 'My God, this is foul, it smells like piss'. A voice
from the back called out, 'We know, but whose?'."
Wine connoisseur T.P. Whelehan at a tasting in Trinity College.

Jim Mitchell TD: You're always mixing me up with someone else. Ceann
Comhairle,

Joe Brennan: Yes, I'm always confusing you with that fellow Mitchell.

"Ludicrous. Ridiculous."
1989 edition of Collins Concise Dictionary defines the word 'Irish'.

"Get married again."
Charles Haughey to women asking for an increase in the widows' pension.

Irish Indo after the Gardai raided a massage parlor (knocking shop) in
Rathmines. This is the arresting Garda's testimony: "When we entered the
premises the defendant was naked and in an aroused state. When asked the
reason for his presence at the establishment, he said he was being treated
for a GAA injury."

Job Application Form: Do you support the overthrow of the Government by
force, subversion or violence?
Applicant: Violence.

"If you're a fifty pence piece in a pile of ten pence pieces, you have to
shine so much brighter in order to be noticed."
Bono.

"I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough."
Keith Duffy of Boyzone.

"Bosco is a Bollox! Bosco is a Bollox!"
What Zig and Zag were caught shouting (with Ian Dempsey laughing in the
background) when the cameras returned prematurely from a commercial break
during 'Dempsey's Den'. Zag was tossing the Bosco puppet around.

Ian Dempsey: "What would you give Andrew and Sarah as a wedding present?"

Caller: "I'd love to give Fergie AIDS and put a bomb up Andy's hole'"

"Stephen Roche, the only British or Irish cyclist to win the Tour De
France."
ITV commentator.

Larry Gogan: "With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?"
Contestant: "Hamlet."

Larry Gogan: "Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator? .... I'll give you a
hint. It's something you suck...."
Contestant: "Oh, Dickie Davies." (Murray Walker is the correct answer).

Larry Gogan: "What was Jeeve's occupation?"
Contestant: "He was a carpenter."

Larry Gogan: "Complete this well known phrase. 'As happy as.....' hint think
of me."
Contestant: "A pig in shit."

Larry Gogan: (after a caller got none of 18 questions right on the Just a
Minute quiz) - "Ah sure the questions didn't really suit you did they?"
Caller: "Ah go fuck off Larry you're only an old bollox."

Gerry Ryan: (during a discussion on whether people would like to be buried
or cremated when they die) - "Would you like to be buried or cremated?"
Caller: "Oh, buried Gerry."
Gerry Ryan: "And where would you like to be buried?"
Caller: "Up to me balls in Bibi Baskin!"

Larry Gogan: "What do you call a female cow?" ....

Larry Gogan: "And who would you like to play the request for?"
Caller: "Meself"
Larry Gogan: "Any particular reason?"

Caller: "I got me first job yesterday"
Larry Cogan: "Oh, that's nice, what was the job?"
Caller: "A blowjob!"

Keano GAA style...

Dinny Cronin's story: in his own words



WE ARRIVE in Thurles. The hotel is a kip, i have to share a room with a family of Romanian asylum seekers. Sunday is a rest day. In the evening Timmy McCarthy calls a meeting. There's been a problem. The ham sandwiches haven't arrived. We also have no training gear, no footballs. No holy water in a plastic bottle or other medical equipment. The 2 litre bottles of Nash's fizzy orange we need to take to help us acclimatise are missing as well. The committee reckon the asylum seekers robbed them but it
would be politically incorrect to accuse them of it. Nobody knows what time we're going to train on Monday. McCarthy says we'll just do some running up a hill with two men on our backs.

Because the gear hasn't arrived we'll have to use the Guiney's tracksuits we wear around the hotel. They're heavy,
impossible to pick our lads out from the track suits that all the asylum seekers are wearing.

I went to see McCarthy that night. Quietly, (the family in his room were asleep). What's the story, Timmy? They've let me down, he says. Who are they, I'm thinking (the committeeee?). I said
that the gear should have been here a last night. We're at all Ireland junior club football finals. The following morning we're hanging around the hotel waiting to find out what's happening. Eventually we get on the 1982 'Declan O'Brien' coach to go to the training ground. Timmy got stuck on me cos i had them all at the back of the bus singing 'oh there all a shower of langers up to the front'. The training pitch is like concrete, pot-holed with loads of loose stones and trolleys lying around. Turns out it was a deserted halting site with a big hill up the side. With my injury problems the ground is dangerous.

Afterwards I went to the county board liaison officer, a local guy. I told him there were no ham sandwiches or nash's fizzy orange
here either. He said he was sorry but nobody told him we'd be
training on the halting site today. We could have got Bridie to go to Tesco's if anyone had told us you were coming down. I say, you must have known the BallyMacflurry team were going to train today. No, he replied, nobody told us.

The gear arrived on Monday night and it wasn't washed but sure it doesn't matter anyway, O'Neill's gaa jersey's have the smell of B.O. built into them so they smell whether they're dirty or clean. Next morning we arrived at the halting site. There was a truck there with a water hose apparently the travellers had some scrap cars and they were hosing the oil off the surface. About 20 yards of the site was flooded, the rest was full of used washing machines and shopping trolleys. It looked dangerous. I laughed.

We ended training with a game of backs and forwards. There were no goals, only a couple shovel handles. So we had goals but no umpires. When running up the hill with two men on your back you don't need umpires but when playing backs and forwards you do. So I ask about the 'umpires. O'Driscoll tells me, they're tired. But I said we need 'umpires to have a proper game. We're at the all ireland junior club football finals! "They're tired," o'Driscoll insists, the county board threw on a tab in bar last night for the selectors,mentors and offeeshills..

"We're all f***ing tired," I replied. The game went on; no umpires.

After training I went over to Donie, the 'holy water bottle' man. "Could the umpires not have turned up" I ask. "They drank pretty hard this last night," he answered. "I bet they'll be all
right for the pitch & putt in the morning," I said. Then Tony Murray, one of the umpires chipped in: "What have you got a
problem with, Dinny?" "I've got a problem with you," I said, "Could you not f***ing get in goal for the game?"
"We've drank hard this morning," he says.
"Do you want a f***ing medal for that? You've come to the all ireland Junior club football finals, you expect to drink hard.
You've only drank for an hour." McCarthy and the 'holy water bottle' man watched all this. Never said a word.

I got back on the coach. I was angry. I'd put up with our under 14 b's approach to the game throughout my club career. We all had. Driscoll and McCarthy were both shop stewards in the local co-op. Now with the power to put it right they were presiding over the same old joke. By the time I got back to the hotel I'd had enough. This wasn't for me. This is not what I trained my balls off for all season. Back at the hotel I had a dump to calm me down. Leaving the room I met McCarthy in the corridor. "Can I have a word with you, Timmy." "Yeah, yeah. What's that smell, seems to be coming from your room?" "era, i had a bad battered burger last night, listen, I've had enough. I want to go home."

"What do you mean?"
"I'm going home."
"Oh yeah. Are you sure you know what you're doing' cos the last bus to Cork went an hour ago?"
"Yeah, i'll thumb it, and don't try to persuade me, just let me go."
"What is it? . . . Is it me? . . . The ham sandwiches?, is the fizzy orange not fizzy enough? . . . The halting site?"

Of course I should have said yes, it is you, the training, the halting site. This whole thing is a disgrace. I didn't.

"No, it's just me, I've had enough."
"All right, all right," he said. "What will I tell
the committee?"
"Tell them there an awful shower of langers!!!." With that I
left, they lost and I can't get served in my local anymore.

Kildare County Jokes

Packie White

Me no worry, me no care,
Me play football with Kildare,
Micko says “you tall and thin”,
You take place of Ronan Quinn.

Micko is a clever man,
He watch me play in Pakistan,
Basketball is my game,
Micko say “it all the same”

Me pack bag and head for Nass,
Jar of tippex in my case,
Go on labour, sign on dole,
Next week get money, so me tole.

Me train hard for this big game,
Get to know the other’s name,
There’s men from Kerry, Cork and Tipp,
Roscommon too and Leixalip.

We got Galway in our sights,
They no beat the “Silly Whites”,
Micko has us all on fire,
But who the **** is Sam Maguire.

--------


An Irishman's Diary.
By John Moran.
July 19th 2003


When the footballers of Kildare run out at Croke Park tomorrow to face Laois in the Leinster Final, their supporters will look on with pride - but also with a desperate hope, verging on dread.

For perhaps only Matt Talbot could have appreciated the depth of suffering that generations of Kildare supporters have undergone in the 75 years since the county last won the All-Ireland football championship. In every year since then, hopes have been raised and then dashed in one long Lilywhite lament.

Of course, as a Dublin supporter, I shouldn't know these things, but I have a little secret - I'm a bit on the Kildare side myself; a latent Lilywhite, if you like. You see, when I was just three years old my saintly Kildare parents decided that the only hope for me to escape a life of disappointment as a Kildare supporter lay in a move to Dublin. So they decided to make a Jack of their little Johnny.

This proved no easy task, however, since by the age of three I could name the entire Kildare team that won the Leinster Championship that year. Indeed I was on the Canal End cheering on the Shortgrass County on that occasion. The leading scorer on the day was the great Ballykelly star and gentleman Seamie Harrison, who sadly passed away in May.

And it was hard to convert totally to being a Dub when there were those long balmy summer holidays in the sweetest little town in Ireland. Though its name frightens small boys and girls who don't live there, Monster Heaven is a rural idyll where I spent those halcyon days doing all the country stuff - saving the hay, going to the well, roaming the fields, enjoying the big day out with all the family on the Bog - and all the while hearing the gentlefolk bemoan their long history of epic disappointments since Kildare became the first county to win the Sam Maguire Cup, when the great Olympic high jumper, Larry Stanley, captained the team back in '28.

So watching the annual torment of his exiled parents and remembering the laments of his relations, little Johnny grew up with the distinct impression that life just wasn't fair on the old aristocrats of the GAA, that the men in white had been dumped by Lady Luck and that the teams of every other county in Ireland were full of ruffians and gougers, especially Laois.

But oh, how quickly we forget. As the years rolled by any memories of supporting Kildare faded into distant memory as I became coloured by the influences of daily Dublin life. Within 10 years I was a card-carrying supporter of the boys in blue. And on sunny September days from the 1970s on I was as fanatical as anyone worshipping on the Hill as it rang to the heavens during those bountiful years of success, savouring in particular the triumphs over Kerry and Meath.

Yet, isn't it true what they say? You can take the boy out of the bog but you can't take the bog out of the boy. Like all immigrants, there were times when I was being pulled in two directions. (Luckily I'm a Gemini and can handle duality.) A few years ago Dublin were playing Kildare in Croke Park and after much agonising I decided that just this once, for old time sake, I'd venture onto the Canal End among the serried ranks resplendent in white. It wasn't long, alas, before the atmosphere turned purgatorial. After early Kildare promise, Dublin forwards were firing over point after point - and defeat, though not yet delivered, was in the post.

As I looked across the silent sea of white, I noticed a huge man standing beside me who became increasingly agitated until finally the poor devil could take no more and blurted out an anguished cri de coeur: "C'mon the flour-bags!" (A Kildare team once forgot their kit, I am told, and wore flour sacks as jerseys.) The fan's plaintive plea, alas, came to nothing - and neither did the communal murmuring of the fans, which I took to be entreaties to St Jude.

Yes, there was the great odyssey to the final in 1998 in which Kildare did what had never been done before, beating the previous three All-Ireland champions on the way. And yes, there was the semi-final in 2000. Both of these great occasions ended, though, with sad processions of hushed columns heading back towards the Curragh.

Yet still they follow, those loyal legions of the Lilywhite faithful - each and every one in possession of a faith greater than that of the Taliban - with an absolute belief in the second coming of Sam Maguire. When they eventually succeed, there will be someone in the corner of a Dublin field that will raise a mighty cheer - and there'll be happy days indeed in Monster Heaven.

GAA Characters......

GAA Characters......


The Ledgend:

Made one inter county wintery league substituted appearance back in 1978 and has been a regular full back on the club team, since then after having acquired golden experience and regularly deferred to as the Club expert on any scenario on the field. Wears supports on both knees, both wrists, both elbows, has no teeth left from horrendous off the ball incident involving the priest at wing back on opposite team. Completely grey from shock of farming accident 15 years prior. Wears size 8 boot which are very small feet to carry considerable girth of a man his age and width consequently has dreadful difficulty staying on his feet but can always be relied upon to drag his man down inside the square. Unbeatable on a high pulling ball and under a dropping ball has been known to ruin many a hurling career, sex life and marriage prospects of many's the young hurler. Level head on the team and can always be called upon to make a passionate call on the annual first and only round of the championship what it means to wear the colours of the parish and fellas that are years younger than him retired long ago just because they don't understand the pride, at which point he breaks down. Wants to die on the hurling field only problem is he seems to ensure it happens to many's the hurler who comes or pulls across him. The Legend!

The Doctor:

Regular supporter, generally retired, ended up holding the medical kit one day and ever since the lads have called him the Doctor. Well versed on psychology that applies in serious medical emergencies on the field. In fact his most recent comment upon viewing the broken leg of one of the star hurlers was "Jesus his leg is f***ed lads!". Has been known to light up cigarette for player while tending to his injuries and is especially well versed at herbal remedies for wounds liberally applying distilled potatoes from a barrel to a muscle wound with the caveat 'Don't waste it'. Generally complements his medical knowledge with detailed recollections of even the most mundane club encounters of the previous 20 years. Club allocates 50 pounds a year to his budget for medical seminars run by the county board amounting 850 pounds of club service and as many pints that have been bought in the seminar's stead. Generally is a pipe smoker and his smell of tobacco lingers long after him in the dressing room.

The Athelete:

Generally hailing from the sports mecca of Limerick this all rounder seems to have reached zenith of sports career no matter what he turns his hand to. Took up hurling at 16 years old and made the minor county team two years later pissing off a lot of fellas who had been hurling since they were born, stick in hand. He is the one lad everyone loves hopping off at training and generally sustains a lot of finger and hand injuries during training. Generally remains clean even during winter running and his kit bag is never O Neills, always Umbro, Man United or Canterbury. Never drinks with the lads in the Club and if he does it's a rock shandy or Lucozade Sport. Generally a sad individual despite the fact his girlfriend is a model. Lads have no time for him as he will never take on 7 brothers from Ballybrown for one of his own men. Bad Egg!!

The Timber Merchant:

Wheeled out of the pub for the start of winter hurling where the sliotar drops dead in the Square and the last man standing tends to be the Timber Merchant. Every Club has one as before the start of any game when fellas are giving their spare hurleys to someone to carry for them, it takes one man alone to carry the sticks for the timber merchant. Loves the throw in ball and has been known to run full lenght of the field for a throw in which he wins but hurley flies into smithereens. Tends to be well known among all the local clubs and generally the standard against which aspiring hard men judge themselves. Walks with the cocky gait of a gladiator on the field, his girlfriend/wife tends to be 'a brewtal looking wan' who looks as if she was dragged through the Liffey backwards and hit a few bunkers along the way. She generally tends to be the boss in the relationship, and is actually affectionately known as the Corner back (more details later). Timber Merchant generally retires early with major arthritis but his two sons are carrying on the family tradition having already been sent off and banned twice from 14 and u 16 championships. Dad is their hero.

The Keeper:

Vies with the legend in terms of team appearances and sometimes longevity, emotionally attached to his many collections of hurleys and needs at least two young fellas to carry out his hurleys at the start of a game as he has so many. Has stick for every weather type and usually has a maggoty towel of great sentimental value that he uses to dry the hurleys. Was excused from regular physical training at the age of 22 because he was finding it so difficult, consequently now weighs 17 and a half stone, can drink 22 pints in one sitting, and is looking to retire this year even though he is just turning 26. Possesses ferocious vocabulary and can often be heard spewing vitriol during a game, and that is only at his own team. Doesn't believe he deserves criticism levelled at him during a game after letting in his fifth goal ( 4 of which scuttered under his hurley), blaming the full back line for being 45 yards off their men after collectively thundering out to pull on a ball and miss it. G'wan Chunga!!! Has an effortless stroke and wins the Puc Fada every year in the parish but never lifts his game at inter county puc fada as he can't stay off the drink. His brother is known as 'The Drinker.' (see below)

The Drinker:

Would without doubt be the best county minor ever produced by the club except for the fact as a prodigius under 14 talent was given a celebratory pint by The Doctor (see above) after winning the first round of the 14 championship and it was downhill from there. Progressed from putting sugar in his Guinness to skulling half pints of Bulmers in the showers before the game. Can be regularly seen puking in the changing room toilets at half time, flashes of brilliance produced once a year for a few minutes enough to warrant the three old men on the sidelines to mourn the loss of talent in a youth such as him. The club in the light of his behaviour reviews their drink policy and radically alters it so that only Under 15 hurlers and upwards are allowed pints on the day of a match, upper limit set at 8 pints, only allowed cider and vodka, no whiskey allowed to under 16's. Had to be dragged from the local at 4am the night before the county final, eyes red in photo, scored 1-6 from play, went on a two month bender after the win, wrote off three family cars, needs to be collected for every game. Great talent.

Three Old Men:

Living vicariously through the current crop of youngsters. They attend with diligence every club game from street leaguesto senior. Hurlers on the Ditch they recall with pride the battles they fought for the parish in their days and one of them knocks with glee on the metal plate in his skull inserted after a vicious game, though he played on the full game, busted open as wide as the Hoors Gait! Not known as great supporters of the more graceful style of hurler in the club, three man fan club of 'the legend' and 'the timber merchant'. Tweed caps badly need replacing, cigarette butt almost attached cutaneously to the lower lip, two carry bad hips from ferocious games of their youth, and one has ashortened leg as a result of a kick from a ******* when younger, though rumour has it got was from his brother over a woman who left them both at the tender age of 28 for a midfielder in the next parish. Hasn't spoken to the brother since but managed to end career of other parish's midfielder with a flourish...'But the ball was there ref"

The Corner Back:

At first glance this name would elicit the notion of a player on the team, however this is in fact the affectionate pet name for the Lady of the team. Currently engaged for 9 years to the Timber Merchant her own history is as long and varied as the club's. A great supporter of the senior hurling team, a spin with the corner back was as necessary as a game of junior hurling for any u-16 youth wanting to be blooded for senior hurling. A very supportive young lady she has had flings with the entire full back line, half back line, midfield pairing of three years ago and 4 of the forwards, the other two having retired 7 years ago, though rumour has it she was a great supporter of them too. Her name constantly appears in the changing room banter, all the lads slagging each other about her and how they would never go there yet upon reviewing college hurling team newsletter her name appears as "Corner Back Mark 2, Corner Back mark 4 ,Corner Back 7..." and so on. Eventually settled for the raw charm of The Timber Merchant, likes her men -ahem!- hard and loves to boast about her fella cutting the head off the opposition. Has been known to stray after 17 pints of cider and gives a rousing rendition of 'Sean South' after every championship match. A great girl altogether, also regular full back on the ladies camogie team, football team, puc fada champion 23 years running assuming the title after her mother retired, herself a virgin like her mother before her.

The Coach:

Bitter about his unsuccessful inter county career he embarks on a mission to bring his crew of 19, desperate hurlers from U-15 ranks to senior inter county champions in three years. His loyalty to the Club is unquestionable. His red with white stripe O'Neills cotton tracksuit can be seen as the solitary figure cutting grass of a saturday morning at 8am in advance of that afternoon's league game. His passion is unquenchable he finds it hard not to get frustrated at the lackadaisical attitude of some Under 13's. Guaranteed to fall out with Club executive committee over some of his training practices, expects complete infallability and loyalty, generally loses 3 - 5 players during the year through rows about their attendance. His car tends to be a Ford Capri or Ford Cortina, or indeed has a Honda 30. Guaranteed to have 122 - 150 hurleys of all sizes in the boot, replete with sliotars, bottles, deep heat, umbrellas, damp anoraks, odd football boots, steel toe capped boots, mars bars, hats, flags, caps, two helmets, nets, two bags of filthy smelley jerseys, 1982 version of Limerick Leader July 2nd and Sindo of 1988. Great Club man, but bitter, bitter, bitter.


The Commmiitttteee:

A plethora of 'Characters' with a collective hurling experience in terms of years of 383. Matches collective waist size in terms of inches. Meet every tuesday night and discuss deplorable standard of hurling in the club. Blame soccer, rugby and The Spice Girls. Decide to remove cider from Club bar as too many lads have psychotic episodes with same, cagey about new committee member of 28 years of age, slow to change, ruthless in political manoevrings, utmost respect for the county board though the *******s didn't change our Junior B final even though we had three girls and three lads in the Scór finals. Struggle with the accounts and often reply that things have always been done that way. Strictly adhere to committee rules and procedures, everything must go 'through the Chair' and minutes are minutely recorded and scrutinised. Due to age of Committee large amount of Club budget goes on purchasing Mass cards for recently deceased member of opposing hurling teams of old, ar dheis Dé....

The Ladies Committee:

Great for sandwiches and tea after the big games always bring finer touch to Club noting that ashtrays should never be left full in the bar. Often the flirting going on between committee members and ladies committee is horrendous especially as most of them are married to one another. Fairly liberal users of bad langauge, have been known to question the lineage of many's the referee in their day. Very suspicious of new ladies wanting to help out and generally politely refuse offers of help throughout the year. Mother of keeper, full back, and timber merchant on the committee.

You know you are a GAA shaper when

You know you are a GAA shaper when...........

1. You wear white boots.


2. You are the only guy with tanned legs on the team in April.


3. You put gel in your hair before the game.


4. You have bleached hair or a pony-tail.


5. You have to get a hair cut before every match.


6. You wear your collar up to your ears.


7. You have at least one life threatening injury per game.


8. You hang around outside the dressing room after a match (still togged out) looking for people to tell you how good you played.


9. You warm up looking into the crowd.


10. You wear the latest range in thigh supports, knee bandages, etc when in reality there's shag all wrong with you.


11. You sulk every time you lose,you blame the pitch, the wind, the sun, the ball etc, if you miss a chance (above all it was not your fault).


12. You complain that the backs never play good ball to you (you are always a forward because they score (backs get no glory), probably wing or corner (because you can pick up a handy score there and also wave to the crowd)) and if the
    selectors knew anything (which they don't) they would make you captain.


13. You insist on making yourself available for 2 championship matches on the same day.


14. You threaten to quit the team cause the manager won't pick your brother.


15. You make your own speech in the dressing room after the captain and mentors have made their speeches.


16. You leave in two soft goals...one dropped out of your hand....and you complain of a shoulder injury when trying to puck out the next couple of balls.


17. You wear white boots, white socks a white helmet with a white club jersey.


18. You wear white boots, white socks a white helmet with a white club jersey.

GAA fans

The many faces seen at your local GAA match

JUST as footballers can be classified as either defenders, forwards or goalkeepers, so fans can be categorised into certain broad stereotypes.

The study has shown that supporters can be categorised into one of six large groups:

The Cloth Cap Brigade:
These are a band of men who enjoyed their heyday at the turn of the century. They are avid supporters.
The Cloth Cap Brigade are easily identified because they make a very distinctive call which sounds something like “giveherlang giveherlangferchrissakes”. This means kick the ball as hard and as far down the pitch as you can. The Cloth Caps have nothing against the O’Dwyer revolution and the modern game. They just don’t think it will work for their team.
All Cloth Caps are waiting for their messiah. The ‘chosen one’ will be a seven foot tall full-forward with hands like shovels. Standing at the edge of the square the messiah will catch all those ‘lang’ balls and score enough goals and points to win that elusive county championship.

The Crazy Women:
The existence of the gangs of crazy women who attend gaelic football matches has not been very well documented. Needless to say, they exist, and they are extremely dangerous. Decades ago, the crazy women armed themselves with umbrellas which they used as weapons to assault players. Now that most pitches have perimeter fencing, the crazies have decommissioned their brollies but they have become equally lethal with the tongue.
Referees are the favourites targets. Some of these women suffer from DMS (Doting Mother Syndrome) which is a strain of DFS (written about last week). Women with DMS will attack referees who give decisions against their sons. More frightening still, is the common occurrence when a gang of crazy women defend each others’ sons. The result: verbal carnage.

The Loyalists:
These men are the sixties generation, but you wouldn’t think it to look at them. When other nations were entering the age of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll this squad were running around dance halls in Carrickmore, Kilrea and Belfast.
The loyalists form the backbone of the GAA. By and large they are peace loving creatures, however they have been known to turn violent during the championship season.
Loyalists come to all matches, rain, hail or snow. Some come to chat to friends, others to torture the opposition, while the majority have long since forgotten why they go to matches - it’s just something they do on a Sunday.

The Club Mascot:
For mascot read lunatic, and there is one in every club. Indeed their reputation often goes before them. The mascot is a loner, though not by choice. No one knows if mascots actually enjoy gaelic football as they never applaud or praise their team. Rather for 60 minutes, the mascot, foaming and frothing at the mouth, curses the opposition, the referee, his own team etc.
Most Mascots cannot drive, yet there is a goodly soul in every club who persists in bringing this person to away matches.

The Drinking Crew:
The drinking crew are sons of the Loyalists and some have grandfathers who are Cloth Caps.
The drinking crew tend to be in their twenties or thirties and they are very single. Often they don’t turn up until half-time. Sunday is not a good day for the crew. Attendance at the match serves two vital functions. The first of these is to establish what happened on the previous night. The second is to watch the match.
There is a further reason why the crew turn up late. Some of their comrades from the previous night (who also downed a copious number of pints) are out on the pitch, so the crew know well in advance that there is little chance of victory.

Teenage Posers (female):
This group only appear at championship matches with big crowds.
Again they are easy to recognise. Posers can be seen walking around the pitch, on the loose gravel, in high heels, looking out at the crowd and largely ignoring the ongoing match. This practice is known within the sisterhood as ‘circuits’.
Posers tend to drift away from gaelic football, unless they hook up with a member of the Drinking Crew.

If you have read this and failed to identify yourself, read it again – this time more honestly.

Non GAA quotes

Sporting Funnies

• This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.'(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)


• "Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman) *


• "We now have exactly the same
  situation as we had at the start of therace,only exactly the opposite" (Murray
  Walker) *


• "He's pulling him off! The Spanish
  manager is pulling his captain off!" (RTE's George Hamilton on Spain manager
  Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier
  with Ireland in Seville,1992).


• * "The black players at this
  club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players
  in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common
  sense." (Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991).


• * On the difficulties of adjusting
  to playing football and living in Italy:>"It was like being in a foreign country"
  (Ian Rush)


• * "Bill Frindal has done a bit
  of mental arithmetic with a calculator" (John Arlott) * "Hodge scored for
  Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)
  


• * "We actually got the winner
  three minutes from the end but then they equalized" (Ian McNail)


• * "I've never had major knee
  surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)


• * "The lead car is absolutely
  unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)


• * "I owe a lot to my parents,
  especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)


• * "Sure there have been injuries
  and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)


• * "The racecourse is as level
  as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)


• * "If history repeats itself,
  I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)


• * 'We'll still be happy if we
  lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival' (Noel O' Mahony, Cork
  City boss before the game in Munich)


• * 'I would not say he (David
  Ginola) is the best left winger in Premiership, but there are none better'.(Ron
  Atkinson).


• * 'He dribbles a lot and the
  opposition don't like t - you can see it all over their faces.' (Ron Atkinson)
  


• * 'I never comment on referees
  and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat' Ron Atkinson)
  


• * 'It took a lot of bottle for
  Tony (Adams) to own up.' (Ian Wright - commenting on his teammate's alcoholism)
  


• * 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife
  of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.' (Harry
  Carpenter - BBC TV Boat race 1977)


• * 'Here we are in the Holy Land
  of Israel - a Mecca for tourists.' (David Vine)


• * 'Morcelli has four fastest
  1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.' (David Coleman)
  


• * 'Julian Dicks is everywhere.
  It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.' Metro Radio)


• * ' ....and later we will have
  action from the men's cockless pairs...' (Sue Barker).


• * 'Her time is about 4.33, which
  she's capable of.' (David Coleman)


• * Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever
  thought of writing your autobiography?' Chris Eubank: 'On what ?'


• * 'Sex is an anti-climax after
  that !' Grand National-winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald. 'Well, you gave the
  horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that' (Desmond Lynam)


• * 'To play Holland, you have
  to play the Dutch.' (Ruud Gullit)


• * 'Well , either side could win
  it, or it could be a draw.' Ron Atkinson)


• * 'For those of you watching
  in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip' (John Motson)


• * 'Strangely, in slow motion
  replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' David Acfield)


• * 'What will you do when you
  leave football, Jack- will you stay in football?' Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live
  )


• * 'I'd like to play for an Italian
  club, like Barcelona' (Mark Draper - Aston Villa)


• * there goes Juantorena down
  the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class' David Coleman at
  The Montreal Olympics)


• * 'And for those of you who
  watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts
  turn out like Fanny's' (David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day)


• * '...and Ray Illingworth is
  relieving himself in front of the pavilion' (John Arlott)


• * 'These greens are so fast they
  must bikini wax them' (Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta)


• * 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold
  Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out
  his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?' (USTV commentator)
  

GAA Club Members

Players clubbing together to make up a team

AGAINST THE BREEZE By Paddy Heaney

Remember the cloth caps, crazy women and club mascots. These characters were presented in the results of a survey examining the personality of club supporters. A number of readers have since queried if similar research has been conducted with regard to club footballers. By a great coincidence, the findings of a detailed analysis of our club footballers has just been completed, and some of the results are published in this week's column.

- Physio's Friend: Four words can sum up the playing career of a typical physio's friend and they are: 'lame for every game'. Pulled hamstrings, severed ligaments, sore groins, you name it, and he has had it. - Physiotherapists dream about getting one of these players on their client list. He is the ideal customer. Once a physio's friend has signed up, all financial worries can be forgotten. With a guaranteed two trips a week, for injuries, either real or imagined, the sick one will pay bills, mortgages and put children through university.

- The Male Model: It's easy to spot the male model at training sessions. He's the player wearing the Cork jersey on Monday, Meath on Wednesday and Dublin on Friday. Not only will he have the jersey, he'll also have the accompanying shorts and socks. Male Models normally sport a healthy tan for about six months of the year. He is the one player in the changing room guaranteed to bring hair gel, shampoo and deodorant. After his liberal application of deodorant, he can be difficult to see as he will be enveloped in a cloud of sweet smelling mist. The Male Model despises the fact that he must share his toiletries every week with some spongers. However, he realises it is a necessary evil if he is to leave the changing room looking and smelling his very best. -

County Star (Club Hero): He is the heartbeat of the team. This man sends himself to sleep at night by counting O'Neill's footballs floating over a crossbar. Despite huge commitments to the county panel, he will be a regular attender at club training sessions. The Club Hero is highly valued, primarily for his talent, but also for the example he provides other players. Club heroes watch what they eat, go easy on the drink and refrain from cigarettes. If they have one weakness, it's women. For some misguided reason they are under the illusion that women are not detrimental to your health.

- County Star (The Invisible Man): This other type of county footballer enjoys a love/hate, though mostly hate, relationship with his club's supporters. They love him when he turns up for matches because he can be the difference between winning and losing a match. They hate him because they think he is a big headed poser, who seeks only personal glory through his county team, while abandoning the very club that taught him how to play the game.

- Hard Ground Specialist: Just as there are race horses that cannot cope with soft ground, so there are footballers who feel ill-suited toearlyseason training. Hard ground specialists consider the dedicated winter trainers to be mere point-to-pointers, whereas they are the genuine flat-race thoroughbred. With the recent good weather, they will havestarted to appear at training sessions throughout the country in their droves

- The Schoolboy: The schoolboy has only one thing in his head: football. Carrying absolutely no weight, the schoolboy runs just for the fun of it. Older players in the team are jealous of schoolboys as they represent their lost youth. Junior football is the traditional sacrificial ground where balding corner-backs regularly obliterate frisky teenagers for no apparent reason. Schoolboys are best advised to stay clear of these ageing veterans if they wish to stay clear of serious injury.

- The Student: The transformation from schoolboy to student is as pronounced as that of the caterpillar to butterfly. Where once he was a schoolboy whose only ambition was to get on the senior team; the student discovers the pleasures of wine, woman and song. Football is put way down the agenda. For the first six months of his fresher year the student will have a silly looking smile permanently attached to his face. A pot belly will start to develop in his midriff. He will give the excuse of either assignments or exams for his continued absence at training, yet there will be repeated sightings of him in Paykos, Club FX, The Western Star, The Wash, The Courthouse, Havana Browns, Mangans; you get the picture. The club hero will try to lecture the student about the error of his ways, but it is hopeless, he will be a lost soul for the next four years. Due to space constraints these are all the players that can be described today.

Other players which could not be included were: Team Talker, Psycho, Mr Excuses, and the Nearly Man. others would include the one more year man .... brought on with ten minutes to go to rapturous roars from the crowd., never won a medal, jersey clinging to the belly, socks up around the bandaged knee. Subject to rushes of blood to the head which guarantee a ball to be ballooned into the stands after a headless thirty yard run driven on by the crowd. the Horse ....... who has no football whatsoever, but is there on pure brute strength alone, and would spend a full training session lining up for a crack at either the Model, the Schoolboy, the Student or the County Star.

GAA Dictionary and Thesaurus

GAA Dictionary and Thesaurus.

Required reading for all fans of the game, and aspiring stadium builders.

HOLLY- an unspecific measure of force. e.g. "I gave it holly"---I put a fair bit of effort into it!

BOLLIX----handy adjective, describes any opinionated adversary. eg. Pat Spillane, or any Meath players or supporters

MIGHTY---Very good, or very bad, apply equally to any situation. eg. Pat Spillane is a mighty bollix!

HAMES---A right shite -e.g.-"He made a hames of that chance"

TIMBER---Intimidation of a hurling opponent - e.g.- "Show him some timber"

LAMP----A good thump-- e.g.-"I swung for the sliotar, missed by 3 feet and lamped the full back"

A CROWAD---A gathering of people who watch a match and hope for random acts of violence -e.g-Meath supporters

SCHKELP---To remove living tissue in the absence of surgical procedures.--e.g.-"That shite from Tipp took a schkelp outta me leg"

HATCHET MAN---Mountainy type, uses hunter/gatherer instincts

BULLIN'--- Unreasonably Angry- e.g-"The centre half was bullin' after I lamped him"

BULL THICK---Very angry- e.g.-"The centre half was bull thick after I lamped him again"

JOULT---A push- e.g.-"I gave him ! a joult and he has to wear a neck brace for 2 weeks"


THE COMM-A-TEEE---Applies to local GAA bullshitters in general, though more specifically to those bulshitters who actually run the GAA

BUSHTED---An undefined soreness- e.g.-"Jayz me arm is bushted"

THE BOMBER---Origin unknown, possibly north of border. eg. Popular name for all fat hairy GAA players.

A HANG SANGWIDGE---Consumed with "tay" on the sides of roads after matches in Croker or Thurles, usually contains half a pound of butter & fuckall else.

RAKE -A great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness, consumed the night before an important match or any gathering of GAA batchelors.

INDANAMAJAYSUS (in-da-nama-Jaysus)--! An indignant defense term. eg. -'What was that for referee"?

YA BOLLIX YA--- A form of begrudging praise. eg. Corner back's formal recognition of a score by his opponent.

LEH-IT-IN-TA-FUCK-WUD-YA--- plea to deaf ears. eg. Full forwards appeal to a midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass

MULLOCKER---Untidy or awkward player, released for matches from local lockup.

BURST THE BOLLIX---Coaches all-purpose shouted mantra. eg. Instructions from the sideline to tackle your man

ROW---Disagreement involving four or more players, initiated usually 3 minutes after percieved offence has been settled.

MASSIVE ROW---Disagreement involving both teams, including goalies, substitutes and supporters jumping fences

RUNNING ROW---A massive row that continues out in the parking area or dressing room areas, usually resolved by the Gardai.

YELLOW CARD --Referees sanction, though really a public recognition of an effective Joult, Schkelp, or Lamp, by any Mullocker, or Bollix.

RED CARD -- Oscar Time! also known as The Meath P45, or Dublin PE teachers Union card.

Some useful phrases to help you understand the game of hurling.......
Mighty - very good

Hames - a right mess - e.g. "He made a hames of that clearance"

Timber - intimidation of a hurling opponent - e.g. "Give 'em timber!!"

Welt - a slap - e.g. "I gave him a right welt into the ear!"

Lamp - a good thump - e.g. "I lamped him!"

A Crowd – e.g. "that crowd from Ardrahan are a right shower of shites"

Schkelp - a good thump

Bullin' - angry. E.g. "the centre half back was bullin' after I lamped him"

Bull thick - very angry

Joult - a push

Joshel - a shoulder push

The Comm-it-eeee - Local GAA bullshitters in general.

Bushted - eg. "Jayz me arm is bushted"

Bomber - a very popular nickname for a GAA player

A hang sangwidge - consumed with tay on the sides of roads after matches in Croker or Thurles.

Citeóg - he hit it with his citeog. ie. left handed/footed

Warp - hit something hard as in "I'll f**kin' warp you"

Rake - Also a great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness

A Shamozzle - a group of players shkelpin' one another but not exactly hittin' anyone at the same time!

Flakin' - usually goes on for a whole game..... eg. "Jayz Mike Murphy gave Tony Delaney an awful flakin' below in training on Sunday". To "flake" a lad for a whole game usually starts off with a bit of the aforementioned "joshellin'" and "joultin'" and develops into a bit of "weltin'" and may even result in a good "lampin'" for the victim especially if he gets "bull thick".

D'namajaysus - What was that for, referee?

Ya-bollix-ya - Corner back's formal recognition of a score by his opponent

Leh-it-in-ta-fuck-would-ya - Full forward's appeal to a midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass

Mullocker - untidy or awkward players

Horsed - bout of rough play or intimidatory tactics as in "We horsed them out of it!"

Horse - untidy or rough player. There's one in every club (The Legendary “Horse” Delaney)

Row - Fight involving four or more players swinging hurleys like lunatics

Massive Row - Row involving both team,substitutes and supporters jumping fences

Running Row - A massive row that continues out in the parking area and/or dressing room areas

"Come up ta F*ck"- A corner back trying to rise the ball .

"Lord Lantern Jaysus.." - "The next time you do that I'll f**kin kill ya"

"a hape" - A big quantity (Heap)


"in the paw" - To catch the ball.

"a Brawl" - A collection of bodies in disagreement with each other.

"a Dinger" - Usually a fast wing forward who can leave his opponent "for Dust".

"a right C*nt" - The Ref was a bit biased towards the other team.

"Throw it up" - One defenders exclamation to another defender to throw the ball up and strike no matter who is in the way, thought to patented by the Moloneys !!

Lamp - A good thump - eg. "I swung for the ball, missed by 3 feet and lamped their fullback"

A Crowd - A gathering of people that watch a match and hope for random acts of violence eg. "that crowd from Meath are a right shower of ****es"

Schkelp - To remove living tissue in the absence of surgical procedures eg - "That ****e from Tipp took a schkelp out of my leg"

Scoops - One's invitation to another to go out for a few pints (probably Guinness) - eg Fancy a few scoops tonight?

Hatchet Man - Mountainy type,or from south of the county, uses hunter/gatherer instincts.

Bullin' - angry - eg "the centre half back was bullin' after I lamped him"

Bull thick - very angry - eg "the centre half back was bull thick when I lamped him again"

Joult - a push - eg "I gave him a joult and he has to wear a neck brace for two weeks"

The Comm-a-teeee - Local GAA bull****ters in general

Bushted - an undefined soreness eg. "Jayz me arm is bushted"

The Bomber - a very popular nickname for a fat, hairy GAA player

A hang sangwidge - consumed with tay on the sides of roads after matches in Croker or Thurles, usually contains half a pound of butter.

Rake - A great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness the night before an important match

Namajaysus - What was that for, referee?

Row - Disagreement involving four or more players

Massive Row - Disagreement involving both teams, including goalies, substitutes and supporters jumping fences

Running Row - A massive row that continues out in the parking area and or dressing room areas usually resolved by the Gardai

Báta - eg "I gave it báta" - I put a fair bit of effort into it

Stomached - surprised eg. "Jaysus when he came up behind me I was awful stomached"

Bollix - John McLoughlan / Pat Spillane

Mighty - very good

Hames - a right shite - eg. "he made a hames of that clearance"

Timber - intimidation of a hurling opponent

Welt - swing at

Joshel - a shoulder push

Warp - hit something hard as in "I'll f*ckin' warp you"

Blast - A great amount of anything

A Shamozzle - a group of players shkelpin' one another but not exactly hittin' anyone at the same time!

Flakin' - usually goes on for a whole game..... eg. "Jayz Beirne gave Buggy an awful flakin' last Sunday". To "flake" a lad for a whole game usually starts off with a bit of the aforementioned "joshellin'" and "joultin'" and develops into a bit of "weltin'" and may even result in a good "lampin'" for the victim especially if he gets "bull thick".

Horsed - bout of rough play or intimidatory tactics as in "we horsed them out of it". Sometimes referred to as kicking/batin' the shit out of the opposing team.

Horse - untidy or rough player. There's one in every club

Burst the Cunt - Players appeal for his team mate to 'Warp' his opposing number...

Come up ta F**k - A corner back back trying to get ball into his hand

Lord Lantern Jaysus - The next time you do that I'll f**kin kill ya

Hape - A big quantity (Heap)

Paw - To catch the ball e.g. In the Paw

Brawl - A collection of bodies in disagreement with each other

Dinger - Usually a fast wing forward who can leave his opponent "for Dust"

A Right C*nt - An individual that one (or many) does not like e.g. The Ref was a Right C*nt

Cat - Indicates Gloom, Failure, Disgust e.g. That match was just CAT

On Me Ear - Being in the process of being drunk e.g. I was on me ear in the OZONE last night.

Antrim County Jokes

The Ian Paisley Nightmare
The Rev Ian Paisley was electioneering around his hometown of Ballymena when he was struck on the head by an ONeills ball from the nearby All Saints Gaelic Football Club. Big Ian was knocked out cold and was rushed to the nearest hospital. He slipped into a coma and was rushed to the Royal Victoria Hospital in Belfast.
There he lay for five years when he suddenly awoke in a frenzied state. He asked the patient beside him: Whawhats been happening in Royal Ulster, while Ive been asleep?
Well, says yer man in the next bed, its been non-stop here Liam Neeson is the Independent Nationalist MP for Baile Menaigh and North Antrim. Your son, Ian Junior got married there three years ago, to a lovely girl from Toome. And theyve given you another grandson, Id say Ian Og must be nearly four years old now. Big Ian was devastated and fell back into his coma.
A further five years passed before he awoke again. He turned to the boy next to him in the ward.
Is that effer McGuinness still the Minister of Education for Northern Ireland?
For where? the man replied. Oh, Ian. Ive some bad news for you. Three years ago the Queen apologised for all the trouble she and her predecessors had caused, and got the hell out while you were asleep. We have a United Ireland with the Dail based in Crossmaglen and its working out quite well. McGuinness had to step down though, hes running the new Ulster GAA museum.
Ha, said Big Ian, happy that something was going his way. Good enough for him. Where is the museum?
Theyre using Stormont, no point in it going to waste, he replied, which so upset Big Ian, he collapsed once more.
Five years later, Ian woke again. He looked sheepishly to his right, and said to the boy beside him. Whats the latest news on Nortwhats happening here?
Ah Ian, said the young boy, its gone to hell altogether. Rangers beat Celtic last night. The tide was turning Big Ian thought to himself.
Happy days! What was the score?
Ach, 2-21 to 1-17.

You know you're a junior hurler when.....

You know you're a junior hurler when.....

You spend all winter on the beer speculating on who will be brought in to manage the junior hurling team next year.

The hardest tackle you will make all year is in an indoor soccer match in January.

When you break your brother-in-law's leg.

There are 35 at training under lights on a bitter February night (unfit but enthusiastic) - the average for August is 7 (unfit, sick of training, reading Teagasc manuals and making silage)

The club treasurer spends some time at the AGM lamenting the yearly cost of running a club and especially the bill for hurleys; a month later, the team is being urged to "give 'em timber lads - we have plenty of hurleys on the sideline..."

When you go for a pick-up, you tap the ball at least twice on the hurley before you fumble it.

Ground hurling is for juveniles and camogie players.

The full forward has his son and grand nephew in the corners.

The grand nephew is two years older.

For a 2.30 throw-in, you start packing your gearbag at 2.40 and still manage to be on the field before the referee even arrives.

You can get a match called off because your star player is playing divisional under-16 the following week

Your tight marking corner back never gives an inch - except of course, when the ball gets inside his own 50 and he charges out after it with all the other backs, forgetting that the other team are even on the field.

Your goalie lets in a sitter every second game - this usually happens after you have scored 5 points from play to reel in a difficult half-time deficit.

Or in the first minute if it is a final.

Your full-forward can't score but "he's a good man to bust up the play".

Your centre-forward can't score either but "he'll stop a good man from hurling".

Your championship is either a round robin that requires you to play six league games to eliminate one team, or a knockout starting in October.

Any members of your panel who claim to have back injuries are either lazy or completely daft. Unless you can see blood, bruises or bandages, they are making it up.

Before every match, the forwards are told to stay wide and not bunch - but this is not what happens. The only time any forward goes wide is to take a sideline cut or if they are looking for water.

Your backs play from behind waving a hurley with one hand while resting the other on the forward's back - this is why all your scores and all their scores come from frees.

You can't field a team during the fortnight of the Leaving Cert.

The more people instruct you to "let fly if you don't get it up the first time", the more you ignore them.

Your left-corner-back plays at No.4 because he can only strike off his left side.

Your star player always has one other brother "that was even better but he couldn't stay off the drink".

Any offense is meant to be offensive

Any offense is meant to be offensive . . .
By Anon.
Dateline Unknown


Airight muckers , sheepshaggers, Bruces and Sheilas , its that time of the year for my International rules All Star Irish team.

Any offense is meant to be offensive.......

-Timmy Ryan of Killdicken 5-in-a-row fame in the 1960's had a great pair of hands on him and in later life turned out to be one of the great dressing room motivators . Famous for coining the phrases "low and hard like a terriers tool" , "Get your pulls in hard, low and early" Rumours that he helped out Big Joe a week ago are not yet proven.

-Christy Ring was a pure genius with the caman and was known as the Greatest. Was an big idol of Cassius Clay in his pre-Ali days, and many by the Lee still claim he nicked the name off Christy. The Greatest that is and not Ali . Though there is an Ali's chipper in Knocknaheeny that has seen many a good boxin match in its day. Ring has a bridge named after him in his native Cork.

But Butt Bridge in Dublin has nothing to do with Christy's Ring

-Maurice Hickey of Glengully fame in the 1950's was a big bull of a man but his skill levels were lacking. Promising minor career ended after a bad fall off a ladder while hanging Election posters for his brother Willie. Willie later went wild on the drink in Dublin and Maurice took his seat in the Dail. Their mother Philamena , god rest her soul , was a champion chicken plucker in her day and played a bit of camogie in her spare time with her native and neighbouring parish of Lyreacumpane until she met Dan Hickey TD at the crossroad dance in the black winter of 1934. She had 19 children in total most of them with Dan, 17 boys and 5 girls, 13 of the boys played at the same time for Glengully minors. After the fourth set of Twins Mossy and Muiris were born in 1955 she warned Dan , "if you poke me with that thing again I will rip the nuts off you and stick them up your hole". Mossy started a hang sangwigh business in Dublin in 1972 after seeing crowds travelling every year from Tipperary and Kerry with the sangwighes stuffed into pockets or just wrapped in the Irish Press or Kerryman, but he sold it one night while on the batter with Conor Cruise O'Brien for a pint of Guinness and a half packet of Sweet Afton , hense the O'Brien Irish Sangwigh Chain was born. Muiris had a cushy number for years on TV doing voice overs for Martin McGuinness . People were shocked years later to find out Martin was actually from Derry and not from Glengully. Muiris never played football and now reads the angelus on TV and radio.

-Jack Lynch "The Real Deal Taoiseach" went one better than Ring in having a tunnel named after him , It is fondly called Lynch's Hole in places like Waterford , Tipperary , Limerick and Kerry. Only man to win 6-in-a-row .Often seen smoking a pipe during a game , he had so much time.

-Mick Mackey , Those of the Limerick persuasion would discount the greatness of Ring in favour of the bould Mackey , but the enduring question is "what did Mackey say to Ring said that fatefull day" ? Baals Bridge in Limerick is not named after Mick Mackey as some Cork people seem to think !!

-Jacko Shea , A horse of a man , not a bad footballer either. Aussies scared ****less of this plumber from St Mary's Conor Counihan tried his nads for size once , Jack was not impressed and decked him just like he did to that Big Dippstick fellow from Oz.

-Paddy Bawn Brosnan , 3 words , "Oh my f*cking god what an animal."

-Paidi O'Se , Ditto only with 4 words , put another F word before Animal. Only 1 point in 11 finals but many pints afterwards. Famous for being Paidi and for kicking Joe McNally up the hole during the National Anthem in 1985. 27 of his extended family have subsequently played for Kerry all of whom have bought his book.

-Joe Keohane , the less said the better , there may be children reading , and biting someone's knackers off is now considered a crime for some reason ??

-Seamus Darby , One of the greatest goal kicker of all time , famous the world over for his after-goal celebration dance. Michael Flatley tried but failed to copy it and came up with Riverdance instead. Also had a great knack of "marking" the ball , a simple nudge in the back which always went unnoticed. Isn't that right Tommy Doyle?

-Jimmy Five-Bellies Keaveney , The word swagger or was that stagger , was invented for this man , always played well in front of a big hill in Dublin which for some reason always had a big crowd on it. Big mates with Gazza for some reason. Swagger died in 1977 but was re-invented in 2002 by Mr Swagger himself Tommy Lyons. Tommy believed in the power of swagger so much that he was actually hospitilised before one game with a bad dose of swaggeritis or maybe it was just a bad batter burger.

-Babs Keating , The man who fecked off the boots in the 1972 Grand final and gave a great display. Has only 3 toes on his right foot as a result. Also a great motivator but usually for the other team.

-Ger Loughnane , Was one of Timmy Ryan's star pupils in the motivation school , not a bad player but won feck all , hung with a big banner. Has written a best selling book about his life titled "Dont f*ck with my Banner" or something, sold a total of 2 copies in Ogonolow and 1 in Lisdoonvarna to a widowed American woman who thought he was cute.

-Dabollix Spillane , one of the top attackers of all time , a true wizard with both foot and mouth , as Michael O'Heir said "A bamboozling bit of football from Dabollix Spillane". Another great GAH author his first book "Shooting from The Lip" sold out all 15 copies in the first year mainly to members of the greatest football team in the history of sport of which Pat of course was a leading member. Has made a great career after he retired in analysising the 31 weaker counties in the championship. Shoots from the hip and lip. His mother is an Olympic sprinter and is in altitude training on Mt Brandon getting ready for Athens. A great medal hope , Maurice Green better pack the nappies. The only man in Kerry with a personalised PO box ,Dabollix Co Kerry . His second book "****eing from D'arse" is on hold until after the Olympics where there will be a special chapter about his ma.

Speaking of mothers I forgot to mention the special place in Ireland where only the Mothers are sacred , its Our Mammy this and Our Mam that , even "C'mon OurMa", These people dress in funny Orange colours , but actually hate the colour Orange and will fight and protest if one of their neighbours wears the orange or want to go for a stroll down the road while wearing the orange. Many people mainly from the South refer to them as the Orange B*stards because there is never a mention of the da's , I think . Anyway feck it they are now the champions of 2002.

-Ambrose Rodgers and Ambrose O'Donovan , very little to call between these 2 giants of the GAH world , the only real difference being the surnames while O'Donavan had a big mullet and Rodgers was Bald and O'Donovan was from down in Kerry and Rodgers was from up in Down . Both were good old fashioned R & D men around the middle of the field. (Rooters and diggers)

-Bull McCabe was a great man to get around the Field in his day , but Hollywood caught his eye , so a career in the porn industry was his lot. A sad loss to football but "The Bull rides again" has endured well after all those years. Bull made friends in the US with Sean "The Yank" Thornton who came back to Ireland to reclaim the family farm and played minor with Mayo in 1948. He later played the demanding role of John Wayne in The Quite Man a fictional story of land reclaimation in the years before EU grants and CAP. Thornton also survived numerous assasinations attemps by Geronimo and other rather angry Injuns , something about his role as Wayne trying to reclaim the land or some ****e , Thornton or John Wayne Bobbit as he became known in the US was later de-naded by his wife and with Bull's help also got a job in the porn industry. Anyway to make a long story longer, Sean Thornton came from a long line of The Yanks , the second cousin on his mothers side was Danny The Yank Culloty though born in San Francisco , togged out with Newmarket and Cork. Helped the Rebels to 2 titles in 89 and 90 when the Double made its way Lee-side. Partnered the skillless Shay Fahy in Midfield . Fahy was a blow in from the land of the Lily. The Yanks also had cousins in Germany called the Kuentz , a cousin Stefan played the saccer for the Germans in Euro 1996. Stefan came from a long line of Kuentz most of whom have now however emigrated to Australia where I hear they are triving.

-Larry Tompkins another lily****e blowin, suffered from severe sunburn in his early career and many say it was his downfall , has since become a twisted and bitter man. Has major problems with Kerry , counting and all match officials except Frank Murphy whose hole he thinks the sun shines out of , ironically the same sun that sun-burned him !!. Was a bit player for the rebels many years ago , kicked the odd free but mainly moaned a lot, but has failed miserably in his managerial role since with an overdependance on fat lumbering players. Though his latest venture into the GAA DB has faired pretty well with 3 straight victories . Beaten recently by the mighty Trunkie O'Helafant in a tense battle, a re-match is imminent.

-Eddie Everage was a star forner corward with Leitrim minors in the early 1950's but emigrated to OZ because of lack of work. While sleeping one night the family jewels were chewed off , not by Joe Keohane but by a wombat and overnight Eddie became Ednoballs who shortened the name later to Edna . Edna went on to become the leading entertainer in Australia and in later years the Queen of Australia endowed her with a damehood , when in fact it was a langer she wanted to be endowed with.

- Tom Harris was a great midfielder with some midland county in the 1960 but was overshadowed by younger brother Ralph who was blessed with a third leg. The lad was impossible to mark , kicking off left or right or the middle one . Unfortunately Ralph was caught worrying sheep and was deported to Australia where locals pronounced his name as Rolf . Rolf made alot of money with the extra leg and the Australians soon realised he had a great singing talent . Jake the Peg and 2 Little Boys were the 2 songs on his recently released greatest hits . Ralph as he is still known by the cousins in Ireland has also contributed many fine works to the Australian arts world when he also realised the Australians who fell for his singing talents also thought of him as a great Artist.

-Michael Cleary also known as Skippy was a great forward for Tipperary during the 90's and has made good use of his ventriliquism skills to dub in the "tsk tsk tsk" for the Bush Kangeroo who as we all know was unable to speak. Pat Fox and Joe Rabbite have been unable to find any work down under so far.

-Flipper , after years of being exploited and sterotyped as a Dolphin actor has emigrated to Dingle where he does a spot of fishing during the day and at night fills pints in Paddy Bawns Snug and regales the locals with stories of famous West Kerry Footballers. He goes under the name Fungi now for tax reasons.

- As a largely Catholic country we have had numerous wearers of the cloth grace the fields of Irelands over the years though let it be said many were running after sheep or women and not a size 5 O'Neills or pucking a slithor , but thats another story.

But we also have our share of famous Priestly sportmen :

-Bishop Eamon Casey was not much of a player but managed teams in Galway and Kerry before throwing the leg over some ugly American bag , probably the same one who thought Ger Loughnane was cute. Has been exiled to someplace in the Carribean for his penance , fecking years ago it was Van Diemans land or Tasmania or some other hole we used to send the wicked and evil Irish to , now its exile in the fecking Caribean. I hear his camogie team have just won the All-Carribean Senior title for the first time batin' Cubu in the final. Well done to all concerned.

-Fr Jack Hackett had the unique distinction of playing minor, U-21 and Senior hurling and football with Waterford in the 1945 Munster championships. Needless to say Waterford did not win any of them but sin sceal eile. The fact he was 31 at the time was not lost on the Munster Council whom in their endearing wisdom banned him for life from playing. He pleaded that because he was a man of the cloth that he was exempt for such trivial things as age limits. T'was all in vain though as it was in the years before Frank Murphy became involved in Munster affairs and there was no bending of the rules allowed back then and no dioscean money could be freed up for a High court challange. Feck off so said Fr Jack agus sin e. Fr Jack and his brother Tommy later set up Hacketts Bookmakers from a surplus in Dioscean funds in the early 1970's and is still a major share holder. He was later in charge of Dungarvan u12 football team but the pressures of the job got to him and he hit the bottle big time.

He struggled on for years doing his daily 27 masses but the cost to the parish and Diocese in daily alter wine was excessive so the Bishop, who was from Limerick, asked his brother in Newcastlewest who supplied the wine to the church, to bottle a few bottles of uisce from the spring on Baile na Gaon hill to try and wean Jack of the wine , the brother objected saying sure there is nothing but sheeps **** and **** going into that spring and that it was sure to poison someone and who in their right fecking mind would pay money for bottled water anyway. In fact so popular was the water that it took off all over the country and the world and the brother changed the name of his company from Blue Nun to Ballygowan **** Water, except for Jack of course who wouldn't touch the stuff unless it was a mixer to a drop of Paddy . The final straw for the Bishop and poor Jack came at the wedding of Maureen Kinsella, only daughter of the elderly Peggy and Myles Kinsella of the drapery , undertakers and hackney drivers in Main Street Dungarvan to one Maurice Hickey TD and newly appointed Minister of Rural Development of the Glengully parish on the border of Tipperary with Limerick.

Well the sight of 235 Hickeys arriving in the Church with turned down wellies of a green , black or **** colour and all chattering away in that strange brogue people from Glengully used had a bad effect on Jack. While dishing out the Pat The Bakers , he said "Body Of Christ" to Mrs Philamena Hickey , who was pregnant with her 5th set of twins at the time but who always up for a bit of fun and she replied "Babs Keating", and feck it if Jack didn't nut her there on the alter rails , well as you can imagine all hell broke out , Jack barely escaped with his life but he was banished to one of those craggy islands off the west coast of Ireland with nothing better to do only to drink himself into a stupor on Red diesel and Parazone.

However Jack has pullled himself around and after a spell as a manager of a lap dancing joint in Leeson Street called Feck'n'Arse'n'Girls now has a cookery program on TV3.

-Fr Iggy Clarke was a star wing back hurler with Galway in the 1980's , but he missed the famous final in 1980 due to some injury or other , maybe he could not get someone to cover the 11 O'Clock mass in Oranmore that morning or was on his way in a Pilgramage to Knock or some other place where the locals saw a statue doing a jig. Everyone says he was one of the greats never to get a medal , but he has God so he's happy I suppose. A Celtic Cross to show the grandchildren would have been nice all the same.

-Fr Ted Crilly RIP, like Paidi O'Se also kicked someone up the arse , and in his case it was also a fat f*cker from Dublin but not Joe McNally only Bishop McNally, his sporting life lay in tatters after that and he went into exile also somewhere near the Arran Islands . Rumour has it he was seen in a TV sit com , but its only a rumour , isn't that right Ted.

- Fr Dougal Maguire need no further description only to say that the world of GAA lost one of its brightest and skilful young stars when he got on the bus to Maynooth. Whatever the Chistian Broithers did to him there is unknown , but he did win Eurovision in 1987 with a rousing rendition of that traditional Irish ballad , My Little Pony. Keep her Lit Dougal , Keep her lit !! Dougal's great-grandfather Sam was from west Cork and has the honour of being presented to the Winners each year of the Senior Football Championship. Well not him really , that would be quite morbid and sick as he died in 1920, but a cup named and shaped in his honour. He was a small butty block of a man who got the English playing GAA in London . Fecking lot of good it did , he was wasting his time I'd say as they perfer the cricket and tennis !!

- The O'Dwyer family from Kerry deserve special mention , triplets who were born over a 3 year period have gone on to manage 3 different counties Micko in Kerry , Mick in Kildare and Michael will take over in Laois very soon. They have good breeding though as their mother was a tug of war anchor in the great South Kerry team of 1931 . She was a fair woman to foot a bank of turf too when a footer was required or tin a few rows of turnips when the tinning was upon them , Shearing sheep, fishing , pulling calves , thatching the roof and testing hens for eggs with the long finger were her other traits . The father was an avid reader.

- Gearoid Adams ,father's name is Gerry , plays full forward for Antrim football and hurling. Has been playing senior intercounty football since he was 5 and is leading scorer in Antrim football and hurling since he was 7 . No fullback or goalkeeper have laid a hand on him since young Sammy Donaldson tried to mark him in a school kick about, Donaldson has had a pair of wonky knees every since.

- Mick Hogan from Tipperary , shot by the Brits on Bloody Sunday for playing football in Croke Park. You heard it right the first time , "Football for Tipperary in Croke Park" , if it wasn't so serious and true it would be really funny .

-On a lighter note many people in Australia do not know where Longford is, well many people in Ireland do not know where Longford is. But the dears have not had many chances to shine on the National GAA stage but they have a great referee in John Bannon , f*cker. How he missed the blatent push on little innocent Gooch in the First half of the final in still baffling , that could have been the point to draw the match. But I'm not bitter. Their minors put in a few great performances this year so there is some hope for them I guess. Also we should never forget where Eddie Macken and Boomerang came from , yes Longford , okay I'm struggling now for other Longford heros. Which leads us nicely on to Shergar , C'mon OurMa hand the f*cker back now we all know he's been grazing somewhere in south OurMa for the last 20 years, ye have the fecking Sam Maguire now so the joke is over . Lord Lucan should be let loose too and for fecks sake will ye ever free the Renault five. There has to be at least one more derby left in Shergar , IG what odds on Shergar for the Budwiser next year in the Curragh.....ridden by Lord Lucan or maybe Lester Piggot who has ridden and been ridden a few times in his life , is he still in jail by the way ?

-David Trimble , though not a avid GAA fan has been known to watch a game or 2 from his Union Jack lined closet, For the Aussies , that the wee bit of your flag we wipe our arse with when the kleenex have run out. David is a wearer of the orange with pride and is a champion road bowler in South OurMa. Was refused permission to take part in this years All Ireland as it took place in some place called The Garvahy Road and Trimble refused to walk it because it was not a traditional place for road bowling and the locals objected to his wearing of the orange. Strange people indeed.

-Nudie Hughes , probably the first and only man to play football who was 5 feet 3 high and 6 feet 2 wide.Widescreen TV was invented for this man . Played with Monaghan in their 2 great years of 1979, when unfortunately for them Kerry were in the second year of a 5-in-a-row run , the fact we only got to four-in-a-row is because of that little dancing bollix I mentioned earlier called Seamus Darby O'Gill Nudie also played again in 1985 where Kerry were on the second year of another 3-in-a-row run. Nudie hates Kerry for some reason.

Amazingly Nudie picked up All stars in both years. Must have been sympathy on his size and his name.

Nudie as you can imagine is not his real name , he got his nickname from an incident with one of the Sisters of Mercy in Castleblaney National school , Nudie always being one of small fellows was the perfect height for peeping through the keyhole in the girls toilet , but its not what you are thinking.

One day while smoking turf dust and having a drop of Powers in the bushes out the back of the school while aged 4 , the bushes caught fire , and Eugene as he was known by the family at home, was seen waddling away by the principle Sister Gertrude. Well the batin she gave him with the leather strap left young Eugene in tears , but he was a tough little fecker and he would not give in to her interrogation . Anyway after 33 hours Eugene could finally take no more and finally blurted out what most people in the parish knew , "f*ck you Gertie , I saw you and Father Hackett (no relation to Jack) in the back of his Cortina and you were both in the nudie and at it like a pair of rabbits , so there ya auld cow".

-Denis Taylor played football with Tyrone until he was told to wear those huge glasses by his local doctor . The doctor made a mistake with the address on the prescription as it should have been Denny Taylor who got the glasses and he lived next door to Denis , The 2 Taylor families were not related however which was very unusual for that part of the country. Denny was a promising snooker players in his teens but because he never received the right glasses he ended up giving up the sport when he turned 20 . He later drove his Honda Fifty into the arse of a parked cow and killed himself. Some say it was suicide , other claim it was a combination of the bad eyesight and the 17 pints of Guinness and 12 Jamesons he had after Tyrone lost the 84 Ulster final . In any case the glasses proved a huge hindrance to the skillfull Denis Taylor to such an effect he also had to give up the sport he loved. People were already comparing him to another great , he was also small, fat and butty like the bould Nudie .

He took to the bottle like so many Irishmen and women before him and soon found himself playing alot of pool in pubs around Tyrone. He was so good at it that Barry Hearn , the man who took over Barry McGuigan's career after Barney Eastwood had ripped him off , and who finally ended McGuigan's career by ripping him off some more, offered Denis a contract playing snooker. The following year in Sheffield's Crucible , Taylor beat the Commonwealth champion Steve Davis in a trilling final that went to the last black Ball. Taylor later claimed he could have wrapped up the game at any time and was only toying with Davis. Typical Tyrone guff. Anway Kerry sorted them out in the AI Final in 1986 , If Denis Taylor was playing he also claimed they never would have conceded a 7 point half time lead to lose by 8 points. To this day Denis still has perfect eyesight and still wonders why he got those glasses. Like Nudie he also dislikes Kerry.

Kilkenny County Jokes

Lad who fouled DJ can still get off hook.
Keith Duggan
August 23rd 2003

Sideline Cut: An Open Letter To The Lad Who Nicked DJ's Beemer.

Dear Lad, Are you stone mad? Do you not realise the power of the man whose honour you have just insulted? He is not just a man, he is The Man.

You have enraged an entire county, pal. Kilkenny men are dead civil at the best of times, but gosh, have you never seen them on the rampage? Look, your position is to be sympathised with. Undeniably, the circumstances in which you find yourself today are unfortunate. Of all the diesel joints in all the world, you had to pick this one.

The chances of acquiring the very set of wheels belonging to the most famous sportsman on this island are slim but somehow you managed it. Don't you watch The Sunday Game? Haven't you heard the tone of divine awe with which Cyril talks of DJ? And more to the point, didn't you recognise DJ as he stood beside the diesel pump? To be fair, the fact that he was out of context might have thrown you. It's hard to imagine DJ doing anything other than scoring goals in Croke Park. It is certainly difficult to imagine him doing something as mundane as filling a tank full of diesel, BMW notwithstanding.

And perhaps he was wearing street clothes. Maybe in jeans and a shirt, DJ looks the same as anyone else. Although I must admit, when I envisage the scene it is impossible to see DJ wearing anything other than his Kilkenny outfit. Standing at the petrol pumps in his black and amber number 14 shirt, pressed white shorts and polished boots. He is even wearing his black glove and has the famous hurl in his hand and taps a sliotar against the unleaded pump as he waits for his tank to fill. Other motorists wave in recognition as they see the famous figure and a few ask for autographs.

"Howya, DJ?" they call. "You're hard at it." "Ah sure, doin' a bit," the legend replies in his easy, down-to-earth way as he jogs into the shop to pay.

And when I heard DJ had bravely pursued his stolen car along the dual carriageway, the only vision I could muster was that of the Kilkenny star in a flat-out sprint along the hard shoulder. The beauty of it was that he ran while soloing the sliotar on his hurl. Hell, he probably even laid off a perfect pass for Charlie Carter at some point of the chase, just on instinct.

Other motorists would have thought nothing of it.

"You have to hand it to DJ," they would have marvelled as he zoomed past, waving and smiling apologetically, rubbing the curly heads of infants thrust out of car windows for benediction, frantically signing autographs and pausing for Polaroids on request.

"You'll not see Alan Shearer training like that and him on 60 grand a week," they would have praised as DJ sprinted away again, staying well clear of the articulated trucks, quite literally a hurler on the ditch.

The way I see it, Lad, is that you were just beginning to feel comfortable in your newly acquired motor when you caught sight of what you loosely recognised to be a GAA man in your rear-view mirror, hurling his way up the road behind you at a fantastic rate of knots.

Maybe yourself and the boys had visited your local cinema on Friday night to see Arnie in Terminator 3 and so you believed that this vision, this mixed-up version of life imitating art, was your mind playing tricks with you. So you pulled off the main road and found a country hostelry where you got yourself a settler, something to steady the nerves.

At this point, you probably already knew you weren't driving the Beemer of just any old mortal. You were probably a little disconcerted as you flicked through the channels in search of MAD FM to find all the stations tuned into Kilkenny radio.

You probably found yourself answering the car phone and fielding 15 different interview requests before you had even made it as far as fifth gear. Perhaps you agreed, to your immense surprise, to the request of a persuasive and mildly scary lady who called herself Sister Agnes to turn up in County Cork the next morning to present medals at an under-10 sports day.

As you rifled through the glove compartment (a place where, having appropriated hundreds of motors over the years, you have discovered everything under the sun except gloves), you might have had time to read some of the many letters that began "Dear DJ".