Kerry County Jokes
the Bold Maurice Fitz in action
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Taken from the front page of the Irish Times the Monday after the Cork V Kerry Championship Semi-Final
Kerry Paramedics
Kerry Skyscraper
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Q. What do Kerry footballers use for contraception?
A. Their personalities. - Cork fan.
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THE ANALYST Weeshie Fogarty, Radio Kerry IN a sense Weeshie Fogarty is the prototypical Kerry man. The man walked the walk with county teams and now talks the talk on one of the most successful independent stations in the country.
Fogarty, who played and refereed at inter-county level, began his broadcasting career sharing the commentary booth with Liam Higgins, analysing and dissecting games for some of the most knowledgeable football fans in Gaeldom.
But you always had the feeling that the trickle of words was about to become a raging torrent. It duly did with the creation of Terrace Talk - a weekly programme devoted firstly to all things GAA, even if the agenda is broader these days.
Though the programme has a string of national awards, it has not lost its local feel, with Fogarty's easy-going Killarney tones directing operations.
"I feel that I am after filling a niche in local radio," he admits. "I deviate from the way in which GAA is traditionally dealt with. I come at if from a different perspective as I bring in GAA personalities and talk about their lives and their careers not just the games they played in.
"To hear people like Mick O'Connell or Mick O'Dwyer talking to their own people is an amazing thing. I let them tell their stories and it is wonderful.
"I wouldn't be sensational or courting controversy. These guys are only amateurs. If they were professionals, it would be a different thing."
But Fogarty is not afraid to say the controversial thing in his role as co-commentator. He has seen many incredible days including three All-Ireland SFC final wins. But there is one trip to Croke Park which still causes him pain.
"The Kerry-Meath semi-final in 2001, when they were hammered, was one of the worst defeats I ever had to commentate on. The team were simply stuck to the ground. It was incredible. I thought they were tired looking and embarrassing. All I could do was to keep saying that. When we are analysing games from high up, you see moves that be should be made but aren't and you grow frustrated and disheartened."
But for all the criticisms and complaints directed towards local radio, Fogarty makes the following final call: "Can you imagine if all the local radio stations closed tomorrow morning - there would be bedlam. Doing a match, you are talking about history in front of your eyes and you are in the position to record that for so many people. It has revolutionised football in Kerry and, indeed, nationwide."
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The Kerry Family Jewels.
The Munster Football Final between Cork and Kerry and centre back Conor Counihan takes it upon himself to feel up Jack O’Sé’s privates, Vinny Jones style, and on live TV too. A near riot ensued with the Bomber Liston distinguishing himself with the haymakers he delivered in the ensuing melée.
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The Meath Calamity?
Meath v Kerry All-Ireland Semi-Final 1986. Brian Stafford is dispossessed out the field. Ogie Moran drills a hopeful ball forward. Mick Lyons, Joe Cassells and Mickey McQuillan all decide to go for the one ball. Roguishly Lyons tries to push Ger Power (Kerry) out of the way, but collides with the advancing McQuillan while Cassells is tripped by Lyons outstretched leg. The ball bounces helpfully into Power’s path and the resultant goal decides the course of the encounter.
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Why Paddy Cullen Has Such A Good Sense Of Humour!
Dublin leads Kerry (1978). Cullen advances off his line to deal with an easy clearance. He collects and fists to Robbie Kelleher but brushes off Kerry’s Ger Power on his way back to the house. Kildare ref Seamus Aldridge blows for a free. The gentleman he is Kelleher hands the ball to Mikey Sheehy while Cullen argues with Aldridge. A realization hits Cullen. The Dublin publican later described that he could ‘see in his face what he was going to do.’ But perhaps Con Houlihan made a better description: ‘Cullen raced back to the goal not unlike a woman who could smell something burning in her oven.’ Kerry went on to win by seventeen points.
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Anyone Seen Sam?
In 1959 Kerry won their 19th All-Ireland, and the great Mick O’Connell must have been bored with the whole affair. After hammering Galway that September day O’Connell as captain was responsible for Sam Maguire but left it in the dressing room. O’Connell had been married the previous day and perhaps there was something else on his mind. Sam rested among the kit bags for a few hours before someone asked about its whereabouts.
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Kerry Fans
A Primary School teacher in Tralee explains to her class that she was a big
fan of Colm Cooper. She asks her students to raise their hands if they,too,
think Colm Cooper is only georgeous and the best Kerry Player oof 2004.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary,why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a a Colm Cooper fan. I think hes a Kerry knacker," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked asked, "Well, if you are not a Cooper fan,then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Cork supporter by God's grace, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Cork fan?" .
"Because my mum is from Mallow and supports Cork, and my dad is from Blackrock and is a Cork Suppoter fan so
I'm a Cork football supporter too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a
fan of Cork Football. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.
What if your mum was a arsehole and your dad was a arsehole too, what would you be then?"
"Then", Mary smiled, "We'd be Kerry fans."
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Paidi's South African Diary Part 1:
Day 1 -
Leave behind that miserable country Ireland, its people and it weather for a few days. Bad f*ckin hangover this morning , f*ckin porter is only brutal out here and what kind of crap were they feeding us on the flight over, jaysus in Micko's day it was first class all the way , You wouldn't get this back in my place in Ard an Bothair. You would imagine they would know a thing or two about a Black out here, but I'm not a racist type unless you are talking about those knackers in Tralee and Killarney.
Was I speaking to a journalist last night? I hope he does not print some of the stuff I told him, sure it was only a windup and I was pissed. Typical Jackeen to take the bait.
Afternoon Day 1 -
Well as I have now served 4 months "hard John O'Keeffe-style training" since I was appointed to Bord Failte and it’s a new year so I suppose its about time I did a bit of work for the handy money they are paying me to promote Ireland, we can't all be swanning around the world like my good friend and GAA confidant Brian Cowan even though I write this from the comfort of the lovely 5 Star hotel where my Kingdom is camped for the next 2 weeks.
Anyway today I start the campaign to get more Irish people to travel to South Africa , lovely place pity about all the blacks loping around. I know Bord Failte wants to get more people to visit Ireland , but f*ck that , who would want to live there , full of filthy animal types all speaking with the Queens tongue , tractors congesting the pot holed filled roads and corrupt polititians , but not I might add in my beloved Fianna Fail. Jaysus I used to be a big fan of Jimmy Deenihan until he defected to the Fine Girleens. Did you hear the cowardly hoor on TV before Christmas saying when Pat O'Neill broke his big nose in New York in 1978 , the punch was actually meant for me !! Feck it I never touched Pat O'Neill in my life, 'twas that prat David Hickey I struck.
Off to play golf now with Darragh, Tomas, Marc, Dara and Aodain. Wouldn't trust the rest of those Kerry hoors. Stick to your own crowd I say.
Aodain wins the kitty today at the golf.
Day 2 -
Wake at 2pm, new hangover there feeling rough, did not get any Bord Failte work done yesterday as we went on the beer after the golf, maybe today. Meet Gooch at lunch saying he has sunburn on his skinny little legs and arms, "F*ck off I tell him , its not Larry Tompkins you are , when you have won what I have won come back to me".
Johno had the lads up at 6 this morning doing laps , the West Kerry Lads like myself stayed in the cot as we did a few laps last night of this dancing place Tomas found , none of that carry on I'd say in Ard an Bothair.
T'is a f*ckin holiday and not a training camp we have here, I keep trying to tell him. Pony is complaining about all the hard work, I tell him to discuss it with O'Keeffe , what am I supposed to do for him . F*ck sake you would swear I was the manager or something and me trying to do my bit for promoting Ireland.
Visited a shanty town near Durban today, reminded me of Listowel, a right shit hole of a place. When I asked the locals if they had ever heard of Ireland, they started chanting something like Keanoooo or some thing, I said "f*ck off , I'm Paidi O Se , 8 times All Ireland Champion as a player and twice a Manager and the hardest man in GAA to boot" but they carried on with their Keanooo, my lovely blonde translator Kitty finally got the translation from Swahili or whatever they speak into Irish to which my reply was "yerra will you go away with your Roy Keane, sure my Darragh is twice the man he is , I'd have nothing to do with those Cork c*nts anyway". Did you hear the one about the striking GAA players in Cork, it wouldn't happen in my Kingdom. You would want to really upset my players to get them on strike.
Marc wins the golf today and Kitty is delighted, though he was cheating a bit on the back nine, but as I say myself a bit of cheating never hurt anyone , the fecking county board though owes me 10 grand for that little red card incident of Darragh's last year. A ram never forgets!
Day 2 evening -
Have dinner with the lads.......from west Kerry. The rest of the Kerry boys are in bed. Johno has them swimming in the morning. We are going out fishing when we wake up in the afternoon. Must have a word with the county board , maybe if I let them drop the 10 grand , they might allow Fergal O'Se into the squad. Jaysus he is very lonely at home on his own , he'd be much better off training in Tralee or Killarney. Also I want Paidi Óg as the official mascot for the 2003 season. It won't do him any harm to be involved and will be good practise when he follows in my footsteps, which he surely will. Good breeding there I tell you , they don't call me the Ram for nothing !!
Day 3 Afternoon -
Well if the shit didn't hit the fan today. John O’Keeffe has a face on him like a boiled shite. Pony rambles by without saying his usual sarcastic "Morning Mr O'Se hope you had a good sleep" its an old joke now between us but its the way he tells them, Gooch looks like a roasted tomato and even my comrade from the West Dara O'Cinneide has a look on his face as if I farted , which I just did , its the feckin porter out here I tell you.
How was training I say at our daily meeting, no response. Johno finally says "the facilities here are just crap Paidi, we have to train on an excellent all weather soccer field. The lads just wont do it anymore, there was supposed to be a muck laden field prepared for us and where is Banna Strand and Mount Brandon you promised us for the winter training here. How am I supposed to have them in peak condition if they are prancing around like Jason McAteer's "? , "Jason Who" I throw in casually but it does not lift the gloom. "Where is the stuff for the sunburn , poor Gooch and the other Redheads cant take it no more , "yerra let them eat cake the red in-breds" I retort . Liam Hassett is fuming at the cheeks, though with the ears on him you would think he would be able to cool himself down like an Elephant. "And whats with this fancy Adidas gear says O'Keeffe, we are supposed to only have standard O'Neills heavy balls and jerseys" . "I'll give you heavy balls in a moment" I reply . He then called me a West kerry c*nt and stormed out.
Well I looked around and asked if anyone else wanted to follow him and they did , except for Darragh , Tomas , Marc , Aodain and Dara O'Cinneide , they know what side their butter is jammed on I tell you.
The lads let me win the golf to put a smile back on the auld Ram
Day 4 late morning –
The hotel is full of reporters looking for a quote , I have a savage hangover again , and just say "f*ck off will ye those Kerry lads are a shower of Feckin animals" and when asked if they can print that, I say you can stick it up your black arse for all I care.
Play golf , Dara O Cinneide wins with no cheating , Kitty looks pleased.
Anyway down to work. I have agreed with Kerry Group and Bord Failte to re-shoot the Kerry Gold butter ad , you know the one where Cinneide says "....and Kerry is the Kingdom" . Away with such Leprechaunish drivel. People want to know what the Real Kerry is about. The last line will now be read by me pulling a pint in Tigh Paidi and Will read "....and Kerry is my Kingdom so dont f*ck with me" . That should please the Tralee crowd in Austin Stacks and John Mitchels !! The f*ckin animal lovers in Kerry will get their way because we will remove all images of dogs and dolphins as man so called best friend and replace them with pictures of the O'Se clan in action, The Puck Fair goat will be replaced by a Mount Brandon Ram , symbol of all that is good about West Kerry and me. Also following the kind words of wisdom of Brian Cowan , who would know about these things from his worldly travels, the village of "Inch" will be renamed "Twenty Five Point Four Millimeters" to further enhanse our area in the eyes of the Europeans who will be flocking here to my pub in the years ahead looking for they ancestors. Any resemblense to my good self will obviously be purely coincedental. Brian has also given me government approval to charge 10 Euro per pint for my troubles. Did you know that Brian is one of the foremost knowledgeable GAA friends I have , but more of that later. Play golf again , Darragh O'Se wins , Kitty storms off in a huff.
Day 5 - Afternoon.
Well if the last few days were bad, "you ainst seen nothing yet" ,as Big Tom used to say. Was woken at 1.30 in the feckin afternoon by the sound of Marc crying, jaysus the poor garsun needs his Liga every morning and some hoor had Swiped it last night when we were out. I blame Donal Daly who is only a quarter the player of my Darragh and is dead jealous of all of us O'Se's and our medals. I called an EGM with the players to find out what was going on but found out they were training again with O'Keeffe. Feckin training will be the ruin of them. Be much more in their line to be enjoying the free holiday, we don’t get much from those mean hoors in the County Board, so enjoy it. Its fine for them to be flying around the place in first class while I am stuck sitting in the back with my players, with my knees wedged into the arse of the hoor in front of me. Not in Micko's time I tell you.
Just on the way out for the afternoon now and there are a group of players carrying out some kind of protest in the lobby of the hotel. Kerry players chanting "We only get Marieta , the O'Se's have Liga , We want the Bomber, Paidi Out" . The Bomber was nothing before we taught him how to drink way back in 1978. What has he done since, win one county championship and with a feckin Tralee team from Strand Road, not even with his own crowd. I would not piss in Strand road for they would have the steam bottled before you got a chance to shake it. What ever bit of respect we had for him is gone now, the lanky beardy hoor and me with another hangover. I tell Johnno to sort It out I have better things to be worrying about, like who stole Marc's Liga. And I told the players spokeman Liam Hassett they could all feck off. I will manage the team and will pick it based on merit. Therefore Kerry will be represented by the Gaeltacht senior team in 2003, with Darragh O'Se as Captain and yours truly as player manager probably at full back. So there.
Johnno calls a team meeting while I go fishing with my boys.
Finally while on the bus to the fishing we see the missing Ligas and we deduced that the black hoor of a bus driver Today Mulapoo took the packet saying he was hungry which was never a good excuse in my book , which I will remind you was called "I'm Paidi , dont f*ck with me" , (TM), and was better than that tripe produced by the Mouth Spillane., but all is well again, Marc wins the golf and has to pay for the beer for tonight as a prize. The moral of the afternoon is if "Today takes the f*ckin biscuit......catch the hoor and break his f*ckin fingers before he can do it again !!"
My Friend Brian Cowan rings on my lovely new Bord Failte sponsored mobile. He says there is uproar in Kerry over my comments, that I am being portrayed as some kind of racist or bigot whatever that is. What f*ckin comments I want to know the f*ckin animals there will be looking for my head again I suppose, nothing new there, good job I have thick skin as well as a thick head. F*ckin Kerry hoors are never happy , pure animals the lot of them. Something about what I said to that failed cyclist jackeen fellow Kimmage. Can he not treat a friendly chat over a few pints as a bit of craic and not be looking for a scoop all the time. Good job he didn't mention the time I gave him a bag of those auld anabollix steroids I was using on a few bullocks at home. They never seemed to work for us. Didn't do Kimmage much use on the rothar either, the useless bollix, my mother on her High-Nelly would be faster than him.
Brian in his Biffdom recomends playing the trump card, Maurice Fitz, to get us out of the shit. Jaysus I dont want him back at all. What with his tanned legs , we will have to splash out a fortune on the Gooch and MFR for fake tans to match them up with that hoor from Cahirciveen. What has he done for me lately, scoring a few points when we bring him off the bench but taking all the limelight away from my Darragh who is 3 times the man and twice the footballer. Feck it I would score half those points myself if I was sober.
Spillane also rings saying to bring back Fitz, I tell him to go f*ck himself , what in the name of Christ would he know about football, another Klingon from the glory years , you never saw me limping around the place with hamstrings and bandages. Jimmy Deenihan rings too but I don’t take the call. Martin Ferris rings to say I will be missing a kneecap if I don't issue an apology, yes Martin you a brave hoor now that you are a TD, just like Spring and Deenihan, I'm shitting.
Lifelong Friend of Fianna Fail and thus my best friend Jackie Healy Rae also rings, but even Kitty with all her 14 languages cannot figure out what the f*ck he is trying to say. I agree with him anyway to keep the party line happy. Wouldn't want to be seen pissing in Bertie's Bowl now would you, not with an election only 4 years away. Paidi O'Se, Publican, Kerry Manager, TD , Minister and King of An Gaeltacht will have a nice ring to it or should I use Padraig. Will I have to give up the Bord Failte gig for that one, must check it out with Brian.
Day 6 Morning -
Slept well, dreaming of the Dail Bar and government junkets, woke up dehydrated. Raid mini bar again. Ahhhh thats better.
Day 6 Afternoon -
Wake up refreshed with a slight hangover but at least the bags under my eyes are grand which is always a good sign of a man, that and a big arse I always say. Time to bite the bullet so I have 9 pints at thebar while I hatch my plan.
Send fax to Radio Kerry saying Fitz has signed for An Gaeltacht and will tog out for Kerry in 2003 without doing any training. 30 mins later send another fax retracting my original statement. 1 Hour later send original fax again with the foot note that Pony (Seamus Moynihan) will also join. Ring Fitz but he is on the sun bed and has poor mobile coverage. Meet Pony in the Sauna but says he will not play for Gaeltacht as long as there is an O'Se on the team so I have to send second fax again with the new footnoot that Pony will not join us and is to go off with his ex Glenflesk colleague Johnny Cash to Cork. They are welcome to him too, Pony is overrated totally in my book, "I'm Paidi, don’t f*ck with me" (TM). He was never a full back in the mould of the Great Paddy Bawn Brosnan or myself even though I played in the corner, but sure I spent half the time covering the mistakes of that langer John O'Keeffe while still holding my direct opponents to 1 point in 10 All ireland finals, a horse of a f*ckin man is what I was and I'm still covering for O'Keeffe. But that’s what happens when we have 5 selectors in Kerry who know shit about picking a team, playing a fellow at full back just because he's a good footballer. Jaysus the Bawn is spinning in the grave.
Day 6 Evening -
Mobile coverage in Kerry crashes as people ring everyone with my utter confusion, send final fax saying I had nothing to with any of the previous faxes, can't beat a cute hoor like myself for a bit of confusion by throwing the cat among the rolling stones. Maurice returns my call and I ask him would he like to be involved with us next year, he would be delighted to give it one more lash, so I tell him he will be a big asset to us carrying the water bottles at the games for the O'Se family but he will have to do some training, we can’t have the water carrier panting and collapsing after a short burst accross the pitch to give a drop of water to Tomas or Darragh. For the craic I send another fax on County board paper signed by Sean Walsh saying I have been replaced by Micko with Fungi as his assistant. That should stir it up a bit for tomorrow !!
Golf cancelled as Kitty has ran away with the Bus driver and we have no one left to pull our trolleys. Maybe we should kidnap the Gooch and force him to do it.
Day 7 Afternoon –
An easy day so stay in the cot, worn out from the pressure of my high profile job in Bord Failte.
Day 7 Evening -
The Bike Kimmage has flown out for another exclusive, agree and get him to buy an expensive dinner and drinks for the night for us in this nice fancy restaurant, then I give him a kick up the hole and tell him to pick a story out of that , the useless bollix !!
More Later....
Paidi
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Extracts from a GAA Pundits Diary
This is an entirely fictional character and any similarities with any individual, living or dead, are completely coincidental
Day 1:
Another Monday, another cheque in the back pocket from RTE thanks to my witty, outrageous and controversial 'Monday Feedback' corner on the Monday Game. The moneys good but it would want to be - dragging me up to this shitheap every week away from my beautiful Kingdom. On the upside though, I was backstage in 'makeup' this evening, when who should walk in but Sharon Ni Bheoilan, the chick from the News I wouldn't mind going up for a 50/50ball with her-if you catch my meaning. I think I'll give her a signed copy of my excellent autobiography that usually has the babes begging for some Kingdom-Love.
I don't know why I have to go into makeup anyway-they usually sit me beside those gobshites O'Rourke and Lyster in the studio - sure no makeup could clean those two cunts up -especially O'Rourke, the f*€kwit looks like some horrible genetic experiment gone wrong. I read through my emails, phone calls and letters - you know I don't like Clare f*€kers but that psycho Loughnane made one good point in his life - its only nutters that bother ringing into these programs they should get a life - in fact I think I'll bring that into my rant this evening.
Joe Brolly is the other guest tonight, the nordy cunt. Thinks he's as outspoken as me, what the f*€k would he know - with only one All-Ireland to his name Lyster that smarmy bollix seems to like him though I don't trust that f*€ker Apparently Brolly is a barrister. What kind of nordy Catholic is a barrister? an orange one I'd say. He'll take some watching
Day 2: - a few days later:
Its great being a GAA pundit - spout some shite a couple of times a week and laugh all the way to the bank. Take today for instance, I was sitting in the jacks having a nice dump when all of a sudden I remember 'shit I have to have my Sunday Worst column submitted by this evening'. Its f*€king demeaning to have to write for that rag, what do they know about the beautiful sport of Gaelic Football anyway the shower of jackeen b@$£@*ds?
Anyway, back to the column - I write a splendid piece of prose about how great the Munster Final is when its Cork and Kerry competing and those inbreds in Clare and Tipp are knocked out. I suppose I'll be getting death threats from the Clare cunts again - they're so f*€king touchy. They know they have no right to be even on the same pitch as the mighty, majestic is provoke, to analyse, to spout shit - and I do it so well.
Day Number 3:
Back on the Monday Game for the 'Feedback' slot. No sign of Sharon in makeup, pity. Brolly comes into the studio - he's becoming a bit of a fixture around here. I start whistling 'The Sash' - I think it throws him off his stride a bit. Lyster brought up the subject of Offaly football. Offaly -those cheating b@$£@*ds - I'll never forgive them for '82, scum - that's all they are.
I tell the nation what I feel - shoot from the hip. Brolly tries to cut across me, tell him to shut up, he hasn't got enough All-Ireland medals to interrupt me. After the show, he won't talk to me - what would you expect from an Orange b@$£@*d?
Day 4:
I met Micko the other day. Kildare are out (not f*€king surprising really, the shower of cripples) and he's contemplating his future. All the papers were saying he was the greatest football manager of all time. In fairness its easy to be a good manager when you have the greatest player ever to grace a sports pitch of any description on your side.
I told him so as well - I said 'Mick, I'm the reason we won so much, not your f*€king training routines and diets - what good did they do Kildare? You had to bring that useless garsoon offspring of yours up there with you and he was their best player'. We parted company - I love meeting Micko, we have great chats.
Non-GAA Kerry Joke
Two Kerrymen in a jungle come upon a sleeping lion.One of the men, with a fondness for messing, picks up a stone and throws it at the lion, and begins to run away.His comrade stands perfectly still, and does'nt seem the least bit worried that this lion is running towards him and is twenty feet away.His friend turns around and shouts "Why aren't you running?",to which his comrade replys "Shur I didn't throw nottin at him.""
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Taken from the front page of the Irish Times the Monday after the Cork V Kerry Championship Semi-Final
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Best of Kerry comp
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Best of Kerry (2)
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Taken from the front page of the Irish Times the Monday after the Cork V Kerry Championship Semi-Final
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Ouch. Seamus Moynihan bites while Brendan Jer O' Sullivan Gouges |
Kerry Paramedics
Kerry Skyscraper
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Q. What do Kerry footballers use for contraception?
A. Their personalities. - Cork fan.
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THE ANALYST Weeshie Fogarty, Radio Kerry IN a sense Weeshie Fogarty is the prototypical Kerry man. The man walked the walk with county teams and now talks the talk on one of the most successful independent stations in the country.
Fogarty, who played and refereed at inter-county level, began his broadcasting career sharing the commentary booth with Liam Higgins, analysing and dissecting games for some of the most knowledgeable football fans in Gaeldom.
But you always had the feeling that the trickle of words was about to become a raging torrent. It duly did with the creation of Terrace Talk - a weekly programme devoted firstly to all things GAA, even if the agenda is broader these days.
Though the programme has a string of national awards, it has not lost its local feel, with Fogarty's easy-going Killarney tones directing operations.
"I feel that I am after filling a niche in local radio," he admits. "I deviate from the way in which GAA is traditionally dealt with. I come at if from a different perspective as I bring in GAA personalities and talk about their lives and their careers not just the games they played in.
"To hear people like Mick O'Connell or Mick O'Dwyer talking to their own people is an amazing thing. I let them tell their stories and it is wonderful.
"I wouldn't be sensational or courting controversy. These guys are only amateurs. If they were professionals, it would be a different thing."
But Fogarty is not afraid to say the controversial thing in his role as co-commentator. He has seen many incredible days including three All-Ireland SFC final wins. But there is one trip to Croke Park which still causes him pain.
"The Kerry-Meath semi-final in 2001, when they were hammered, was one of the worst defeats I ever had to commentate on. The team were simply stuck to the ground. It was incredible. I thought they were tired looking and embarrassing. All I could do was to keep saying that. When we are analysing games from high up, you see moves that be should be made but aren't and you grow frustrated and disheartened."
But for all the criticisms and complaints directed towards local radio, Fogarty makes the following final call: "Can you imagine if all the local radio stations closed tomorrow morning - there would be bedlam. Doing a match, you are talking about history in front of your eyes and you are in the position to record that for so many people. It has revolutionised football in Kerry and, indeed, nationwide."
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The Kerry Family Jewels.
The Munster Football Final between Cork and Kerry and centre back Conor Counihan takes it upon himself to feel up Jack O’Sé’s privates, Vinny Jones style, and on live TV too. A near riot ensued with the Bomber Liston distinguishing himself with the haymakers he delivered in the ensuing melée.
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The Meath Calamity?
Meath v Kerry All-Ireland Semi-Final 1986. Brian Stafford is dispossessed out the field. Ogie Moran drills a hopeful ball forward. Mick Lyons, Joe Cassells and Mickey McQuillan all decide to go for the one ball. Roguishly Lyons tries to push Ger Power (Kerry) out of the way, but collides with the advancing McQuillan while Cassells is tripped by Lyons outstretched leg. The ball bounces helpfully into Power’s path and the resultant goal decides the course of the encounter.
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Why Paddy Cullen Has Such A Good Sense Of Humour!
Dublin leads Kerry (1978). Cullen advances off his line to deal with an easy clearance. He collects and fists to Robbie Kelleher but brushes off Kerry’s Ger Power on his way back to the house. Kildare ref Seamus Aldridge blows for a free. The gentleman he is Kelleher hands the ball to Mikey Sheehy while Cullen argues with Aldridge. A realization hits Cullen. The Dublin publican later described that he could ‘see in his face what he was going to do.’ But perhaps Con Houlihan made a better description: ‘Cullen raced back to the goal not unlike a woman who could smell something burning in her oven.’ Kerry went on to win by seventeen points.
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Anyone Seen Sam?
In 1959 Kerry won their 19th All-Ireland, and the great Mick O’Connell must have been bored with the whole affair. After hammering Galway that September day O’Connell as captain was responsible for Sam Maguire but left it in the dressing room. O’Connell had been married the previous day and perhaps there was something else on his mind. Sam rested among the kit bags for a few hours before someone asked about its whereabouts.
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Kerry's Core Fans
Taken on All-Ireland Day 2004
Jesus, he lookes institutionalised looking through those bars. Let out for the day. I suppose the train, seeing cars fir the first time and the bloddy Luas. Otherwise he has Colm Cooper's Teddy bear and hes minding it for him.
Click on the picture to see it in its original size
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Kerry Fans
A Primary School teacher in Tralee explains to her class that she was a big
fan of Colm Cooper. She asks her students to raise their hands if they,too,
think Colm Cooper is only georgeous and the best Kerry Player oof 2004.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary,why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a a Colm Cooper fan. I think hes a Kerry knacker," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked asked, "Well, if you are not a Cooper fan,then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Cork supporter by God's grace, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Cork fan?" .
"Because my mum is from Mallow and supports Cork, and my dad is from Blackrock and is a Cork Suppoter fan so
I'm a Cork football supporter too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a
fan of Cork Football. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.
What if your mum was a arsehole and your dad was a arsehole too, what would you be then?"
"Then", Mary smiled, "We'd be Kerry fans."
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Paidi's South African Diary Part 1:
Day 1 -
Leave behind that miserable country Ireland, its people and it weather for a few days. Bad f*ckin hangover this morning , f*ckin porter is only brutal out here and what kind of crap were they feeding us on the flight over, jaysus in Micko's day it was first class all the way , You wouldn't get this back in my place in Ard an Bothair. You would imagine they would know a thing or two about a Black out here, but I'm not a racist type unless you are talking about those knackers in Tralee and Killarney.
Was I speaking to a journalist last night? I hope he does not print some of the stuff I told him, sure it was only a windup and I was pissed. Typical Jackeen to take the bait.
Afternoon Day 1 -
Well as I have now served 4 months "hard John O'Keeffe-style training" since I was appointed to Bord Failte and it’s a new year so I suppose its about time I did a bit of work for the handy money they are paying me to promote Ireland, we can't all be swanning around the world like my good friend and GAA confidant Brian Cowan even though I write this from the comfort of the lovely 5 Star hotel where my Kingdom is camped for the next 2 weeks.
Anyway today I start the campaign to get more Irish people to travel to South Africa , lovely place pity about all the blacks loping around. I know Bord Failte wants to get more people to visit Ireland , but f*ck that , who would want to live there , full of filthy animal types all speaking with the Queens tongue , tractors congesting the pot holed filled roads and corrupt polititians , but not I might add in my beloved Fianna Fail. Jaysus I used to be a big fan of Jimmy Deenihan until he defected to the Fine Girleens. Did you hear the cowardly hoor on TV before Christmas saying when Pat O'Neill broke his big nose in New York in 1978 , the punch was actually meant for me !! Feck it I never touched Pat O'Neill in my life, 'twas that prat David Hickey I struck.
Off to play golf now with Darragh, Tomas, Marc, Dara and Aodain. Wouldn't trust the rest of those Kerry hoors. Stick to your own crowd I say.
Aodain wins the kitty today at the golf.
Day 2 -
Wake at 2pm, new hangover there feeling rough, did not get any Bord Failte work done yesterday as we went on the beer after the golf, maybe today. Meet Gooch at lunch saying he has sunburn on his skinny little legs and arms, "F*ck off I tell him , its not Larry Tompkins you are , when you have won what I have won come back to me".
Johno had the lads up at 6 this morning doing laps , the West Kerry Lads like myself stayed in the cot as we did a few laps last night of this dancing place Tomas found , none of that carry on I'd say in Ard an Bothair.
T'is a f*ckin holiday and not a training camp we have here, I keep trying to tell him. Pony is complaining about all the hard work, I tell him to discuss it with O'Keeffe , what am I supposed to do for him . F*ck sake you would swear I was the manager or something and me trying to do my bit for promoting Ireland.
Visited a shanty town near Durban today, reminded me of Listowel, a right shit hole of a place. When I asked the locals if they had ever heard of Ireland, they started chanting something like Keanoooo or some thing, I said "f*ck off , I'm Paidi O Se , 8 times All Ireland Champion as a player and twice a Manager and the hardest man in GAA to boot" but they carried on with their Keanooo, my lovely blonde translator Kitty finally got the translation from Swahili or whatever they speak into Irish to which my reply was "yerra will you go away with your Roy Keane, sure my Darragh is twice the man he is , I'd have nothing to do with those Cork c*nts anyway". Did you hear the one about the striking GAA players in Cork, it wouldn't happen in my Kingdom. You would want to really upset my players to get them on strike.
Marc wins the golf today and Kitty is delighted, though he was cheating a bit on the back nine, but as I say myself a bit of cheating never hurt anyone , the fecking county board though owes me 10 grand for that little red card incident of Darragh's last year. A ram never forgets!
Day 2 evening -
Have dinner with the lads.......from west Kerry. The rest of the Kerry boys are in bed. Johno has them swimming in the morning. We are going out fishing when we wake up in the afternoon. Must have a word with the county board , maybe if I let them drop the 10 grand , they might allow Fergal O'Se into the squad. Jaysus he is very lonely at home on his own , he'd be much better off training in Tralee or Killarney. Also I want Paidi Óg as the official mascot for the 2003 season. It won't do him any harm to be involved and will be good practise when he follows in my footsteps, which he surely will. Good breeding there I tell you , they don't call me the Ram for nothing !!
Day 3 Afternoon -
Well if the shit didn't hit the fan today. John O’Keeffe has a face on him like a boiled shite. Pony rambles by without saying his usual sarcastic "Morning Mr O'Se hope you had a good sleep" its an old joke now between us but its the way he tells them, Gooch looks like a roasted tomato and even my comrade from the West Dara O'Cinneide has a look on his face as if I farted , which I just did , its the feckin porter out here I tell you.
How was training I say at our daily meeting, no response. Johno finally says "the facilities here are just crap Paidi, we have to train on an excellent all weather soccer field. The lads just wont do it anymore, there was supposed to be a muck laden field prepared for us and where is Banna Strand and Mount Brandon you promised us for the winter training here. How am I supposed to have them in peak condition if they are prancing around like Jason McAteer's "? , "Jason Who" I throw in casually but it does not lift the gloom. "Where is the stuff for the sunburn , poor Gooch and the other Redheads cant take it no more , "yerra let them eat cake the red in-breds" I retort . Liam Hassett is fuming at the cheeks, though with the ears on him you would think he would be able to cool himself down like an Elephant. "And whats with this fancy Adidas gear says O'Keeffe, we are supposed to only have standard O'Neills heavy balls and jerseys" . "I'll give you heavy balls in a moment" I reply . He then called me a West kerry c*nt and stormed out.
Well I looked around and asked if anyone else wanted to follow him and they did , except for Darragh , Tomas , Marc , Aodain and Dara O'Cinneide , they know what side their butter is jammed on I tell you.
The lads let me win the golf to put a smile back on the auld Ram
Day 4 late morning –
The hotel is full of reporters looking for a quote , I have a savage hangover again , and just say "f*ck off will ye those Kerry lads are a shower of Feckin animals" and when asked if they can print that, I say you can stick it up your black arse for all I care.
Play golf , Dara O Cinneide wins with no cheating , Kitty looks pleased.
Anyway down to work. I have agreed with Kerry Group and Bord Failte to re-shoot the Kerry Gold butter ad , you know the one where Cinneide says "....and Kerry is the Kingdom" . Away with such Leprechaunish drivel. People want to know what the Real Kerry is about. The last line will now be read by me pulling a pint in Tigh Paidi and Will read "....and Kerry is my Kingdom so dont f*ck with me" . That should please the Tralee crowd in Austin Stacks and John Mitchels !! The f*ckin animal lovers in Kerry will get their way because we will remove all images of dogs and dolphins as man so called best friend and replace them with pictures of the O'Se clan in action, The Puck Fair goat will be replaced by a Mount Brandon Ram , symbol of all that is good about West Kerry and me. Also following the kind words of wisdom of Brian Cowan , who would know about these things from his worldly travels, the village of "Inch" will be renamed "Twenty Five Point Four Millimeters" to further enhanse our area in the eyes of the Europeans who will be flocking here to my pub in the years ahead looking for they ancestors. Any resemblense to my good self will obviously be purely coincedental. Brian has also given me government approval to charge 10 Euro per pint for my troubles. Did you know that Brian is one of the foremost knowledgeable GAA friends I have , but more of that later. Play golf again , Darragh O'Se wins , Kitty storms off in a huff.
Day 5 - Afternoon.
Well if the last few days were bad, "you ainst seen nothing yet" ,as Big Tom used to say. Was woken at 1.30 in the feckin afternoon by the sound of Marc crying, jaysus the poor garsun needs his Liga every morning and some hoor had Swiped it last night when we were out. I blame Donal Daly who is only a quarter the player of my Darragh and is dead jealous of all of us O'Se's and our medals. I called an EGM with the players to find out what was going on but found out they were training again with O'Keeffe. Feckin training will be the ruin of them. Be much more in their line to be enjoying the free holiday, we don’t get much from those mean hoors in the County Board, so enjoy it. Its fine for them to be flying around the place in first class while I am stuck sitting in the back with my players, with my knees wedged into the arse of the hoor in front of me. Not in Micko's time I tell you.
Just on the way out for the afternoon now and there are a group of players carrying out some kind of protest in the lobby of the hotel. Kerry players chanting "We only get Marieta , the O'Se's have Liga , We want the Bomber, Paidi Out" . The Bomber was nothing before we taught him how to drink way back in 1978. What has he done since, win one county championship and with a feckin Tralee team from Strand Road, not even with his own crowd. I would not piss in Strand road for they would have the steam bottled before you got a chance to shake it. What ever bit of respect we had for him is gone now, the lanky beardy hoor and me with another hangover. I tell Johnno to sort It out I have better things to be worrying about, like who stole Marc's Liga. And I told the players spokeman Liam Hassett they could all feck off. I will manage the team and will pick it based on merit. Therefore Kerry will be represented by the Gaeltacht senior team in 2003, with Darragh O'Se as Captain and yours truly as player manager probably at full back. So there.
Johnno calls a team meeting while I go fishing with my boys.
Finally while on the bus to the fishing we see the missing Ligas and we deduced that the black hoor of a bus driver Today Mulapoo took the packet saying he was hungry which was never a good excuse in my book , which I will remind you was called "I'm Paidi , dont f*ck with me" , (TM), and was better than that tripe produced by the Mouth Spillane., but all is well again, Marc wins the golf and has to pay for the beer for tonight as a prize. The moral of the afternoon is if "Today takes the f*ckin biscuit......catch the hoor and break his f*ckin fingers before he can do it again !!"
My Friend Brian Cowan rings on my lovely new Bord Failte sponsored mobile. He says there is uproar in Kerry over my comments, that I am being portrayed as some kind of racist or bigot whatever that is. What f*ckin comments I want to know the f*ckin animals there will be looking for my head again I suppose, nothing new there, good job I have thick skin as well as a thick head. F*ckin Kerry hoors are never happy , pure animals the lot of them. Something about what I said to that failed cyclist jackeen fellow Kimmage. Can he not treat a friendly chat over a few pints as a bit of craic and not be looking for a scoop all the time. Good job he didn't mention the time I gave him a bag of those auld anabollix steroids I was using on a few bullocks at home. They never seemed to work for us. Didn't do Kimmage much use on the rothar either, the useless bollix, my mother on her High-Nelly would be faster than him.
Brian in his Biffdom recomends playing the trump card, Maurice Fitz, to get us out of the shit. Jaysus I dont want him back at all. What with his tanned legs , we will have to splash out a fortune on the Gooch and MFR for fake tans to match them up with that hoor from Cahirciveen. What has he done for me lately, scoring a few points when we bring him off the bench but taking all the limelight away from my Darragh who is 3 times the man and twice the footballer. Feck it I would score half those points myself if I was sober.
Spillane also rings saying to bring back Fitz, I tell him to go f*ck himself , what in the name of Christ would he know about football, another Klingon from the glory years , you never saw me limping around the place with hamstrings and bandages. Jimmy Deenihan rings too but I don’t take the call. Martin Ferris rings to say I will be missing a kneecap if I don't issue an apology, yes Martin you a brave hoor now that you are a TD, just like Spring and Deenihan, I'm shitting.
Lifelong Friend of Fianna Fail and thus my best friend Jackie Healy Rae also rings, but even Kitty with all her 14 languages cannot figure out what the f*ck he is trying to say. I agree with him anyway to keep the party line happy. Wouldn't want to be seen pissing in Bertie's Bowl now would you, not with an election only 4 years away. Paidi O'Se, Publican, Kerry Manager, TD , Minister and King of An Gaeltacht will have a nice ring to it or should I use Padraig. Will I have to give up the Bord Failte gig for that one, must check it out with Brian.
Day 6 Morning -
Slept well, dreaming of the Dail Bar and government junkets, woke up dehydrated. Raid mini bar again. Ahhhh thats better.
Day 6 Afternoon -
Wake up refreshed with a slight hangover but at least the bags under my eyes are grand which is always a good sign of a man, that and a big arse I always say. Time to bite the bullet so I have 9 pints at thebar while I hatch my plan.
Send fax to Radio Kerry saying Fitz has signed for An Gaeltacht and will tog out for Kerry in 2003 without doing any training. 30 mins later send another fax retracting my original statement. 1 Hour later send original fax again with the foot note that Pony (Seamus Moynihan) will also join. Ring Fitz but he is on the sun bed and has poor mobile coverage. Meet Pony in the Sauna but says he will not play for Gaeltacht as long as there is an O'Se on the team so I have to send second fax again with the new footnoot that Pony will not join us and is to go off with his ex Glenflesk colleague Johnny Cash to Cork. They are welcome to him too, Pony is overrated totally in my book, "I'm Paidi, don’t f*ck with me" (TM). He was never a full back in the mould of the Great Paddy Bawn Brosnan or myself even though I played in the corner, but sure I spent half the time covering the mistakes of that langer John O'Keeffe while still holding my direct opponents to 1 point in 10 All ireland finals, a horse of a f*ckin man is what I was and I'm still covering for O'Keeffe. But that’s what happens when we have 5 selectors in Kerry who know shit about picking a team, playing a fellow at full back just because he's a good footballer. Jaysus the Bawn is spinning in the grave.
Day 6 Evening -
Mobile coverage in Kerry crashes as people ring everyone with my utter confusion, send final fax saying I had nothing to with any of the previous faxes, can't beat a cute hoor like myself for a bit of confusion by throwing the cat among the rolling stones. Maurice returns my call and I ask him would he like to be involved with us next year, he would be delighted to give it one more lash, so I tell him he will be a big asset to us carrying the water bottles at the games for the O'Se family but he will have to do some training, we can’t have the water carrier panting and collapsing after a short burst accross the pitch to give a drop of water to Tomas or Darragh. For the craic I send another fax on County board paper signed by Sean Walsh saying I have been replaced by Micko with Fungi as his assistant. That should stir it up a bit for tomorrow !!
Golf cancelled as Kitty has ran away with the Bus driver and we have no one left to pull our trolleys. Maybe we should kidnap the Gooch and force him to do it.
Day 7 Afternoon –
An easy day so stay in the cot, worn out from the pressure of my high profile job in Bord Failte.
Day 7 Evening -
The Bike Kimmage has flown out for another exclusive, agree and get him to buy an expensive dinner and drinks for the night for us in this nice fancy restaurant, then I give him a kick up the hole and tell him to pick a story out of that , the useless bollix !!
More Later....
Paidi
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Extracts from a GAA Pundits Diary
This is an entirely fictional character and any similarities with any individual, living or dead, are completely coincidental
Day 1:
Another Monday, another cheque in the back pocket from RTE thanks to my witty, outrageous and controversial 'Monday Feedback' corner on the Monday Game. The moneys good but it would want to be - dragging me up to this shitheap every week away from my beautiful Kingdom. On the upside though, I was backstage in 'makeup' this evening, when who should walk in but Sharon Ni Bheoilan, the chick from the News I wouldn't mind going up for a 50/50ball with her-if you catch my meaning. I think I'll give her a signed copy of my excellent autobiography that usually has the babes begging for some Kingdom-Love.
I don't know why I have to go into makeup anyway-they usually sit me beside those gobshites O'Rourke and Lyster in the studio - sure no makeup could clean those two cunts up -especially O'Rourke, the f*€kwit looks like some horrible genetic experiment gone wrong. I read through my emails, phone calls and letters - you know I don't like Clare f*€kers but that psycho Loughnane made one good point in his life - its only nutters that bother ringing into these programs they should get a life - in fact I think I'll bring that into my rant this evening.
Joe Brolly is the other guest tonight, the nordy cunt. Thinks he's as outspoken as me, what the f*€k would he know - with only one All-Ireland to his name Lyster that smarmy bollix seems to like him though I don't trust that f*€ker Apparently Brolly is a barrister. What kind of nordy Catholic is a barrister? an orange one I'd say. He'll take some watching
Day 2: - a few days later:
Its great being a GAA pundit - spout some shite a couple of times a week and laugh all the way to the bank. Take today for instance, I was sitting in the jacks having a nice dump when all of a sudden I remember 'shit I have to have my Sunday Worst column submitted by this evening'. Its f*€king demeaning to have to write for that rag, what do they know about the beautiful sport of Gaelic Football anyway the shower of jackeen b@$£@*ds?
Anyway, back to the column - I write a splendid piece of prose about how great the Munster Final is when its Cork and Kerry competing and those inbreds in Clare and Tipp are knocked out. I suppose I'll be getting death threats from the Clare cunts again - they're so f*€king touchy. They know they have no right to be even on the same pitch as the mighty, majestic is provoke, to analyse, to spout shit - and I do it so well.
Day Number 3:
Back on the Monday Game for the 'Feedback' slot. No sign of Sharon in makeup, pity. Brolly comes into the studio - he's becoming a bit of a fixture around here. I start whistling 'The Sash' - I think it throws him off his stride a bit. Lyster brought up the subject of Offaly football. Offaly -those cheating b@$£@*ds - I'll never forgive them for '82, scum - that's all they are.
I tell the nation what I feel - shoot from the hip. Brolly tries to cut across me, tell him to shut up, he hasn't got enough All-Ireland medals to interrupt me. After the show, he won't talk to me - what would you expect from an Orange b@$£@*d?
Day 4:
I met Micko the other day. Kildare are out (not f*€king surprising really, the shower of cripples) and he's contemplating his future. All the papers were saying he was the greatest football manager of all time. In fairness its easy to be a good manager when you have the greatest player ever to grace a sports pitch of any description on your side.
I told him so as well - I said 'Mick, I'm the reason we won so much, not your f*€king training routines and diets - what good did they do Kildare? You had to bring that useless garsoon offspring of yours up there with you and he was their best player'. We parted company - I love meeting Micko, we have great chats.
Non-GAA Kerry Joke
Two Kerrymen in a jungle come upon a sleeping lion.One of the men, with a fondness for messing, picks up a stone and throws it at the lion, and begins to run away.His comrade stands perfectly still, and does'nt seem the least bit worried that this lion is running towards him and is twenty feet away.His friend turns around and shouts "Why aren't you running?",to which his comrade replys "Shur I didn't throw nottin at him.""
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Taken from the front page of the Irish Times the Monday after the Cork V Kerry Championship Semi-Final
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Ouch. Seamus Moynihan bites while Brendan Jer O' Sullivan Gouges |
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Best of Kerry comp
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Best of Kerry (2)
Labels: Championship, Cumann Luthcleas Gael, GAA, Gaelic Athletic Association, Hurling, Jokes, Michael Cusack, Micheál Ó Muircheartaigh, The Sunday Game, Up for the Match
posted by Michael at 1:42 PM
