Any offense is meant to be offensive

Any offense is meant to be offensive . . .
By Anon.
Dateline Unknown


Airight muckers , sheepshaggers, Bruces and Sheilas , its that time of the year for my International rules All Star Irish team.

Any offense is meant to be offensive.......

-Timmy Ryan of Killdicken 5-in-a-row fame in the 1960's had a great pair of hands on him and in later life turned out to be one of the great dressing room motivators . Famous for coining the phrases "low and hard like a terriers tool" , "Get your pulls in hard, low and early" Rumours that he helped out Big Joe a week ago are not yet proven.

-Christy Ring was a pure genius with the caman and was known as the Greatest. Was an big idol of Cassius Clay in his pre-Ali days, and many by the Lee still claim he nicked the name off Christy. The Greatest that is and not Ali . Though there is an Ali's chipper in Knocknaheeny that has seen many a good boxin match in its day. Ring has a bridge named after him in his native Cork.

But Butt Bridge in Dublin has nothing to do with Christy's Ring

-Maurice Hickey of Glengully fame in the 1950's was a big bull of a man but his skill levels were lacking. Promising minor career ended after a bad fall off a ladder while hanging Election posters for his brother Willie. Willie later went wild on the drink in Dublin and Maurice took his seat in the Dail. Their mother Philamena , god rest her soul , was a champion chicken plucker in her day and played a bit of camogie in her spare time with her native and neighbouring parish of Lyreacumpane until she met Dan Hickey TD at the crossroad dance in the black winter of 1934. She had 19 children in total most of them with Dan, 17 boys and 5 girls, 13 of the boys played at the same time for Glengully minors. After the fourth set of Twins Mossy and Muiris were born in 1955 she warned Dan , "if you poke me with that thing again I will rip the nuts off you and stick them up your hole". Mossy started a hang sangwigh business in Dublin in 1972 after seeing crowds travelling every year from Tipperary and Kerry with the sangwighes stuffed into pockets or just wrapped in the Irish Press or Kerryman, but he sold it one night while on the batter with Conor Cruise O'Brien for a pint of Guinness and a half packet of Sweet Afton , hense the O'Brien Irish Sangwigh Chain was born. Muiris had a cushy number for years on TV doing voice overs for Martin McGuinness . People were shocked years later to find out Martin was actually from Derry and not from Glengully. Muiris never played football and now reads the angelus on TV and radio.

-Jack Lynch "The Real Deal Taoiseach" went one better than Ring in having a tunnel named after him , It is fondly called Lynch's Hole in places like Waterford , Tipperary , Limerick and Kerry. Only man to win 6-in-a-row .Often seen smoking a pipe during a game , he had so much time.

-Mick Mackey , Those of the Limerick persuasion would discount the greatness of Ring in favour of the bould Mackey , but the enduring question is "what did Mackey say to Ring said that fatefull day" ? Baals Bridge in Limerick is not named after Mick Mackey as some Cork people seem to think !!

-Jacko Shea , A horse of a man , not a bad footballer either. Aussies scared ****less of this plumber from St Mary's Conor Counihan tried his nads for size once , Jack was not impressed and decked him just like he did to that Big Dippstick fellow from Oz.

-Paddy Bawn Brosnan , 3 words , "Oh my f*cking god what an animal."

-Paidi O'Se , Ditto only with 4 words , put another F word before Animal. Only 1 point in 11 finals but many pints afterwards. Famous for being Paidi and for kicking Joe McNally up the hole during the National Anthem in 1985. 27 of his extended family have subsequently played for Kerry all of whom have bought his book.

-Joe Keohane , the less said the better , there may be children reading , and biting someone's knackers off is now considered a crime for some reason ??

-Seamus Darby , One of the greatest goal kicker of all time , famous the world over for his after-goal celebration dance. Michael Flatley tried but failed to copy it and came up with Riverdance instead. Also had a great knack of "marking" the ball , a simple nudge in the back which always went unnoticed. Isn't that right Tommy Doyle?

-Jimmy Five-Bellies Keaveney , The word swagger or was that stagger , was invented for this man , always played well in front of a big hill in Dublin which for some reason always had a big crowd on it. Big mates with Gazza for some reason. Swagger died in 1977 but was re-invented in 2002 by Mr Swagger himself Tommy Lyons. Tommy believed in the power of swagger so much that he was actually hospitilised before one game with a bad dose of swaggeritis or maybe it was just a bad batter burger.

-Babs Keating , The man who fecked off the boots in the 1972 Grand final and gave a great display. Has only 3 toes on his right foot as a result. Also a great motivator but usually for the other team.

-Ger Loughnane , Was one of Timmy Ryan's star pupils in the motivation school , not a bad player but won feck all , hung with a big banner. Has written a best selling book about his life titled "Dont f*ck with my Banner" or something, sold a total of 2 copies in Ogonolow and 1 in Lisdoonvarna to a widowed American woman who thought he was cute.

-Dabollix Spillane , one of the top attackers of all time , a true wizard with both foot and mouth , as Michael O'Heir said "A bamboozling bit of football from Dabollix Spillane". Another great GAH author his first book "Shooting from The Lip" sold out all 15 copies in the first year mainly to members of the greatest football team in the history of sport of which Pat of course was a leading member. Has made a great career after he retired in analysising the 31 weaker counties in the championship. Shoots from the hip and lip. His mother is an Olympic sprinter and is in altitude training on Mt Brandon getting ready for Athens. A great medal hope , Maurice Green better pack the nappies. The only man in Kerry with a personalised PO box ,Dabollix Co Kerry . His second book "****eing from D'arse" is on hold until after the Olympics where there will be a special chapter about his ma.

Speaking of mothers I forgot to mention the special place in Ireland where only the Mothers are sacred , its Our Mammy this and Our Mam that , even "C'mon OurMa", These people dress in funny Orange colours , but actually hate the colour Orange and will fight and protest if one of their neighbours wears the orange or want to go for a stroll down the road while wearing the orange. Many people mainly from the South refer to them as the Orange B*stards because there is never a mention of the da's , I think . Anyway feck it they are now the champions of 2002.

-Ambrose Rodgers and Ambrose O'Donovan , very little to call between these 2 giants of the GAH world , the only real difference being the surnames while O'Donavan had a big mullet and Rodgers was Bald and O'Donovan was from down in Kerry and Rodgers was from up in Down . Both were good old fashioned R & D men around the middle of the field. (Rooters and diggers)

-Bull McCabe was a great man to get around the Field in his day , but Hollywood caught his eye , so a career in the porn industry was his lot. A sad loss to football but "The Bull rides again" has endured well after all those years. Bull made friends in the US with Sean "The Yank" Thornton who came back to Ireland to reclaim the family farm and played minor with Mayo in 1948. He later played the demanding role of John Wayne in The Quite Man a fictional story of land reclaimation in the years before EU grants and CAP. Thornton also survived numerous assasinations attemps by Geronimo and other rather angry Injuns , something about his role as Wayne trying to reclaim the land or some ****e , Thornton or John Wayne Bobbit as he became known in the US was later de-naded by his wife and with Bull's help also got a job in the porn industry. Anyway to make a long story longer, Sean Thornton came from a long line of The Yanks , the second cousin on his mothers side was Danny The Yank Culloty though born in San Francisco , togged out with Newmarket and Cork. Helped the Rebels to 2 titles in 89 and 90 when the Double made its way Lee-side. Partnered the skillless Shay Fahy in Midfield . Fahy was a blow in from the land of the Lily. The Yanks also had cousins in Germany called the Kuentz , a cousin Stefan played the saccer for the Germans in Euro 1996. Stefan came from a long line of Kuentz most of whom have now however emigrated to Australia where I hear they are triving.

-Larry Tompkins another lily****e blowin, suffered from severe sunburn in his early career and many say it was his downfall , has since become a twisted and bitter man. Has major problems with Kerry , counting and all match officials except Frank Murphy whose hole he thinks the sun shines out of , ironically the same sun that sun-burned him !!. Was a bit player for the rebels many years ago , kicked the odd free but mainly moaned a lot, but has failed miserably in his managerial role since with an overdependance on fat lumbering players. Though his latest venture into the GAA DB has faired pretty well with 3 straight victories . Beaten recently by the mighty Trunkie O'Helafant in a tense battle, a re-match is imminent.

-Eddie Everage was a star forner corward with Leitrim minors in the early 1950's but emigrated to OZ because of lack of work. While sleeping one night the family jewels were chewed off , not by Joe Keohane but by a wombat and overnight Eddie became Ednoballs who shortened the name later to Edna . Edna went on to become the leading entertainer in Australia and in later years the Queen of Australia endowed her with a damehood , when in fact it was a langer she wanted to be endowed with.

- Tom Harris was a great midfielder with some midland county in the 1960 but was overshadowed by younger brother Ralph who was blessed with a third leg. The lad was impossible to mark , kicking off left or right or the middle one . Unfortunately Ralph was caught worrying sheep and was deported to Australia where locals pronounced his name as Rolf . Rolf made alot of money with the extra leg and the Australians soon realised he had a great singing talent . Jake the Peg and 2 Little Boys were the 2 songs on his recently released greatest hits . Ralph as he is still known by the cousins in Ireland has also contributed many fine works to the Australian arts world when he also realised the Australians who fell for his singing talents also thought of him as a great Artist.

-Michael Cleary also known as Skippy was a great forward for Tipperary during the 90's and has made good use of his ventriliquism skills to dub in the "tsk tsk tsk" for the Bush Kangeroo who as we all know was unable to speak. Pat Fox and Joe Rabbite have been unable to find any work down under so far.

-Flipper , after years of being exploited and sterotyped as a Dolphin actor has emigrated to Dingle where he does a spot of fishing during the day and at night fills pints in Paddy Bawns Snug and regales the locals with stories of famous West Kerry Footballers. He goes under the name Fungi now for tax reasons.

- As a largely Catholic country we have had numerous wearers of the cloth grace the fields of Irelands over the years though let it be said many were running after sheep or women and not a size 5 O'Neills or pucking a slithor , but thats another story.

But we also have our share of famous Priestly sportmen :

-Bishop Eamon Casey was not much of a player but managed teams in Galway and Kerry before throwing the leg over some ugly American bag , probably the same one who thought Ger Loughnane was cute. Has been exiled to someplace in the Carribean for his penance , fecking years ago it was Van Diemans land or Tasmania or some other hole we used to send the wicked and evil Irish to , now its exile in the fecking Caribean. I hear his camogie team have just won the All-Carribean Senior title for the first time batin' Cubu in the final. Well done to all concerned.

-Fr Jack Hackett had the unique distinction of playing minor, U-21 and Senior hurling and football with Waterford in the 1945 Munster championships. Needless to say Waterford did not win any of them but sin sceal eile. The fact he was 31 at the time was not lost on the Munster Council whom in their endearing wisdom banned him for life from playing. He pleaded that because he was a man of the cloth that he was exempt for such trivial things as age limits. T'was all in vain though as it was in the years before Frank Murphy became involved in Munster affairs and there was no bending of the rules allowed back then and no dioscean money could be freed up for a High court challange. Feck off so said Fr Jack agus sin e. Fr Jack and his brother Tommy later set up Hacketts Bookmakers from a surplus in Dioscean funds in the early 1970's and is still a major share holder. He was later in charge of Dungarvan u12 football team but the pressures of the job got to him and he hit the bottle big time.

He struggled on for years doing his daily 27 masses but the cost to the parish and Diocese in daily alter wine was excessive so the Bishop, who was from Limerick, asked his brother in Newcastlewest who supplied the wine to the church, to bottle a few bottles of uisce from the spring on Baile na Gaon hill to try and wean Jack of the wine , the brother objected saying sure there is nothing but sheeps **** and **** going into that spring and that it was sure to poison someone and who in their right fecking mind would pay money for bottled water anyway. In fact so popular was the water that it took off all over the country and the world and the brother changed the name of his company from Blue Nun to Ballygowan **** Water, except for Jack of course who wouldn't touch the stuff unless it was a mixer to a drop of Paddy . The final straw for the Bishop and poor Jack came at the wedding of Maureen Kinsella, only daughter of the elderly Peggy and Myles Kinsella of the drapery , undertakers and hackney drivers in Main Street Dungarvan to one Maurice Hickey TD and newly appointed Minister of Rural Development of the Glengully parish on the border of Tipperary with Limerick.

Well the sight of 235 Hickeys arriving in the Church with turned down wellies of a green , black or **** colour and all chattering away in that strange brogue people from Glengully used had a bad effect on Jack. While dishing out the Pat The Bakers , he said "Body Of Christ" to Mrs Philamena Hickey , who was pregnant with her 5th set of twins at the time but who always up for a bit of fun and she replied "Babs Keating", and feck it if Jack didn't nut her there on the alter rails , well as you can imagine all hell broke out , Jack barely escaped with his life but he was banished to one of those craggy islands off the west coast of Ireland with nothing better to do only to drink himself into a stupor on Red diesel and Parazone.

However Jack has pullled himself around and after a spell as a manager of a lap dancing joint in Leeson Street called Feck'n'Arse'n'Girls now has a cookery program on TV3.

-Fr Iggy Clarke was a star wing back hurler with Galway in the 1980's , but he missed the famous final in 1980 due to some injury or other , maybe he could not get someone to cover the 11 O'Clock mass in Oranmore that morning or was on his way in a Pilgramage to Knock or some other place where the locals saw a statue doing a jig. Everyone says he was one of the greats never to get a medal , but he has God so he's happy I suppose. A Celtic Cross to show the grandchildren would have been nice all the same.

-Fr Ted Crilly RIP, like Paidi O'Se also kicked someone up the arse , and in his case it was also a fat f*cker from Dublin but not Joe McNally only Bishop McNally, his sporting life lay in tatters after that and he went into exile also somewhere near the Arran Islands . Rumour has it he was seen in a TV sit com , but its only a rumour , isn't that right Ted.

- Fr Dougal Maguire need no further description only to say that the world of GAA lost one of its brightest and skilful young stars when he got on the bus to Maynooth. Whatever the Chistian Broithers did to him there is unknown , but he did win Eurovision in 1987 with a rousing rendition of that traditional Irish ballad , My Little Pony. Keep her Lit Dougal , Keep her lit !! Dougal's great-grandfather Sam was from west Cork and has the honour of being presented to the Winners each year of the Senior Football Championship. Well not him really , that would be quite morbid and sick as he died in 1920, but a cup named and shaped in his honour. He was a small butty block of a man who got the English playing GAA in London . Fecking lot of good it did , he was wasting his time I'd say as they perfer the cricket and tennis !!

- The O'Dwyer family from Kerry deserve special mention , triplets who were born over a 3 year period have gone on to manage 3 different counties Micko in Kerry , Mick in Kildare and Michael will take over in Laois very soon. They have good breeding though as their mother was a tug of war anchor in the great South Kerry team of 1931 . She was a fair woman to foot a bank of turf too when a footer was required or tin a few rows of turnips when the tinning was upon them , Shearing sheep, fishing , pulling calves , thatching the roof and testing hens for eggs with the long finger were her other traits . The father was an avid reader.

- Gearoid Adams ,father's name is Gerry , plays full forward for Antrim football and hurling. Has been playing senior intercounty football since he was 5 and is leading scorer in Antrim football and hurling since he was 7 . No fullback or goalkeeper have laid a hand on him since young Sammy Donaldson tried to mark him in a school kick about, Donaldson has had a pair of wonky knees every since.

- Mick Hogan from Tipperary , shot by the Brits on Bloody Sunday for playing football in Croke Park. You heard it right the first time , "Football for Tipperary in Croke Park" , if it wasn't so serious and true it would be really funny .

-On a lighter note many people in Australia do not know where Longford is, well many people in Ireland do not know where Longford is. But the dears have not had many chances to shine on the National GAA stage but they have a great referee in John Bannon , f*cker. How he missed the blatent push on little innocent Gooch in the First half of the final in still baffling , that could have been the point to draw the match. But I'm not bitter. Their minors put in a few great performances this year so there is some hope for them I guess. Also we should never forget where Eddie Macken and Boomerang came from , yes Longford , okay I'm struggling now for other Longford heros. Which leads us nicely on to Shergar , C'mon OurMa hand the f*cker back now we all know he's been grazing somewhere in south OurMa for the last 20 years, ye have the fecking Sam Maguire now so the joke is over . Lord Lucan should be let loose too and for fecks sake will ye ever free the Renault five. There has to be at least one more derby left in Shergar , IG what odds on Shergar for the Budwiser next year in the Curragh.....ridden by Lord Lucan or maybe Lester Piggot who has ridden and been ridden a few times in his life , is he still in jail by the way ?

-David Trimble , though not a avid GAA fan has been known to watch a game or 2 from his Union Jack lined closet, For the Aussies , that the wee bit of your flag we wipe our arse with when the kleenex have run out. David is a wearer of the orange with pride and is a champion road bowler in South OurMa. Was refused permission to take part in this years All Ireland as it took place in some place called The Garvahy Road and Trimble refused to walk it because it was not a traditional place for road bowling and the locals objected to his wearing of the orange. Strange people indeed.

-Nudie Hughes , probably the first and only man to play football who was 5 feet 3 high and 6 feet 2 wide.Widescreen TV was invented for this man . Played with Monaghan in their 2 great years of 1979, when unfortunately for them Kerry were in the second year of a 5-in-a-row run , the fact we only got to four-in-a-row is because of that little dancing bollix I mentioned earlier called Seamus Darby O'Gill Nudie also played again in 1985 where Kerry were on the second year of another 3-in-a-row run. Nudie hates Kerry for some reason.

Amazingly Nudie picked up All stars in both years. Must have been sympathy on his size and his name.

Nudie as you can imagine is not his real name , he got his nickname from an incident with one of the Sisters of Mercy in Castleblaney National school , Nudie always being one of small fellows was the perfect height for peeping through the keyhole in the girls toilet , but its not what you are thinking.

One day while smoking turf dust and having a drop of Powers in the bushes out the back of the school while aged 4 , the bushes caught fire , and Eugene as he was known by the family at home, was seen waddling away by the principle Sister Gertrude. Well the batin she gave him with the leather strap left young Eugene in tears , but he was a tough little fecker and he would not give in to her interrogation . Anyway after 33 hours Eugene could finally take no more and finally blurted out what most people in the parish knew , "f*ck you Gertie , I saw you and Father Hackett (no relation to Jack) in the back of his Cortina and you were both in the nudie and at it like a pair of rabbits , so there ya auld cow".

-Denis Taylor played football with Tyrone until he was told to wear those huge glasses by his local doctor . The doctor made a mistake with the address on the prescription as it should have been Denny Taylor who got the glasses and he lived next door to Denis , The 2 Taylor families were not related however which was very unusual for that part of the country. Denny was a promising snooker players in his teens but because he never received the right glasses he ended up giving up the sport when he turned 20 . He later drove his Honda Fifty into the arse of a parked cow and killed himself. Some say it was suicide , other claim it was a combination of the bad eyesight and the 17 pints of Guinness and 12 Jamesons he had after Tyrone lost the 84 Ulster final . In any case the glasses proved a huge hindrance to the skillfull Denis Taylor to such an effect he also had to give up the sport he loved. People were already comparing him to another great , he was also small, fat and butty like the bould Nudie .

He took to the bottle like so many Irishmen and women before him and soon found himself playing alot of pool in pubs around Tyrone. He was so good at it that Barry Hearn , the man who took over Barry McGuigan's career after Barney Eastwood had ripped him off , and who finally ended McGuigan's career by ripping him off some more, offered Denis a contract playing snooker. The following year in Sheffield's Crucible , Taylor beat the Commonwealth champion Steve Davis in a trilling final that went to the last black Ball. Taylor later claimed he could have wrapped up the game at any time and was only toying with Davis. Typical Tyrone guff. Anway Kerry sorted them out in the AI Final in 1986 , If Denis Taylor was playing he also claimed they never would have conceded a 7 point half time lead to lose by 8 points. To this day Denis still has perfect eyesight and still wonders why he got those glasses. Like Nudie he also dislikes Kerry.