Roscommon County Jokes
Roscommon uncovered could run and run.By Keith Duggan
July 20th 2002.
Ah yes, the career of the Gaelic footballer can end in a flash. Just ask any of the Roscommon senior players.
The word emanating from the west on Thursday evening, confirming that the entire senior football squad had been sacked pending a tribunal of inquiry, represented a watershed for the GAA but leaves a number of confusing issues.
The mass culling has its origins in the almost forgotten and not quite notorious "lost weekend" that Roscommon's finest embarked upon prior to the championship. The more revealing moments of their sporting adventure found a way from closed circuit television to the pages of a tabloid newspaper that, take note, is not Irish in origin. Although Roscommon's hierarchy maintained a stiff upper lip for the sake of the jersey while the team was still in the championship, they have now had the entire squad sent down and are inviting all members to offer a full disclosure on what exactly occurred in Derry that weekend.
But as has been well documented, it was the players' penchant for a spot of total disclosure that landed them in trouble in the first place.
In what was definitely a new departure from the traditional GAA training weekend, several of the men that collectively form the pride of Roscommon partook in a session of what can only be described as naked pool. Late night naturist billiards, to be precise. Exhaustive studies of GAA manuals, modern fitness regimes, autobiographies and even the articles of association contain no reference to such an activity. It was definitely the brainchild of the Roscommon players.
Ours is not to reason why. Nor is it our place to try to gauge the enjoyment to be procured from such an exercise. True, pool can be a trifling dull, but nonetheless. But maybe it is time to say: so what if they did?
Undoubtedly, the decision to shoot some eight ball in the nip is, at the very least, a bit strange. Although this has yet to be confirmed, we are sure that the premises on which the session occurred did not invite such exhibitionism. It is almost certain that there exists no brochure with the words, "after relaxing in our steam room and jacuzzi, why not unwind with a game of naked pool?" It seems definite that the Ros' boys took matters into their own hands on this one.
But while there were no pamphlets explicitly encouraging that scenario, neither were there any formal warnings against. There can be no sign, in the now infamous billiards room, with the caveat: Warning: Naked Pool Is Prohibited. Achtung! Unbekleidetes Spielen Verboten. Attention! Ne Jouez Pas Nu.
For all we know, that could be the way they play pool in Roscommon. Perhaps that has been the preferred cueing style in that part of the world for decades and the players were just preserving a time-honoured tradition. But the stern attitude of the GAA's ruling body within the county suggests otherwise.
The investigation will undoubtedly have repercussions for Roscommon GAA. It will take many, many years before a Roscommon senior manager can stand before his team in the dressing-room and bellow the tried and trusted GAA rallying cry, "show them yez have the balls for it, lads". It would take a foolhardy mentor indeed to voice the traditional accusation about effort: "Get effin' well stuck into them. I haven't seen a decent tackle yet."
And the manager whose county draws Ros' in the championship will have to think twice before saying: "Well, we all know their form and it's going to be backs against the wall." The innuendo could go on forever - and possibly will. But first comes the inquiry and the inevitable laying bare of the facts. It will take a stout and liberal type to preside over a hearing that promises gruesome particulars.
And there is no promise of a happy resolution. Although it is only summer, the GAA in general should prepare itself for the possibility that the Roscommon boys will remain exiled indefinitely, especially if they defend their right to sink the black au naturel. And it is, let us remember, a free country.
If that is to be their fate, then let us hope they do not go gently into that good night. They could form a sort of carnival and give barnstorming exhibitions in pool halls around the country in the same way as the Harlem Globetrotters used to thrill people with their ball skills.
Gradually, the appeal of billiards without the frills might capture the popular imagination. Television might become interested. In no time at all, it would probably be a listed event. Roscommon Uncovered.
And they could pose for a fund-raising calendar, with tactfully positioned frames and pockets and, where appropriate, cubes of chalk. They could call it The Colour of Money with the full back line forming Messrs January, February and March and so on. It would be intriguing to see how the GPA would respond to a promotion like that.
Perhaps it is brave of the GAA to try to nip the phenomenon of nude pool right now rather than just brush the issue under the beize. The contemporary Gael may be ready for a new-fangled stadium but it is doubtful that he wants to see the association going continental altogether.
The GAA has two choices here. Either it accepts the right of its members to shoot pool with or w/o attire, and consequently drafts a motion to that affect for Congress, or it holds McCarthyite hearings on such goings-on.
Clearly, conservatism is winning out in what has been a unique and touchingly liberating footnote in the history of the GAA. Roscommon may not have won any silverware this year, but they will be remembered for breaking one of the GAA's great taboos.
Exactly what that taboo is, nobody will ever be quite sure, but they definitely smashed it.
Chances are the Ros' legends will be back in training in October, contrite and covered up and anxious to put the exposé behind them. Either that, or they will go down fighting. Sooner or later they may find their way back to some pool room or another and, bursting with pride for a jersey that has already been discarded, one brave pioneer will shout, "Right so. I'll break." And after that, there can be no playing safe.
----
Ah yes, the career of the Gaelic footballer can end in a flash. Just ask any Roscommon player. - Keith Duggan on Roscommon's nude pool playing.
--------
An Irishman's Diary.
By Patsy McGarry.
September 8th 1998
While Galway prepares to cheer on its football heroes in the All-Ireland Final later this month, poor old Roscomon is back once more in the obscurity to which we shall never become accustomed. We almost won the Connacht football title again this year. To paraphrase John Pake Casserly, a neighbour in Ballaghaderreen, "it took Galway two days and a half-hour" to beat us. He first used the phrase a few years ago when, after another drawn final which went to extra time in a replay, Roscommon were beaten by Mayo.
Poor, dear old Ros. Or Rosgommon, as true saffron-and-blue locals refer to it. It is so long since we won an all-Ireland. Fifty-four bleedin years. People like me have absolutely no idea what it is like to belong to a county which has won the Sam Maguire. There is another generation behind us for whom 1944 is pre-history.
The nearest we came to such ecstasy in my memory was in 1980. Then, on a September Sunday afternoon in Croke Park, it looked as if we had Kerry racing for the Boggeragh mountains. But, to paraphrase the late King George V, "bugger Boggeragh."
It is said that when the king was dying in 1936 a courtier recommended he spend some time in the dreary resort of Bognor Regis. "Bugger Bognor," was the reply - allegedly his last words. Anyhow, Kerry turned round and beat the blazes out of us. Well, not quite, but a defeat is a defeat is a defeat.
Cinderella county
Ours is the Cinderella county of Connacht and the only one entirely inland. Our four stepsisters are full of themselves, with their hems dipping to the sea, their heads in mountainy air, and plunging necklines between such as would leave any plainsman breathless. But ours is a plain county, flat in all the wrong places.
Our stepmother Kathleen (one of the Houlihan's from hell) couldn't care less about us. Like Mrs Bennet in Pride and Prejudice, she makes a big song and dance about "my five girls". She even went to Brussels to get help to set us up. "What am I to do?", she pleaded. They gave her money, most of which she spent on herself, sparing a little for her four daughters while Cinderella got nothing but the back of her hand.
We're used to that in Roscommon. But do we complain? Do we whinge? Do we moan? Yes. Yes. And yes. Does it matter? No. Will we stop? No. Because if we can't have a share in the fun we will do our damnedest to spoil it for everyone else. We are, after all, the bleeding county of Ireland. All our young people just flow away. Someone has to pay.
But we've had enough. We are fighting back. We looked in a mirror recently and saw how beautiful we are. Lovely Lough Key, the graceful river Shannon, placid Lough Ree, rugged Curlieu mountains, the great plains of Tulsk, majestic Rathcroghan, ancient Lough Gara.
People in our small towns are on their hind legs too. Like those in Elphin, who have restored an 18th-century windmill and turned it into a tourist attraction. And now they are planning a model railway village, the LITTLELPH (gettit?) Model Railway Village and Theme Park project. Some say it's like building a lighthouse in a bog, but what a tourist attraction that would be!
There is Strokestown House with its famine museum, the castle and restored gaol in Roscommon town, the extraordinary King House in Boyle, Clonalis House in Castlerea, and . . .Loughglynn.
Loughglynn, God help us. They've revived the carnival there. At the August bank holiday weekend and after 25 years they brought back the marquee, the Bad Ass Buggy Band, great crowds, the rain, and John Mangan as steward. Despite all, it was a great success. Frenchpark has its festival, Keadue has its Carolan, Tulsk its fair day, and Boyle its arts festival. Sure where would you be going?
James Dillon
Well, Ballaghaderreen in July for instance. Ah yes. The great traditional music of Eigse de hIde, the Douglas Hyde summer school, the festival on the street. There the town was in July this year all decked out in its saffron-and-blue county colours. On the Square, the vacant premises of the Monduff general store carried the great letters "UP ROSCOMMON" in blue against yellow, and in the background was that loud whirring noise as the former Fine Gael leader James Dillon spun in his grave down the road. For the Dillon family once owned Monduff; and James Dillon always gave his address as "Ballaghaderreen, Co Mayo" - forgetting that one of the people who most favoured the town moving into Co Roscommon (in 1898, when local government boundaries were redrawn) was his own father John Dillon, leader of the Irish Parliamentary Party. Rates were lower in Roscommon.
Last year the town was all decked out in Mayo flags, with Brian Kelly's premises on Main Street carrying the message "Last one out, switch off the lights." We were on the losing side then too. But Ballaghaderreen is still the home of champions. There is Desmond Keegan, a talented young athlete who brought honour to the town and its remarkable handball club last year by winning the world championship title for 15-year-olds in Winnepeg, Canada.
Along with Declan Hough he also won the under-16s doubles all-Ireland Colleges final for St Nathy's College in the town last year and the senior singles grade in the same competition.
Desmond and Declan are just two of the young handballers who brought 29 all-Ireland medals to the town in 1997. It was a worthy follow-on for the club which won the (all-Ireland) Waterford Crystal Club of the Year Award in 1996. Other local heros last year were Paul Flynn, who won the European one-wall open singles, and the bastion of the handball club, John Gaffney, who was selected as Irish junior team manager for the United States Handball Association nationals last year.
Another champion
It is by no means an all-male success story either. Emer Tansey and Aoife Maoloney won the under-14 all-Ireland last year, while Catriona Colleran is this year's all-Ireland under-17 champion.
They and the town owe so much to John Gaffney, Father Martin Jennings, Eileen Fannon and Tom Flannery who, along with a single-minded and dedicated committee, have produced all our champions. There is another champion in the town too. As a football manager John O'Mahony has brought Connacht football titles to Mayo, Leitrim, and this year to Galway. No one has ever done the like before. Now he stands on the brink of an all-Ireland victory.
Who knows? He may yet turn out to be Roscommon's Prince Charming. He might find that the magic glass football boot he carries around with him fits our Cinderella's foot perfectly. Then the team might go off to do what has been so elusive for so long, and bring Sam west to see old Shannon's face again. No harm in dreaming.
-------
The Maverick.
The Roscommon keeper Shane Curran has built himself quite a reputation. As legend has it while on trial with Manchester United the Connacht man assured Alec Ferguson that if the Scot thought he had trouble with Paul McGrath he was now in for something entirely different. Curran’s most enduring claim to fame however comes from the Connacht Minor Final (1989). As the game against Galway drew to its conclusion Roscommon trailed by a point, crucially they were awarded a penalty. Curran, lining out at wing forward, was more than enthusiastic about taking it. After a brief conversation between those interested another player lined up to take it while Curran hovered nearby. At the very last moment however Curran sprinted past and blasted his shot home. Reputably Curran had a comment to make as sprinted to the placed ball: ‘I told you I was f*****g taking it.’ The ref involved blew the whistle immediately, Roscommon assumed they had won and headed off to collect the cup. The Galway boys agreed to a replay, which Roscommon won.
---------
Examination to become a Mayoman
Honours
PART I (Written)
Instructions to Candidates
(a) Do not attempt more than one question at a time.
(b) Do not attempt to write on both sides of the paper at the same time.
(c) On no account attempt question 3.
(d) Slide rules O.K.
N.B. Candidates caught cheating will be given extra marks for initiative.
All Candidates are requested to use separate answer books.
Time allowed: Six weeks
1. Who won the Second world war? Who came second?
2. Explain in one sentence Einstein's theory of relativity
OR
Write your name in block capitals.
3. What is the number of this question?
4. Name the odd man out: The chief Rabbi, The Pope, Jack the Ripper, The Archbishop of Canterbury.
5. At the Irish Sheepdog trials of 1972, how many sheepdogs were found guilty?
6. At what time is the nine o'clock news broadcast?
7. Spell each of the following words: DOG, CAT, PIG.
8. Write a tongue twister three times, quickly.
9. There have been six Kings of England called George. The latest was George the sixth - name the other five.
10. Quote four lines from any poem written in the English language or from any other poem written in the English language.
11. How many hairs were in Willy Joe Paddens moustache?
12. Explain the meaning of stupid ,in less than 10 words,without making reference to Galway once.
13. Write an essay on one of the following titles:- (a) Mayo is so great (b) I hate galwegians (c) Why I fear Croke Park (d) Sheep shagging, fact or fiction? (e) Do Mayo play Gaelic football or basketball?, Discus.
13. If three All Ireland final apperances = zero, why does Mayo footbal think it's so great?
PART II (Practical)
Leave the examination hall and persuade the first passer - by you meet to accompany you through life, using irony where necessary.
N.B. This is the Honours paper -- there is a special Pass version for Leitrim people...
-----
Kieron McDonald calls up John Maughan and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how
to get it started." Maughan asks, "What is it supposed to be
when it's finished?" McDonald says, "According to the picture on
the box, it's a tiger."
Maughan decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
He lets him in and shows him where he has the puzzle spread all
over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
box, then turns to him and says: - "First of all, no matter
what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces
into anything resembling a tiger." He holds McDonald by the shoulders and says,
Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and
then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box
July 20th 2002.
Ah yes, the career of the Gaelic footballer can end in a flash. Just ask any of the Roscommon senior players.
The word emanating from the west on Thursday evening, confirming that the entire senior football squad had been sacked pending a tribunal of inquiry, represented a watershed for the GAA but leaves a number of confusing issues.
The mass culling has its origins in the almost forgotten and not quite notorious "lost weekend" that Roscommon's finest embarked upon prior to the championship. The more revealing moments of their sporting adventure found a way from closed circuit television to the pages of a tabloid newspaper that, take note, is not Irish in origin. Although Roscommon's hierarchy maintained a stiff upper lip for the sake of the jersey while the team was still in the championship, they have now had the entire squad sent down and are inviting all members to offer a full disclosure on what exactly occurred in Derry that weekend.
But as has been well documented, it was the players' penchant for a spot of total disclosure that landed them in trouble in the first place.
In what was definitely a new departure from the traditional GAA training weekend, several of the men that collectively form the pride of Roscommon partook in a session of what can only be described as naked pool. Late night naturist billiards, to be precise. Exhaustive studies of GAA manuals, modern fitness regimes, autobiographies and even the articles of association contain no reference to such an activity. It was definitely the brainchild of the Roscommon players.
Ours is not to reason why. Nor is it our place to try to gauge the enjoyment to be procured from such an exercise. True, pool can be a trifling dull, but nonetheless. But maybe it is time to say: so what if they did?
Undoubtedly, the decision to shoot some eight ball in the nip is, at the very least, a bit strange. Although this has yet to be confirmed, we are sure that the premises on which the session occurred did not invite such exhibitionism. It is almost certain that there exists no brochure with the words, "after relaxing in our steam room and jacuzzi, why not unwind with a game of naked pool?" It seems definite that the Ros' boys took matters into their own hands on this one.
But while there were no pamphlets explicitly encouraging that scenario, neither were there any formal warnings against. There can be no sign, in the now infamous billiards room, with the caveat: Warning: Naked Pool Is Prohibited. Achtung! Unbekleidetes Spielen Verboten. Attention! Ne Jouez Pas Nu.
For all we know, that could be the way they play pool in Roscommon. Perhaps that has been the preferred cueing style in that part of the world for decades and the players were just preserving a time-honoured tradition. But the stern attitude of the GAA's ruling body within the county suggests otherwise.
The investigation will undoubtedly have repercussions for Roscommon GAA. It will take many, many years before a Roscommon senior manager can stand before his team in the dressing-room and bellow the tried and trusted GAA rallying cry, "show them yez have the balls for it, lads". It would take a foolhardy mentor indeed to voice the traditional accusation about effort: "Get effin' well stuck into them. I haven't seen a decent tackle yet."
And the manager whose county draws Ros' in the championship will have to think twice before saying: "Well, we all know their form and it's going to be backs against the wall." The innuendo could go on forever - and possibly will. But first comes the inquiry and the inevitable laying bare of the facts. It will take a stout and liberal type to preside over a hearing that promises gruesome particulars.
And there is no promise of a happy resolution. Although it is only summer, the GAA in general should prepare itself for the possibility that the Roscommon boys will remain exiled indefinitely, especially if they defend their right to sink the black au naturel. And it is, let us remember, a free country.
If that is to be their fate, then let us hope they do not go gently into that good night. They could form a sort of carnival and give barnstorming exhibitions in pool halls around the country in the same way as the Harlem Globetrotters used to thrill people with their ball skills.
Gradually, the appeal of billiards without the frills might capture the popular imagination. Television might become interested. In no time at all, it would probably be a listed event. Roscommon Uncovered.
And they could pose for a fund-raising calendar, with tactfully positioned frames and pockets and, where appropriate, cubes of chalk. They could call it The Colour of Money with the full back line forming Messrs January, February and March and so on. It would be intriguing to see how the GPA would respond to a promotion like that.
Perhaps it is brave of the GAA to try to nip the phenomenon of nude pool right now rather than just brush the issue under the beize. The contemporary Gael may be ready for a new-fangled stadium but it is doubtful that he wants to see the association going continental altogether.
The GAA has two choices here. Either it accepts the right of its members to shoot pool with or w/o attire, and consequently drafts a motion to that affect for Congress, or it holds McCarthyite hearings on such goings-on.
Clearly, conservatism is winning out in what has been a unique and touchingly liberating footnote in the history of the GAA. Roscommon may not have won any silverware this year, but they will be remembered for breaking one of the GAA's great taboos.
Exactly what that taboo is, nobody will ever be quite sure, but they definitely smashed it.
Chances are the Ros' legends will be back in training in October, contrite and covered up and anxious to put the exposé behind them. Either that, or they will go down fighting. Sooner or later they may find their way back to some pool room or another and, bursting with pride for a jersey that has already been discarded, one brave pioneer will shout, "Right so. I'll break." And after that, there can be no playing safe.
----
Ah yes, the career of the Gaelic footballer can end in a flash. Just ask any Roscommon player. - Keith Duggan on Roscommon's nude pool playing.
--------
An Irishman's Diary.
By Patsy McGarry.
September 8th 1998
While Galway prepares to cheer on its football heroes in the All-Ireland Final later this month, poor old Roscomon is back once more in the obscurity to which we shall never become accustomed. We almost won the Connacht football title again this year. To paraphrase John Pake Casserly, a neighbour in Ballaghaderreen, "it took Galway two days and a half-hour" to beat us. He first used the phrase a few years ago when, after another drawn final which went to extra time in a replay, Roscommon were beaten by Mayo.
Poor, dear old Ros. Or Rosgommon, as true saffron-and-blue locals refer to it. It is so long since we won an all-Ireland. Fifty-four bleedin years. People like me have absolutely no idea what it is like to belong to a county which has won the Sam Maguire. There is another generation behind us for whom 1944 is pre-history.
The nearest we came to such ecstasy in my memory was in 1980. Then, on a September Sunday afternoon in Croke Park, it looked as if we had Kerry racing for the Boggeragh mountains. But, to paraphrase the late King George V, "bugger Boggeragh."
It is said that when the king was dying in 1936 a courtier recommended he spend some time in the dreary resort of Bognor Regis. "Bugger Bognor," was the reply - allegedly his last words. Anyhow, Kerry turned round and beat the blazes out of us. Well, not quite, but a defeat is a defeat is a defeat.
Cinderella county
Ours is the Cinderella county of Connacht and the only one entirely inland. Our four stepsisters are full of themselves, with their hems dipping to the sea, their heads in mountainy air, and plunging necklines between such as would leave any plainsman breathless. But ours is a plain county, flat in all the wrong places.
Our stepmother Kathleen (one of the Houlihan's from hell) couldn't care less about us. Like Mrs Bennet in Pride and Prejudice, she makes a big song and dance about "my five girls". She even went to Brussels to get help to set us up. "What am I to do?", she pleaded. They gave her money, most of which she spent on herself, sparing a little for her four daughters while Cinderella got nothing but the back of her hand.
We're used to that in Roscommon. But do we complain? Do we whinge? Do we moan? Yes. Yes. And yes. Does it matter? No. Will we stop? No. Because if we can't have a share in the fun we will do our damnedest to spoil it for everyone else. We are, after all, the bleeding county of Ireland. All our young people just flow away. Someone has to pay.
But we've had enough. We are fighting back. We looked in a mirror recently and saw how beautiful we are. Lovely Lough Key, the graceful river Shannon, placid Lough Ree, rugged Curlieu mountains, the great plains of Tulsk, majestic Rathcroghan, ancient Lough Gara.
People in our small towns are on their hind legs too. Like those in Elphin, who have restored an 18th-century windmill and turned it into a tourist attraction. And now they are planning a model railway village, the LITTLELPH (gettit?) Model Railway Village and Theme Park project. Some say it's like building a lighthouse in a bog, but what a tourist attraction that would be!
There is Strokestown House with its famine museum, the castle and restored gaol in Roscommon town, the extraordinary King House in Boyle, Clonalis House in Castlerea, and . . .Loughglynn.
Loughglynn, God help us. They've revived the carnival there. At the August bank holiday weekend and after 25 years they brought back the marquee, the Bad Ass Buggy Band, great crowds, the rain, and John Mangan as steward. Despite all, it was a great success. Frenchpark has its festival, Keadue has its Carolan, Tulsk its fair day, and Boyle its arts festival. Sure where would you be going?
James Dillon
Well, Ballaghaderreen in July for instance. Ah yes. The great traditional music of Eigse de hIde, the Douglas Hyde summer school, the festival on the street. There the town was in July this year all decked out in its saffron-and-blue county colours. On the Square, the vacant premises of the Monduff general store carried the great letters "UP ROSCOMMON" in blue against yellow, and in the background was that loud whirring noise as the former Fine Gael leader James Dillon spun in his grave down the road. For the Dillon family once owned Monduff; and James Dillon always gave his address as "Ballaghaderreen, Co Mayo" - forgetting that one of the people who most favoured the town moving into Co Roscommon (in 1898, when local government boundaries were redrawn) was his own father John Dillon, leader of the Irish Parliamentary Party. Rates were lower in Roscommon.
Last year the town was all decked out in Mayo flags, with Brian Kelly's premises on Main Street carrying the message "Last one out, switch off the lights." We were on the losing side then too. But Ballaghaderreen is still the home of champions. There is Desmond Keegan, a talented young athlete who brought honour to the town and its remarkable handball club last year by winning the world championship title for 15-year-olds in Winnepeg, Canada.
Along with Declan Hough he also won the under-16s doubles all-Ireland Colleges final for St Nathy's College in the town last year and the senior singles grade in the same competition.
Desmond and Declan are just two of the young handballers who brought 29 all-Ireland medals to the town in 1997. It was a worthy follow-on for the club which won the (all-Ireland) Waterford Crystal Club of the Year Award in 1996. Other local heros last year were Paul Flynn, who won the European one-wall open singles, and the bastion of the handball club, John Gaffney, who was selected as Irish junior team manager for the United States Handball Association nationals last year.
Another champion
It is by no means an all-male success story either. Emer Tansey and Aoife Maoloney won the under-14 all-Ireland last year, while Catriona Colleran is this year's all-Ireland under-17 champion.
They and the town owe so much to John Gaffney, Father Martin Jennings, Eileen Fannon and Tom Flannery who, along with a single-minded and dedicated committee, have produced all our champions. There is another champion in the town too. As a football manager John O'Mahony has brought Connacht football titles to Mayo, Leitrim, and this year to Galway. No one has ever done the like before. Now he stands on the brink of an all-Ireland victory.
Who knows? He may yet turn out to be Roscommon's Prince Charming. He might find that the magic glass football boot he carries around with him fits our Cinderella's foot perfectly. Then the team might go off to do what has been so elusive for so long, and bring Sam west to see old Shannon's face again. No harm in dreaming.
-------
The Maverick.
The Roscommon keeper Shane Curran has built himself quite a reputation. As legend has it while on trial with Manchester United the Connacht man assured Alec Ferguson that if the Scot thought he had trouble with Paul McGrath he was now in for something entirely different. Curran’s most enduring claim to fame however comes from the Connacht Minor Final (1989). As the game against Galway drew to its conclusion Roscommon trailed by a point, crucially they were awarded a penalty. Curran, lining out at wing forward, was more than enthusiastic about taking it. After a brief conversation between those interested another player lined up to take it while Curran hovered nearby. At the very last moment however Curran sprinted past and blasted his shot home. Reputably Curran had a comment to make as sprinted to the placed ball: ‘I told you I was f*****g taking it.’ The ref involved blew the whistle immediately, Roscommon assumed they had won and headed off to collect the cup. The Galway boys agreed to a replay, which Roscommon won.
---------
Examination to become a Mayoman
Honours
PART I (Written)
Instructions to Candidates
(a) Do not attempt more than one question at a time.
(b) Do not attempt to write on both sides of the paper at the same time.
(c) On no account attempt question 3.
(d) Slide rules O.K.
N.B. Candidates caught cheating will be given extra marks for initiative.
All Candidates are requested to use separate answer books.
Time allowed: Six weeks
1. Who won the Second world war? Who came second?
2. Explain in one sentence Einstein's theory of relativity
OR
Write your name in block capitals.
3. What is the number of this question?
4. Name the odd man out: The chief Rabbi, The Pope, Jack the Ripper, The Archbishop of Canterbury.
5. At the Irish Sheepdog trials of 1972, how many sheepdogs were found guilty?
6. At what time is the nine o'clock news broadcast?
7. Spell each of the following words: DOG, CAT, PIG.
8. Write a tongue twister three times, quickly.
9. There have been six Kings of England called George. The latest was George the sixth - name the other five.
10. Quote four lines from any poem written in the English language or from any other poem written in the English language.
11. How many hairs were in Willy Joe Paddens moustache?
12. Explain the meaning of stupid ,in less than 10 words,without making reference to Galway once.
13. Write an essay on one of the following titles:- (a) Mayo is so great (b) I hate galwegians (c) Why I fear Croke Park (d) Sheep shagging, fact or fiction? (e) Do Mayo play Gaelic football or basketball?, Discus.
13. If three All Ireland final apperances = zero, why does Mayo footbal think it's so great?
PART II (Practical)
Leave the examination hall and persuade the first passer - by you meet to accompany you through life, using irony where necessary.
N.B. This is the Honours paper -- there is a special Pass version for Leitrim people...
-----
Kieron McDonald calls up John Maughan and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how
to get it started." Maughan asks, "What is it supposed to be
when it's finished?" McDonald says, "According to the picture on
the box, it's a tiger."
Maughan decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
He lets him in and shows him where he has the puzzle spread all
over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
box, then turns to him and says: - "First of all, no matter
what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces
into anything resembling a tiger." He holds McDonald by the shoulders and says,
Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and
then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box
Labels: Championship, Cumann Luthcleas Gael, GAA, Gaelic Athletic Association, Hurling, Jokes, Michael Cusack, Micheál Ó Muircheartaigh, The Sunday Game, Up for the Match
posted by Michael at 3:52 PM
