Cork County Jokes
January / February 2008 - Strike Jokes
The continuing controversy raging in the Rebel County took on a new twist today ahead of the now in doubt first National League match scheduled for this weekend. In an alleged statement released just after lunchtime the Cork Senior Inter County Footballers and Hurlers have indicated that they would retake the playing field in the red jersey if the following ten conditions were met;
1. All inter-county players receive an apology from the Cork County Board for the embarrassment caused to the People of Cork for this "Laurel & Hardy" mess.
2. That all Cork matches home and away are played in Páirc Uí Chaoimh and no away supporters allowed admission to the ground.
3. The GAA rename the Sam Maguire Cup the Jack Lynch Cup.
4. The Kerry football team will play in the Ulster Championship instead of the Munster championship.
5. The Cork Hurling team get automatic qualification to the All-Ireland semi-final every year, with the Leinster winner (i.e. Kilkenny) on the opposite side of the draw.
6. The sixth condition has been omitted for fear of any future litigation proceedings....
7. The government declare Cork city the official Capital of Ireland.
8. All future managers of the Cork teams have to undergo rigorous Psychological Assessment & in-depth Personality Profiling to see if they are up to the job. (This will take the form of having to spend hours locked in a room listening to Donal Og Cusack & Sean Og OHalpin, if they survive this they will be considered)
9. Each player is to get 4 packets of Walkers Cheese & Onion and 2 bottles of 7-up after each match.
10. Frank M. is to keep his job if he desists with the embarrassing comb-over.
The Labour Relations Chief Executive allegedly commented that "these demands seemed reasonable but that the only sticking point could be Frank M.'s hair"
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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly was asked about the strike at the weekend and replied something like 'Roy Keane, Peter Stringer and now this shower, the only way they make sporting headlines nowadays is when they AREN'T playing'.
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the cork players released a statement thanking liverpool f.c for supporting their strike by not playing foootball during the month of janurary!
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Frank Murphy was in hospital for a circumscision, the surgeon stopped after an hour saying 'there's no end to this langer'
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The pope has declared Cork to be holiest county in Ireland.He was amazed when they even gave up hurling and football for Lent!
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Field to let Summer 2008 for hay or silage. Contact Frank Murphy at Pairc Ui Caoimh.”
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According to The Said who provided the image it seems the Cork strike it affecting Corks youngest supporters the most.
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Cork Sportsmanship
GIFT GRUB...WATERFORD V CORK
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Taken from the front page of the Irish Times the Monday after the Cork V Kerry Championship Semi-Final
He's as useless as a back pocket in a vest. - Kerry fan on Colin Corkery.
Colin Corkery is deceptive. He's slower than he looks. - Kerry fan
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The Scene: John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson sitting in car talking
(Pulp Fiction music fades off...)
S: Ok, so tell me again about the Corkonians
J: Whaddya wanna know?
S: Beastiality is legal there right?
J: Yeah, its legal but it ain't a 100% legal. I mean you can't just walk into a field, pick up a sheep and start pumpin' away. They want you to shag sheep in your home or certain designated places.
S: And those are valleys?
J: Ok, it breaks down like this: its legal to buy a sheep, its legal to own a sheep and if you're a farmer its legal to sell or loan sheep, its ILLEGAL to **** sheep in public but...but...but that doesn't matter 'cos, getta loada this, the police in Cork are too stupid to notice you've got a sheep hanging off your dick. I mean that's the intellect the police in Cork DON'T have.
S: Arrr man. I'm not goin', that's all there is too it, I'm never ****in' goin'.
J: Nah man, you'd hate it the most. But do know what the funniest thing about Cork is?
S: What?
J: Its the little differences, I mean they got the same kinda people over there as we got here, but there they're a little different.
S: Example.
J: Ok. You can walk into a Movie theatre in Cork city and order a lump of manure, and I'm not talkin' about no paper cup, I'm talkin' about a LUMP of manure. And in Middleton you can buy manure in MacDonalds. Do you know what they call a 1/4 pounder with cheese in Cork?
S: They don't call it a 1/4 pounder with cheese?
J: Nah man, they don't have fractions, they wouldn't know what the **** a 1/4 pounder is.
S: So whadda they call it?
J: A (assumes Cork accent) -Hang end Cheese Sangwhichch-.
S: A Hang end Cheese Sandwichch?
J: That's right.
S: And whadda they call a Big Mac?
J: A Big Macs a Big Mac but there they call it a Big Mecc liiiiike(accent again).
S: (immitating accent badly) A Bich Mechch liiiike?
J: Ha ha ha
S: Whadda they call a Whopper?
J: I don't know, I didn't go into Burger King....... Do you know what they put on French Fries in middleton instead of ketch-up?
S: What?
J: Manure.
S: Arrr man...
J: I,ve seen 'um do it man, they ****in' drown 'um in that ****.
----
Cork Valentine
Oh my love, my sweet old doll,
As I sit here with this glass of methanol,
I think of the days you held my hand,
As we fought together at Burgerland.
The girl you attacked you fought with grace,
So well with bottles you slashed her face,
Stamped on her head with your shiny heels,
Stole her money, lipstick and deals.
My love for you is like a bomb,
The way you gurn just turns me on,
When you dance around my mates,
I love the way your jaw rotates.
Your gorgeous eyes, each like a balloon,
The smell of vics and not perfume
And when you black out, I'm always there,
Rubbing your shoulders and massaging your hair.
One perfect evening down Carey's Lane,
My headphones whispered the Ball'n'Chain,
You pushed me up against the door,
You said 'come on!' and we hit the floor.
But your gut fell out and it made me mad,
'When did this happen and who's the dad?'
'Well I guess' you said 'that could be tricky'
'Cos it could be Blades, Dan, Mick or Dricky,
Sully, Maca, Brick or Slasher,
Sausage, Pudding, Eggs, or Rasher.
Besides where do you think I got the cash,
For all those crates and bales of hash,
Oh I'm sorry I didn't realise,
And in my heart I appologise,
And for a second my heart, it skipped a beat.
And using a Dunnes Bag for a sheet,
We cuddled together 'till we heard a Postman say,
"C'mere ye two !...ye're in me way !"
But up you jumped and being so wise,
You scratched his face and scrawled his eyes,
Grabbed his bag, away you ran,
Still clutching close your Bulmer's can.
But now you're somewhere far away,
I hope again we'll meet someday,
Despite the conviction and doing time,
I hope you'll still be my Valentine.
-----
Cork 103FM County Sound
PAUDIE PALMER
Most likely to say: "The fat lady can start singing"
Least likely to say: "And the score line is.........."
Cork 103FM County Sound
JOHN CASHMAN
Most likely to say: "The referee offers a shrill blast of the whistle."
Least likely to say: "Liverpool are losing cross channel in the Premiership."
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Micheal Ó Muircheartaigh Masterpieces
"Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you down - his people are undertakers"
Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. Its over the bar. This man shouldn't be playing football. He's made an almost Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man but he couldn't kick points like Colin Corkery
"I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline. Tipperary, sponsored by a water company. Cork Sponsored by a tae company. I wonder will they meet later for afternoon tae."
"Teddy looks at the ball, the ball looks at Teddy"
Sean Og o Hailpin.... his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold"
."Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation "
"He's like Lazarus; but Lazarus didn't have such a sweet right boot" -- Micheal O'Muircheartaigh on Colin Corkery.
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Bizare Moments
When Cork Shagged Off To The Train Station!
A Dublin v Cork Football League Semi-Final (1987) which ended in a draw. Over the PA it had been announced that extra time would be played. Cork however headed for the train station insisting that they had their tickets bought. Dublin lined out for the extra period, the ball was thrown in and Dublin sauntered down the field was the easiest goal Barney Rock ever scored. For once Frank Murphy failed to get his way in the smoky committee rooms.
The Three Stripes Affair.
Before the Munster Football Final (1976) Cork were generously offered a set of Adidas jerseys. The sight of the logo sent county board officials into convulsions and with a mere twenty minutes before the throw-in tape was being attached to the cloth while officials pleaded unsuccessfully with the players to wear the traditional blood and bandage.
You’re Off!
Changes in GAA refereeing legislation always ensure pandemonium. 1999 saw the introduction of the modern red card/yellow card ‘cautioning’ system. The interpretation of Cork ref Niall Barrett left a lot to be desired in a Leinster championship tie between Carlow and Westmeath. Barrett dished out fourteen yellow cards and gave six the line, four from Carlow.
Two Yellows You’re Off!
All-Ireland Minor Football Semi-Final (2000) Cork v Derry. Cork midfielder Kieran Murphy received two yellows but Roscommon referee Gerry Kinneavy neglected to send him off. Quick to notice the mistake the Cork bench substituted Murphy and proceeded to win the game. The miss was of course highlighted to the referee in the aftermath, Frank Murphy however arrived into the Cork dressing room and instructed them not to worry about anything and to prepare for the final as best they could, and he would ‘sort it out.’ The Cork minors went on the win the All-Ireland.
The Kerry Family Jewels.
The Munster Football Final between Cork and Kerry and centre back Conor Counihan takes it upon himself to feel up Jack O’Sé’s privates, Vinny Jones style, and on live TV too. A near riot ensued with the Bomber Liston distinguishing himself with the haymakers he delivered in the ensuing melée.
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Quote from Donal Og Cusack
It is a tight, clannish place. Big families were common in Cloyne one time and many of them didn't look beyond Cloyne to marry. "The way it is in Cloyne," says Cusack, "nearly everyone is related to each other some way."
Don't believe it? Click here!
Quote from Seanie McGrath
"I never followed the Glen when I was growing up, but there was something mystical and magical about the name," McGrath says. "You hear people talking about the spirit of the Glen and it's all true. Like, it was great for me when I got to about 18 to be training with Tomas Mulcahy and Kieran McGuckian and John Fitzgibbon, all Cork players. I was a big John Fitzgibbon fan. I remember one night doing press-ups at training and Fitzgibbon was holding my legs. I nearly had an orgasm. It was unbelievable."
------------------------
Southern Men on the march
A word of warning to those disgusted by alleged Cork triumphalism: leave town. The men from the Deep South are on the way.
In terms of ramblin', rovin', courtin', sportin' and suckin' black porter, the hurling fans are merely coy debutantes in comparison with the Cork football fan.
The Cork hurling fans are mainly drawn from the city. They have managed to acquire a thin veneer of civilisation. The football fans are true Corkmen, drawn from the wider county and the Beara Peninsula in particular.
We will be here next week and, let me tell you, we are determined to wrest the crown of most-hated county back from those halfbreeds from Meath.
The question here is: why do Cork people get under your skin?
Let's take a look at the place itself. The city of Cork is a double-sided, mixumgatherum sweep of humanity on the south coast. To look at it, you would think it was like any other town of comparable beauty and aspect. Monte Carlo, Florence or maybe Ancient Troy.
Such architectural riches should not on their own account for the massive begrudgery shown to Cork.
Nor should the beauty and character of its women though this is, it must be said, considerable.
So what is it?
The word arrogance surfaces again and again. Last week on the radio a Corkman went through the impressive list of recent plunderings.
The All-Ireland, obviously, the All Ireland rugby league, the Rose of Tralee, the Tidy Towns, the UEFA Champions League.
And you think this is arrogance? Nonsense! For heaven's sake he didn't even mention Montenotte's Patricia Carey, who last week clinched the All Ireland Garden Award!
The anti-Cork feeling would seem to be - like many of history's most heinous diversions - rooted in nothing but misinformation and the false pleasure of fuzzy malice.
"I hope ye're crowd don't win the double or ye'll be unbearable".
I have heard that sentence - or similar sentiments - dozens of times since the proud Rebel Gael lowered the colours of the Pale's representatives last Sunday in the hurling final.
Over the past 10 years quaint little counties such as Clare and Donegal have won All-Ireland titles. They are treated with indulgence. Rural halfwits entitled to a day out in the Smoke.
When Cork win something we are expected to go back on the next train.
The problem for Dubs is that Cork people don't treat them with the respect they think they deserve.
Some poor slob from Carlow will come to Dublin and act like it's a strange place. He will be unsure of himself, know that he's an outsider.
Someone from Cork will come and treat Dublin as the capital of his country. It belongs to the nation.
That, to many Dubs, is a touch too familiar.
The problem is not that Cork people are arrogant - their problems are far more complex than that, boy - it's just that Dubs have a leadership complex. They think because they have a Dart and a pipe to the Kinsale gas field they are born leaders.
What amuses me most is the little Dub who considers that he has a greater historical claim on the capital than the Corkman.
His forebears probably ran errands for the British army and tugged their scrawny little moustaches deferentially at their superiors, yet he thinks he owns the place.
Let me not suggest that Corkmen are all made of good stuff. As the venerable Tom Barry, IRA general and master tactician, once said of the inhabitants of Skibbereen, "its inhabitants were a race apart from the sturdy people of west Cork. They were different, and with a few exceptions were spineless . . .
"If Satan himself appeared in the Skibbereeen of 1920-21, the great majority would doff their hats to him, and if he wagged his tail once in anger he was sure to be elected high in the poll to the Skibbereeen District Council".
But does the fact that Satan is a Skibbereen man not prove that God is indeed a rebel?
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Don't take the...
A hurling fan is caught speeding on a motorway and when pulled over is asked to take a breathaliser test, he refuses and shows the officer a card with "asthmatic, no breath tests allowed", so the officer asks him for a blood test and once again, the man shows a card saying "diabetic, no blood tests allowed. Then, the officer tells him to take a urine test and the man pulls out a card sying "Cork Langer, don't take the p*#s!!!"
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Couldn't Risk It
There were three men in the labour ward waiting room at the Hospital: a Waterfordian, a Nigerian and a Corkonian, all of which were waiting for their babies to be delivered.
The nurse runs frantically in and says, 'I've got good & bad news... the good news is that all the babies are OK... the bad is there's been a mix-up.... we don't know which baby is which!!!'
So the Waterfordian runs in and grabs the black baby and legs it.... After a few days, after the heat had died down and the mixup was sorted out, the Waterfordian was relaxing with his wife and new baby.
She said, 'So, why did ya take de black baby boy, boy?'
'coz dayer was a mix-up and I could'nt risk taking home a Langer!!!'
------
Cork Fans
Satellite News Channel interview with Euro 2004 fans in Lisbon...
The reporter asked one man if he was disappointed that England had lost.
The man replied, "Not at all, I'm Irish, I'm from Cork".
The reporter then asked, "But would you not support England when Ireland are not in the competition?"
The man replied "Jaysus no way".
Reporter: "Why not?"
Man: "800 years of oppression!!"
Reporter: "Is there ever any time you would support England?"
Man: "Maybe if they were playing Kilkenny!!!"
The reporter handed back to the studio with a puzzled look on his face.
He just didn't seem to get it
-----
There's a joke told by Corkmen of their All-Ireland Final victory over Offaly in 1984. It's not the funniest one ever told, it wouldn't even rank in the top three, but it shows how the rebels rate their hurlers.
The final was held in Thurles that year to mark the GAA's centenary but the celebrations went a bit pear shaped when the match deteriorated into a rout. In an effort to make a contest of it, so the story goes, Cork offered to field just two players for the second half. Seanie O'Leary and Jimmy Barry-Murphy were chosen - the rest retired to Hayes Hotel to get the celebrations going.
Later that evening Seanie and Jimmy strolled into Hayes to find the party going hell for leather and their comrades feeling no pain.
"Well", said Tom Cashman, "how much did we win by?"
"We lost by a point," came the answer.
There was stunned silence.
"Lost by a point, how in the Jaysus did that happen?" another asked.
"Two minutes after the restart, Seanie was sent off," Barry-Murphy explained.
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Dating is a mare!!! and friends r even worse
In this desert of love, of lonely sand,
No opportunity to drop the hand
I've searched Havana's, every nook and cranny,
But not once did I get near any Leeside fanny,
I even tried Reardons and paid loads for drink,
Yet no sign of anything remotely pink,
I've kept up with fashion and subscribed to Vogue,
But it counts for little at 2 outside the Bróg,
Hoping for a hand job or a glimpse of boob,
Waiting for flahs pouring out of The Qube,
Hoping I'd get one home to shunt,
But they're always with some rugby kunt.
Some stupid rich boy "full of promise",
Letting everywan know his shirt is Brown Thomas.
Off to score down outside the Triskel,
Secretly dreaming they're with Brian O'Driscoll.
Praising his game and how against the French he ran,
Before showing Brian how to become a man....
So last New Years Eve I made a pact,
And to be fair the odds against me were stacked,
But I'm sick of trying to find a daycint beour,
Tired of nights without any hint of score,
I gat loads of beer and make my wish,
But next morning there's no smell of fish,
No smell of sweaty filthy sex,
No result from aul dolls I tried to text,
So I made a decision - the plan t'was good,
And I'd have to keep it secret as best as I could,
If the lads found out I'd be up for a baitin'
But I decided to try the aul speed datin'.
II
Now I've googled "love" and searched for dates,
(Loads of results if you live in the States)
But not much for Cork cos we're not too vocal,
Lest Saturday night when you're off down the local,
Some feen whips out a page from the net and howls,
"Look what I found on this website full of gowls!"
Your mugshot, profile and desires so humble,
Looking for love but those secrets now crumble.
So I found a night where I was told I could mingle,
Where every old doll in the room would be single,
Princesses, angels, models, cailíns,
All looking great and all gagging for feens.
III
So Valentines Night I got dressed up to the nines,
Got to the Hotel and followed the signs,
Into a room full of feens looking quite swanky,
Not a sovereign in sight, no shams looking cranky,
I downed a few shorts to take the edge off me nerves,
Talked about football and Jordan's new curves,
Then they opened the doors and called us together,
There were loads of old dolls on seats made of leather,
I checked my number - and lamped up the room,
There she was - with a head full of gloom.
IV
Her clothes were all black and her make up was white,
When I moved the chair she jumped up with the fright,
"Narnia's my name" she said with aggression,
Not the ideal start to this session.
"I'm not your average girly" she said with a grin,
As I noticed some hair growing under her chin.
I stated me name and Narnia started spewing,
All her problem's poured out and on gum she kept chewing,
"I killed my pet hamster when I was just three,
Wrapped him in a Dunnes bag and threw him into the Lee,
After that things got better, my mind became level,
But I'm still convinced my hamster was in league with the devil. "
I nodded politely, afraid now to speak,
I was starring straight into the eyes of a freak.
V
The next beour I came to appeared fairly normal,
Her face was quite pretty and her dress sense informal,
We chatted about life then she asked me a question:
Where had I qualified to practice my profession,
"Which medical school did you attend?" she inquired.
For some reason she thought I was a doctor - it transpired!
"Sorry luv, I'm a sparky" I replied to her error,
To which she jumped up and announced there in terror:
"You mean you tie people down and apply electric shock?!"
I held up my hands so all her glug I could block,
She bolted for the door without allowing me to reply,
No rational explanation, no chance to bid her goodbye.
VI
The third girl was unique in the way she was dressed,
Her hands inside her garment - a very tight vest....
She seemed very quiet but at the same time quite cute,
She said she had morphine and this made her mute,
I suppose if you don't drink you have to take something,
Before this at the bar - sure the aul vodkas I was pumping!
I said "don't be nervous I think you look great
What did you say you're name was? Catherine or Kate?"
When I looked at her again she had collapsed in a heap,
She found me so boring she had fallen asleep!
VII
What was story? I just couldn't compete,
I left for the local to confess my defeat,
When I walked in the door the boys were all hushed,
Did they know that tonight all my spirit was crushed?
"C'mere how were the quare wans?", Sully says with a grin,
"Did you know you took a wrong turn there when you went in?!
We were watching The Reds and the Gunners in the bar,
And saw you all spruced up - getting' out of your car,
We found out your agenda - we knew some of the staff,
So we ran round and changed all the signs for the laugh,
You're away with the birds kid - you weren't paying much attention,
Sure it wasn't the speed dating you were at boy t'was the Psychiatric
Convention! "
-----------------------
.
The continuing controversy raging in the Rebel County took on a new twist today ahead of the now in doubt first National League match scheduled for this weekend. In an alleged statement released just after lunchtime the Cork Senior Inter County Footballers and Hurlers have indicated that they would retake the playing field in the red jersey if the following ten conditions were met;
1. All inter-county players receive an apology from the Cork County Board for the embarrassment caused to the People of Cork for this "Laurel & Hardy" mess.
2. That all Cork matches home and away are played in Páirc Uí Chaoimh and no away supporters allowed admission to the ground.
3. The GAA rename the Sam Maguire Cup the Jack Lynch Cup.
4. The Kerry football team will play in the Ulster Championship instead of the Munster championship.
5. The Cork Hurling team get automatic qualification to the All-Ireland semi-final every year, with the Leinster winner (i.e. Kilkenny) on the opposite side of the draw.
6. The sixth condition has been omitted for fear of any future litigation proceedings....
7. The government declare Cork city the official Capital of Ireland.
8. All future managers of the Cork teams have to undergo rigorous Psychological Assessment & in-depth Personality Profiling to see if they are up to the job. (This will take the form of having to spend hours locked in a room listening to Donal Og Cusack & Sean Og OHalpin, if they survive this they will be considered)
9. Each player is to get 4 packets of Walkers Cheese & Onion and 2 bottles of 7-up after each match.
10. Frank M. is to keep his job if he desists with the embarrassing comb-over.
The Labour Relations Chief Executive allegedly commented that "these demands seemed reasonable but that the only sticking point could be Frank M.'s hair"
-----------------------
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly was asked about the strike at the weekend and replied something like 'Roy Keane, Peter Stringer and now this shower, the only way they make sporting headlines nowadays is when they AREN'T playing'.
---------------------------
the cork players released a statement thanking liverpool f.c for supporting their strike by not playing foootball during the month of janurary!
----------------------
Frank Murphy was in hospital for a circumscision, the surgeon stopped after an hour saying 'there's no end to this langer'
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The pope has declared Cork to be holiest county in Ireland.He was amazed when they even gave up hurling and football for Lent!
----------------------
Field to let Summer 2008 for hay or silage. Contact Frank Murphy at Pairc Ui Caoimh.”
---------------
According to The Said who provided the image it seems the Cork strike it affecting Corks youngest supporters the most.
---------------------------
Cork Sportsmanship
GIFT GRUB...WATERFORD V CORK
Press Play Below -
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=RUNJA6RD
share your files at box.net
Taken from the front page of the Irish Times the Monday after the Cork V Kerry Championship Semi-Final
 |
Ouch. Seamus Moynihan bites while Brendan Jer O' Sullivan Gouges |
He's as useless as a back pocket in a vest. - Kerry fan on Colin Corkery.
Colin Corkery is deceptive. He's slower than he looks. - Kerry fan
--------
The Scene: John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson sitting in car talking
(Pulp Fiction music fades off...)
S: Ok, so tell me again about the Corkonians
J: Whaddya wanna know?
S: Beastiality is legal there right?
J: Yeah, its legal but it ain't a 100% legal. I mean you can't just walk into a field, pick up a sheep and start pumpin' away. They want you to shag sheep in your home or certain designated places.
S: And those are valleys?
J: Ok, it breaks down like this: its legal to buy a sheep, its legal to own a sheep and if you're a farmer its legal to sell or loan sheep, its ILLEGAL to **** sheep in public but...but...but that doesn't matter 'cos, getta loada this, the police in Cork are too stupid to notice you've got a sheep hanging off your dick. I mean that's the intellect the police in Cork DON'T have.
S: Arrr man. I'm not goin', that's all there is too it, I'm never ****in' goin'.
J: Nah man, you'd hate it the most. But do know what the funniest thing about Cork is?
S: What?
J: Its the little differences, I mean they got the same kinda people over there as we got here, but there they're a little different.
S: Example.
J: Ok. You can walk into a Movie theatre in Cork city and order a lump of manure, and I'm not talkin' about no paper cup, I'm talkin' about a LUMP of manure. And in Middleton you can buy manure in MacDonalds. Do you know what they call a 1/4 pounder with cheese in Cork?
S: They don't call it a 1/4 pounder with cheese?
J: Nah man, they don't have fractions, they wouldn't know what the **** a 1/4 pounder is.
S: So whadda they call it?
J: A (assumes Cork accent) -Hang end Cheese Sangwhichch-.
S: A Hang end Cheese Sandwichch?
J: That's right.
S: And whadda they call a Big Mac?
J: A Big Macs a Big Mac but there they call it a Big Mecc liiiiike(accent again).
S: (immitating accent badly) A Bich Mechch liiiike?
J: Ha ha ha
S: Whadda they call a Whopper?
J: I don't know, I didn't go into Burger King....... Do you know what they put on French Fries in middleton instead of ketch-up?
S: What?
J: Manure.
S: Arrr man...
J: I,ve seen 'um do it man, they ****in' drown 'um in that ****.
----
Cork Valentine
Oh my love, my sweet old doll,
As I sit here with this glass of methanol,
I think of the days you held my hand,
As we fought together at Burgerland.
The girl you attacked you fought with grace,
So well with bottles you slashed her face,
Stamped on her head with your shiny heels,
Stole her money, lipstick and deals.
My love for you is like a bomb,
The way you gurn just turns me on,
When you dance around my mates,
I love the way your jaw rotates.
Your gorgeous eyes, each like a balloon,
The smell of vics and not perfume
And when you black out, I'm always there,
Rubbing your shoulders and massaging your hair.
One perfect evening down Carey's Lane,
My headphones whispered the Ball'n'Chain,
You pushed me up against the door,
You said 'come on!' and we hit the floor.
But your gut fell out and it made me mad,
'When did this happen and who's the dad?'
'Well I guess' you said 'that could be tricky'
'Cos it could be Blades, Dan, Mick or Dricky,
Sully, Maca, Brick or Slasher,
Sausage, Pudding, Eggs, or Rasher.
Besides where do you think I got the cash,
For all those crates and bales of hash,
Oh I'm sorry I didn't realise,
And in my heart I appologise,
And for a second my heart, it skipped a beat.
And using a Dunnes Bag for a sheet,
We cuddled together 'till we heard a Postman say,
"C'mere ye two !...ye're in me way !"
But up you jumped and being so wise,
You scratched his face and scrawled his eyes,
Grabbed his bag, away you ran,
Still clutching close your Bulmer's can.
But now you're somewhere far away,
I hope again we'll meet someday,
Despite the conviction and doing time,
I hope you'll still be my Valentine.
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Cork 103FM County Sound
PAUDIE PALMER
Most likely to say: "The fat lady can start singing"
Least likely to say: "And the score line is.........."
Cork 103FM County Sound
JOHN CASHMAN
Most likely to say: "The referee offers a shrill blast of the whistle."
Least likely to say: "Liverpool are losing cross channel in the Premiership."
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Micheal Ó Muircheartaigh Masterpieces
"Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you down - his people are undertakers"
Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. Its over the bar. This man shouldn't be playing football. He's made an almost Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man but he couldn't kick points like Colin Corkery
"I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline. Tipperary, sponsored by a water company. Cork Sponsored by a tae company. I wonder will they meet later for afternoon tae."
"Teddy looks at the ball, the ball looks at Teddy"
Sean Og o Hailpin.... his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold"
."Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation "
"He's like Lazarus; but Lazarus didn't have such a sweet right boot" -- Micheal O'Muircheartaigh on Colin Corkery.
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Bizare Moments
When Cork Shagged Off To The Train Station!
A Dublin v Cork Football League Semi-Final (1987) which ended in a draw. Over the PA it had been announced that extra time would be played. Cork however headed for the train station insisting that they had their tickets bought. Dublin lined out for the extra period, the ball was thrown in and Dublin sauntered down the field was the easiest goal Barney Rock ever scored. For once Frank Murphy failed to get his way in the smoky committee rooms.
The Three Stripes Affair.
Before the Munster Football Final (1976) Cork were generously offered a set of Adidas jerseys. The sight of the logo sent county board officials into convulsions and with a mere twenty minutes before the throw-in tape was being attached to the cloth while officials pleaded unsuccessfully with the players to wear the traditional blood and bandage.
You’re Off!
Changes in GAA refereeing legislation always ensure pandemonium. 1999 saw the introduction of the modern red card/yellow card ‘cautioning’ system. The interpretation of Cork ref Niall Barrett left a lot to be desired in a Leinster championship tie between Carlow and Westmeath. Barrett dished out fourteen yellow cards and gave six the line, four from Carlow.
Two Yellows You’re Off!
All-Ireland Minor Football Semi-Final (2000) Cork v Derry. Cork midfielder Kieran Murphy received two yellows but Roscommon referee Gerry Kinneavy neglected to send him off. Quick to notice the mistake the Cork bench substituted Murphy and proceeded to win the game. The miss was of course highlighted to the referee in the aftermath, Frank Murphy however arrived into the Cork dressing room and instructed them not to worry about anything and to prepare for the final as best they could, and he would ‘sort it out.’ The Cork minors went on the win the All-Ireland.
The Kerry Family Jewels.
The Munster Football Final between Cork and Kerry and centre back Conor Counihan takes it upon himself to feel up Jack O’Sé’s privates, Vinny Jones style, and on live TV too. A near riot ensued with the Bomber Liston distinguishing himself with the haymakers he delivered in the ensuing melée.
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Quote from Donal Og Cusack
It is a tight, clannish place. Big families were common in Cloyne one time and many of them didn't look beyond Cloyne to marry. "The way it is in Cloyne," says Cusack, "nearly everyone is related to each other some way."
Don't believe it? Click here!
Quote from Seanie McGrath
"I never followed the Glen when I was growing up, but there was something mystical and magical about the name," McGrath says. "You hear people talking about the spirit of the Glen and it's all true. Like, it was great for me when I got to about 18 to be training with Tomas Mulcahy and Kieran McGuckian and John Fitzgibbon, all Cork players. I was a big John Fitzgibbon fan. I remember one night doing press-ups at training and Fitzgibbon was holding my legs. I nearly had an orgasm. It was unbelievable."
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Southern Men on the march
A word of warning to those disgusted by alleged Cork triumphalism: leave town. The men from the Deep South are on the way.
In terms of ramblin', rovin', courtin', sportin' and suckin' black porter, the hurling fans are merely coy debutantes in comparison with the Cork football fan.
The Cork hurling fans are mainly drawn from the city. They have managed to acquire a thin veneer of civilisation. The football fans are true Corkmen, drawn from the wider county and the Beara Peninsula in particular.
We will be here next week and, let me tell you, we are determined to wrest the crown of most-hated county back from those halfbreeds from Meath.
The question here is: why do Cork people get under your skin?
Let's take a look at the place itself. The city of Cork is a double-sided, mixumgatherum sweep of humanity on the south coast. To look at it, you would think it was like any other town of comparable beauty and aspect. Monte Carlo, Florence or maybe Ancient Troy.
Such architectural riches should not on their own account for the massive begrudgery shown to Cork.
Nor should the beauty and character of its women though this is, it must be said, considerable.
So what is it?
The word arrogance surfaces again and again. Last week on the radio a Corkman went through the impressive list of recent plunderings.
The All-Ireland, obviously, the All Ireland rugby league, the Rose of Tralee, the Tidy Towns, the UEFA Champions League.
And you think this is arrogance? Nonsense! For heaven's sake he didn't even mention Montenotte's Patricia Carey, who last week clinched the All Ireland Garden Award!
The anti-Cork feeling would seem to be - like many of history's most heinous diversions - rooted in nothing but misinformation and the false pleasure of fuzzy malice.
"I hope ye're crowd don't win the double or ye'll be unbearable".
I have heard that sentence - or similar sentiments - dozens of times since the proud Rebel Gael lowered the colours of the Pale's representatives last Sunday in the hurling final.
Over the past 10 years quaint little counties such as Clare and Donegal have won All-Ireland titles. They are treated with indulgence. Rural halfwits entitled to a day out in the Smoke.
When Cork win something we are expected to go back on the next train.
The problem for Dubs is that Cork people don't treat them with the respect they think they deserve.
Some poor slob from Carlow will come to Dublin and act like it's a strange place. He will be unsure of himself, know that he's an outsider.
Someone from Cork will come and treat Dublin as the capital of his country. It belongs to the nation.
That, to many Dubs, is a touch too familiar.
The problem is not that Cork people are arrogant - their problems are far more complex than that, boy - it's just that Dubs have a leadership complex. They think because they have a Dart and a pipe to the Kinsale gas field they are born leaders.
What amuses me most is the little Dub who considers that he has a greater historical claim on the capital than the Corkman.
His forebears probably ran errands for the British army and tugged their scrawny little moustaches deferentially at their superiors, yet he thinks he owns the place.
Let me not suggest that Corkmen are all made of good stuff. As the venerable Tom Barry, IRA general and master tactician, once said of the inhabitants of Skibbereen, "its inhabitants were a race apart from the sturdy people of west Cork. They were different, and with a few exceptions were spineless . . .
"If Satan himself appeared in the Skibbereeen of 1920-21, the great majority would doff their hats to him, and if he wagged his tail once in anger he was sure to be elected high in the poll to the Skibbereeen District Council".
But does the fact that Satan is a Skibbereen man not prove that God is indeed a rebel?
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They killed KILL-Kenny
Its a well known fact that every Cork man worth his salt hates Kilkenny.
Click on the picture to see it in its original size
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Cork Slang
I must add a few sites relating to Cork Slang. Beamish has a nice site. Another Good Site here and its excellent.
Click on the picture to see it in its original size
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Don't take the...
A hurling fan is caught speeding on a motorway and when pulled over is asked to take a breathaliser test, he refuses and shows the officer a card with "asthmatic, no breath tests allowed", so the officer asks him for a blood test and once again, the man shows a card saying "diabetic, no blood tests allowed. Then, the officer tells him to take a urine test and the man pulls out a card sying "Cork Langer, don't take the p*#s!!!"
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Couldn't Risk It
There were three men in the labour ward waiting room at the Hospital: a Waterfordian, a Nigerian and a Corkonian, all of which were waiting for their babies to be delivered.
The nurse runs frantically in and says, 'I've got good & bad news... the good news is that all the babies are OK... the bad is there's been a mix-up.... we don't know which baby is which!!!'
So the Waterfordian runs in and grabs the black baby and legs it.... After a few days, after the heat had died down and the mixup was sorted out, the Waterfordian was relaxing with his wife and new baby.
She said, 'So, why did ya take de black baby boy, boy?'
'coz dayer was a mix-up and I could'nt risk taking home a Langer!!!'
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Cork Fans
Satellite News Channel interview with Euro 2004 fans in Lisbon...
The reporter asked one man if he was disappointed that England had lost.
The man replied, "Not at all, I'm Irish, I'm from Cork".
The reporter then asked, "But would you not support England when Ireland are not in the competition?"
The man replied "Jaysus no way".
Reporter: "Why not?"
Man: "800 years of oppression!!"
Reporter: "Is there ever any time you would support England?"
Man: "Maybe if they were playing Kilkenny!!!"
The reporter handed back to the studio with a puzzled look on his face.
He just didn't seem to get it
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There's a joke told by Corkmen of their All-Ireland Final victory over Offaly in 1984. It's not the funniest one ever told, it wouldn't even rank in the top three, but it shows how the rebels rate their hurlers.
The final was held in Thurles that year to mark the GAA's centenary but the celebrations went a bit pear shaped when the match deteriorated into a rout. In an effort to make a contest of it, so the story goes, Cork offered to field just two players for the second half. Seanie O'Leary and Jimmy Barry-Murphy were chosen - the rest retired to Hayes Hotel to get the celebrations going.
Later that evening Seanie and Jimmy strolled into Hayes to find the party going hell for leather and their comrades feeling no pain.
"Well", said Tom Cashman, "how much did we win by?"
"We lost by a point," came the answer.
There was stunned silence.
"Lost by a point, how in the Jaysus did that happen?" another asked.
"Two minutes after the restart, Seanie was sent off," Barry-Murphy explained.
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Dating is a mare!!! and friends r even worse
In this desert of love, of lonely sand,
No opportunity to drop the hand
I've searched Havana's, every nook and cranny,
But not once did I get near any Leeside fanny,
I even tried Reardons and paid loads for drink,
Yet no sign of anything remotely pink,
I've kept up with fashion and subscribed to Vogue,
But it counts for little at 2 outside the Bróg,
Hoping for a hand job or a glimpse of boob,
Waiting for flahs pouring out of The Qube,
Hoping I'd get one home to shunt,
But they're always with some rugby kunt.
Some stupid rich boy "full of promise",
Letting everywan know his shirt is Brown Thomas.
Off to score down outside the Triskel,
Secretly dreaming they're with Brian O'Driscoll.
Praising his game and how against the French he ran,
Before showing Brian how to become a man....
So last New Years Eve I made a pact,
And to be fair the odds against me were stacked,
But I'm sick of trying to find a daycint beour,
Tired of nights without any hint of score,
I gat loads of beer and make my wish,
But next morning there's no smell of fish,
No smell of sweaty filthy sex,
No result from aul dolls I tried to text,
So I made a decision - the plan t'was good,
And I'd have to keep it secret as best as I could,
If the lads found out I'd be up for a baitin'
But I decided to try the aul speed datin'.
II
Now I've googled "love" and searched for dates,
(Loads of results if you live in the States)
But not much for Cork cos we're not too vocal,
Lest Saturday night when you're off down the local,
Some feen whips out a page from the net and howls,
"Look what I found on this website full of gowls!"
Your mugshot, profile and desires so humble,
Looking for love but those secrets now crumble.
So I found a night where I was told I could mingle,
Where every old doll in the room would be single,
Princesses, angels, models, cailíns,
All looking great and all gagging for feens.
III
So Valentines Night I got dressed up to the nines,
Got to the Hotel and followed the signs,
Into a room full of feens looking quite swanky,
Not a sovereign in sight, no shams looking cranky,
I downed a few shorts to take the edge off me nerves,
Talked about football and Jordan's new curves,
Then they opened the doors and called us together,
There were loads of old dolls on seats made of leather,
I checked my number - and lamped up the room,
There she was - with a head full of gloom.
IV
Her clothes were all black and her make up was white,
When I moved the chair she jumped up with the fright,
"Narnia's my name" she said with aggression,
Not the ideal start to this session.
"I'm not your average girly" she said with a grin,
As I noticed some hair growing under her chin.
I stated me name and Narnia started spewing,
All her problem's poured out and on gum she kept chewing,
"I killed my pet hamster when I was just three,
Wrapped him in a Dunnes bag and threw him into the Lee,
After that things got better, my mind became level,
But I'm still convinced my hamster was in league with the devil. "
I nodded politely, afraid now to speak,
I was starring straight into the eyes of a freak.
V
The next beour I came to appeared fairly normal,
Her face was quite pretty and her dress sense informal,
We chatted about life then she asked me a question:
Where had I qualified to practice my profession,
"Which medical school did you attend?" she inquired.
For some reason she thought I was a doctor - it transpired!
"Sorry luv, I'm a sparky" I replied to her error,
To which she jumped up and announced there in terror:
"You mean you tie people down and apply electric shock?!"
I held up my hands so all her glug I could block,
She bolted for the door without allowing me to reply,
No rational explanation, no chance to bid her goodbye.
VI
The third girl was unique in the way she was dressed,
Her hands inside her garment - a very tight vest....
She seemed very quiet but at the same time quite cute,
She said she had morphine and this made her mute,
I suppose if you don't drink you have to take something,
Before this at the bar - sure the aul vodkas I was pumping!
I said "don't be nervous I think you look great
What did you say you're name was? Catherine or Kate?"
When I looked at her again she had collapsed in a heap,
She found me so boring she had fallen asleep!
VII
What was story? I just couldn't compete,
I left for the local to confess my defeat,
When I walked in the door the boys were all hushed,
Did they know that tonight all my spirit was crushed?
"C'mere how were the quare wans?", Sully says with a grin,
"Did you know you took a wrong turn there when you went in?!
We were watching The Reds and the Gunners in the bar,
And saw you all spruced up - getting' out of your car,
We found out your agenda - we knew some of the staff,
So we ran round and changed all the signs for the laugh,
You're away with the birds kid - you weren't paying much attention,
Sure it wasn't the speed dating you were at boy t'was the Psychiatric
Convention! "
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Tags:
Labels: Championship, Cumann Luthcleas Gael, Football, GAA, Gaelic Athletic Association, Hurling, Jokes, Michael Cusack, Micheál Ó Muircheartaigh, The Sunday Game, Up for the Match
posted by Michael at 3:09 PM
