Clare County Jokes

THE LEGEND Matthew McMahon, Clare FM MATTHEW McMAHON began the cult. It was McMahon's verbal antics during Clare's All-Ireland winning year of 1995 which propelled him and his profession into the limelight. Nine years on and some of the phrases still call neck hairs to attention. "It's all over ... Clare are ... Jeeeesus!!" - the Mills man exploded after the Munster final win.

Better was to come for both the county and the commentator on All-Ireland final day at Croke Park. "The cigarettes are being lit here in the commentary box. The lads are getting anxious. It's a line ball down there to Clare and who is to take it? ... Will ye put 'em out lads! Ye'll choke me." The voice is still kept busy - working weekends with Clare FM while selling cattle through the week for marts across the Banner county.

"Oh yeah, people still remember me covering the '95 campaign," he laughs. "I am told it will be on my headstone!"

McMahon had been spotted five years earlier during his day job by Marty Morrissey, who was then working for Clare FM. His first game was, ironically, a county football final and his fondest early memories of the job are all related to the big ball.

"I went to Croke Park for a ladies' All-Ireland final in the early 1990s and it was like going to Mars. It was just such a strange experience to be commentating on a Clare team winning an All-Ireland final in this huge stadium. Then, of course, there was 1992 and the Munster final win over Kerry. In Clare, we had always hoped that the hurlers would come good but there was never such hope for the footballers.

"But to win and to be Kerry doing so ... and they came very, very close to winning that semi-final."

But it was hurling, not football, where McMahon felt most at home. A lifelong supporter, he brought all such emotional baggage to listeners around the world. That was crucial.

"Nothing would equal winning the Munster final for the first time in 1995. I had followed Clare since 1967. I was going to all those Munster championship games as a Clare hurling supporter and I remember the pain and the hurt and the disappointment.

"I love the game and those who play the game. Then I found myself lucky enough to have a microphone in front of me. So I think I was voicing the emotions of each and every Clare supporter who had endured all those years of hardship."

But he is not without his critics. Water off a duck's back to McMahon.

"I have been criticised for saying 'I call it as I see it' - but that is what I am doing. You cannot please all of the people all of the time and if you try to, you are sunk. If they weren't giving out about me, they would be giving about someone else. The biggest criticism I get is for not giving the score often enough. Funnily enough, I had someone complain about that after the Munster club hurling game between Kilmaley and Mount Sion, which the Waterford champions won well. "But then he said: 'I knew by the sound of you that it wasn't good.'" And maybe that is the mark of a great commentator.
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"I'm not giving away any secrets like that to Tipperary. If I had my way, I wouldn't even tell them the time of the throw-in" -- Ger Loughnane.

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'Ger Loughnane was fair, he treated us all the same during training-like dogs' - anonymous Clare hurler

'Any chance of an autograph? Its for the wife...she really hates you' - Tipp fan to Ger Loughnane

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'And as for you. You're not even good enough to play for this shower of useless no-hopers' --Former Clare mentor to one of his subs after a heavy defeat

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The Banner Files - a case for Mulder and Scully?
You think it all started last year when they couldn't beat us in hurling -
priests, councils, Presidents, media and 31 counties all against us? Just the
tip of the iceberg. This has been going on for centuries. Ever since Brian Boru,
took on the Vikings at Clontarf. Yes Brian, the first legend of the Dalcassians, fought
valiantly and bravely for his beloved country.

Mysteriously, but not if you're from Clare, he was allowed to be killed
just as the battle was been won. The first attempt by a vast conspiracy to
get Clare and its people. This vast anti Clare conspiracy has been going on for
ages. Throughout the struggle for Irish freedom, there were great rebellions stretching
from Tir Chonaill to Wexford and Kinsale to Dublin.

No-one ever bothered to ask Clare. We had our own and we did fine, winning
an historic election in 1917, in East Clare,(you know who's country - GL).
De Valera came along (elected in Clare), and did great, but again this anti-Clare
conspiracy saw fit to blame him for this and that.

And so the years passed by and the hurlers of Clare came to bear the brunt
of this conspiracy. Everything was done to beat us. They made us play the great
powers every year. If we beat Cork then we had to play Tipperary. They often
shared players, to try and beat us. And when we beat both like in '55, the
conspirators made it rain and upset our game plan, against Limerick.

What did Mackey say to Ring in that famous photo - "Anti-Clare conspiracy
meeting in Thurles tonight". And then we produced that wonderful team in the
seventies. About to beat Cork and the conspirators went and sent off our full back
for nothing. And again, the year after when they conspired to move the goal
posts every time our forwards tried to score.

A total set up. The 1980s saw someone make a big hole in the ground, just
as one of our forwards was about to score a winning goal. (You had to be there).
And when finally our footballers reached the promised land in 1992, the anti Clare
conspiracy contrived to have a perfect goal disallowed.

And why did Nicky laugh in '93? Because he knew about the anti-Clare
conspiracy, when none of us did. But we beat them all in '95 and '97,
the conspiracy got Ollie in '96 in order to open up the middle of the
Gaelic Grounds for Ciaran to run through.

And then '98. A new conspiracy committee was established. And you see what
they did? Everything.

-Only video evidence to be used against Clare.
-If they're winning near the end, stop the game.
(Did you know that certain fans had a secret drill on a Thursday about invading a pitch).
-Ban their best players for doing nothing.
-Make them so tired that they can't play.
-Stop their managers from talking to the players.

Well roll on '99. Don't be surprised if you see a NATO plane bomb Shannon
(by complete accident) just as the Clare team are about to embark on another
glorious voyage. Yes, they're in it too, as are the UN, the Iraqi's (won't buy our
beef) and even the Russians............this is only the tip of the iceberg
regarding the anti-Clare conspiracy.

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The Day I Met Ger Loughnane.
I have to say that I was surprised when I actually met the man yesterday at my local petrol station. I really thought he would be as obnoxious as I have always expected him to be. But he wasn't. I have to say that I found him most charming, erudite and well-spoken, almost modest in his ways, I would suggest.

We talked hurling for about half an hour as he filled his car with petrol. He said he was looking forward to the replay on Monday and that he felt Offaly and Clare would once again be fighting it out for the McCarthy cup. I asked him what he thought of Kilkenny’s challenge and he said they might struggle with a poor backline.

But how did he feel about last years controversial championship? I really wanted to know.

"I'm really really proud of this Clare hurling team," he said in that thick Clare accent of his. "It's was all the fault of those 3 priests, Waterford and the Munster Council."

So did he think Colin Lynch and co. were a little over the top at times?

"Are you looking at my wife?" he asked, suddenly fired with anger.

No, I told him, wanting to talk hurling.

Then he started swinging his fists and falling over. "Yah bbb-b- bastard!" he screamed. "Come on! I'll f-f-f-fucking kill the f-ff- fucking lot of yee, yez basssturdz. Lookin at my wife, ye dirty f-f- fucking basturd."

I suggested that perhaps he had had a little too much to drink at lunchtime.

"Drink?! Drink, is it? I will tell you this, boy. Yer f-ffucking bollix. F-f-f-ffuck offf!!"

I grabbed hold of him and tried to stop him driving away as he was clearly incapable. "You're not safe to be behind the wheel," I suggested.

"F-f-ffuck you, you f-f-ffucker! I drive b-b-better when I've hic! hic! when I've had stout. Nah f-ffuck off b-b-before I deck ya."

Then he threw up all over a patio set in front of the garage.

"Bleeeuurrgghhh! Get out and walk, ye bastard!" he cried. "F-f-ffucking chips and curry. Where am I? Ugghhh! I've pissed in me pants again."

And as the police came and ushered him into his car, sending him on his way home without even breathalysing him, I thought to myself: What a nice man.

I did hear later that he ploughed into a bus stop full of kids on their way home from a school trip, and that the survivors are being prosecuted for damaging the front wing of the great man’s car.

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Time to Stop

There was a time when Clare were getting a bit arrogrant and de Paper in cork (examiner) got letters in to say Clare were no great shakes. This is one of them.


Click on the picture to see it in its original size

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Diseased Dog...
A fanatical Clare supporter was walking his scabby little mangy diseased dog on the Monday after the defeat by Waterford. As he strolled along the beach full of despondancy, he saw a bottle which was quite unusual lying on the strand. He poked the bottle with his toe and low and behold out pops a genie.
'Your wish is my command,' said the Genie.
Startled, the Clare fan said, 'I wish this scabby little mangy diseased dog of mine be turned into a greyhound that would win The Laurels and The Derby.'
The genie took one look at the mangy little mongrel that was on its last legs and shakes his head, saying, 'That would be very difficult. Is there any other wish you have?'
The Clare supporter thought and his eyes lit up for an instant... 'I wish that Clare will win another 'All-Ireland' in the near future!!!'
The genie looked a bit taken aback for an instant. He then rubbed his beard and said...
'Would you ever give me a second look at that dog?'