Tipperary County Jokes
When Galway Trashed Tipp in the 2006 Allianz League, BABS KEATING launched an astonishing attack at his under-achieving Tipperary hurlers, admitting: “Our lads are dead, only to wash them.”
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A man had great tickets for the Tipp v. Cork Munster Final. As he takes his seat another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting beside him.
"No" he says, "it's empty". "This is incredible!" said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Munster final, a Tipp/Cork one at that, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Tipp match we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
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Facts on the Tipperary breed.
1 - Tipperary people tend to bring sandwiches to the big games so as not to support local industry, i.e. chip vans etc.
2 - The most common drink drunk by Tipp fans is cold tea.
3 - Tipp led by 9 points at half time in the 1996 Munster Final. But as Limerick came back, with the scores level with 4 minutes to go a cry could be heard from the terrace "wrap up those sandwiches & put them in the deep freeze from the replay".
4 - The loudest cheer of the day from Tipperary fans is upon the arrivals of the first fans to the staduim who then proceed to take the tin foil off the sandwiches. This is an ancient territory marking ritual.
5 - 48% of Tipperary fans paint their cars blue & gold.
6 - 49% of Tipperary fans believe John Leahy is the new messiah.
8 - Almost all Tipperary Priests use Finches orange instead of wine to celebrate mass.
9 - All Tipperary farmers use hurleys to hunt their cattle.
10 - Amazingly, hurling is not the most popular sport in Tipperary. It is in fact "tinny", the practice of throwing balls of tin foil from old batches of sandwiches against a friends head, & laughing uncontrollably.
11 - almost all of the Tipperary fans buy the match day program even though they are in the main illiterate. Many can be seen reading an upside-down program. Apparently, the pictures in the program do not help the Tipp faithful, as most action photos of Tipperary hurling involve somebody "getting capsized".
12 - The driver to the disco on a saturday night drinking spree is allowed to drink & drive by Tipp gardai as long as he wears a hurling helmet.
13 - Contrary to popular belief, Tipperary men do not have somebody else as their ventriliquists. Although they appear not to be talking, they are talking, but their lips are not moving. This is a trick learned early in the young Tipp man's life, allowing him to talk about hurling at Sunday mass, but never get caught.
14 - 24 is the biggest number in Tipperary arithmetic. They like to call themselves "The premier" county even though, with 24 All-Ireland's, they are 3rd in the roll of honour, with Cork on 28 & Kilkenny on 26.
15 - Most Tipperary fans believe that because the GAA was founded in Thurles that they own the GAA. The fact it was founded by a Clare man, who also was partial to sandwiches & cold tea, cannot change Tipp views.
16 - The most common birthday present in Tipperary is a lunchbox, to carry match day sandwiches.
17 - Sex in Tipperary has now been restricted to 90 seconds, the same amount of time it takes for John Leahy to go on & come off again. Many Tipp women have welcomed the length of time trebling, (as well as some Lenister girls)
18 - Tipperary hurling fans are not allowed to buy flags, hats & scarves anywhere apart from Thurles. Pity the poor souls who went to Cork the night before the clare match but had to return to the hallowed Thurles turf to buy a flag. But rules are rules.
19 - Tipperary were against the new blood substitution rule from day one. They cited how they "opened" Brendan Lynskey in the 1989 All_Ireland semi-final & how it led to them baytin' (translation - "Beating") Galway thus win the All-Ireland.
20 - There are no showers in Tipperary. Instead, the practice is for the father of the house to fill a bath on a Saturday evening & have a nice bath, followed by the mother of the house, follwed by the eldest son etc. (all using the same bathwater). So the question now is: "are your tickets for the Munster final in the Tipp or Limerick end ?
A Corkmans Perspective.
2001 will go down as a great year for the coffers of Parc Ui Chaoimh.
Sadly, Cork's exit from the championship was premature, but it gave us time to reflect, ponder and philosophise on the hand fate dealt the rebel county. But, sure isn't it great to see the weaker counties progress and God knows we can't be winning everything: with the focus taken off the true Munster champions, it gave the red army a chance to take a step back and observe the differing characteristics of the hurling enthusiasts from the other counties, cheer on their respective teams, in their own unique way. I must apologise in advance to the folks from the other Munster counties, for concentrating the analysis on Tipp alone, but there's only so much to say, so little time etc etc.
A large portion of those gate receipts at the park came from the premier county, as the faithful supporters had to make the trek southwards on more than one occasion. Unlike their Cork counterparts, Tipp fans, without admitting it, expect to have an early exit from the championship and so the attendance for each of the games was quite high. These trips to Cork assume the stature of a sacred pilgrimage, providing a reason to live for the Finches. The trips were etched even heavier in the calendar this year, after the foot and mouth scare curtailed the social mingling of the wellywearers at the marts. This was coupled with the heightened sense of adventure associated with "travellin' abroad" across the Cork border.
The psychological barrier if inferiority caused many Tipp folk to equate it with an international border, and didn't they pack the passport -- just in case like -- and sure would you blame them for the excitement.
As I write, the next trip from Tipp will be against Limerick on July 1st and no doubt, the ritualistic preparations for the big day out, will be repeated eight across Tipperary:
Into the Cortina the following items will be flung together for the trip southwards:
1) A large flask of tae, 20 bottles of cider, 30 bottles of porter and fifty cheese sandwiches wrapped in tin foil, to cater for the 30 or so yahoos packed into the backseat and trailer on the way down. Perish the thought of having to hand over your hard earned cash to those Cork feckers for the sake of something to ate and drink.
2) A map written in crayon on a ten pound note, in order to direct the driver over the maximum number of humpback possible through bandit country in an effort to a) avoid the other traffic b) avoid the border police c) produce as many choruses of 'YAHOO' from the hurling helmet clad occupants each time a bridge is negotiated.
3) A statue of John Leahy, blessed an' all, to keep the occupants safe from all harm. This particular item is not flung into the mechanically propelled vehicle, but rather carefully positioned on the centre of the bonnet and secured with an adequate supply of bailing twine; something akin to a mermaid guiding a tall ship of yester year through treacherous waters.
4) The Babs Keating book of excuses -- this provides a healthy array of original/bizarre observations, which provide an armoury of match post-mortems for the Tipp fan before a sliotar is even struck in the game. This book assumes the mantle of the hurling Cathecism for the journey to Cork, with the classic Babs gems being learned off by heart on the trip down.
The Cork folk will know well when the mass exodus from Tipp begins, for we have a Garda scout strategically placed in the bushes on the outskirts of Mitchelstown scanning Kilbeheny and beyond for signs of frantic scurrying, manifesting itself in a cloud of dust heavily laden with the aroma of cow dung. At the border the Red Cross will again hand out markers and blank placards to the Finches, in order to furnish them with the means to provide subtitles when communicating.
The journey to Cork will end with a screech of brakes in the centre of the Jack Lynch tunnell and straight on with the hazards. The Cortina and trailer will be abnadoned in order to experience a leisurely stroll to the park and of course to keep the Cortina dry -- the beginning of which is rudely interupted with the inexplicable furious hooting of car horns further back in the tunnel.
The result of the match may produce two reactions -- this is where a degree of unpredictability enters into the equation, making it slightly interesting for the locals. If Limerick prevail, it is because Tipperary was robbed; specific incidents in the match that only Tipperary people saw or can recall will be cited as examples. The fact that Limerick used two sliotars, fielded 34 players, had kidnapped the family of the referee and had the slope of the field in their favour will also be mentioned.
If Tipp come away with the victory, all hell will break loose; the greatest team on the planet will be forever remembered in newly created ballads; tales of extraordinary heroism will be shouted from the hills, sales of glow-in-the-dark John Leahy statuettes will go through the roof and more specifically we won't hear the end of it in the canteen for weeks to come!
Whichever way it goes, the physical aftermath will be the same:
(i) the pond outside the Parc will have to be dredged to remove the mountains of Superquinn bags filled with empty porter bottles recently deposited there.
(ii) the traffic chaos at the tunnel will get worse with people attempting to reverse the trailer back out the tunnel in order to get a clear run of the road on the way home.
(iii) Aughanish Alumina will be contacted to deal with the phenomenon associated with copious amounts of rolled up tin foil deposits appearing after a championship match.
For the red army of hurling supporters and hurlers alike, it will be a time to recharge the batteries and regroup for the next campaign, safe in the knowledge that a championship without Cork . . . "is a bit of a sham all the same, boy!"
'Tipperary: The Movie -- Film Review.
[*I trawled this piece of inspiration from the Internet. Unhappily it's gifted author remains an unknown quantity, which is a great pity. Nonetheless read on and behold its genius.]
Rumours have been flying about recently that a new movie is about to be released in Hollywood. "Tipperary: The Movie" will hit box offices everywhere from August 1st 2001.
The film chronicles Tipperary hurling fortunes from 1971 onwards, although there will be an hour long break during the film to accomodate the years between 1973-83 when Tipperary failed to win a single championship match, many top actors have signed up to the new film.
One of the most notable being Marlon Brando who plays Paul Shelley. Lyle Lovett, who plays Nicholas English is said to be thrilled about his part. "The directors told me I'm playing a star who was a hero in 1989 when he was so good that he got two players sent off."
The film begins with the 1971 Munster Final when Tipperary beat Limerick with Babs Keating's famous dry ball incident. Kevin Spacey, who plays the youthful Babs Keating says: "I'm delighted to be playing the part of the barefoot wonder, but why were so many of the extra's eating sandwiches?"
The next game is the 1971 All-Ireland Final when Tipperary beat Kilkenny 5-17 to 5-14. Spacey again playing the part of Babs Keating had to play barefoot in some of the close ups as Keating did in that final.
After some minor 1972 footage, the film then takes a one hour break for the 10 years of no wins. This allows the eager cinema-goer a chance to go to the popcorn stand for some tin foil wrapped sambo's, mikado biscuits and flasks of cold tea. Unfortunately for Tipperary film viewers though, the prices are not 1972 prices, but today's ones.
The blockbuster then re-starts with Tipperary's 1983 win over Clare at Limerick. Kurt Russell plays the part of the legend-in-his-own-pint-glass Donie O'Connell. Russell sees it as a 'big move' to play such a local hero. In a strange twist of fate, Steven Segal plays the part of 1984 Tipp goalkeeper John Sheedy. Segal had to spend four weeks of intensive training on blocking down balls going over the bar for opposing forwards to score goals just like Sheedy did for Seanie O'Leary of Cork in the 1984 Munster Final. If anyone has forgotten, Tipp led 3-14 to 2-13 with four minutes to go, but Sheedy's errors made it 4-15 to 3-14 for Cork. Segal says: "I spent 8 hours a day for three weeks doing it before I could even do it badly. What sort of a turkey was this Sheedy guy?"
The film reaches a high note when Tipp win the 1987 Munster Final. Keifer Sutherland who plays Richard Stakelum had to fine tune his accent for that famous line: 'the famine is over'. Sutherland, who had to lose a stone for the film had an intensive diet of ham sandwiches and tea for three months prior to filming.
David Jason, who plays Babs Keating the manager, says: "I get to play this very arrogant guy. His team have not won the top prize since 1971, but already on the train to the match over a cup of tea and a kimberley mikado biscuit, he's talking about his team doing a four in a row." Jason, who had to put on over two stone to do the part, reputably ate a stone of potatoes every day. "I guess bacon and cabbage is part of the Tipperary life," he says.
There is a very sad scene from 1988 where the youthful Tipp players of John Leahy (played by Russell Crowe) and Declan Ryan (Liam Neeson) are crying at the end of the All-Ireland Final. "I just don't cry," said Russell Crowe, "so they managed to douse my eyes in Tipperary spring water and that made me look sad." Crowe, who looks nothing like Leahy was apparently chosen after his prowess with a sword became evident in Gladiator. "There's a time in the film where I have a bad dream," he explains, "I take a glass and break it and then almost rip some guy's face off with the glass."
Neeson took the role but did not read the fine print, whereby he had to put on five stone between the years chronicled 1988 and 1992. "Declan Ryan is one big man," he said with typical Northern wit. Neeson who has now already lost two of the five stone in the three weeks since filming ended, thinks Ryan would do well in the WWF. "He could make a lot of money," said Neeson.
The film reaches unbearable tension when filming of the 1989 All-Ireland series takes place. Lyle Lovett playing English has to take a few blows as part of a scene where the Galway players flatten him. "Apparently nobody touched him on the day," says Lovett, but he got those boys sent off and his team brought home the bacon, bacon that was used for sandwiches," said Lovett humourously. To film the scene at the end of the 1989 final, directors placed a sign outside a Tipperary cinema saying 'free willy'. Hundreds of local ladies turned up and were disappointed when they found (a) it wasn't a film and (b) there were no males willing to offer a free servicing. The ladies were then taken by bus to Croke Park to film the pitch invasion. One local lass, Betsy Ryan, said: "twas a grate thrick but to be involved in an All-Ireland final was grate."
There's many more incidents to be enjoyed in this film. Take for example Michael Cleary's flukey goal that won the 1991 All-Ireland Final. Cleary, played by Tom Cruise is portrayed as a hero, even though Cruise had to receive several blows to the head and let the wounds heal in order to play Cleary's part. McAuley Culkin too had to wear a set of huge mock ears and wildly overgrown false teeth to play George Frend. But one of the best scenes is at the end of the 1997 All-Ireland Final when Russell Crowe, playing John Leahy has a chance to win the game for Tipp but lashes the ball at the Clare 'keeper. "I'm the only Tipp man invited to Anthony Daly's wedding," says Crowe, "as I gave Clare two presents that year, a Munster and an All-Ireland." Obviously Crowe had done a lot of research for this role.
The last scene filmed is Tipperary winning the 2001 All-Ireland. They destroy all before them to take the title. In what could land the directors in hot water though, the pitch invasion is taken from a battle charge in Braveheart. Those who remain on the terraces and stand all throw their sandwiches into the air.
"It's tinged with tragedy though," explains Russell Crowe. "One poor man is so overcome with emotion, he throws his flask up in the air instead of his sandwiches. The flask lands on his wife hospitalising her. This could be a springboard for a sequel though."
'Tipperary: The Movie' will be available in cinema's from July 1st.
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A Thurles Guide - For outsiders looking in
Certain Preliminaries need to be observed in order to gain maximum
enjoyment
out of your stay.
1. Thurles people like to regard their home as unique indeed for
the greater Thurles hinterland it is the centre of the universe, this can be
hard to accept on first glance, however if you throw in quips like " Moi
Jaysus, It' s bleedin' grate to be in the hoem of hurlin'" you'll get on
fine. Acceptance of Thurles's status as the capital of the GAA is an
essential part of acceptance as an equal.
2. Michael Lowry can do no wrong in these peoples eyes, he is the
messiah who parted the Red Sea, he is The Prophet Elijah, The Liberator
of Palestine and Good King Solomon all rolled into one. Never question this
eternal truth. Taking the name of the Great One in vain will cause you an
awful lot of hassle from the locals.
3. Everything in Thurles happens around Liberty Square (d'squaarur), you'll never be able to drive round it, unless you're the long lost cousin of Bo and Luke Duke so forget it. When walking up d'squaaur you will be accosted by a local with the salutation "Well ?" In Dublin this is usually followed with the greeting " are youse startin' somethin'" In Thurles "Well" is the common greeting, In fact a whole conversation can be built around the word
"Well" ?
John Ryan: Well
Wille Ryan: Well
John Ryan: ( leaving Willie) Well
Willie Ryan: ( waving good bye to John) Well
4. The local newspaper is the Tipperary Star ( d'staarr) It's
probably best described as a Blue and Gold Edition of An Phoblacht. When D'Staar comes out, Thurles people huddle around in corners of the d'squaarur
trying to find out what Culbaire says this week. Culbaire is a bon vivant
and GAA critic, the Thurles equivalent of Eamon Dunphy, what he says goes, he will
pass a judgement in all likeliness on the Dublin v. Kerry game, if you
don't like his prediction you'll have to lump it.
5. On the Social Front Thurles boasts three niteclubs. D'Ragg is
about two miles at of town heading for Borris-Illeigh. D'Ragg is basically
a large function room and Bar laid down in the middle of a sheep-field.
The common phrase that best describes the place would be " are you going to
the D'Ragg for a shag", you'll have to get a minibus out to it. Gerry " The
Yank" Ryan provides the most comprehensive of public transport systems with
his fleet of Ford Transits. In Thurles they don't speak of the Dart, but
basically of "Getting Gerry D'Yank"
6. The Munster Hotel is where you'll find your jail-bait, unless
you want to be paying child-support on foot of a Mid-Western Health Board
Order, I'd avoid the place. The other option is the controversial Hayes's
Hotel .
7. If someone offers to drive you to a party in Littleton, do not under any circumstances accept.
8. Wearing a Clare Jersey around Thurles is a serious fashion
no-no.
9. Supermacs in d'squaarur could be a bridge too far for your
digestive system, During one of the final Feile's I saw a Hell's Angels
dude eating a Snack-Box in there, he spat most of the contents out, and left
the rest, a Crusty with hawkish eyes and the style of a vulture swooped down
at ate the remainder of the Snackbox, I've never eaten a snack-box in there
since. Bon Appetit
10. Finally be enjoy the game, Semple Stadium is a marvellous
venue, the fact that it's a Big Ball encounter will mean a certain Je ne
Sais Quoi will be lost, but fear not, you'll have had a memorable weekend win,
lose or draw.
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'Babs Keating was arrested in Nenagh for shaking a cigarette machine, but the gardai let him off when he said he only wanted to borrow twenty players' -- Waterford fan after 2002 Munster final
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'Babs keating 'resigned' as coach because of illness and fatigue. The players were sick and tired of him' -- Offaly fan in 1998
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'You can't win derbies with donkeys' - Babs Keating before Tipp played Cork in 1990
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A Corkmans Perspective.
2001 will go down as a great year for the coffers of Parc Ui Chaoimh.
Sadly, Cork's exit from the championship was premature, but it gave us time to reflect, ponder and philosophise on the hand fate dealt the rebel county. But, sure isn't it great to see the weaker counties progress and God knows we can't be winning everything: with the focus taken off the true Munster champions, it gave the red army a chance to take a step back and observe the differing characteristics of the hurling enthusiasts from the other counties, cheer on their respective teams, in their own unique way. I must apologise in advance to the folks from the other Munster counties, for concentrating the analysis on Tipp alone, but there's only so much to say, so little time etc etc.
A large portion of those gate receipts at the park came from the premier county, as the faithful supporters had to make the trek southwards on more than one occasion. Unlike their Cork counterparts, Tipp fans, without admitting it, expect to have an early exit from the championship and so the attendance for each of the games was quite high. These trips to Cork assume the stature of a sacred pilgrimage, providing a reason to live for the Finches. The trips were etched even heavier in the calendar this year, after the foot and mouth scare curtailed the social mingling of the wellywearers at the marts. This was coupled with the heightened sense of adventure associated with "travellin' abroad" across the Cork border.
The psychological barrier if inferiority caused many Tipp folk to equate it with an international border, and didn't they pack the passport -- just in case like -- and sure would you blame them for the excitement.
As I write, the next trip from Tipp will be against Limerick on July 1st and no doubt, the ritualistic preparations for the big day out, will be repeated eight across Tipperary:
Into the Cortina the following items will be flung together for the trip southwards:
1) A large flask of tae, 20 bottles of cider, 30 bottles of porter and fifty cheese sandwiches wrapped in tin foil, to cater for the 30 or so yahoos packed into the backseat and trailer on the way down. Perish the thought of having to hand over your hard earned cash to those Cork feckers for the sake of something to ate and drink.
2) A map written in crayon on a ten pound note, in order to direct the driver over the maximum number of humpback possible through bandit country in an effort to a) avoid the other traffic b) avoid the border police c) produce as many choruses of 'YAHOO' from the hurling helmet clad occupants each time a bridge is negotiated.
3) A statue of John Leahy, blessed an' all, to keep the occupants safe from all harm. This particular item is not flung into the mechanically propelled vehicle, but rather carefully positioned on the centre of the bonnet and secured with an adequate supply of bailing twine; something akin to a mermaid guiding a tall ship of yester year through treacherous waters.
4) The Babs Keating book of excuses -- this provides a healthy array of original/bizarre observations, which provide an armoury of match post-mortems for the Tipp fan before a sliotar is even struck in the game. This book assumes the mantle of the hurling Cathecism for the journey to Cork, with the classic Babs gems being learned off by heart on the trip down.
The Cork folk will know well when the mass exodus from Tipp begins, for we have a Garda scout strategically placed in the bushes on the outskirts of Mitchelstown scanning Kilbeheny and beyond for signs of frantic scurrying, manifesting itself in a cloud of dust heavily laden with the aroma of cow dung. At the border the Red Cross will again hand out markers and blank placards to the Finches, in order to furnish them with the means to provide subtitles when communicating.
The journey to Cork will end with a screech of brakes in the centre of the Jack Lynch tunnell and straight on with the hazards. The Cortina and trailer will be abnadoned in order to experience a leisurely stroll to the park and of course to keep the Cortina dry -- the beginning of which is rudely interupted with the inexplicable furious hooting of car horns further back in the tunnel.
The result of the match may produce two reactions -- this is where a degree of unpredictability enters into the equation, making it slightly interesting for the locals. If Limerick prevail, it is because Tipperary was robbed; specific incidents in the match that only Tipperary people saw or can recall will be cited as examples. The fact that Limerick used two sliotars, fielded 34 players, had kidnapped the family of the referee and had the slope of the field in their favour will also be mentioned.
If Tipp come away with the victory, all hell will break loose; the greatest team on the planet will be forever remembered in newly created ballads; tales of extraordinary heroism will be shouted from the hills, sales of glow-in-the-dark John Leahy statuettes will go through the roof and more specifically we won't hear the end of it in the canteen for weeks to come!
Whichever way it goes, the physical aftermath will be the same:
(i) the pond outside the Parc will have to be dredged to remove the mountains of Superquinn bags filled with empty porter bottles recently deposited there.
(ii) the traffic chaos at the tunnel will get worse with people attempting to reverse the trailer back out the tunnel in order to get a clear run of the road on the way home.
(iii) Aughanish Alumina will be contacted to deal with the phenomenon associated with copious amounts of rolled up tin foil deposits appearing after a championship match.
For the red army of hurling supporters and hurlers alike, it will be a time to recharge the batteries and regroup for the next campaign, safe in the knowledge that a championship without Cork . . . "is a bit of a sham all the same, boy!"
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When Tipperary Invented The Media Ban.
The now defunct Irish Press ran a photograph on the front page which recorded a dust-up in the league final between Tipp and Kilkenny in 1968. The headline underneath asked: ‘is this sport?’ Later in the year as Tipp prepared for their All-Ireland final against Wexford, certain journalists were banned from Tipp training sessions. In response the NUJ instructed its members not to refer to the Tipp players by name in reports.
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Ken Hogan’s Boob.
The 1993 All-Ireland Semi-Final, Tipp v Galway. Although only trailing by two points the Connacht men were making little headway and as Michael McGrath lobbed a hopeful ball forward, which would drop short, Ger Canning was already bored. The current Tipp manager Ken Hogan must have taken pity on the tribesmen. The weak looping effort bounced in front of the Lorrha man and instead of coming off his chest and down to his hurl as intended it struck him on the shoulder and trickled home. Galway won.
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I'll let you know when it happens...
Man, "My dog watches all the Tipperary games on TV. Everytime they lose, he lies down and cries his eyes out."
Friend, "That's incredible. What does he do when they win?"
Man, "I don't know, I'll let you know when it actually happens."
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A man had great tickets for the Tipp v. Cork Munster Final. As he takes his seat another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting beside him.
"No" he says, "it's empty". "This is incredible!" said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Munster final, a Tipp/Cork one at that, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Tipp match we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
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Facts on the Tipperary breed.
1 - Tipperary people tend to bring sandwiches to the big games so as not to support local industry, i.e. chip vans etc.
2 - The most common drink drunk by Tipp fans is cold tea.
3 - Tipp led by 9 points at half time in the 1996 Munster Final. But as Limerick came back, with the scores level with 4 minutes to go a cry could be heard from the terrace "wrap up those sandwiches & put them in the deep freeze from the replay".
4 - The loudest cheer of the day from Tipperary fans is upon the arrivals of the first fans to the staduim who then proceed to take the tin foil off the sandwiches. This is an ancient territory marking ritual.
5 - 48% of Tipperary fans paint their cars blue & gold.
6 - 49% of Tipperary fans believe John Leahy is the new messiah.
8 - Almost all Tipperary Priests use Finches orange instead of wine to celebrate mass.
9 - All Tipperary farmers use hurleys to hunt their cattle.
10 - Amazingly, hurling is not the most popular sport in Tipperary. It is in fact "tinny", the practice of throwing balls of tin foil from old batches of sandwiches against a friends head, & laughing uncontrollably.
11 - almost all of the Tipperary fans buy the match day program even though they are in the main illiterate. Many can be seen reading an upside-down program. Apparently, the pictures in the program do not help the Tipp faithful, as most action photos of Tipperary hurling involve somebody "getting capsized".
12 - The driver to the disco on a saturday night drinking spree is allowed to drink & drive by Tipp gardai as long as he wears a hurling helmet.
13 - Contrary to popular belief, Tipperary men do not have somebody else as their ventriliquists. Although they appear not to be talking, they are talking, but their lips are not moving. This is a trick learned early in the young Tipp man's life, allowing him to talk about hurling at Sunday mass, but never get caught.
14 - 24 is the biggest number in Tipperary arithmetic. They like to call themselves "The premier" county even though, with 24 All-Ireland's, they are 3rd in the roll of honour, with Cork on 28 & Kilkenny on 26.
15 - Most Tipperary fans believe that because the GAA was founded in Thurles that they own the GAA. The fact it was founded by a Clare man, who also was partial to sandwiches & cold tea, cannot change Tipp views.
16 - The most common birthday present in Tipperary is a lunchbox, to carry match day sandwiches.
17 - Sex in Tipperary has now been restricted to 90 seconds, the same amount of time it takes for John Leahy to go on & come off again. Many Tipp women have welcomed the length of time trebling, (as well as some Lenister girls)
18 - Tipperary hurling fans are not allowed to buy flags, hats & scarves anywhere apart from Thurles. Pity the poor souls who went to Cork the night before the clare match but had to return to the hallowed Thurles turf to buy a flag. But rules are rules.
19 - Tipperary were against the new blood substitution rule from day one. They cited how they "opened" Brendan Lynskey in the 1989 All_Ireland semi-final & how it led to them baytin' (translation - "Beating") Galway thus win the All-Ireland.
20 - There are no showers in Tipperary. Instead, the practice is for the father of the house to fill a bath on a Saturday evening & have a nice bath, followed by the mother of the house, follwed by the eldest son etc. (all using the same bathwater). So the question now is: "are your tickets for the Munster final in the Tipp or Limerick end ?
A Corkmans Perspective.
2001 will go down as a great year for the coffers of Parc Ui Chaoimh.
Sadly, Cork's exit from the championship was premature, but it gave us time to reflect, ponder and philosophise on the hand fate dealt the rebel county. But, sure isn't it great to see the weaker counties progress and God knows we can't be winning everything: with the focus taken off the true Munster champions, it gave the red army a chance to take a step back and observe the differing characteristics of the hurling enthusiasts from the other counties, cheer on their respective teams, in their own unique way. I must apologise in advance to the folks from the other Munster counties, for concentrating the analysis on Tipp alone, but there's only so much to say, so little time etc etc.
A large portion of those gate receipts at the park came from the premier county, as the faithful supporters had to make the trek southwards on more than one occasion. Unlike their Cork counterparts, Tipp fans, without admitting it, expect to have an early exit from the championship and so the attendance for each of the games was quite high. These trips to Cork assume the stature of a sacred pilgrimage, providing a reason to live for the Finches. The trips were etched even heavier in the calendar this year, after the foot and mouth scare curtailed the social mingling of the wellywearers at the marts. This was coupled with the heightened sense of adventure associated with "travellin' abroad" across the Cork border.
The psychological barrier if inferiority caused many Tipp folk to equate it with an international border, and didn't they pack the passport -- just in case like -- and sure would you blame them for the excitement.
As I write, the next trip from Tipp will be against Limerick on July 1st and no doubt, the ritualistic preparations for the big day out, will be repeated eight across Tipperary:
Into the Cortina the following items will be flung together for the trip southwards:
1) A large flask of tae, 20 bottles of cider, 30 bottles of porter and fifty cheese sandwiches wrapped in tin foil, to cater for the 30 or so yahoos packed into the backseat and trailer on the way down. Perish the thought of having to hand over your hard earned cash to those Cork feckers for the sake of something to ate and drink.
2) A map written in crayon on a ten pound note, in order to direct the driver over the maximum number of humpback possible through bandit country in an effort to a) avoid the other traffic b) avoid the border police c) produce as many choruses of 'YAHOO' from the hurling helmet clad occupants each time a bridge is negotiated.
3) A statue of John Leahy, blessed an' all, to keep the occupants safe from all harm. This particular item is not flung into the mechanically propelled vehicle, but rather carefully positioned on the centre of the bonnet and secured with an adequate supply of bailing twine; something akin to a mermaid guiding a tall ship of yester year through treacherous waters.
4) The Babs Keating book of excuses -- this provides a healthy array of original/bizarre observations, which provide an armoury of match post-mortems for the Tipp fan before a sliotar is even struck in the game. This book assumes the mantle of the hurling Cathecism for the journey to Cork, with the classic Babs gems being learned off by heart on the trip down.
The Cork folk will know well when the mass exodus from Tipp begins, for we have a Garda scout strategically placed in the bushes on the outskirts of Mitchelstown scanning Kilbeheny and beyond for signs of frantic scurrying, manifesting itself in a cloud of dust heavily laden with the aroma of cow dung. At the border the Red Cross will again hand out markers and blank placards to the Finches, in order to furnish them with the means to provide subtitles when communicating.
The journey to Cork will end with a screech of brakes in the centre of the Jack Lynch tunnell and straight on with the hazards. The Cortina and trailer will be abnadoned in order to experience a leisurely stroll to the park and of course to keep the Cortina dry -- the beginning of which is rudely interupted with the inexplicable furious hooting of car horns further back in the tunnel.
The result of the match may produce two reactions -- this is where a degree of unpredictability enters into the equation, making it slightly interesting for the locals. If Limerick prevail, it is because Tipperary was robbed; specific incidents in the match that only Tipperary people saw or can recall will be cited as examples. The fact that Limerick used two sliotars, fielded 34 players, had kidnapped the family of the referee and had the slope of the field in their favour will also be mentioned.
If Tipp come away with the victory, all hell will break loose; the greatest team on the planet will be forever remembered in newly created ballads; tales of extraordinary heroism will be shouted from the hills, sales of glow-in-the-dark John Leahy statuettes will go through the roof and more specifically we won't hear the end of it in the canteen for weeks to come!
Whichever way it goes, the physical aftermath will be the same:
(i) the pond outside the Parc will have to be dredged to remove the mountains of Superquinn bags filled with empty porter bottles recently deposited there.
(ii) the traffic chaos at the tunnel will get worse with people attempting to reverse the trailer back out the tunnel in order to get a clear run of the road on the way home.
(iii) Aughanish Alumina will be contacted to deal with the phenomenon associated with copious amounts of rolled up tin foil deposits appearing after a championship match.
For the red army of hurling supporters and hurlers alike, it will be a time to recharge the batteries and regroup for the next campaign, safe in the knowledge that a championship without Cork . . . "is a bit of a sham all the same, boy!"
'Tipperary: The Movie -- Film Review.
[*I trawled this piece of inspiration from the Internet. Unhappily it's gifted author remains an unknown quantity, which is a great pity. Nonetheless read on and behold its genius.]
Rumours have been flying about recently that a new movie is about to be released in Hollywood. "Tipperary: The Movie" will hit box offices everywhere from August 1st 2001.
The film chronicles Tipperary hurling fortunes from 1971 onwards, although there will be an hour long break during the film to accomodate the years between 1973-83 when Tipperary failed to win a single championship match, many top actors have signed up to the new film.
One of the most notable being Marlon Brando who plays Paul Shelley. Lyle Lovett, who plays Nicholas English is said to be thrilled about his part. "The directors told me I'm playing a star who was a hero in 1989 when he was so good that he got two players sent off."
The film begins with the 1971 Munster Final when Tipperary beat Limerick with Babs Keating's famous dry ball incident. Kevin Spacey, who plays the youthful Babs Keating says: "I'm delighted to be playing the part of the barefoot wonder, but why were so many of the extra's eating sandwiches?"
The next game is the 1971 All-Ireland Final when Tipperary beat Kilkenny 5-17 to 5-14. Spacey again playing the part of Babs Keating had to play barefoot in some of the close ups as Keating did in that final.
After some minor 1972 footage, the film then takes a one hour break for the 10 years of no wins. This allows the eager cinema-goer a chance to go to the popcorn stand for some tin foil wrapped sambo's, mikado biscuits and flasks of cold tea. Unfortunately for Tipperary film viewers though, the prices are not 1972 prices, but today's ones.
The blockbuster then re-starts with Tipperary's 1983 win over Clare at Limerick. Kurt Russell plays the part of the legend-in-his-own-pint-glass Donie O'Connell. Russell sees it as a 'big move' to play such a local hero. In a strange twist of fate, Steven Segal plays the part of 1984 Tipp goalkeeper John Sheedy. Segal had to spend four weeks of intensive training on blocking down balls going over the bar for opposing forwards to score goals just like Sheedy did for Seanie O'Leary of Cork in the 1984 Munster Final. If anyone has forgotten, Tipp led 3-14 to 2-13 with four minutes to go, but Sheedy's errors made it 4-15 to 3-14 for Cork. Segal says: "I spent 8 hours a day for three weeks doing it before I could even do it badly. What sort of a turkey was this Sheedy guy?"
The film reaches a high note when Tipp win the 1987 Munster Final. Keifer Sutherland who plays Richard Stakelum had to fine tune his accent for that famous line: 'the famine is over'. Sutherland, who had to lose a stone for the film had an intensive diet of ham sandwiches and tea for three months prior to filming.
David Jason, who plays Babs Keating the manager, says: "I get to play this very arrogant guy. His team have not won the top prize since 1971, but already on the train to the match over a cup of tea and a kimberley mikado biscuit, he's talking about his team doing a four in a row." Jason, who had to put on over two stone to do the part, reputably ate a stone of potatoes every day. "I guess bacon and cabbage is part of the Tipperary life," he says.
There is a very sad scene from 1988 where the youthful Tipp players of John Leahy (played by Russell Crowe) and Declan Ryan (Liam Neeson) are crying at the end of the All-Ireland Final. "I just don't cry," said Russell Crowe, "so they managed to douse my eyes in Tipperary spring water and that made me look sad." Crowe, who looks nothing like Leahy was apparently chosen after his prowess with a sword became evident in Gladiator. "There's a time in the film where I have a bad dream," he explains, "I take a glass and break it and then almost rip some guy's face off with the glass."
Neeson took the role but did not read the fine print, whereby he had to put on five stone between the years chronicled 1988 and 1992. "Declan Ryan is one big man," he said with typical Northern wit. Neeson who has now already lost two of the five stone in the three weeks since filming ended, thinks Ryan would do well in the WWF. "He could make a lot of money," said Neeson.
The film reaches unbearable tension when filming of the 1989 All-Ireland series takes place. Lyle Lovett playing English has to take a few blows as part of a scene where the Galway players flatten him. "Apparently nobody touched him on the day," says Lovett, but he got those boys sent off and his team brought home the bacon, bacon that was used for sandwiches," said Lovett humourously. To film the scene at the end of the 1989 final, directors placed a sign outside a Tipperary cinema saying 'free willy'. Hundreds of local ladies turned up and were disappointed when they found (a) it wasn't a film and (b) there were no males willing to offer a free servicing. The ladies were then taken by bus to Croke Park to film the pitch invasion. One local lass, Betsy Ryan, said: "twas a grate thrick but to be involved in an All-Ireland final was grate."
There's many more incidents to be enjoyed in this film. Take for example Michael Cleary's flukey goal that won the 1991 All-Ireland Final. Cleary, played by Tom Cruise is portrayed as a hero, even though Cruise had to receive several blows to the head and let the wounds heal in order to play Cleary's part. McAuley Culkin too had to wear a set of huge mock ears and wildly overgrown false teeth to play George Frend. But one of the best scenes is at the end of the 1997 All-Ireland Final when Russell Crowe, playing John Leahy has a chance to win the game for Tipp but lashes the ball at the Clare 'keeper. "I'm the only Tipp man invited to Anthony Daly's wedding," says Crowe, "as I gave Clare two presents that year, a Munster and an All-Ireland." Obviously Crowe had done a lot of research for this role.
The last scene filmed is Tipperary winning the 2001 All-Ireland. They destroy all before them to take the title. In what could land the directors in hot water though, the pitch invasion is taken from a battle charge in Braveheart. Those who remain on the terraces and stand all throw their sandwiches into the air.
"It's tinged with tragedy though," explains Russell Crowe. "One poor man is so overcome with emotion, he throws his flask up in the air instead of his sandwiches. The flask lands on his wife hospitalising her. This could be a springboard for a sequel though."
'Tipperary: The Movie' will be available in cinema's from July 1st.
--------
A Thurles Guide - For outsiders looking in
Certain Preliminaries need to be observed in order to gain maximum
enjoyment
out of your stay.
1. Thurles people like to regard their home as unique indeed for
the greater Thurles hinterland it is the centre of the universe, this can be
hard to accept on first glance, however if you throw in quips like " Moi
Jaysus, It' s bleedin' grate to be in the hoem of hurlin'" you'll get on
fine. Acceptance of Thurles's status as the capital of the GAA is an
essential part of acceptance as an equal.
2. Michael Lowry can do no wrong in these peoples eyes, he is the
messiah who parted the Red Sea, he is The Prophet Elijah, The Liberator
of Palestine and Good King Solomon all rolled into one. Never question this
eternal truth. Taking the name of the Great One in vain will cause you an
awful lot of hassle from the locals.
3. Everything in Thurles happens around Liberty Square (d'squaarur), you'll never be able to drive round it, unless you're the long lost cousin of Bo and Luke Duke so forget it. When walking up d'squaaur you will be accosted by a local with the salutation "Well ?" In Dublin this is usually followed with the greeting " are youse startin' somethin'" In Thurles "Well" is the common greeting, In fact a whole conversation can be built around the word
"Well" ?
John Ryan: Well
Wille Ryan: Well
John Ryan: ( leaving Willie) Well
Willie Ryan: ( waving good bye to John) Well
4. The local newspaper is the Tipperary Star ( d'staarr) It's
probably best described as a Blue and Gold Edition of An Phoblacht. When D'Staar comes out, Thurles people huddle around in corners of the d'squaarur
trying to find out what Culbaire says this week. Culbaire is a bon vivant
and GAA critic, the Thurles equivalent of Eamon Dunphy, what he says goes, he will
pass a judgement in all likeliness on the Dublin v. Kerry game, if you
don't like his prediction you'll have to lump it.
5. On the Social Front Thurles boasts three niteclubs. D'Ragg is
about two miles at of town heading for Borris-Illeigh. D'Ragg is basically
a large function room and Bar laid down in the middle of a sheep-field.
The common phrase that best describes the place would be " are you going to
the D'Ragg for a shag", you'll have to get a minibus out to it. Gerry " The
Yank" Ryan provides the most comprehensive of public transport systems with
his fleet of Ford Transits. In Thurles they don't speak of the Dart, but
basically of "Getting Gerry D'Yank"
6. The Munster Hotel is where you'll find your jail-bait, unless
you want to be paying child-support on foot of a Mid-Western Health Board
Order, I'd avoid the place. The other option is the controversial Hayes's
Hotel .
7. If someone offers to drive you to a party in Littleton, do not under any circumstances accept.
8. Wearing a Clare Jersey around Thurles is a serious fashion
no-no.
9. Supermacs in d'squaarur could be a bridge too far for your
digestive system, During one of the final Feile's I saw a Hell's Angels
dude eating a Snack-Box in there, he spat most of the contents out, and left
the rest, a Crusty with hawkish eyes and the style of a vulture swooped down
at ate the remainder of the Snackbox, I've never eaten a snack-box in there
since. Bon Appetit
10. Finally be enjoy the game, Semple Stadium is a marvellous
venue, the fact that it's a Big Ball encounter will mean a certain Je ne
Sais Quoi will be lost, but fear not, you'll have had a memorable weekend win,
lose or draw.
-------
'Babs Keating was arrested in Nenagh for shaking a cigarette machine, but the gardai let him off when he said he only wanted to borrow twenty players' -- Waterford fan after 2002 Munster final
------
'Babs keating 'resigned' as coach because of illness and fatigue. The players were sick and tired of him' -- Offaly fan in 1998
-------
'You can't win derbies with donkeys' - Babs Keating before Tipp played Cork in 1990
-----------
A Corkmans Perspective.
2001 will go down as a great year for the coffers of Parc Ui Chaoimh.
Sadly, Cork's exit from the championship was premature, but it gave us time to reflect, ponder and philosophise on the hand fate dealt the rebel county. But, sure isn't it great to see the weaker counties progress and God knows we can't be winning everything: with the focus taken off the true Munster champions, it gave the red army a chance to take a step back and observe the differing characteristics of the hurling enthusiasts from the other counties, cheer on their respective teams, in their own unique way. I must apologise in advance to the folks from the other Munster counties, for concentrating the analysis on Tipp alone, but there's only so much to say, so little time etc etc.
A large portion of those gate receipts at the park came from the premier county, as the faithful supporters had to make the trek southwards on more than one occasion. Unlike their Cork counterparts, Tipp fans, without admitting it, expect to have an early exit from the championship and so the attendance for each of the games was quite high. These trips to Cork assume the stature of a sacred pilgrimage, providing a reason to live for the Finches. The trips were etched even heavier in the calendar this year, after the foot and mouth scare curtailed the social mingling of the wellywearers at the marts. This was coupled with the heightened sense of adventure associated with "travellin' abroad" across the Cork border.
The psychological barrier if inferiority caused many Tipp folk to equate it with an international border, and didn't they pack the passport -- just in case like -- and sure would you blame them for the excitement.
As I write, the next trip from Tipp will be against Limerick on July 1st and no doubt, the ritualistic preparations for the big day out, will be repeated eight across Tipperary:
Into the Cortina the following items will be flung together for the trip southwards:
1) A large flask of tae, 20 bottles of cider, 30 bottles of porter and fifty cheese sandwiches wrapped in tin foil, to cater for the 30 or so yahoos packed into the backseat and trailer on the way down. Perish the thought of having to hand over your hard earned cash to those Cork feckers for the sake of something to ate and drink.
2) A map written in crayon on a ten pound note, in order to direct the driver over the maximum number of humpback possible through bandit country in an effort to a) avoid the other traffic b) avoid the border police c) produce as many choruses of 'YAHOO' from the hurling helmet clad occupants each time a bridge is negotiated.
3) A statue of John Leahy, blessed an' all, to keep the occupants safe from all harm. This particular item is not flung into the mechanically propelled vehicle, but rather carefully positioned on the centre of the bonnet and secured with an adequate supply of bailing twine; something akin to a mermaid guiding a tall ship of yester year through treacherous waters.
4) The Babs Keating book of excuses -- this provides a healthy array of original/bizarre observations, which provide an armoury of match post-mortems for the Tipp fan before a sliotar is even struck in the game. This book assumes the mantle of the hurling Cathecism for the journey to Cork, with the classic Babs gems being learned off by heart on the trip down.
The Cork folk will know well when the mass exodus from Tipp begins, for we have a Garda scout strategically placed in the bushes on the outskirts of Mitchelstown scanning Kilbeheny and beyond for signs of frantic scurrying, manifesting itself in a cloud of dust heavily laden with the aroma of cow dung. At the border the Red Cross will again hand out markers and blank placards to the Finches, in order to furnish them with the means to provide subtitles when communicating.
The journey to Cork will end with a screech of brakes in the centre of the Jack Lynch tunnell and straight on with the hazards. The Cortina and trailer will be abnadoned in order to experience a leisurely stroll to the park and of course to keep the Cortina dry -- the beginning of which is rudely interupted with the inexplicable furious hooting of car horns further back in the tunnel.
The result of the match may produce two reactions -- this is where a degree of unpredictability enters into the equation, making it slightly interesting for the locals. If Limerick prevail, it is because Tipperary was robbed; specific incidents in the match that only Tipperary people saw or can recall will be cited as examples. The fact that Limerick used two sliotars, fielded 34 players, had kidnapped the family of the referee and had the slope of the field in their favour will also be mentioned.
If Tipp come away with the victory, all hell will break loose; the greatest team on the planet will be forever remembered in newly created ballads; tales of extraordinary heroism will be shouted from the hills, sales of glow-in-the-dark John Leahy statuettes will go through the roof and more specifically we won't hear the end of it in the canteen for weeks to come!
Whichever way it goes, the physical aftermath will be the same:
(i) the pond outside the Parc will have to be dredged to remove the mountains of Superquinn bags filled with empty porter bottles recently deposited there.
(ii) the traffic chaos at the tunnel will get worse with people attempting to reverse the trailer back out the tunnel in order to get a clear run of the road on the way home.
(iii) Aughanish Alumina will be contacted to deal with the phenomenon associated with copious amounts of rolled up tin foil deposits appearing after a championship match.
For the red army of hurling supporters and hurlers alike, it will be a time to recharge the batteries and regroup for the next campaign, safe in the knowledge that a championship without Cork . . . "is a bit of a sham all the same, boy!"
---------
When Tipperary Invented The Media Ban.
The now defunct Irish Press ran a photograph on the front page which recorded a dust-up in the league final between Tipp and Kilkenny in 1968. The headline underneath asked: ‘is this sport?’ Later in the year as Tipp prepared for their All-Ireland final against Wexford, certain journalists were banned from Tipp training sessions. In response the NUJ instructed its members not to refer to the Tipp players by name in reports.
----------------
Ken Hogan’s Boob.
The 1993 All-Ireland Semi-Final, Tipp v Galway. Although only trailing by two points the Connacht men were making little headway and as Michael McGrath lobbed a hopeful ball forward, which would drop short, Ger Canning was already bored. The current Tipp manager Ken Hogan must have taken pity on the tribesmen. The weak looping effort bounced in front of the Lorrha man and instead of coming off his chest and down to his hurl as intended it struck him on the shoulder and trickled home. Galway won.
------
I'll let you know when it happens...
Man, "My dog watches all the Tipperary games on TV. Everytime they lose, he lies down and cries his eyes out."
Friend, "That's incredible. What does he do when they win?"
Man, "I don't know, I'll let you know when it actually happens."
-------------
)
Tipperary Hurlers
Taken during training for the Munster Final 2005
The Tipp Boys are well known for their fondness for the auld sauce and this picture of Eoin Kelly during training says it all.
Click on the picture to see it in its original size
Labels: Championship, Cumann Luthcleas Gael, Football, GAA, Gaelic Athletic Association, Hurling, Jokes, Michael Cusack, Micheál Ó Muircheartaigh, The Sunday Game, Up for the Match
posted by Michael at 3:30 PM
