General GAA Jokes

The GAA Virus
The Internet Viruses Council has just issued a warning which should be taken very seriously concerning viruses which may strike during the summer months - in Ireland in particular. This group of nasty viruses are referred to as "GAA computer Viruses" and are named and described as follows:-
The Meath Virus: Throws you out of Windows.
The Clare Virus: Memory forgets everything before 1995.
The Kilkenny Virus: Guaranteed to hit 5 times on the 11th of September 2000.
The Tribesman Virus : Appears and disappears on one Sunday in August.
The Kerry Virus: Five years of hard work wiped out by undetected Offaly mail.
The Waterford Virus: Not due to strike again for another 40 years.
The Colin Lynch Virus: Boots up some Waterford computers and carries on as if nothing happened.
The Ger Loughnane Virus 1: Virtually impossible to rid your PC of this one.
The Mayo Virus Family: Always billed as harmful, but really are nothing to worry about.
The Mick O'Dwyer Virus: Attempts to install lots of foreign programs to replace existing slow-running applications.
The Limerick Hurling Virus: Causes problems for 65 minutes then disappears never to be seen again.
The Babs Keating Virus: Enters a PC, attempts to delete all existing programs and reformat hard drive; when detected and removed it generates weekly log files citing errors in bits 8 to 15.
The John Maughan Virus: System crashes in September.
The John Leahy Virus: A particularly lethal virus. Users are advised to tie down the monitor as a precaution before approaching.
The David Forde Virus: Hasn't been seen since the "Michael Duignan Virus Killer" was invented.
The Michael Donnellan Virus: Attacks operating system and timekeeper and then deletes all records of this ever occurring.
The Offaly Virus: Often looked on as a benign irritation but strikes your OS as you are about to shut down. Often results in the firing of the General Manager of your PC manufacturer.
Ger Loughnane Virus 2: A continuous whining sound emitted from speakers, keeps generating data corruption messages, PC blows up but it won't accept any blame.
The Martin Lynch Virus: Computer pretends to go down, but then boots back up and is OK.
The Kieran McDonald Virus: The lights on you PC are all on but nothing works.
The Rebel Virus: Cheats your PC at vital time, plays outside the rules every chance it gets. Anti Viral solution being worked on by Loughnane Ltd. Rebel Virus to be put down 9/7/00.

Some useful phrases to help you understand the game of football and hurling

Báite - eg "I gave it báite" - I put a fair bit of effort into it

Stomached - surprised eg. "Jays, when he came up behind me I was awful stomached"

Mighty - very good

Hames - a right mess - eg. "he made a hames of that clearance"

Timber - intimidation of a hurling opponent

Welt - swing at

Lamp - a good thump

A Crowd – e.g. "that crowd from Ardrahan are a right shower of shites"

Schkelp - a good thump

Bullin' - angry. eg. "the centre half back was bullin' after I lamped him"

Bull thick - very angry

Joult - a push

Joshel - a shoulder push

The Comm-it-eeee - Local GAA bullshitters in general

Bushted - eg. "Jayz me arm is bushted"

Bomber - a very popular nickname for a GAA player

A hang sangwidge - consumed with tay on the sides of roads after matches in Croker or Thurles.

Citeog - he hit it with his citeog. ie. left handed/footed

Warp - hit something hard as in "I'll f**kin' warp you"

Blast - A great amount of anything.

Rake - Also a great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness

A Shamozzle - a group of players shkelpin' one another but not exactly hittin' anyone at the same time!

Flakin' - usually goes on for a whole game..... eg. "Jayz Mike Murphy gave Tony Delaney an awful flakin' below in training on Sunday". To "flake" a lad for a whole game usually starts off with a bit of the aforementioned "joshellin'" and "joultin'" and develops into a bit of "weltin'" and may even result in a good "lampin'" for the victim especially if he gets "bull thick".

Namajaysus - What was that for, referee?

Ya-bollix-ya - Corner back's formal recognition of a score by his opponent

Leh-it-in-ta-fuck-would-ya - Full forward's appeal to a midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass

Mullocker - untidy or awkward players

Horsed - bout of rough play or intimidatory tactics as in “we horsed them out of it

Horse - untidy or rough player. There's one in every club ( The Legendary “Horse” Delaney)

Row - Fight involving four or more players swinging hurleys like lunatics

Massive Row - Row involving both team,substitutes and supporters jumping fences

Running Row - A massive row that continues out in the parking area and/or dressing room areas

** Here's a few more you'd hear around Gurtagarry or Ballymackey **:

"Come up ta F*ck"- A corner back back trying to rise the ball .

"Lord Lantern Jaysus.." - "The next time you do that I'll f**kin kill ya"

"a hape" - A big quantity (Heap)

"in the paw" - To catch the ball.

"a Brawl" - A collection of bodies in disagreement with each other.

"a Dinger" - Usually a fast wing forward who can leave his opponent "for Dust".

"a right C*nt" - The Ref was a bit biased towards the other team.